How I wish I can hold those hands.

 

How I wish I can hug you tight.

 

How I wish I can call your name.

 

How I wish I can call you mine.

 

 

 

But I can’t.

Because ‘we’ is a secret.

Because in this world, ‘you and me’ doesn't exist.

 

 

 

 

 

*****

 

It’s been years. Maybe that’s the reason why I am not affected anymore when I see girls flirting with you, when I see girls getting close to you, when I see them touching you, clinging to you. I ignored it when people link you to the new captain of the cheerleading team or the beautiful student council president. I’m used to all of these. When I agreed to the conditions we set, I prepared myself for all the possible consequences that comes with it. I agreed because I loved you and I still do. I ignore everything because I know deep inside you are mine and at the end of the day you’re still coming back into my arms.

 

 

But there are times when emotions start to take over and jealously starts to creep in. Even though I trust you and I know you love me but still the possibility of you falling for another is always there. With your looks, your personality anyone could fall for you and you could fall for other people too. But whenever I feel this way, you always reassure me that it will never happen – that I am your only one, that you love no one but me. And that’s the reason why I keep on holding on, why I keep on fighting for what we have. Because even though they don’t know that there’s you and me, in our hearts the word ‘we’ will always exists.

 

 

 

*****

 

I hate it when I see people getting close to you. I hate it when they are literally flirting with you in front of me. I want to pull them away from you and tell each and every one of them that you belong to me, that you are mine and no one else. But no matter how much I wanted to do that I can’t. I would but I can’t because what we have is not what everyone know. It’s something that only the two of us know. At times like that, I regret why did we even agreed to do this. To keep ‘us’ hidden from the world. To keep ‘us’ a secret.

 

 

Maybe because back then we’re still young, afraid to get judge, afraid to not get accepted. We’re afraid that if people knew about us they will do everything to separate us and we didn’t want that. We agree to keep what we have as a secret. We won’t let people know that I am yours and you are mine. It’s been working for years now, because until now, despite this complicated set up – we’re still together.

 

 

There are times that I want us to finally come out. To tell the world what we have been hiding all this time. But every time we decided to do that, something will happen and it got pushed back. After trying and failing for so many times we stopped. Thinking that maybe it’s a sign from the universal that it’s still not the right time. But when will it be? When will the time come when can I finally hold your hands? When can I finally hug you without thinking what people will say? When can I finally say out loud how much I love you? To tell to those people flirting with you that you already belong to someone and that is me.

 

 

I want to tell everyone that you are mine. I want the world to know that. And also for people to stop flirting with me and you won’t get jealous anymore. Although sometimes I like it when you get jealous. I like it when you get possessive. It just mean that you love me right? But I want to assure you that this mind is thinking no one but you. That this heart beats nothing but your name.

 

 

 

*****

 

Another day has come and like always, you’re here early. You’re outside my place waiting for me so we can go to school together. It’s already been our routine. We go to school early in the morning when the others are still preparing for school or maybe still sleeping, since this is one of the few moments when we can be ourselves, when we can express how we feel towards each other without being afraid that people might see and judge us.

 

 

We’re on our way towards school – walking happily while holding each others’ hands, when someone called your name. I know who owns that voice. It’s that girl who is always getting close to you, bringing you food during lunch time and every time you have basketball practice. It’s so obvious that she likes you and she thinks that you’ll fall for her.

 

 

Maybe you read my mind and felt my mood changing because you tighten your hold to my hand and started running away. We run until we reached school and hide behind the gymnasium, ignoring the constant calling of that girl.

 

 

“I’m sorry I have to drag you like that.” You said while wiping the sweat streaming down my face. “I just don’t want her to ruin our moment together.”

 

 

“Don’t worry. It’s okay.” I smiled at him. “It’s a good thing you dragged me and we run away or else I might have said straight to her face that you are mine.” I joked.

 

 

“Really? Then we shouldn’t have run away.”

 

 

“What do you mean? You really want me to tell her about us?”

 

 

“Of course! In fact I every people in this world to know about us.”

 

 

“Are sure about that?”

 

 

“As sure as I am to my feelings for you.” You said and kissed me. “I love you and I want to scream that to the world.”

 

 

I can feel my face heat up with your words. I snapped back when you pinch my cheeks.

 

 

“Hey! That hurts!”

 

 

“I’m sorry babe. It’s just you’re so cute when you blush and I just can’t help myself from pinching your fluffy cheeks like how I can’t help myself from kissing these beautiful lips of yours.”

 

 

You’re about to kiss me again but I stopped you. You looked like a kid who didn’t get his candy when I did that.

 

 

“Someone might see us.”

 

 

“It’s still early. No one will see us.”

 

 

“We’re not sure about that. Just wait until we’re at my place or your place, okay?”

 

 

“Just one kiss please. Just something to get me through this day since we can’t be together for the rest of the day.” You’re acting cute yet again. Something people didn’t know about you. And of course I can’t resist that and let you kiss me.

 

 

But then when I’m about to tell you that we should get going, you suddenly deepened the kiss and as much as I want to make out with you right now, I need to remind myself that we’re at school. I pushed you and you looked confused.

 

 

“Why? You don’t like it?”

 

 

“It’s not that.”

 

 

“Then what?”

 

 

“We’re at school, Jonghyun-ah.”

 

 

“Oh yeah. I’m sorry. I got carried away.”

 

 

“It’s okay. Let’s get to class?”

 

 

“Okay. We’ll continue that later.”

 

 

I just laughed and nodded.

 

 

You walked me to my class and it’s a good thing that none of my classmates are there.

 

 

“I’ll see you later babe. I love you.”

 

 

“I love you too.”

 

 

And with that he left me and went to his own class.

 

 

That had been how our day would turn out. We go to school together and go to each other’s class. We’ll spend the day with our friends and pretend that we don’t know each other. But by the end of the day, he’ll picked me up in the place where he left me that morning and we’ll go home together.

 

 

 

*****

 

As much as I want to stay with Minki before class start, I can’t because eventually his classmates will come one by one and we can't afford to get caught. So I need to wait until the end of school so I can finally hold his hand again and we can go home together, have dinner and just spend the rest of the night together. I’m still in my own world thinking about Minki when this girl showed up in front of me.

 

 

Her name is Renny. She’s the captain of the cheerleading team and it’s obvious that she likes me. She often tries flirting with me but that doesn’t affect me at all. My friends from the basketball team keep on asking me why I never dated her. She’s every boy’s dream girl. Well anyone but me that is. And why would I date any other girl or boy, when I already have the best.

 

 

“Hey Jonghyun. Why did you run away from me? And who’s that person holding your hand?”

 

 

“I don’t have anything to explain to you. I’m sorry.”

 

 

“Why are you always so cold to me huh Jonghyun-ah?”

 

 

Here she goes again. Doing aegyo and being cute while clinging to me. I release myself from her hold.

 

 

“You’ll be mine, Jonghyun. Just wait.” She whispered before she goes back to her seat because the teacher just came in.

 

 

She keeps on saying that since I don’t know when. But well I’m sorry but it won’t happen ever. This heart is owned and will always be owned by someone named Choi Minki.

 

 

Time flies so fast and I didn’t notice it’s already lunch time. My friends and I went straight to the cafeteria. We passed by Minki’s room and I noticed that he’s already gone. Maybe he went out to eat with his friends.

 

 

At the entrance of the cafeteria, we noticed that there’s something like a commotion. I can hear someone saying that someone’s getting beat up by some of the arrogant students in this school who think they are so great. As we come closer, I saw something I wish I didn’t. The person that they are beating is the same person who I never wanted to get hurt.

 

 

I didn’t care anymore and I make my way through the crowd. I didn’t bother the calling of my friends. All that matter is to save Minki.

 

 

Before another punch could arrive to the beautiful face of my boyfriend, I managed to catch the hand of the boy who I believe was the leader of this group. And before he knew it, a punch arrived at his face instead. I can hear the gasps from all the other students. Before he could punch me back, the teachers came and stop whatever that is happening.

 

 

I immediately focused my attention to Minki. I saw him lying there, unconscious. I started to panic. My friends come near me and start to calm me down.

 

 

“Jonghyun let’s take him to the clinic.”

 

 

I nodded and carried Minki to the clinic. I let the nurse clean his wounds. The nurse said that he’s going to be okay and just needed to take some rest. My friends reminded me that we need to come back to class but I refused. I won’t leave Minki alone. I can see the confused looks on their faces. Maybe they’re wondering why I would even skip class just to look after someone who I don’t know. Despite being confused, they just left me and say they’ll just let me copy the notes I’ll miss. I thanked them and bring my full attention to Minki.

 

 

Wake up soon my love, okay?

 

 

I said and hold his hand in between mine.

 

 

 

*****

 

I woke up and realized that I’m not in class. I look around and it hit me that I’m in the school’s clinic. I was so confused at first then I remembered I was getting beat up. Jonghyun came and I don’t remember what happened next because I already passed out.

 

 

Wait Jonghyun came?

 

He came to protect me?

 

Oh no. People might start to ask.

 

And what if…

 

No. No. No.

 

 

I started to panic with all the negative thoughts running through my mind when people start to question and eventually find out about us. I was still on panic mode when I hear someone’s voice beside me.

 

 

“Finally, you wake up. You don’t know how worried I was when I saw you getting beat up and then you passed out…” You can’t continue your words because I started crying.

 

 

“Love. Why are you crying? Are you still in pain? Do you want me to call the nurse?”

 

 

“No. It’s not that. It’s just… Why did you came and protected me? Now, people will start to question things about us, then they will…”

 

 

This time I was the one who can’t continue my words because you started to kiss me. I replied to your kiss with the thought that this might be the last time we can do this before people do things to separate us.

 

 

“I came because I can’t just stand there and see someone hurting the one I love. I’ll do everything to protect you. And I don’t care what people will say. Because after this, I’m going to tell everyone about us. And they could never again hurt you ever again or else they have to face me.”

 

 

I don’t know what to say. I just feel do lucky to have him in my life. I feel like the most loved person in the world.

 

 

“Thank you, Jonghyun-ah.”

 

 

 

*****

 

When Minki said that he is already feeling better, we decided to go home. But before that we make our way to classrooms to get our things. I can sense the stares of the people around us. I didn’t care. However, I can feel that Minki is trembling so I hold his hand tighter.

 

 

“It’s going to be alright. Trust me.”

 

 

After we fixed our things, then made our way home. But before we can step out of the school grounds, Renny cornered us.

 

 

“So he’s the reason why you never accepted my feelings?”

 

 

“Yes.”

 

 

“But why? I’m way better than him. I can give you more than what he can. What makes him so great that you choose him instead of me?”

 

 

“BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!” I said that loud enough so each and every one would hear it. “I LOVE HIM AND NOTHING WILL CHANGE THAT. I WON’T LET ANYONE HURT HIM OR YOU’LL HAVE TO FACE ME. I WON’T LET ANYONE TAKE HIM, BECAUSE HE’S MINE AND I AM HIS.”

 

 

I know I’m making a scene right now but I didn’t care. I’ve waited for this moment. The moment when I can finally say those words. I don’t care about what people will say about me. What’s important is finally I can freely express what I feel. I can finally say out loud that I love Minki and his mine.

 

 

“I love you Jonghyun-ah.”

 

 

“I love you more Minki-ya.”

 

 

 

*****

 

 

 

 

 

How I wish I can hold those hands.

 

How I wish I can hug you tight.

 

How I wish I can call your name.

 

How I wish I can call you mine.

 

 

 

 

 

And now, those aren’t just wishes.

Because starting today, we’re free.

The word ‘we’ isn’t a secret anymore.

‘You and me’ now exists in this world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

From now on, I can freely say,

Without fear

Without hesitation,

That I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.