I'm so sorry I've kept you waiting. I got an email that this story got commented on and it flipped a switch inside my brain that people still read my stories and even take the time to comment. I wrote this in a day and I just wanted to publish it as soon as I can. I'm really happy to be writing again and I hope you like this chapter.

It starts off where chapter 3 ends so if you need to refresh your memory (I certainly did!), I suggest that you should read that first. And maybe chapter 4 while you're at it :P.

Thank you so much if you're still here and reading this. It actually means a lot.

The title for this chapter comes from the song Walls by Louis Tomlinson. A great album by the way, I hugely recommend!

Mina just closed the door in front of Momo’s face. She can still hear how Mina’s steps take her to her own room. The panic starts to come when Momo gets to be alone. She’s is in love with her manager and it’s a disaster. Her whole career could be at stake when Mina eventually grows bored of her and decides that she wants nothing to do with her. Thoughts started spiraling in Momo’s brain and she knew she needed to let them out to someone. She grabs her phone and she doesn’t need to wait long for the line to open.

“I think I just did a bad thing, like really bad.”

“Hey, I’m sure we can figure it out” comes from the other end of the line.

Thinking about the night they had just shared with Mina, Momo felt suffocated and lost. She thought that if she can’t keep these thoughts railed in, a panic attack is sure on it’s way with the way her breaths started quickening.

“Sana I don’t know what to do.” 

Momo met her best friend Sana in a movie gala, both of them had been nominated for the same award but another actress had ended up winning it. 

“Snatched straight from our faces”, had Sana said that night. It still leaves Momo snickering. It actually was the first thing the other actress had said to her. It really is something else what a glass (or more) of wine could do to two complete strangers. It was nearly three years ago that the girls followed each other on instagram, making both of their fans completely freak out. Of course there had been the dating rumours as neither of them are exactly quiet of their ualities but that train passed long ago.

For over two and a half years they have been there to pick each other up and clean the other’s dress when they fall. Sana never misses the chance to have a little bit of romance but it usually leaves her broken in the end, even if she’s the one to end it. 

“This is bad. Like level eight bad” Momo begins again.

“Okay, that’s still something we can manage. Can you tell me any specifics please?”

Momo breathes in, already comforted by the certainty in Sana’s voice. She’s right. Sana’s crises are usually level eight and some even higher. They’ve done this before and they’ll do it again.

“I want to kiss Mina. And I almost did just now.”

“Wait your manager Mina? Is it like ‘I want to kiss her and completely ravish her against the wall’ or ‘I want to kiss her and snuggle up to her while watching tv’?”

“The latter.” Momo already knows that it’s the wrong answer to say in this situtation but she can’t help it. She needed to tell someone. 

“Oh. Oh honey it’s not level eight, I think it’s at least a nine. But still, let’s not worry yet. We can do this, can we not?”

“I don’t know Sana, I don’t know! She’s my manager.  I need to do something! How can I stop this and cut her out? We’re too close, I don’t want to lose her”

“Momo, deep breaths, okay? You said that you didn’t kiss her so it’s not so bad, right?”

Momo starts to recap everything to Sana that happened that night. She starts from the bar and talks about how she started the touching and about how Mina blushed and got flustered but didn’t stop her. She tells her about the walk back to their rooms and how Mina called her a sweetie and how this is the situation now.

“Oh. I didn’t know it was that deep. I know Momo that you don’t want to hear this but I think is serious” The panic starts to rise again in Momo. She doesn’t want this, she wants to erase the night from her memory and act like it never happened.

“But the good thing is, I think, that Mina is at least attracted to you too.”

“No, that’s not a good thing!” Momo is close to tears. She recognises another feeling next to the panic: fear.

“I know it’s not ideal to fall for a person you work with, but Momo it’s been years. You can’t keep your heart locked away forever in fear of it getting broken again. Maybe Mina is not the right person: it’s your decision what you do with this situation but just take a look at me. I’m still alive even after all the heartbreak.” 

Momo doesn’t know what to say to that. It all feels a little too much right now and she needs to think about it by herself. Like Sana said, it’s her decision. Even if Momo yearns for it, no one can make the decisions for her.

“Thank you Sana. You know I love you and would be lost without you.”

“Love you too. I’m here when you need someone to talk to.”

They said their goodbyes and Momo started going through her night routine. Sana’s words are still circling in her mind. She can see the points that Sana makes are true but she can’t feel it to be true, doesn’t truly believe it. All the talk about heartbreak just takes her years back when she was scoring her first roles with big studios. People had started to recognise her in the street and her social media following had grown quite a bit. That’s when she fell in love with another actress. She was a little bit older and a big name in the business. They were working on a movie together. It all started when Momo got asked to come over by the other actress and rehearse their lines together. It became a routine. Filming during the day and hanging out through the night and very little lines were practised during these hours. 

But it was all a secret. They didn’t even use the same car most of the time even though they left and went to the same places. Momo wanted to hold her hand and take her to movies like a normal couple but they couldn’t do it. Momo never got the answer why she wasn’t enough, but maybe she wasn't famous enough or pretty enough. Anyway, she just wasn’t what the other actress needed and she decided to end things by blocking Momo’s number when everything that had to do with the movie got finished and they didn’t need to see each other again. 

It all messed Momo up really badly. Of course she couldn’t tell anyone about it. She was left alone with her broken heart and it didn’t heal very nicely. After all of it, Momo wanted nothing to do with love or even dating. She has had a couple of one night stands here and there, more when she began to cheer up but not in the last few years. Not when Mina has been by her side closely. One night they were talking with Sana about the actress. She had tried to get with Sana too but she was dating at the time so nothing came of it but Momo told her everything then and there. It felt relieving to let it all out. Before that it sometimes felt like it didn’t happened at all. Then it became a reality, a fixed event that Momo couldn’t change anymore even if she kept wondering about the what if’s. 

It still feels like too soon. Momo has seen her a couple of times. Passing by at events and once she did a cameo on a film Momo was working on. Everytime she acted like they had never seen before. She looked at Momo like a stranger but never spoke directly to her. On the other hand it hurt, it hurt a lot because to Momo she was no stranger but at the same time Momo was so glad. She didn’t know if she could have kept away from her if she looked at Momo like she used to. 

And it stills haunts her. That’s why she’s so scared right now. She doesn’t want to be treated like that ever again but most importantly she never wants to face a heartbreak like that. She felt like she was physically in pain at the time. No, never again. She’ll just act like Mina is just another face in the crowd. She’ll do what she wished she could do and erase the whole night from existence. She’ll just go to the set early in the morning and leave as soon as she can. Maybe go to the bar and pick a nice girl up but first and foremost, not leave a chance for Mina to talk about what happened today. 

Momo got through the day but it was so hard to just ignore Mina. She’s at the same bar now and thinks about how awful she was towards her. She couldn’t even look her in the eyes because she was afraid of what she would see in them. Hatred most likely. She gets a drink set in front of her and a beautiful girl sits in front of her. Momo perks up at this. Maybe this is just what she needs. Something, someone else to think about. It’s not like she needs Mina. She’ll fare just as well with anyone. 

The girl is certainly into Momo and she can’t help but flirt back and let her hands wander. The girl leans closer and they’re face to face. She whispers: “We should leave this place” and Momo can’t help but remember how just yesterday she was in the same position with Mina, how she said the exact same words and suddenly it all feels completely wrong. No. This is not what Momo wants. The girl can see the distress on Momo’s face and says that she can understand. Momo apologizes but she needs to get away. She stands up and says sorry one more time before turning the other way and walking out. 

This is no level eight, she realizes now. 

she’s been an and she doesn’t even have the guts to take her ness all the way. She contemplates calling Sana again but she really doesn’t have the energy to talk about it now. It’s more like she doesn’t want to think about it at all. She needs sleep and maybe sleep will come with answers on how to get away from this situation. Maybe she needs a new manager.

Maybe she needs a new heart.

That’s the last thought before she’s long gone in dreamland.