So cold.

How long have I been out here? It’s hard to see, the sun is too bright and the white reflection is blinding. I can’t see. Maybe if I move a little more to an upright position. If I move a little. Why can’t I move? My legs. They must be covered. Only my legs are covered. Why can’t I move? I need to get a better look. The sun, I can’t see.

I can’t remember. I was going down and... and she was ahead of me. Her powerful legs working against the slope. I told her to wait but she was too far away. Then... I can’t remember.

Is she somewhere out there? Maybe if I move a little I could see. If I could move. It’s getting so cold even with the sun glaring down with no mercy. Where are the clouds? You said it’s a perfect day to go out. With no wind or clouds in the sky, just the warm tingling sensation of the sun brushing against our bare cheeks, red from the cold, and the beautiful white scenery stretching across the landscape. Why aren’t there any clouds? Then I could try and see if you were out there.

Maybe if I shout. If she’s out there, maybe she could hear me. I have to let her know I’m here. Even if I can’t move I have to let her know. She is looking for me right? Unnie. You’re out there right?

”Unnie... I’m cold”

Too quiet. I need to shout louder.

”Unnie...”

It hurts too much. I need to shout louder but it hurts. Every breath I take burns and stings like needles pushed deep into a pin cushion. A pin cushion that is my lungs. I need to shout louder.

”Unn-...”

It’s too hard to breathe. I... I... what should I do? It hurts. It’s so cold. The sun, I can’t see...

I’ll just close my eyes for a bit. The sun is too bright anyway. I’ll close them just for a moment.



---------



The wind was nice and cool under the bright blue sky. I opened my eyes and could see the white cumulus clouds, soaring up to the heavens, protecting me from the overbearing sun. The temperature was just right. All around me spread a blanket of beautiful yellow, myself in its midst, lying on my back and watching the clouds drift by. A stone’s throw away the dark blue sea let its waves melt away between the fine sand of the beach. My favourite spot. I closed my eyes again.

Suddenly the warm sunlight disappeared and everything turned a shade darker.

”So this is where you have been hiding every day?”

I opened my eyes to a mischievous smile in the shape of a ’v’ looking straight at me. You moved to the side so that the sun struck my face and I had to quickly place my hand to protect my eyes.

”Yah unnie! Why’d you do that? And how did you find me?”

I sat up pouting and looked up at the smiling figure. An azure blue summer dress made from silk graced your toned petite figure, held in place by a small string tied into a ribbon right under your bosom. A cream coloured fedora topped your dark brown hair, tied into two long pigtails that covered your bare shoulders and collarbones. Very, very y collarbones that met up at the jugular notch now moist from the sweat flowing down your delicate neck.

It had suddenly gotten so much hotter. It had never been this hard to be close to you. We were childhood friends. We’ve been in the same bath together countless times, wrestled in nothing but our undies. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t to-touched y-your b-b-bu-.... I felt my face flare up hot red and hastily turned away to look at the sea.

”Well, you have been disappearing every afternoon somewhere. Since it’s our last day I wanted to know where you went. Who knows when we’ll meet again with your family moving...” Your voice trailed off.

”You spied on me again! And now my eyes hurt from the sun...” I looked up with a frown.

”Don’t get upset. Besides, I brought you something.”

”What is it?”

”Just close your eyes.”

”Close my eyes when you are around? Can I trust you?”

”Just listen to your unnie and close your eyes. Quickly! We don’t have all day.”

Hesitating, I closed my eyes. I could hear you move in front of me. You knelt down on my hand. My eyes shot open.

”Ouch! What kind of gift is this supposed to be!”

”Don’t be a whiny baby and just keep those eyes closed. And I’m sorry. Baby.”

I closed my eyes once again. You leaned in closer. Your warm breath brushed my cheeks, your soft hands went up to my hair, around my left ear. You the long strands to the side. I was feeling hotter every second, it was hard to breath. Unknowingly I swallowed hard with a distinct ’gulp’ sound. I felt like I would pass out any second.

”Aaaalmost dooon-... Uaaah!”

You dived right into me and I fell back on the soft green undergrowth. Our bodies were interlocked, your right leg in between my thighs, my skirt had been pulled up by your knee that attempted to find balance. I could feel your collarbones on my chest, your soft chest pushing up against my ribcage, your cheek against my neck, chin resting on my shoulder. The sweat from your neck oozed down on my white top. I froze.

You shifted so that your face was over mine; your hands at my sides keeping you perched over me, like a tiger that had just pounced on an unfortunate young deer. Your face was motionless, dark brown eyes peering through me, studying, looking deep into my core. Your supple pink lips slightly parted, the warm breathe grazing my thin long neck. I couldn’t take it anymore. My mind went blank. Before you could say anything, I reached up and my lips were graced by the touch of your soft silken lips.

The kiss lasted no longer than a second and I pulled slightly back, our faces only a few centimetres apart. Your eyes were filled with surprise and disbelief. I bit my lower lip. Too soon. Stupid. Stupid me.

You rolled to my side and sat up. Both of us stared straight in front of us, out to the sea. I lifted my hand to touch whatever was now tied to my hair, just above my left ear. I stole a look at you, still looking puzzled staring out into the distance. A small sigh escaped me. I had been too quick to act, or to be more accurate, my body had been too quick to act. My mind had gone totally blank and before I knew it... Sigh.

I reached in my pocket and took out a small makeup mirror, flipping it open. A sunflower, no, the most beautiful sunflower I had ever seen was tangled in my hair. It was rather small for a sunflower, but more charming and lovely than any other.

”Thank you”.

I turned to look at you while still holding the mirror in front of me. My voice still unsure like stepping slowly across thin ice, testing to see if it’ll carry my weight across.

”It’s beautiful.”

”I searched for a long time to find the best one from this field, so you better like it...” Your voice almost a mumble.

Slowly your head turned and our eyes met. We both froze, unable to move. Unable to say anything. Time stilled, stopping its relentless journey to take a break, just for this moment. It seemed to stretch forever even though in reality...

Time picked up its bag, slung it on its back and continued.

”Unnie, I...”

Without a word you stood up and looked away, around the field of yellow, up at the sky and out to sea. Your eyebrows furrowed. Deep in thought and perplexed you examined everything, looked everywhere. Everywhere except at me.

”It’s... going to be dark soon. We still need to pack.”

You looked at me, gave one of your usual awkward smiles, and left.

With my mouth still open and the mirror in my hand I watch you leave with quick steps. Stupid me. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why had I done that? Now everything was awkward. I don’t know if I could face you again. If you wanted to see me again. My desires got the best of me. Will this all end with an awkward smile?

I snapped the mirror shut pulling my hair in frustration, wanting to scream. A petal touched my hand. I reached out to touch the flower. So beautiful. It was getting dark.

The sun had set already. The last rays escaping the horizon painting the sky to a sorrowful red, the murky grey clouds imprisoning the last strains of light. The dark was coming.

Wind was picking up. There was nothing left to see anymore. Nothing worth looking at. The dark was taking everything. Swallowing all in its path in a cold, lonely grip. Lonely. I didn’t want to see it. It was my fault anyways. I screwed up. I closed my eyes.

A voice.

Open your eyes

No. There’s nothing but darkness out there.

Open your eyes

Why? Even if I open them, there’s nothing but the dark. I don’t want to. No!

It’s alright. I’m here.

But, what if you aren’t there when I open them? What if all I can see is the dark sky, taking over everything? The torrential wind ripping the flowers from their roots, ravaging the field, our field. What if all there is left is the black, for eternity?

Please open your eyes.

Light. Warmth. Where? Maybe I should take a look. If I open my eyes, you’ll be there, right? I can trust you that you’ll be there, right? If I open them, just a little... a small glance.



---------



Sunflowers. It’s so bright in here. The clouds. The dark. Where is it? Everything is so white and the suns back out there, staring at me. But it’s no longer harsh, blinding. It is kind, soothing, looking after me, taking care. The tree, out behind the window, covered in a thick coat of white forcing the branches to bow down as if apologizing for something.

A table. The sunflowers in a glass vase. They won’t last too long once taken out from the ground.

”You’re awake. Finally you are awake...”

A familiar voice. A familiar smile. Her graceful silhouette, sitting on a chair. She’s smiling. My vision is still a bit blurry. I want to see better.

”I... I was afraid that you wouldn’t wake up. It has been so long.”

Now I can see. Her eyes are almost shut the way they do when she’s smiling from the bottom of her heart. I can almost hear her deep hearty laugh, so unique. Only she has that kind of a laugh. A laugh that never wears out, one always filled with joy.

“I brought you flowers. Sunflowers. Well, the first ones I brought have already withered and died... but I got you new ones. Do you... like them?”

I’ll smile. It’s hard to find the words. Now that she’s here with me, and no longer is the dark swallowing me whole, I can smile. She came for me.

”I’m glad you like them.”

She’s avoiding my gaze. Don’t look away. Why is she shying away from me? You were never one to be shy; it was my part to play. Even though I was playful to the eyes of others, possibly even childish, when compared to you, I was a beginner. The apprentice.

Her hair, silky dark brown hair. She hasn’t been taking care of it. How long has she been here, neglecting her own well being for me? You should go eat, get cleaned up, go sleep. I want to say all these things to you but I’m getting tired. I’ll close my eyes for just a second.

”Yoona! Are you alright?”

She’s holding my hand now. Her delicate fingers entwined around my overtly long extensions of my palm. I always told her I didn’t like my fingers but she wouldn’t listen to it. She said they were refined, elegant, ones that belonged to an angel. She said I was an angel. That I didn’t belong to this world and shouldn’t have to face all the faults and cruelty it possesses. But if I wasn’t here, I couldn’t be with you. That would be the biggest cruelty of all.

“Unnie...”

”Yes, Yoona?”

Her hand. It’s so warm.

”I’m tired.”

So warm. Her soft milky skin, from her finger tips along her arms, shoulders. The red shirt with a low V-cut allowing me to view her pronounced collarbones. I always liked that shirt. Your delicate neck leading to that beautiful round face. Graciously curved nose and those soft lips. If I was an angel, then you are the creator, a perfect being.

”Don’t worry, just rest. I’ll be here when you wake up, holding your hand”.

So tired. I could stare at your smile for eternity. I wish I could take the sunflower from the vase and place it in your hair and brush my hands against your smooth puffy cheeks. Let the sun warm us while I’d sit in your tender embrace and lean my head against your chest...

“I’ll be here waiting with a smile, a fresh set of flowers on the table for you. And... and then we’ll go back. Back to that field, those sunflowers. So you have to wake up. You have to because...”

No. Don’t stop smiling. Don’t frown. It doesn’t suit you to be sad. Tear drops. Like natural pearls from the bottom of the Persian Gulf, glistening at the corner of your eyes in the unforgiving stare of the sun. If only I could gather them all. Hide them away in the darkest reaches of the universe so that we would never have to face them again.

There. That smile. Don’t let it go.

”...because, Yoona, I love you”.

The words that have been so hard to say. Unbearably difficult to express face to face. We both knew what we felt, that we felt the same, but why has it taken so long to say it? Why has it been impossible for us to utter those three simple words that change lives? We both knew it without saying. But these are words that have to be said, before a step forward can be taken. For the first time.

It’s out now isn’t it. Out in the open for anyone and everyone willing to listen, whether they accept it or not. It’s okay... No. It’s necessary to say it. A privilege. Now it’s my turn. Holding your hand, I can say it with confidence to you.

“ Unnie. I lo-...”