I.

It’s one thing to admire an actress from afar. It’s another thing to admire her up close.

Pope had this thing for the young and famous actress that was also under Channel 3. Bella Campen was very, very beautiful. And, to be absolutely honest, y as hell.

They had a project together once, but not paired with each other, and had very little scenes together. But they also met on Channel 3 events, where he would stare at her again and again. His eyes would seek her between dozens of actresses, and he would often forget that he was supposed to focus his attention on his current leading actress on the drama that was airing at that moment.

Once, on the first Channel 3 event where they met, all the on screen couples had to queue to appear together in an open car and she was ordered to stand behind him, with her leading actor at that time.

Of course he had to strike a conversation.

“Hi, Bella.”

She just finished talking with the actress behind her but she glanced when she heard her name.

“Oh! P’ Pope! You’re my mother’s favourite actor!”

He laughed at that. “Am I?”

“Yes! My Mom watches all your dramas!”

“How about you? Do you watch my dramas too?”

“Sometimes” she beamed, “When I’m accompanying my Mom.”

He might beam the widest he ever beamed in his entire life, but then she asked, “P’ Pope, who would you want to work with, for your next project? I heard you’re going to be offered the next big thing.”

She was waiting for his answer, and he was about to answer, but then the announcement that the parade was about to start cut her attention.

They exchanged an apologetic smile and focused on the task at hand.

He was going to answer, “You.”

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II.

It was hard to put into words, how excited he was when he heard that Bella had confirmed to play with him in Love Destiny.

He was ecstatic.

He had become a true fanboy of her lately, following her on instagram and watching all her dramas. But she’s attached to somebody else. A steady relationship, he heard, and it seemed rude to announce his admiration for her, even if it’s mild.

He wouldn’t want any bad rumours to spread.

Still, it was hard to contain himself once they began working together. She’s someone cheerful and surprisingly easy going, despite her mega star status. She’d sit and chat with anyone when she had time. It’s easy to make her laugh, and she ate with gusto, it’s incomprehensible how her figure could be so slim despite the amount of food she took.

He’s a bit embarrassed when he looked at clips of them in their posters photoshoot for the drama. He looked like a teenager in love. His eyes couldn’t lie.

He just hoped that everyone would relate it to his acting skills.

At first, Bella treated him as a senior. He was indeed 7 years her senior.

However, the real Pope was a jovial man. He’s not a serious, brooding man. He joked around most of the time, goofed around with everyone who was interested to humour him, and loved to bicker with anyone he deemed nice.

Bella was surprised at this, but with daily shooting, they easily fell into friendship, and she often laughed out loud with his silliness.

If it was possible, Pope admired her even more. She could switch from the evil Karakade to the lovely Kadesurang thrown three hundred years back in a second. One minute she's as scary as a bully, the other a clueless, sweet girl.

She was more than just a beautiful face and figure. She got real acting skills that could not be surpassed easily.

She’s not some spoiled actress who memorized her script on set. She came prepared with her dialogues memorized very well. She made the shooting easier. It’s so nice to work with her. It’s so nice to see her everyday. It’s so nice to—finally be close enough with her.

“I think you look the prettiest wearing a traditional dress” Bella's stylist said, while touching her makeup.

“Should I wear this everyday? When I’m not working too?”

“Yeah, you should” Pope replied freely.

“Don’t you think she’s the prettiest actress in traditional dress?”

Bella knew her stylist was bias, and she felt a bit embarrassed, so she said, “Hey! P’ Pope has worked with other pretty actresses. So I’m sure he has seen prettier actress in traditional dresses. Right, P’ Pope?”

She was smiling up at him with her perfectly made up face and wearing that pink traditional dress.

He was torn between speaking or staring longer at her, but then the director called them both to shoot their next scene.

He could see her expression was full of questions, as if she knew he was going to say something but he didn’t.

She said nothing too, and they resumed filming.

***************************************************

III.

One day, a day not much different than the rest, Pope arrived at their shooting site and began working as usual. But the first time she smiled that morning, he couldn’t differentiate he was looking at Karakade or Bella.

When he thought about it, he felt it was the same like flu. He never knew how he got it, he just got it. And no matter how he took care of himself, sometimes he just got the flu anyway.

It’s the same with him and his feelings with Bella.

At first, he told himself to treat her like a colleague. Then as a friend. Then as a little sister.

Then as a –

Something was wrong.

That day, he looked at her and his throat went dry. His hands tingled with the wish to circle around her. Pulling her close.

On her part, what changed, Pope thought.

Was she dressing up more than usual?

No, not really.

Was she acting particularly sticky?

Not really. She’s the same. Friendly and full of smiles, but never unnecessarily sticky.

Then what changed?

He changed.

In the middle of filming, ancient language and scripts, he was falling. Hard.

He had tried to prevent it. He had tried to guard himself against her charms. He had tried to stop himself to fall headfirst into heartbreak.

It’s not like he didn’t know the regular phone calls she got, the flowers and chocolates every certain day of the month and the sleek silver car picking her up from time to time.

He knew if he was foolish enough to let himself fall, he’d be in for a painful ride.

For wanting someone so close yet so out of reach.

If only she was unattached, he’d catch her in a heartbeat.

Cruelly, it was the Friday before Valentine, and the whole set was abuzz with jokes and teasing.

“Bella, he’s waiting for you at the front!” her assistant said loudly.

“See you on Monday, P’ Pope!”

When he didn’t answer, she waved her hand in front of his face.

“P’ Pope! Are you ok? You’re very distracted today.”

He snapped out of it and smiled at her.

“What is it, P’ Pope? Are you busy thinking about your Valentine?”

“No. I guess it’s you who’s busy thinking about your Valentine” he replied in a nonchalant tone.

Bella laughed at that and resumed her jibe, “Tsk! Come on, tell me P’ Pope. Who’s your Valentine? Is it Diana or Mew Nittha?”

He chuckled.

“Aren’t we friends, can’t I know your secret Valentine?” she was teasing in her usual playful way, batting her eyelashes in an exaggerating way that came out more funny than y and he answered with another question.

“What would you do, Bell, if you know who I want to be my Valentine?”

There was something more in his expression and his tone, that made Bella’s smile faltered into a shock.

She blinked.

And stared at him with confusion.

Then fear.

And in the end, pity.

Pope was ready to make up a joke, because the moment felt too thick, making him unable to breathe.

But she was a wise girl, though young.

She was the one who giggled loudly, as if they were joking.

“I’d be good and keep it a secret, P’ Pope. Whoever she is, if you want her to be your Valentine, she’s very lucky.”

He’s attacked with something akin to stabbing pain inside and it was as if she knew, for she reached for his hand in reflex, and in reflex too, he held her hand.

“Have a happy weekend, P’ Pope. See you on Monday.”

He strangely couldn’t reply, and was only able to squeeze her hand.

It’s hard because he knew when he let her hand go, she’d go to him.

He knew he had no right to detain her, but he was holding her hand. It’s been too long to pretend it was a platonic touch between friends.

She was the one who finally pulled her hand away.

She said nothing more, but before she went, she patted his shoulder affectionately.

On Valentine’s Day, there was a chocolate cake and a bouquet of red roses sent to his apartment.

There was a card in it.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, P’ Pope. Be happy!”

Bella signed it with a smiley at the end.

He texted her:

Guys should be sending chocolates and roses this day, not accepting it.

She replied with:

Kadesurang would hate this stereotype. Don’t be old fashioned and just enjoy it, P’ Pope.

Thank you, he typed.

No problem, she answered.

He might be saying thank you for more than the cake and the roses, and she might be saying that something else was not a problem.

On Monday, they met each other again with happiness.

********************************************************

IV

Life went on. Filming for Love Destiny stretched longer due to two mourning reasons: the death of their honourable King, and Bella’s father.

For a while, life was bleak and dark, especially for her.

In that difficult time, as she fought to fulfil all her responsibilities as best as she could, trying to smile and be cheerful when all she wanted to do was cry, P’ Pope was there.

Yes, of course Weir was there too. And her staff who were basically her second family. And her friends. And all her entertainment colleagues.

But P’ Pope was different. Being by his side somehow made her feel that nothing changed that much, that it was all going to be alright.

It’s hard to explain, but his presence calmed her down, when her heart was heavy with sadness.

He was the one who could make her laugh and felt that her days still had purpose.

One afternoon during break time, as they were having their lunch, Bella asked him what was he doing the previous day, since it was their off day from filming.

“I went to the temple and did a special prayer.”

“Oh? What prayer?”

“For Buddha to lift your sadness.”

Bella froze.

Pope smiled and shrugged, patting her shoulder.

“P’ Pope, why are you so kind to me?”

Pope’s smile faded, replaced with a quiet look.

“You should stop asking unnecessary questions, Bell. You actually know why.”

Bella wanted to cry all of a sudden. But it was not because she was mourning her father.

*************************************************

V.

Bella was never someone who could do a horse riding scene with joy. She always felt like she would fall.

Add that to Pope’s teasing tendencies as if he was going to throw her off any second, she was positively nervous.

It was hard to look romantic when all she wanted was for the filming to finish and she could land safely on the ground again, staying as far away from the horse as possible.

When the scene finished, she really let out a “Thank God!” as Pope laughed cheekily behind her, still on the horse.

Her assistant hurried to her, carrying her water bottle.

Bella drank gratefully, wiping her sweat.

“There’s no need to be that scared. P’ Pope would not really throw you off the horse.”

“I know. I know P’ Pope would never hurt me, but still, it’s scary.”

It was Pope’s turn to freeze.

But she’s right. He would never hurt her, no matter what.

When Bella watched the scene, she realized Pope was holding her tight on the horse. And she remembered that it actually made her feel safe.

There’s a weird, queasy feeling at the pit of her belly, but she shook it off.

“Everything is alright, everything is alright.”

“Here” Pope said, bringing her a glass of mango juice. The staff prepared glasses of it for the very hot day’s refreshments.

She looked down at the tall plastic glass silently.

Pope pulled her hand to make her held it.

Bella took a sip, the sweet liquid improving her mood instantly.

“You always know what to do P’ Pope. You joke too much but also know what people need the most.”

“Not all people, Bell. Just you.”

“Why do you know me so well, P’ Pope? How can you always know what I need?”

He pretended to make an eye roll, chuckled, then walked away, leaving her to finish her mango juice alone.

***************************************************

-+-+

Time still went by. Love Destiny was a mega hit, making them the new darling couple of the nation. With that, offers for events and advertisements kept pouring in. Then they accepted another drama, which cemented their status as the onscreen couple people wanted to end up together the most.  Prom Likit was another huge hit, followed by dozens of schedules that paired them together.

Bella became such an ingrained part of his life that a half of Pope thought he didn’t care of their status anymore. As long as she’s always within reach and could be called his best friend, he would be satisfied.

But another part of him felt hurt whenever she answered her lovers’ phone call. Or when she posted something related to Weir in her Instagram. Or when they had a schedule outside Bangkok and she would buy him souvenirs.

It had grown from mild pain to searing pain.

He thought he would feel the pain growing dull after enough time went by.

It didn’t.

He bled more. Inside.

It’s not like he hadn’t tried to keep her out of his head.

He tried to hang out with an actress or two in his free time. Tried to open his heart and let them in. At least he tried to talk to them regularly.

Just – to make him realize that Bella was not the only woman on earth, that he’s desirable. That he could be with somebody else – if he wanted to.

She knew that he’s trying. When she heard he’s out with Mew Nittha or other actress, she would always about it, and he would act as if he’s considering to make the relationship official.

But in the end, they both knew it was a failing effort.

It started to hurt so much when they finished filming, or wrapped up a promotional event. Because he would go crazy thinking she’d spend time with Weir.

The worst part was that because it was how it’s supposed to be.

One day, on the supposed to be ordinary “Goodbye, see you soon”, he realized he wanted to grab her so bad.

The wish clogged his throat so intensely until he felt he couldn’t breathe.

He simply couldn’t breathe.

He simply couldn’t stand it anymore.

Pretending he was fine.

Pretending it wasn’t painful to see her going to the arms of another man.

Pretending he didn’t love her.

Sensing something different, she asked, “P’ Pope? What’s wrong? Are you feeling alright?”

Everything is wrong, Bell. And no, I’m not alright.

But of course, he didn’t say a word, and merely tried to make a nonchalant smile as usual.

She was worried, but had to leave already, because Weir was waiting for her at the parking lot of the building.

What’s new, Pope thought bitterly.

He had enough.

He needed to accept the fact that their timing was never right.

That he needed distance from her.

That he better moved on before he couldn’t find his way back to sanity anymore.

After that moment, he tried to not contact her anymore.

It was different at first, but he managed to go on day by day until a month went by.

Bella was confused. She’s so used to chat with him daily when she didn’t have any work with him, talking about everything under the sun.

It’s lonely without that, so she texted him, “P’ Pope? Did I do something wrong?”

Pope didn’t reply.

Months after Prom Likit, he received several new drama scripts, including a modern setting drama offer with Bella.

They had talked in the past that if they had the chance, they’d try a modern setting drama together.

However, this time, Pope decided to reject it.

And received another offer to star in a drama alongside Mew Nittha again.

It was a huge shock for Bella, who had already confirmed her willingness to star in the new drama offer with Pope.

She felt so lost that she tried to reach him that day. Everytime her call was rejected, she would just redial his number.

There’s an unsettling feeling in her heart.

I’m losing him, she thought. He’s fading away from my life.

A sense of panic built up until she was on the verge of crying.

She who always tried to be positive thinking couldn’t relax at all.

She needed to hear his reason for rejecting the new drama, and receiving the other offer with Mew Nittha.

Is he really trying to get closer to her? After all these years?

Finally, nearing 10 PM that evening, Pope picked up her call.

“Hi, Bell. It’s been a while.”

She thought he sounded exhausted.

Well, he’s always as busy as she was, if not more.

“Yes, P’ Pope. It’s been so long. You’ve been rejecting my calls and not replying my texts. What happened? Did I anger you or something?”

He didn’t answer.

“Why did you reject the drama, P’ Pope? Didn’t we agree we’d try modern drama setting? I thought you want it.”

When he still said nothing, she had to check  whether he had hung up on her or not.

He hadn’t.

“P’ Pope? Hello?”

“I’m still here” he said.

“Oh. You haven’t answered me.”

“I’ve always been here, Bell. Are you aware of that?”

There’s something in his voice that made the chills ran down her spine.

He’s silent again for a while.

He was standing at the balcony of his apartment, wanting to breathe easier and look at the moon above.

He knew it was time to settle things.

He’s been dragging it too long, and he was at the edge of his energy.

“I want some distance away from you” Pope confessed to the evening sky.

It was Bella’s turn to find it was hard to breathe.

“Because being your brother has become too painful, Bell. I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.”

It was merely a second passed, but he could hear her starting to cry.

It cut him into a million different ways, but he continued.

“We both know what I really want. But I’m only lying to myself. You’re loyal to him, and that’s the right thing to do. I just – it hurts too much. I’m really sorry, Bell. I’m not that good after all. Let’s – let’s take some time in not contacting each other. Stay healthy, alright? I’ll – I’ll hang up for now, ok?”

And without waiting for her reply, he hung up.

He had tears in his eyes and it hurt so goddamn much, but he knew it was necessary. It was the wise step. It was the right step.

He should’ve done that a long time ago.

Unknown to him, in her room, Bella cried like somebody died, and she didn’t stop grieving even after days and weeks passed.

He started to pick up the pieces of his broken heart and began a new life, free of her, drowning himself in work.

But Bella’s world, it’s crumbling. Without admitting it, Pope too, had become the biggest part of her world.

With her connection to him cut so clean, she felt destroyed inside.

And her world became dark.

*****************************************************

Author’s Note:

*offering you some tissues and water*

I hope it’s not too intense for you, haha.

I’ve been trying to avoid writing this since I finish the drama, but the of course, resistance is futile.

I need to let this all out to focus in my life again.

I think this is close enough to reality.

This will have a story continuation, though, where I’ll bend reality even more J

If your heart is strong enough, you can wait for the next part.

Thank you for reading.

How about commenting? You’ll make me really happy.

PS: I changed Susie into Mew Nittha because I just heard that Susie already got a steady boyfriend as well. It doesn't feel right to use her as the second female character here. So there you go.