“Live your life to the fullest, enjoy the bits and pieces of life that you can. Though you may suffer from time to time amongst the living, create beautiful memories and you shall be rewarded with peace when laid to your final rest.”
 
    I remember the first time my mother spoke those words. Not just words of comfort but also redemption, a way of forgiving herself for bringing someone into this world with what could only be deemed as a curse. Though I treasure my first few years living in ignorance knowledge would have spared me much pain, bittersweet isn’t it? I always knew I was different, I didn’t have much of a choice. Everyone made sure I had a daily reminder, some intentional, some not, and some harsher than others. It wasn’t that I was actually any different from the rest of them, I just didn’t fit their standards of what was viewed as normal. Though biologically speaking we were all made of the same flesh and bones, that one mutation in a single chromosome made such a difference the world decided it was like I was an entirely different species, an outcast. 

    My first three years I spent excitedly looking at the world like all normal babies do. Unfortunately for my mother, she had to suffer through knowing that for those three happy years her child had been walking around almost blind badly in need of glasses. She thought it would be a big challenge to make a three-year-old grow accustomed to having glasses after having lived three years without them, thinking blindness was the way to go. I was three so I didn’t have much to say but even so my reality for those three years was blurry, whether I could express it or not it was still my reality. Luckily it turned out I enjoyed new experiences and learned to love the reality that everyone else saw. I can’t say that my childhood was that much of a mess, at least not while I was still at home and wasn’t forced to attend school. So for seven years I lived peacefully not knowing how cruel the world actually was. Sure, I had moments where I would be sick a lot but isn’t that part of everyone’s childhood? 

    School was anything but a fun place to learn and experience new things. Instead, the older I got the worse the students became. Either I was too tall, my teeth were too crooked or my glasses seemed to annoy the living hell out of them. At first, it was just words, words that were not meant to harm but in the long run became the worst things people could say. ‘You are really tall’, ‘You have glasses’, 'You have long fingers', 'You have big feet'. Pointing out the obvious like I didn’t already know from looking in the mirror. Just constant reminders of how people noticed everything but what actually mattered. I was still pretty talkative at this point and tried my best to make friends even though I was everyone’s last pick when choosing teams for school activities. Being frozen out like that left me sticking to the people who had no choice but to be around me, my family. My cousin turned into my best friend that was of the same age. He looked past all the things people kept seeing instead focusing on what was in my heart. The strong bond we had was the only thing that kept me going when his older brother decided it was time for me to be deflowered without my permission. I wish I could say it was the last time, but it wasn’t and he wasn’t the only one who decided to force their desperate affection on me. It broke me, but not as much as no one listening to my cries for help, not as much as hearing how people didn’t believe my story when I tried to tell it. Blood is thicker than water they say. So I was forced to stop my nonsense and show some respect because family always forgives and forgets, always treats each other with kindness. In the end, I did the only thing I could do, I took all the memories and feelings and put it in a box hidden deep within myself where no one could see it, where no one could find it. I wish someone would have stopped me from locking myself up, from becoming quiet, maybe that would have at least spared me from the chaos that began brewing in the box from that day just waiting for the right moment to explode. 

    The older I got, the more everything escalated. Society told you how to dress and how to act. People all around you tried to push their beliefs on you like you weren’t equipped with the brains to have your own. You aren’t allowed to have your own opinions. The bullying got worse, I started getting sick more often, and with the body transforming into a young woman the male population started to take an interest in certain features of mine that I was blessed with. I was told to be patient, that better times would come, I just needed to hold on a while longer. Going to school to be verbally and physically assaulted throughout the day and then coming home to medications and doctors appointments started to be the new reality. I think I preferred the blurry reality if I am being completely honest. People stared at me in school, people stared at me at hospitals. The only difference was that at the hospital they had expressions of amazement and curiosity - I was special. At every appointment, the doctor would ask if students were welcome to sit in to learn something new. I didn’t expect to make such adult decisions at an early age, but I always said yes thinking if I was patient and raised awareness of this curse then they would finally find a cure and the torment would stop. Boy, was I foolish. There is no cure, only ways to make it bearable while you sit there and wait for your demise. 

    I learned to hate mankind at an early age but I still found interesting things to keep me busy, be it sports, movies, music or even drawing. I wasn’t going to be satisfied until I tried mastering everything - craving new experiences everywhere I went. I tried to find ways to appreciate life, to find something that would give me strength while waiting patiently for both body and mind to heal. Years passed by and I became sick more frequently. No doctor actually paid much attention to it until my body decided it was time to be taken seriously. With a spine shaped like an S, it didn’t take much time for them to ultimately connect all the dots. All the bruising, all the broken bones weren’t so normal after all. I was fifteen when they finally gave the curse that had no cure a name, a curse that was going to be the death of me sooner rather than later. Telling a fifteen-year-old girl that doing all the things she loved would kill her wasn’t a warning I would advise anyone to give. In fact, it scared both me and my parents to the point I had to stop with almost everything and just sit in a protective bubble in my room so I could live a “long life”. But keeping me locked in a tower didn’t help, I still needed multiple surgeries for various reasons and medication. All of this while being forced to enjoy the torments of life called trying to be a normal kid going to school.  

    What everyone saw was this broken, shy little girl with a target on her back for the world to throw its worst at, a human punching bag. My rights, my personal space, everything people take for granted was taken away from me the second I took my first breath of air. I would no longer have the right to say no. No right to exist without someone interfering. No right to do the things I loved because I needed to make sure I followed and pleased everyone else no matter how uncomfortable I felt. This was the way to ensure my health and happiness. If I followed what everyone else said I would finally be able to be part of society instead of living on the outside looking in. But it was all just lies, all part of some greater scheme to feed their own selfish reasons to get closer to their own happy endings in life. I was the girl they took their frustration out on. I was the girl everyone ganged up on. The one to treat exactly how they felt until it made them feel better. I was the girl who people silently wanted to be friends with but chose not to, to avoid being on the receiving end of the same treatment. The few people who did care, silently or not, always gave the same advice. ‘Stand up for yourself’, ‘Don’t listen to them’, ‘You are not that different’. They cared, but not enough to fight with me, I had to do everything myself. It wasn’t like I never tried, or I wasn’t strong enough to zone out and ignore the hurtful remarks, it was just harder to avoid it once people decided to turn physical to make me listen. 

    Have you ever tried going to war by yourself against an army that outnumbered you by a large scale? I am sure you would put up a great fight, but your body would grow tired of constantly having to deflect attacks from all sides. And no matter how hard you tried you would end up with cuts and bruises that would never get the chance to heal before the next attack. Once your body starts growing tired, so does your mind - and that is when you are at a greater disadvantage, they’ll strike you when you least expect it. There is no way to win the war, no matter how much of a fight you put up. You will get back up, you will not go down easily, but never having the time to attend to your wounds means you will likely bleed out and thus still lose the war. Having to actually be at war, feeling every single ache in your body is a battle for the body. Needing to fight to stay sane and keep fighting is a battle for your mind. Question is, which one comes first and deals you your death?

    The shy girl who everyone thought was in need of saving wasn’t shy at all. No. I was just patiently observing, collecting all the data I could possibly need. Waiting to turn into a weapon of mass destruction that would get it’s sweet revenge when the world least expected it. Some would say that is a bit of an exaggeration but you’d be surprised how reckless people would get in front of a nobody, a ghost that never speaks. The secrets people spilled thinking it was safe to share as long as they threatened me enough, who would I tell anyway? No one wanted to be associated with me so who would even believe a word I said? This fragile outsider wasn’t seen as a threat, but boy were they wrong. For every interaction, I participated in or silently watched I learned to read people to the point I knew what they were going to do before they even knew themselves. But secrets and human behavior weren’t the only things I found useful, I wanted the answers to everything that was humanly possible. Knowledge was power and my cravings for it grew by the day. 

    Did my patience finally run out though? Did the weapon of mass destruction clear everything in its path and smile in triumph after winning the war? The answer is no. I already told you, there is no way to win a war on your own. Standing on my own two feet for so long, relentlessly dealing with the abuse from people around me and God himself, I was finally ready to give up when an angel appeared by my side. I was no longer alone, no longer fighting on my own and though the war didn’t end at that moment I found a new type of strength that I was certain would bring me to my victory. I remember it clear as day. 

    It was a breezy summer night when my, at the time, artificial best friend decided to set me up on a double date. I wish I could say it was out of the kindness of her heart but really, she was only trying to win over some macho bad boy that went to the same school as us. I stopped listening to her explanation of McDreamy the second she got to the part about being tall, dark and absolutely mysterious and she just wanted to do bad things to him. I personally didn’t need the details of her twisted fantasies. But hey, I don’t judge. Whatever floats your boat, just don’t pull me into your soon to be sinking ship. 

    “Omg, here they come. How do I look?”
    “Like you were hit by a truck filled with glitter.”
    “Ri, cheer up, will you! Stop being so annoying, tonight is really important to me!”
    “Better?” I pulled a strained smile that could fool just about anyone.
    “Stay just like that!” 
    “Soomi, don’t you look stunning tonight.” An annoyingly nasal voice says before embracing her.
    “Stop it!” Soomi playfully slaps the stranger's shoulder. “Jaewon, this is RiRin, the girl I told you about.”
    “And what do we have here?” Jaewon picks up my hand, getting ready to plant a kiss on it. “The most beautiful girl in here tonight.”
    “Flattery will get you nowhere, literally nowhere,”I said, unimpressed.
    “Ri!”
    “I mean, it is such a pleasure to meet you Jaewon! Please sit next to me!” 
    “Don’t mind if I do.”
    In the corner of my eye, I could see a tall and dark figure, stiff as a board, walking up to Soomi. 
    “Everyone, this is Yongguk. Isn’t he dreamy?” She said while clinging on to him like he was a prize she just won at the fare. It didn’t take a genius to understand how uncomfortable he was with the skinship but his signals clearly weren’t enough to make her stop, as he was backing off slightly, however too slightly for the not-so-people-reader to stop.
“I think he would look better without all that glitter covering his dark, moody aura.” In a matter of a second, our eyes met, confusion written all over his face.
    “Ri that wasn’t a very nice thing to say, we talked about this! I am so sorry Yongguk, she just isn’t very good at having a filter on that foul mouth of hers.” I could feel Soomi glaring at me, but my eyes were too busy trying to win a staring contest to even spare her a fraction of a second.
    “Yes, my deepest apologies for the sinful ways of my mouth, sometimes it gets a bit out of control. But please, sit down, I will try to put a leash on it.” If it wasn’t for a deep chuckle stopping Soomi in her tracks she would have pulled me to the bathroom to give me another lecture on how I was ruining her life and should just follow her lead. Instead, they both sat down and the evening filled with awkwardness was ready to start. 
    “Can I get you anything to drink?” A waiter interrupted.
    “SHE will have a glass of water. I’d like a long island iced tea please.” Soomi quickly responded. 
    “Since you got my orders covered will you please excuse me while I go freshen up?” Without actually waiting for approval I walked in the direction of the bar. 
    “The bathroom is the other way, Ri.”
    “I know.” There was no way I was going to suffer through that dinner without alcohol to make things interesting, or at least bearable. Three shots later I returned to the table, all eyes on me as I sit down.
    “Wow, you are super tall,” Jaewon says.
    “Thanks for noticing pal, I pulled that off just for you,” I say while pinching one of his cheeks, earning myself a kick in the shin under the table. With the hate clearly showing in Soomi’s eyes I could only assume I was walking on thin ice so I did what everyone else preferred I did and kept my mouth shut. Since it appeared Yongguk wasn’t that much of a talker the dinner was mostly filled with the two people who couldn’t even seem to shut up while having food in their mouths. Talking about the latest trends and gossip, sharing childhood memories with each other that neither I or Yongguk found particularly interesting. Yongguk was busying himself with tapping his fingers to the music, song after song, while trying not to seem too uninterested in whatever nonsense Soomi was throwing his way, though I could clearly see the boredom in his eyes. If he was as much of a thinker as he seemed to be, he had to be having way more fun in his brain right now than in the actual live conversation happening in front of him - even if his brain would turn out to be a lousy entertainer. Me? I made sure I mirrored all of Soomi’s actions as according to her that was the right way to behave in public. Every now and then Jaewon would ask me questions, though I diligently tried to dodge them I made sure to keep my responses short and curt to not let one of Soomi's veins pop from disappointment. As I watch Jaewon's mouth form syllables to which I every now and then give him something like an answer, the other female suddenly jolting excitedly draws my attention to her entirely.
    “Dance with me,” Soomi said and grabbed Yongguk’s hand.
    “I, uh..”
    “Come on!” She pulled him along hoping her high pitched giggles lured him in.
    “So..” A hand landed on my thigh.
    “Yup.” Soomi always told me I should swallow my shallow opinions and embrace what little affection I could get. Though every single bone in my body told me to slap his hand away I promised Soomi to try things her way, because happiness is all about making sacrifices.
    “I am really happy she set us up, you know.”
    “How so?” I said while trying to hide my disgust.
    “As long as we love one another, God will live in us, and his love will be complete in us.” It took me a moment to figure it out, during the entire dinner he never mentioned any religious parts of his life so why he all of a sudden decided to go full-on Judas with me was beyond me, but right at this moment his eyes were glued to my choker that happened to have a cross on it. “I think we met for a reason..” Jaewon slowly lets his hand slip under my dress. “God says to do everything with love, and..“ His fingers gliding up my inner thigh, a bit too close for comfort, as he whispers in my ear ”Above all love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins.” I couldn’t take it, everything felt so wrong and at this point, I didn’t even care how disappointed she would get with me. Without thinking I grabbed the fork and jammed it into his hand. He shrieked in pain.
    “God also says that if you cannot exercise self-control, you should marry for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” The song must have ended as the ‘happy’ couple returned to the table. Soomi seemed very pleased with herself while Yongguk’s whole demeanor screamed to be saved. 
    “Oh my god Jaewon, you are bleeding. What happened?” Soomi exclaimed.
    “Eh, it’s nothing..” He was clutching a napkin to his hand, trying to stem the bleeding.
    “I stabbed him.”
    “You WHAT? Are you ing crazy?”
    “No, it was a simple misunderstanding, don’t worry.” Jaewon tried to smooth things over.
    “That is it, I am officially done with you, you monster! You can’t just go around stabbing people all the time because you can’t handle being around other human beings. I tried so hard to help you get out of your lonely shell but you are so ing stubborn and only want things your way. Stop being so selfish and just grow the up already!”
    “You know what? Thanks for this lovely dinner invitation that wasn’t at all forced down my throat so you could try and score yourself another bad boy to live on the wild side a while longer while being in denial about wanting a sugar daddy to sponsor your glamorous lifestyle. Here is a tip for you, learn to read the room blondie. You might not have tried to stuff your hand down his pants like the idiot next to me but you sure as hell weren’t considerate towards his” I gestured at Yongguk “Feelings of being your ing puppet.” I turn towards Jaewon. “And you, God, really? Did you think that would work to justify your erted needs which clearly seemed to be more important than me being comfortable with the situation? Here.” I took off the choker and gave it to Jaewon “Go ing in a closet if you are so desperate to be close to God. I personally will take my chances in hell since I am pretty sure I would qualify as the devil’s doppelganger whenever the he needed a vacation. Now please walk away before I stab you again.” He must not have liked being stabbed with a fork as he took off running rather quickly.
    “I hate you!” Soomi spat in my face before hurrying after her longtime good friend the ‘religious’ ert. For some reason Yongguk was still sitting down, I assumed I had given him a good excuse to get the hell out of dodge and yet he was still here looking more relaxed than he had done the entire evening.
    “I want two of whatever he is drinking,” I tell the nervous waiter who had just witnessed the entire thing by accident as he was trying to clear the finished plates off of our table. 
    “...”
    “You know what, bring the bottle, I am a very nice tipper.” As we were waiting for the waiter to return to our table we sat there in silence, not awkward just... silence. In my mind, I was mentally kicking myself for being so rude, but they deserved it, right? Having people tell you to pretend to be everything you are not is rude, the fact that I didn’t just murder Jaewon considering my past was a miracle. 
    “H-Here you go.”
    “Thanks,” I said with a genuine smile on my face as I handed him a $50 tip. The look of surprise in his eyes was exactly what I needed to remind myself that I wasn’t such a horrible person for standing up for myself. Treat others how you want to be treated and don’t look so damn surprised when someone actually treats you how YOU treat people, some of us just need a wake-up call everyone now and then. “Geonbae.” I say as I raise my glass and down the entire drink.
    “You should probably not” Yongguk doesn’t get to finish his sentence as I started to cough.
    “Mother of all fallopian tubes, what the hell is this?”
    “Yamazaki.”
    “Yama-what now? This doesn’t exactly taste like sunshine and rainbows.”
    “Were you expecting it to?”
    “Well… kinda. But then again karma might not have enjoyed all the cursing earlier and decided to do its own version of washing someone's mouth with soap.”
    “Are you sure that is a good idea?” He says as I pour some more into my glass.
    “Not really but if you knew me you would know that nothing I do is a good idea.” For a moment we just sat there, looking into each other’s eyes.. 
    “I’m sorry about ruining your date.”
    “Don’t worry about it. You did, after all, punish yourself by making your own date run off so I think we are even.”
    “Yeah..” I down another glass, trying hard not to make any faces but failing miserably. “I chased away the man of my dreams, whatever will I do now?”
    “Learn how to drink whiskey while enjoying it properly?”
    “And what? You are going to teach me?”
    “Maybe.”
    “A musician is going to teach the devil’s doppelganger to drink Yamazaki?”
    “What gave it away?”
    “The way you kept tapping your fingers to every single song.”
    “A lot of people do that.”
    “Yeah, but a lot of people only do it when it is their jam being played. So either every single song played here tonight was your jam or you have a passion for music.”
    "Fair enough."
Playing with the glass in my hand, using my thumb to slowly spin it on the table, causing it to produce sounds that are mostly drowned out by the music, I scan the room with my eyes. Letting my sight wander over the windows and the decorative moldings above for probably the hundredth time tonight, I suppress an annoyed sigh. Instead, my hand clenches around the glass for but a moment, then proceeding to spin it round and round. Soomi pops back up in my mind. I don't even want to see her face right now, let alone imagine it, so I stare at her failed date instead. I push myself to get the conversation rolling again. Being stuck in silence won't get me anything except for just that - silence.
    “Okay Yongguk, seeing how you haven’t been much of a talker today and actually don’t have any obligations to stay here I am giving you one chance to run away and avoid having to deal with my future bad life choices. If you stay I am going to have to figure out a game to keep the both of us entertained which is going to be hard because, to be honest, I am quite the talker if you couldn’t tell.” He finished his drink but seemed hesitant whether to leave or not, almost as if he was worried I would feel offended. The waiter passes by to check that his new favorite customers were satisfied. “I am sure you are a great guy Mr. Yamazaki but I would feel a lot better if you did what you feel like doing and if that is to be in the comfort of your own home where there are no crazies stabbing people with forks then that is okay. I have my buddy the waiter, I am sure he is looking to score another big tip.”
    "A pink panther please" Yongguk throws at our best man, who immediately nods as to signal he understood, running off into the direction of the bar at a speed as if he could already smell the next $50 bill.
    “Where is he going? Is he serious? He does know that there is no such thing as a pink panther unless you colored its fur which is not only a bad idea but also a cruel one.”
    “It’s a drink.”
    “... Well I mean that does sound more likely but the thought of him trying to find a pink panther in hopes of getting tipped again is more amusing.” For the first time that night he let his guard down and laughed, blessing me with a genuine smile, gums and all. “You should do that more often.”
    “What?”
    “Strike your opponents with a gummy smile, it surely will work great as a distraction if you are ever in a fight due to the contrast of your bad boy looks.”
    “For someone as observant as you who seems in need of being read instead of judged by the cover you sure stick to the superficial details.”
    “Bad habit of mine I picked up from being lectured on how a real human being acts to fit into society more smoothly. People do love to stick to their idiotic behaviors while they chase after dreams that aren’t their own.”
    “What do you mean?”
    “The second you are born your parents will start to groom you the way they think is best suited based on their opinions and influences from their time growing up. The older you grow the more influences you get from TV, music, teachers, doctors and everything else you are exposed to. Instead of following your feelings of what feels good to you, what makes you happy, you will always make sure that the dreams you want to chase after are dreams you read about in books or saw once in a movie to reassureyou that you are sticking to the norms of your culture. Everyone wants to be accepted and acknowledge in one way or the other and so we limit ourselves to fit in.”
    “What about free will?”
    “We all have it. We are allowed to have our own thoughts, opinions, and ways of living. But we are also plagued by insecurities, fears of being rejected and cast aside that will make most people pick the option that is more likely to have you stay surrounded by people than the option that will possibly have you end up alone, marked as a weirdo.” I poured another glass for myself, overdoing it a bit but what did I care. Running away from feeling anything but numb was what I was best at. “Don’t get me wrong, the conversation is going really great but it is not really an entertaining subject. So, since you decided to stay for at least one more drink I am going to insist we play a game. You wanted me to learn how to drink whiskey and I really don’t have a lot of patience but I do have a lot of curiosity so how about combining 20 questions game with me taking small sips for every answer you give me?”
    “Do I get to ask questions as well?”
    “Seems only fair.”
    “Then you have a deal.” Seeing how I just earned myself an answer I readied myself to take a sip as the waiter placed the pinkest colored drink I have ever seen on the table. With my eyes glued to the drink, Yongguk takes his chance to steal the glass I was holding. 
    “Hey, that is mine!”
    “I think you will enjoy this a bit more.” He says as he pushes the drink towards me. My eyes going wide as I take a sip and that sweet milky flavor explodes in my mouth.
    “Now this tastes like sunshine and rainbows!” Eagerly taking another sip before eyeing him suspiciously. “Wait a second.. are you trying to get me drunk?”  
    “I think you have done a pretty good job yourself with that.”
    “... Fair point. Keep them coming buddy and I will throw you another $50 for a job well done!” The waiter gladly accepted and kept himself busy while always keeping an eye on the table to make sure when to return with another one. “First question. I know you have been to more than one date with Soomi, how come you kept trying even though you clearly weren’t going to get comfortable with her sticking to you like glue anytime soon?” 
    “I was not aware this was a date. We happened to meet through a common friend of ours, so every time she invited me for something it was always a bunch of people showing up so I was expecting something other than a double date when arriving.”
    “Well, that surely explains a lot. But you do know she painted a pretty picture where a wedding was around the corner and your five kids she already named, right?”
    “I already answered a question, drink. It’s my turn.”
    “Someone likes to follow the rules I see. Alright, ask me anything.” I say before taking another sip of the sweet drink.
    “Do you stab people a lot?”
    “Yes, yes I do. I also kidnap penguins and believe blueberries give you the power to communicate with dead people.”
    “What did the penguins do to deserve that?”
    “Tsk tsk tsk, you already asked a question and received an answer I believe it is MY turn.”
    “That wasn’t even a real answer.”
    “Well, the rules never stated I wasn’t allowed to lie or make up whatever answer I felt like giving so... technically I followed the rules.”
    “Someone likes to find the loopholes I see.” I stick out my tongue at him resulting in us both laughing before continuing the game. The waiter kept the drinks coming, he even pulled some strings to let me and Yongguk stay after the last guests left. He made a deal with the owner that he would do all the cleaning and the dishes if the two of us could stay to keep him company. He vouched for us, two strangers who by then were rather intoxicated. We did offer our help once the owner left the faith of the restaurant in the hands of the waiter and two drunk strangers but he simply asked us to sit at the bar which I interpreted as sit on the bar. Having made myself comfortable, we kept going with the game. Unfortunately we were already at question number 15, so I thought long and hard about whatever I could ask next - and of course, I pulled all my creative strings to come up with ways to answer the most ridiculous things possible when it was Yongguk's turn to ask.
    "Do you prefer cats or dogs?" I stare at him in silence, at which he adds with a wink, "It's for science."
    "Pineapples!" I scream almost automatically. He can't hold back his giggles while his mouth forms into a teethy smile, giving sight to his pink gums.
    "Okay, my turn!" I announce, my hand shooting up into the air as if I was at school, eager to answer a question I have studied for nights and days. Thinking I was being smart in asking an in my eyes equally stupid question back, I blurt out excitedly, "What was here first? Chicken or egg?" He gives me a fiery look at the misplaced philosophical question, before speaking slowly as he is actually trying to give a serious,well-thought-out answer.
    "The chicken does develop in and hatch from an egg, however for there to be eggs, a chicken must have laid it. Or might you be talking about a more figurative approach...?"
    "Is that your next question?" I ask while I down the rest of my drink and he shakes his head.
    "No..."
    "But you asked something! So - your loss!" Playing this game, I might as well win it, even if one doesn't usually win or lose here…
    "But first! I need another drink" I announce, still grinning in the feeling of victory. I lift my legs over the bar and hop down, with our waiter watching my every move, getting ready to interfere if I were to make a mess. As I reach out for a bottle on the top shelf, I can almost see his nerves failing him one after the other.
    "Don't worry, man. I know what I'm doing" I reassure him, pulling off the cap with my teeth - granted, that was rude - and pouring into my glass a little bit of this, a little bit of that, until I have a sweet, syrupy mixture with tons of alcohol hidden underneath the intoxicating taste. Hopping back onto the counter with a full glass of well-mixed goodies in my hand, I fail to remember tricking him into losing one question. So instead, he goes on asking.
    "Why do you feel the need to hide your true self?" Silence is what follows. I stare at him blankly for a few seconds, then immediately jumping in to make some smart remark, but he stops me by speaking up himself.
    "I'm sorry, that was too deep of a question for this game..."
    "I do because people obviously can't handle me" I answer nonetheless, then laugh it off. "But you're doing pretty well so far!" He too gives off a laugh, though a brief one, and probably not because he finds what I said funny. I learned a lot about Yongguk that night like him having a twin brother and a sister he was very close to, him owning a dog named Tigger. His dream was to release meaningful music and his secret dream was to brew his own whiskey. I learned he spent quite a lot of time helping out at shelters, feeding the homeless and donating clothes to keep them warm during winter. There were so much warmth and kindness hidden under that strong aura of his that made people think he belonged to the mafia. Unfortunately the drunker I got the more absurd the questions became which resulted in us sharing embarrassing moments and pictures from the past. 
    “Alright you two, it is time to go home.”
    “You, my lord, have been a blessing in disguise.” I hand the waiter his well-deserved tip.
    “Will you make it home safely or can I offer you a ride somewhere?”
    “Don’t worry, I am big and strong, I am more worried about the troublemaker over there.” I say pointing at Yongguk.
    “We will be fine Kyung, I will walk her home.”
    “I can walk myself home!” 
    “You are not as tall as you think.” Yongguk says while smirking before starting to walk to the exit of the restaurant.
    “...Yes, I am!” I jump off the bar to put on my shoes. I don’t even remember why they came off in the first place, before catching up with Yongguk. Due to miscalculating just how much I had drunk the walk home was rather wobbly at first. Poor thing didn’t know that the walk to my place was almost an hour but he pulled through without any complaints. The only good thing that actually came out of it was the fresh air helping both of us sober up. Although he doesn’t really show any signs of being drunk he drank just as much as me. I mean, he laughed more and spoke in longer sentences but as for the typical can’t walk straight and only has dumb to say… nothing. I was doing enough of that for the both of us. As we stand in front of the door to my apartment Yongguk gets ready to leave.
    “Where do you think you are going?”
    “To the comfort of my own home where there are no crazies stabbing people with forks?”
    “Tough luck, you insisted on walking me home not knowing how far we actually had to walk," I say, shrugging. "It is dolknow o'clock in the middle of the night, you are staying." I am met with eyes of disbelief, getting wider and wider, but not wide enough for anyone who isn't paying close attention to them to notice a difference.  “You can even take the bedroom so you can lock the door and be sure that I won’t sneak up on you with any forks while you sleep.” I manage to get the door open and pull him inside, I head straight for the bedroom.
    “Shouldn’t you take off your shoes?” 
    “Oh… right.” The better idea would have been to walk back and take them off but instead, I loosened them and then kicked them off in hopes they would land at their rightful spot. Not sure how many households place their shoes in their plants but for tonight that was exactly where my shoes belonged. “So, here is where you are going to sleep tonight and I will take the small couch in the living room/kitchen.”
    “No, it’s okay. I will take the couch.”
    “Didn’t you say I wasn’t as tall as I thought I was? I will take the couch, I insist.” I went over to the closet to dig out some clothes to sleep in for the both of us. Lucky for him I found it rather comfortable with very oversized clothes so hopefully there would be something that would fit in there. Turning around I was getting ready to say goodnight and hand over the clothes. I am not sure what exactly made me lean in to kiss him on the cheek but remember I said how everything I do always turns out to be not such a good idea? My luck hadn’t changed. Yongguk turned his head and before I had the time to react our lips met. His oh so sweet and soft lips... I quickly slapped myself mentally to snap out of it and my gut was just screaming to get out of this awkward situation.
    “I, UHM… Yeah. Are you good? I’m good.. Good? Alright! Night!” Rushing out I slammed the door shut, forgetting to hand over the clothes I picked out for him. I walked around in the living room, cursing myself for being such an idiot. How was I even going to explain what happened? Thinking it was best to just go to bed I started taking off clothes to change into shorts and a hoodie. And there it was, the sweatpants and oversized t-shirt I had picked out for him in case he wanted something more comfortable to sleep in. He could, of course, sleep nake…  Again, I stopped my thoughts from wandering off on their own in a panic, violently shaking my head until my vision started spinning. I picked up the clothes and walked in the direction of the bedroom, as I got a bit closer I could remember the kissing incident and so I turned around to walk back towards the living room. But then my guilty conscience decided the right thing to do was to hand him the clothes, and so I found myself walking back and forth trying to figure out what to say. Why did I even try to give him a kiss on the cheek in the first place? And why did I run like a coward just because the kiss happened to be placed on his lips instead? I don’t know why I did that, I normally don’t get nervous but it was just.. We both had an evening where we were pushed to do things outside our comfort zones... Oh my god, what if I made him feel uncomfortable? What if I just ruined the fun evening for him by accidentally being a ert. And so I ran for the door and opened it without really considering if he had started to undress or not. 
    “WHY DID YOU DO THAT? AND WHY ARE YOU NOT WEARING A SHIRT?” There he was, no shirt and tattoos that clearly had been covered the entire evening. It was so distracting I almost forgot why I came in the room in the first place. As I nervously kept talking like it was helping the situation Yongguk walked up to me. “I’m sorry, it wasn’t your fault, it was technically mine but I didn't mean to do that! The kiss like, it wasn’t supposed to happen that way. I was trying to aim for your cheek and then you kind of just turn-” And he kissed me. I was too stupid to understand what was happening until I felt him cup my face and gently press his lips against mine. I dropped the clothes I didn’t remember I was still holding. It was like being in a trance, the second his lips moved mine followed. If his lips softly pressing against mine felt heavenly then it was nothing compared to when he tilted my head and deepened the kiss. My body was a jumbled mess of electrifying feelings I hadn’t felt before, it was intoxicating. The kiss ending as we both try to catch our breath. “What was that for?” 
    “You wouldn’t shut up.”
    “I would have if you let me finish what I was saying.”
    “And what were you saying?”
    “That.. the, uh.. That isn’t the point, the point is you can’t just kiss me to shut me up!”
    “Then how do I get you to shut up?”
    “Well, you could have... Why did you want me to shut up in the first place?!”
    “I think you should take your own tip and learn to read the room, shortie.”
    “Hey!” I playfully pushed Yongguk watching him fall onto the bed, what I hadn’t taken into account was the fact that he had seen through me and pulled me down with him. We both couldn’t help but laugh.God I loved seeing his smile. I always made sure to protect myself and my heart around strangers, but right now I was ready to throw everything away to enjoy every moment I spent with Yongguk. Whether it was just for tonight, a week or eternity I wanted nothing other than to treasure every second I would get. I took a long look at his face, thoroughly scanning eyes, nose, his cheeks, lips, chin, jawline,... until he let out a chuckle under me.
    “What are you staring me down for?” he asked with that deep voice of his. I just shook my head, smiling fondly to myself, and lowering my body into a more relaxed position. 
    “You gonna fall asleep like that…?” I heard him softly whisper. I nodded, peeking up at him shaking his head. “We can’t have that…” Confused for a second, I definitely did not see him wrapping his arms around my body, rolling to his side and lifting me fully onto the bed. I ended up with my face really close to his bare chest, the tip of my nose almost brushing against the inked skin.
    “This should be better…” he said. I felt his soft lips landing a peck on my forehead, before I lifted myself onto my elbows.
    “You know what would be the best though?” I questioned with a smirk. He answered by gesturing me to keep talking and explain. “This” I said as I laid my head down on his chest I could hear his steady heartbeat. One of Yongguk’s hands found its way into my hair, gently playing with it as the other was protectively holding me in place.
    “RiRin?
    “Yeah?”
    “You at kissing.”
    “And you at drinking Yamazaki.”

    It wasn’t much of a way to say good night, but it was to become our version of it. Two people saying the opposite of what they meant knowing it would put a smile on each others faces. After that night we were inseparable, but it wasn’t without struggles. Before I met Yongguk I had reached a point where I was willing to stop fighting seeing how there was no end to the curse in the near future, there wasn’t an end that didn’t have me dying if we are perfectly honest. But imagine waking up every single day knowing that for the rest of your life you will always be in some kind of pain, fighting your way to enjoy life to the best of your capabilities? ‘Just try not to think about it, just live in the moment and we will deal with what the future holds.’ It is not like I personally force myself to just think about my misery day in and day out, I actually tend to try and do the opposite but I cannot control reminders coming from other people and I certainly cannot control whenever my body decides to start aching. There is no escaping it. You can try to live in denial, you can try to chase after some distraction which you think will be your savior for the day but you will always get back to the point where the harsh reality makes itself known again. For so long I had been fighting all my battles on my own, trusting no one. Letting someone in, letting myself be loved after spending so many years hearing I wasn’t good enough and I was broken beyond repair made me question everything. It broke his heart discovering bits and pieces of my troubled past, and was crushing when he heard what the future had in store for me. Yongguk’s first reaction was shock, his second was tears and the third one was worry. But then came the most selfless support I had ever encountered. When I was sad he made sure I felt safe and loved, be it spending a day in his arms binge-watching whatever we could think of or putting on Kigurumi while stuffing our faces with my favorite food and snacks. When I was angry he would help get my anger out of my system and find some way to replace the frown with a smile. He would get creative, using everything from a simple piece of paper or even toys to discuss absurd war tactics on how to take down whatever angered me in the first place. It wasn’t just a way for me to verbally get my revenge without actually putting it in place and hurting someone but it also gave me a reason to laugh at the absurdity of how the plan to take down whatever facility or person I was mad at would never work in a billion years without getting caught unless you were Superman. He always stayed positive, he always stayed strong. And though I knew he was holding back the pain from watching me struggle, I always appreciated him for being my strength instead of an extra person to take care of and I made damn sure I repaid him with the same love and support when he needed it. We were each others strengths, we were each others hope.

    This curse of mine used to be a burden I carried on my own, a burden my family decided caused them great pain. And although I understood those reasons I believe that they had no right to complain about the struggles they were facing having to watch me suffer. It more or less felt like they took my pain and suffering and made it all about them. But let me tell you something, you don’t get to sit around and feel sorry for yourself when you happen to know someone who is ill, unless you are actually going to be there with them through every single soul-crushing medical exam and surgery. You don’t get to act as though my illness is such a burden on you solely for the reason that you are sad for me. I admit having to watch someone suffer while not being able to take away their pain is excruciating, but being the bearer of the pain while having to watch your family and friends suffer for you while not being there to support you every step of the way is worse. I would rather suffer alone, keep up the lies I tell everyone and myself that everything is fine. That way I didn’t have to deal with listening to people complain how my curse was so hard on them as if they had an inkling of the hell I was going through. 

    I wished people would stop telling me that WE will deal with things, there is no we. There is me, every day, I was all alone with the occasional phone call or text message which tends to be more about them than about me. I don’t blame them, I fully understand that every single human being has their own battles to fight in life. But don’t try to make yourself feel better by including yourself in something you are not capable of understanding or have the time to try and understand. The curse doesn’t come with a manual, you are forced to learn about it whether you like it or not when it happens to you. The people around you, however, are given a choice whether to be there or remain a potential support when it fits their schedule. Funny enough people tend to get angry that their lacking support isn’t enough for someone who suffers on a daily basis. They assume that since you have lived with it for so long you are used to it and don’t have the right to complain because you should have all the answers by now. 

    It is hard to keep your spirits high, to keep on fighting for a better future when you know deep down in your heart the older you get it is just going to get worse. After fighting for so long you reach a point where it isn’t enough for you to keep going, no matter how many fond memories you have or surrounded by loved ones you are. A life filled with constant pain, doctors appointments, surgeries, medication, reminders while you are awake, reminders while you sleep… If you could honestly say that things would get better, that you were fighting to get well, then you would have the tools to keep your eyes on the prize. But is it really considered a prize when all you have to think about is to keep fighting because you need to prepare yourself for even worse things? For me, it wasn’t, but Yongguk wouldn’t let me give up. He was hell-bent on showing me that my efforts were not in vain, that I could have a better future than what I was being told by every single doctor I have ever met.

    For the longest time, I had lived in fear of dying if I went against any advice that came from my doctors. I gave up on numerous dreams while trying to be thankful that I at least had a roof over my head and was still alive. I limited myself in every single possible way which only fed the anger and the hatred towards God, towards the majority of the human population and my ty luck. But Yongguk wouldn’t have it, he fought me every step of the way. He didn’t want me to limit myself, he didn’t want me to change who I was. He wanted me to seize the day, make the most of life and being as selfish as I deserved without harming the people around me. Yongguk told me to face my fears because according to him fears were just an emotional response that caused us to stop experiencing life to the fullest. And he is right, isn’t he? Looking back at the times where I have been scared of something or someone I wasn’t actually put in any kind of immediate danger where fear would have possibly been the thing that saved my life instead of crippling me. The fear was just an unpleasant feeling that made me avoid things and let myself be controlled by something I was lacking proper knowledge about, that is why you are told to always face your fears head-on. I am not trying to belittle fear, it is a nerve-wracking thing but being free to spend that time to enjoy other things has saved me in more ways than one. 

    And so the journey started. Like any normal couple, we went into a honeymoon phase where we tried to spend as much time together as possible. Going on dates, getting to know each other in a less intoxicated state and just living our days smiling being thankful we met. I am not going to lie, although the honeymoon phase was amazing I put in maximum efforts to not show Yongguk how badly I was hurting or how sick I really was whenever I caught a cold. For quite some time he left me alone thinking I was doing wonders at hiding everything until that one day where I almost walked in front of a car because I was too busy trying to ignore the ache in my body. That was the first time he yelled at me, more out of worry than anything else. After getting me home safely I decided I needed to protect myself better like he was the enemy. So I avoided him. Stupid, I know, but the ghosts from my past decided to mess with my head until I had cut him out of my life completely and it worked, or so I thought. He stopped calling, he stopped texting and just when I thought he had gotten the hint he sat down right next to me in class acting as if nothing had happened. He frustrated the living hell out of me, yet I couldn’t stop myself from feeling all warm inside. He would bring me different herbal teas, he would bring me vitamin supplements, heat packs and you name it, he really thought about everything. At first, I thought he was just being nice, I am allowed to be dense seeing how this is the first time someone decided to not let me push them away. But the truth is in his days of silence he had spent hours reading every single article that could be found about my illness, he wrote down every single helpful thing he could find and decided to silently give me boosters to help my immune system through food and drinks. Yongguk turned into a living, breathing first aid kit designed to fit my every need. 

    Though my trust for him grew by the day I still wasn’t ready to fully let him in, I refused to take him up on every offer of attending my doctors appointments with me. Looking back at things it is rather funny how I wanted nothing more than to have someone share my burden yet when someone was willing to do it I wasn’t ready for it. I guess I was scared that it was too good to be true, that he just like everyone else would attend one and make up excuses for the next ones. I wasn’t ready to let someone in just to have them back out again. Yongguk accepted this, he still kept asking every single time but didn’t pressure me into changing my mind. No, meant no. Having a rare illness means you need to have specialists, where I grew up we didn’t have all the specialists I needed gathered in one hospital. Instead, they were scattered all over the country and I had no choice but to adapt and enjoy the longer travels just to do a simple checkup. It was either that or turn into my very own doctor which at first thought sounds highly amusing but at the same time, I didn’t exactly have my very own hospital in my apartment meaning no medical equipment to even do a simple ECG. Even if I did, the only medical experience I have is from playing doctor as a child and I am not sure that makes me qualified to handle such a rare disease, even when you yourself have to lecture your own regular doctors because they have never heard of it before. 

    The first time I allowed Yongguk to come with me for a checkup it wasn’t as much as me wanting him but more out of necessity because my car broke down and the hospital was an hour away. So in a panic, I had to swallow my pride and let him come along. I was prepared to hear a lecture on how I should have changed the oil weeks ago but instead, he handed me bubble tea and a notebook. Seeing how we had been together for over a year I had gotten to hear songs of his, sometimes I was even lucky enough to hear it while it was unfinished to give my two cents on it. That is why he had brought songs in need of lyrics, even though he was an excellent lyricist himself he found it inspirational to see what came to someone else's mind when hearing his composed tunes. Now was the perfect time to distract me as he was aware of the anxiety that came with every doctor's appointment. That hour drive felt like five minutes and before I knew it we had already gone through the normal routine for the checkup and were seated in front of my doctor, waiting to hear what the results were. But it wasn’t until it was too late that I realized which appointment this was, I had different doctors for different parts of my body and they all had certain parts of their speech whenever I came to visit that stayed exactly the same. For this particular one he always made sure to point out that getting pregnant would be very dangerous, so if I was planning to do so I had to consult  him so he could prepare a team that would become my best buddies for the entire pregnancy in hopes to make sure that both me and the baby came out alive. Yongguk always smiled the brightest when being around children, it wasn’t hard to guess that he was hoping to have a whole soccer team himself. I was so sure I could see his heart breaking into a million pieces having to rethink if it was worth risking my life just to have kids of his own. After leaving the doctor’s office we didn’t talk. I think he was still trying to process what was said and I was too nervous to know what to even say since I have known about the risks of getting pregnant since I was a young girl. Halfway home I couldn’t take it anymore and kept apologizing, ready to break up so he could still have the future he was hoping for but he smiled at me, took my hand and said we would find our way when the time came. Be it by taking the risks of being pregnant and potentially passing on the illness to the child or look into adoptions. This was what he did, for every obstacle he refused to look at things without hope because in his world there were always solutions so long as you were willing to try. 

    Once Yongguk had convinced me that just because doctors have a fancy title it doesn’t mean they would always know best, I was able to not only chase after my dreams but also live more happily again. You are the expert on your own health and as long as you are not putting yourself through a lot of pain and unnecessary risks then you shouldn’t limit yourself just because there are other cases where people have ended up a certain way because they didn’t follow the advice of their doctors. But when you get sick or you are in pain, you are the first to notice it. If you can do it without going through hell because of the choices you make you shouldn’t stay protected in your little bubble out of fear. Yongguk told me that life was meant to be lived, we all die at some point, but would I want to die filled with regrets or rather filled with precious memories that made it all worth it? I chose the latter and that is how he made sure that every single dream, no matter how big or small, came true. 

    Though it may have sounded simple, chasing after my dreams weren’t always the time of our lives. Sometimes things went smoothly, sometimes things were forced to be canceled and sometimes I ended up spending more time in the hospital than in the comfort of our home. My health was as unpredictable as the weather, though the doctors could give me their guesses on what it would look like there would always be a surprise waiting around the corner so we always prepared for the worst. For every phone call, for every medical exam, for every single treatment and even just a simple visit to the pharmacy - he was there. Some days he watched me in amazement as my strength carried me through the battlefield, on days where it had been too much and I could no longer walk he would pick me up and fight for me. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t put himself through when it came to ensuring my happiness, and there was nothing I wouldn’t give in return to ensure that his sacrifices weren’t in vain. We spent every single day together, trying to seize the moment and making the best out of every possible situation. Yongguk isn’t just the love of my life nor is he simply my strength and better half, he is someone I look up to and respect beyond compare. He taught me a lot of things like how to see the positive things during the darkest times, how to not waste time trying to remember what version of me people enjoyed the most but staying true to myself and loving myself for exactly the crazy person I am. He taught me to respect others but not at the cost of disrespecting myself no matter how upset the other person would get for me not trying to please them every second of the day. He taught me to let myself be loved, but also to dare love someone else without suspecting them of having a hidden agenda. Thanks to him I even started paying it forward by doing one good deed at a time in hopes it would be the start of changing the world into a better place. He brought out the best parts of me I didn’t know I had, he made me want to be a better person, a person he deserved. For all his hard work put into making me let go of the past to live in the present, it was time for the both of us to be rewarded. The happier I was, the more my overall health improved and God was finally ready to let me spend more time at home. A surgery later and new medications it turned out the results were the closest thing to a cure I could get.     

    That is how I ended up here. Aimlessly walking down the bright white corridors of a hospital in hopes of finding the way out to finally go home. The corridors seem to repeat and go in circles. Every corner I turn presents yet another bleak passage stretching towards another corner. It is numbingly quiet. No exit signs, no staff to ask for directions. Nothing but the stark and stiff environment that makes you question how people heal instead of going insane by the lack of color in this place. There is nothing wrong with the color white, but in the context of a place of healing rather than putting a smile on your face, it makes you want to close your eyes against the brightness. Suffocating, if you ask me, borderline depressive, sterile and cheerless. Looking into a patient’s room I see the neatly made bed, the curtains neatly tied. I can’t but help to wonder if the patient finally got to go home or if they had moved on to the afterlife and the room was prepared for the next person in need of saving. Had he been by my side Yongguk would have playfully slapped me silly for thinking such dark thoughts. It is what he does, keeps me from swaying too close to the darker side of things. The second I get out of here I am going to be sure and tell him just how much that really means to me, even if the words fall out in an unintelligible mess. 

    The soft sound of someone crying brings me to a halt. I don’t know what compels me to do it, call it curiosity, call it my desire to try once more to treat people as I wish to be treated, kindness if you will, but I know that I need to make this detour before leaving the hospital, hopefully never returning until it is my time to go. I know it is none of my business but sometimes people appreciate the smallest actions of comfort even from strangers. I follow the sound to a room, making sure to knock to announce my presence but receiving no reaction. I see the back of a man, shoulders shaking with heartrending sobs, his head down, lowered over the feminine hand he tightly grasped. Seeing the sheet covering the patients face I can only assume the worst in this situation. How do you comfort someone who just lost a loved one? The harsh truth is that you can’t because the person they want to be comforted by the most cannot be there. The best you can do is be by their side, picking up their pieces until they feel ready to stand up on their own.

    My hand reaches out to his back gently, he jerks as if my touch frightens him. I don’t dare to speak, what would I even say? Instead, we just stay there in awkward silence, our breathing being the only thing to focus on instead of the deafening speechlessness. 
“Please … don’t leave me.”
That voice.
    “Come back.”
    I know that voice, I would recognize it even if a hundred voices were speaking at once. Desperately I grabbed his head trying to make him look at me. He fights me, every step of the way, refusing to let me see the tears falling from his face. Why is he even in this room? He left to prepare for my arrival at home, he has no reason to still be in the hospital, nonetheless by anyone else's side. Was he cheating all this time? Was he just like the rest and kept secrets from me even though we promised to always tell the truth? The anger piled up with every single horrible thought. I don’t know what happened, my hands moved on their own and grabbed the sheet, pulling it off in one swift motion, revealing a familiar scarred body. 

    It was me.

    Yongguk finally looked up. Tears streaming down his face, the color of his eyes slowly changing to a bleak shade of despair as if he was ready to throw in the towel himself. That feeling of hopelessness, not being able to comfort your loved one and replace the look of misery with a smile.. is torturous. Bearing a burden by yourself is tiring, having to watch someone suffer because of your misfortunate fate is heartbreaking. No matter how much I tried wiping the tears away, they kept flowing. Though I shook and hit him, even screamed his name it was like he wouldn’t acknowledge my presence. He wasn’t affected by anything I did. Yongguk got out of his seat, softly planting a kiss on the lifeless body’s forehead before walking towards me. My arms reached out to embrace him, but instead, a chill runs down my spine as Yongguk walks right through me. Reality came crashing in as the remains of his suffering lingered in the room.

    Is this my reward for living my life to the fullest, God? If this is what heaven looks like, you can have it, it’s yours. I’d rather take my chances with the gates of hell opening and devouring me.  

    Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 
                                    - Psalm 37:4