“Jongin. You have to do this.” Sehun pressed him. With a shuddering sob, Jongin buried his head in his hands. “. . . It’s what he would have wanted.”

    “I-I don’t have anything prepared-”

    “Jongin. It doesn't matter, it's the right thing to do. Think of him. Do it for him.” Jongin took in a breath and wiped his eyes.

    For him. Do it for him.

Somehow, he got to his feet. Somehow, he plodded up toward the podium, through tear-stricken friends and family and some people he didn’t know. Jongin’s body was numb as he grasped the microphone, and he gazed into the crowd. The crowd wearing all black that mirrored his own. Slowly, all went silent, and once again, Jongin took a breath.

For him. Do it for him.

    “Kyungsoo,” his voice was already wobbling. Jongin started again. “Kyungsoo was. . . the best thing that-” He looked up at the ceiling, willing the tears to go away. “Kyungsoo was the best thing that happened to me. My best friend, my husband.” Jongin felt the aching hollowness in his chest.

    “I met him my junior year in college.” He gave a wistful smile. “I was a jock on the football team, and his was the biggest nerd. I had this massive crush on him since freshman year, and my plan was to ask him to tutor me.”

 

    “Go! It’s now or never!” Sehun’s hands pushed Jongin out from their hiding spot, the large oak that sat over the front of school’s courtyard. He stumbled forward, freezing up in fear at the sight of him. Him meaning Doh Kyungsoo, his resident crush for two years. Kyungsoo sat innocently on a blanket in the shade of the oak, flipping through their history textbook and taking notes in his notebook. Jongin’s plan was instantly put to fire.

    It was a perfect fall day, the leaves all crisp and drifting to the ground. The slight breeze ruffled Kyungsoo’s dark hair, the sun peeking through leaves to highlight his gorgeous face. God those lips, those eyes, those everything. How could anyone be so beautiful? Kyungsoo looked up in surprise while he put his closed the book. “Jongin?” . How did Sehun convince him to do this? He began to clam up, his breathing becoming harsh.

“Yep! That’s--um--you--nice sweater.” Great. Great job, Jongin. Now he doesn’t think you’re a complete moron. Jongin shoved his hands in his letterman jacket in attempts to try and appear cool.

    Kyungsoo looked down at his old brown pullover. Concealing a smile, he gazed up at the other. “Thanks.” Jongin stood there for a few seconds in awkward silence. Kyungsoo fiddling with his fingers for a minute before murmuring,“So, did you want to talk to me-”

    “Uh, yeah!” Jongin immediately knew he answered too quickly. He might as well have just written on his forehead ‘I LOVE YOU <333 ACCEPT ME PLEASE’ with Sharpie. Jongin eyed the empty spot on the blanket next to Kyungsoo, who picked up on it and asked him if he wanted to sit down. The taller plopped down, pretending not to hear Sehun’s quiet laughter from behind the tree. If Jongin could strangle Sehun, he would have.

    “Did you hear something?” Kyungsoo asked, looking around.

    “Nope! It could just have been a bird or something.” The latter nodded, though a bit hesitant. Jongin cleared his throat, drawing Kyungsoo’s attention. “I was wondering if you’d ah. . . tutor me.”

    Kyungsoo bit his lip, feigning thought. The other was too busy trying not to look constipated to notice. “Jongin,” he started. “Sorry, I’m booked with a lot of kids at the moment. Midterms are coming up, too, so. . .” Kyungsoo felt slightly bad after he said the words, seeing the reaction on Jongin’s face. The boy didn’t notice the small smile on his crush’s lips.

For Jongin, his world was tearing away. This was not how it was supposed to go. ABORT ABORT- the next thing he knew, Sehun appeared out of nowhere, helping the stunned boy to his feet, saying something about football practice starting soon. Kyungsoo watched as Jongin was dragged away by the orange-haired boy, Jongin whispering  into the other’s ear.

 

“It wasn’t supposed to go this way, Sehun,” Jongin mumbled. His best friend nodded while opening the room to their dorm.

“I know, bud. I know.” Once Jongin was situated on his own bed, Sehun patted him on the back. “You didn’t do as bad as I thought, though. Worst case scenario, you could’ve your pants.” Jongin muttered something incoherent. “Hey, bro, stay with me.” Sehun lightly slapped Jongin’s cheek. “He was leading you on, man. That means he likes you.”

“Huh?” Jongin’s eyes came into focus.

“Yeah! Did you miss that smirk he gave you? It was so obvious, Jongin. It’s called playing hard to get.” Sehun patted his head. “He wants you to pursue him. All hope is not lost!” He clapped his hands and grinned mischievously. “In fact, it’s growing.”

Jongin fell back on the bed, eyebrows furrowed. “You really think so? Because if you’re wrong, Sehun-”

“Don’t worry about it. Ya wingman Sehun is on the case.”

 

 

“ ‘Playing hard to get,’ was what Sehun had told me.” Jongin laughed. He looked around the mourners, picking out Sehun the crowd. His eyes were puffy, but he was still grinning. “Thank you, Sehun.”

 

A day later, Sehun burst into their dorm room, shouting that he had a plan. Jongin stood up from his bed, his fingers tingling. “Tell me!” Sehun flung his backpack on his bed before elaborating.

“I thought of your situation all class. Picture this.” He held up his hands to make a frame. “It’s lunch. Everyone’s talking with each other, and you walk up to Kyungsoo and his buddies. You say, ‘Hey Kyungsoo! I was wondering if you’d reconsider tutoring me!’ It’s a revolutionary concept if you think about it.”

“I love it.” Jongin could see all of it coming together. “I’m so glad I have your genius mind.”

“He’ll be in front of a crowd, so he’ll have to say yes - peer pressure and all that.” Sehun crossed his arms, looking pretty proud of himself. “It’s a foolproof plan.”

“I could see it. . . but what if he really doesn’t even like me?”

“Everyone loves you,bud. You’ll do great.”

 

The lunch room was buzzing, but Jongin was not paying attention. He was focused on the lines he had been rehearsing since last night. He and Sehun sat with the football team at the usual spot, the team being his personal hype men.

“You can do it, man!”

“Try and work on the y wink-no, no not like that.”

“Just be yourself! At least that’s what my Mom said.”

“Jongin, remember to really pout those lips - those are your moneymakers. And don’t look at your shoes when you talk.” Sehun slapped his friend on the shoulder. “Go make me proud.” Jongin nodded and looked across the room to where Kyungsoo was laughing with his friends. The room seemed to stretch for miles, and his gaze zeroed on Kyungsoo’s face. No time for sweating or voice cracks now. Slowly, Jongin got up from the table and began walking to impendable doom. He could already hear the questions.

‘Why is one of the football players walking towards those nerds?’

‘Is Jongin going to ask one of them out?

‘His fly is open.’ The last one made Jongin look down and someone laughed to his right.

As soon as he neared Kyungsoo, his friends jerked their chins up to alert him. Oh . His crush turned around, eyes narrowing when he registered who is was. “Hi, Jongin,” Kyungsoo said slyly.

“Hi Kyungsoo.” The taller coughed. What were the lines again? Ah, yes, the greeting, right. “Hi Kyungsoo.”  YOU ALREADY SAID THAT YOU IDIOT - Kyungsoo’s friends snickered, lowering Jongin’s confidence more than where it already was. “I was wondering if you’d - you’d like to tutor me! I know you said you were busy, but maybe you, uh, could reconsider?” Kyungsoo cocked a brow. Jongin only sweated heavier. Was it just him or did the whole cafeteria fall silent?

“I know this may seem hard for you, Jongin, but I mean it when I say that I’m too busy tutor you.”  

Jongin was internally crying. He felt like he was one of those contestants on The Bachelor and he wasn’t given a rose - despairing and disappointed.

“O-okay.”

‘Oooh’s’ filled Jongin’s ears, and Kyungsoo’s friend, Minsok or something like, that muffled his giggle. The whole room had stifled laughter, and Jongin had never felt more humiliated in his life. While he was plodding back to his table, he could see Sehun’s eyes soften with an apology. Dammit, the whole team looked sorry for him.

 

Jongin laughed into the microphone. “It took me two more times of asking for him to agree to tutor me. And even then, he was hesitant.” Mrs. Doh chuckled into a tissue as she wiped her eyes. “Our very first session, he said-”

 

“Stop staring at me, Jongin!” Jongin didn’t miss the blush creeping up Kyungsoo’s face, to which he tried to hide discreetly with his sleeves. Awww. He had to say, a flustered Kyungsoo was a cute Kyungsoo. He was especially adorable when he widened his round eyes and bit his lip, Jongin thought dreamily. Thought dreamily until he realized that he was still staring at him. He quickly looked away and shifted his gaze around the study corner they were in.

“Let’s start with algebra,” Kyungsoo said and pulled out the algebra from his backpack. While he was busy, Jongin shot a fast glance behind the other to where Sehun was stationed. To anyone ordinarily in the library, the orange-haired boy would have just looked like a guy who was looking through some books, which was exactly the plan. He put a questioning thumbs-up, to which he replied with a slight nod. Pretending to scratch his back, Jongin looked right to see Chanyeol do the same. He nodded again, and Chanyeol grinned, going back to perusing the shelves. Jongin eyed Kyungsoo who was opening to the page of their homework. He noticed that he had several birthmarks on his neck. Was it weird that he wanted to kiss them?

“Jongin!” Kyungsoo’s lips were set in a thin line, and he was having a hard time keeping the eye contact. His ears were blooming with a soft pink. Jongin’s eyes darted back up to his, startled. “What are you doing?!”

“Looking at you?” Jongin blurted the first thing that came to mind. Kyungsoo ducked his head, his face flaming.

“Well, don’t! Stop it!”

“. . . sorry.”

 

The tutoring session was ended once Kyungsoo didn’t know how many more times he could blush. It was probably an hour and a half long - an hour and a half long of Kyungsoo trying to teach Jongin the material and Jongin not retaining any of it. Putting on his coat, Jongin saw waving arms in his vision. It was Chanyeol. He motioned with his two fingers a walking motion and then pointed to Kyungsoo who was zipping up his bag. Jongin widened his eyes in uncertainty. Chanyeol mouthed something incoherent, then again. It was the fourth time when Jongin understood it. ‘Walk him to his dorm?’ He mouthed back. Chanyeol nodded eagerly then pointed to Kyungsoo.

“H-hey Kyungsoo.” He turned around. “Could I walk you to your dorm?” The boy finished putting on his backpack and threw on is scarf. “You don’t have to, Jongin. I can walk by myself.” He seemed nervous.

“But it’s dark out. Safety in numbers, right?” Jongin gestured to the window where it was almost pitch black. Kyungsoo, figuring that the other wouldn't quit, agreed quietly. The taller opened the door for Kyungsoo, hearing a quiet ‘thank you’.

“So, what’s your major?” Jongin tried to make conversation while they strolled in the night. Kyungsoo had his face covered by his scarf, the tips of his ears visible.

“I’m majoring in english and minoring in physics.” He glanced up at Jongin. “You?”

“Ah, I don’t know yet. I’m actually thinking something with dance.” Jongin could tell Kyungsoo was surprised, but he didn’t say anything. The rest of the walk was silent.

When Kyungsoo saw his dorm, he turned to Jongin. “Thanks for, uh, walking me home,” he muttered and darted as quickly as possible into the building.

Jongin considered it a success in his books.

 

 

“Over those sessions every Tuesday and Thursday, I think that was the time when he started to soften up.” Jongin’s voice was now stable, his fingers having stopped shaking.

 

“So if you add all these up, you get 86.” Kyungsoo pointed with his pencil at the paper. He looked up to see Jongin staring at him again, but he was so used to it that he just said “understand?” The other glanced at the equations and nodded. “Really? Then do this next one.” . Kyungsoo saw his expression and laughed. Jongin thought that his laugh sounded like velvet and warm honey.

Kyungsoo playfully scolded him. “Jongin, you have to pay attention next time.” And without warning, he ruffled Jongin’s hair in a teasing manner. Every nerve of his body zeroed in on the soothing sensation. Jongin almost purred, it felt so good. He had to hold himself back from leaning into his touch. Kyungsoo realized what he was doing and quickly retracted his hand, the tips of his ears turning pink.

Jongin had never wanted to kiss anyone more in that moment.

Kyungsoo awkwardly coughed, breaking the tension. He looked down at the book, red blooming on his face and neck. “We-we should pack up.” The windows were dark, and the librarian was starting to collect her things. Jongin didn’t realize how much they lost track of time.

Walking Kyungsoo home was a thing Jongin did every tutoring session, but tonight was quiet. They reached Kyungsoo’s dorm, and instead of the usual ‘goodbye’ and ‘good night’, the smaller sped away without a word, leaving Jongin to wonder if he did something wrong.

 

“He just ran away, like nothing ever happened!” Sehun hummed in reply. The two were sitting on Jongin’s bed with half the football team in their room. He finished telling the boys of what happened earlier that night, and there was a collective response of confusion. Suho knitted his brows.

“He didn’t say anything?”

“Bruh, he just said that!” Chanyeol elbowed him in the shoulder.

“I’m just trying to make sense of things!”

Jongin jumped up from the bed spread and began pacing. “He just ruffled my hair, then blushed. . . ?” Sehun his non-existing beard, then his finger slowly rose into the hair. All attention was to the carrot top.

“I say play it safe.” He started to nod. “Yeah, wait until the next session, and when you walk him home, ask him if you can kiss him!” All the boys murmured in agreement. “Consent is always y.”

 

“I was so nervous,” Jongin exclaimed. “It was my first kiss, so I didn’t want to mess it up.” He unconsciously twisted the gold ring on his left hand. “Kyungsoo avoided me everyday until our next session. I was so worried he didn’t feel the same way about me that I felt towards him.”

 

Kyungsoo didn’t meet his eyes as Jongin pulled out a chair at their study table.

This set the vibe for the course of the hour and a half they shared. Kyungsoo didn’t exactly seem mad, seeing the flush on his tan cheeks everytime the two made eye contact between the breaks of equations. Jongin didn’t know quite what to do except repeat his friends words in his head. ‘Kyungsoo - can I kiss you’? Or ‘can I kiss you, Kyungsoo’? By the beginning of their walk to his dorm, Jongin was still conflicted. What would happen if he said no? How would Jongin live with himself? He was darting glances at Kyungsoo when it was nearing time to Jongin’s speech. He planned it so that when they got to the place where Kyungsoo ran off to his dorm by himself, Jongin would stop him and ask the heavy question.

Jongin counted the steps til D-Day. Twenty steps, fifteen, five, one step. Kyungsoo was just about to bid the other good night, when Jongin made his move.

“Kyungsoo.” The smaller stopped in his tracks and looked at Jongin with his large brown eyes, biting his lip. Step 1 complete. Jongin took a step closer until their faces were only inches apart. Kyungsoo smelled nicely of a mixture of fresh laundry and the midnight air. Step 2 complete.

“Can I kiss you?” Jongin gave enough time for Kyungsoo to reject him, to run away screaming bloody murder. The words hung thickly in the cool night air. But Kyungsoo never did, and instead grabbed Jongin’s collar of his jacket. He bit his lip hesitantly before smashing their lips together. Step - the steps.

Jongin thought he knew what is was like to feel pure happiness, but oh was he wrong. Electricity coursed through his veins as his lips moved in unison with Kyungsoo’s. His heart felt like it could burst out of his chest and flop onto the pavement. The passionate makeout slowly dialed down to a sweeter, more romantic kiss under the street lamps. Jongin’s arms encircled Kyungsoo waist while he felt smaller arms come up to wrap themselves around his neck. He could stay like this forever, tangled in Kyungsoo. Jongin felt the other boy smile on his lips, and he couldn’t help but do the same.

They broke apart, their foreheads resting against the other’s for a quick second before Jongin teasingly captured Kyungsoo’s lips in another kiss.

 

“Things only escalated from there.” Jongin smiled at his shoes. “He agreed to be my boyfriend a few days later. Our relationship was loving and stable throughout the last two years of college. We had our bumps, but we got over them together. After college, we decided to move in together at the tender ages of 22, despite the disapproval of my coming out from my mom. We both got jobs. He as a part-time sub at a daycare, and I was a dance instructor at a studio.”

 

Jongin could hear the apartment door open and close with moan and jangling of keys. “Soo?” A few seconds later, Kyungsoo emerged from the entrance. His lips were molded into a scowl, his fingers clenching his bag so hard that they were pale. Jongin stood up from the couch and padded across the carpet to hug his boyfriend. “Hard day?” Kyungsoo mumbled a string of incoherent words and wrapped his arms loosely around Jongin in a boneless hug. “I’m here, okay? I’ve got you.” The taller rubbed into Kyungsoo’s back.

“I just want to watch a movie tonight,” Kyungsoo said into his boyfriend’s shoulder. “Is that okay?” Jongin hummed a “yes” and pulled the other’s coat and bag away from him and set it on the ground, guiding him across the hall to their room to put on some pajamas. They emerged with Kyungsoo in one of Jongin’s shirts and the other had flannel pants with a sweatshirt.

Once they were comfy on the sofa with blankets and popcorn, Kyungsoo maneuvered his body between Jongin’s legs, his head resting on his boyfriend’s stomach. The taller laced his fingers into Kyungsoo’s hair and began to absentmindedly coil the strands. He scrolled through the options on Netflix before deciding on a rom-com with a decent rating.

Half way through the movie, Jongin stopped watching the main lead lean in for a kiss under a sunset, and instead watched Kyungsoo. In the darkness, the light from the television illuminated the planes of his face. Even years later, he still made Jongin’s heart act the same as it did when Jongin laid eyes on him for the very first time. Kyungsoo laughed at something from the romcom, and Jongin’s heart did flips. How did I get so lucky?

“Soo, you know I love you, right?” Jongin asked. Kyungsoo tore his eyes from the tv, biting his lip.

“Yeah.” He blushed deeply.“I love you too, Jongin.” Frustrated that he didn’t get his point across, Jongin ran his hands through his hair.

“No, but like, I really love you. A lot. So much that I forget to tell you sometimes. . .” Kyungsoo smiled.

“I understand, Jongin. And I really love you, too. I’ll always love you.”

The movie became background noise as Kyungsoo pressed his lips to Jongin’s in a tender kiss, his hands cupping the other’s face delicately.  Jongin gently on Kyungsoo’s bottom lip, causing Kyungsoo to in his mouth. The kiss turned heated fast, and Jongin hoisted his boyfriend into his arms.

“Bed,” Kyungsoo said breathlessly against Jongin’s lips. Kyungsoo clenched his thighs around Jongin’s waist as he lifted him up and started to walk to their room, their mouths moving in unison all the while.

All was great until Kyungsoo smacked his head on the bedroom door frame, crying out in surprise. The y tension was immediatly dropped. Jongin kissed his head in apology, whispering a ‘sorry’ over Kyungsoo’s grumbling. Jongin blindly closed the bedroom door, murmuring ‘I love you’ repeatedly into Kyungsoo’s ear.

    

 

“On our fifth anniversary, I wanted to propose to him. Three days before our anniversary, I snuck off to the jewelry store and got him a ring with all the money I had secretly saved in my sock drawer. On the day of, since we couldn’t afford a fancy place to eat, we ordered takeout and had it at our apartment. The ring was stored in my pocket the entire time, and I was sweating so much that Kyungsoo asked if I was sick.”

 

    “Jongin - are you sweating?” Kyungsoo noticed a shiny sheen on Jongin’s forehead. His hand planted itself on Jongin’s face, patting fervently. “Are you sick?”

    “Soo,” the other whined, and pushed his hands away. “Don’t focus on me! Uh, focus on how great the food is!” He tried to sell his point by stuffing a large spoonful of curry into his mouth. “Mmmm!” The food seemed to stare at him. Kyungsoo narrowed his eyes in concern and huffed.

    “Jongin, if you’re sick-”

    “Soo! I’m not sick! He looked at the floor. “You know, Soo,” Jongin began, opening the fridge to put the leftovers away. “Well, uh, we’ve been together for five years now?” His boyfriend hummed a yes. “Uh, so we love each other a lot. Like a lot a lot.” Kyungsoo plopped down on the couch with his laptop.

    “Yes….?”

    “Like spend our future together forever a lot.” Jongin made his way over to the other, trying not to fiddle with the ring box in his pocket. He could see the Kyunsoo’s gears working in his mind. Go! It’s now or never! Jongin kneeled in front of Kyungsoo, who had his hands over his mouth in realization. The ring box was taken out of his pocket and he opened the lid.

    “Kyungsoo, will you marry me?”

    Silence. Say yes say yes say yes….

    “I-Jongin-I’m sorry but. . .”

    Jongin’s smile dropped just like his heart.

    “I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Yes!” He threw his laptop next to him before he flung his arms around his now fiance, peppering his head with kisses. Jongin squeezed Kyungsoo with all his being, tears leaking down his face and onto his shirt.

    “Don’t scare me like that! Please don’t scare me like that ever again!” Jongin cried, and Kyungsoo comforted him with a small kiss to the nose. The taller took the ring out of the box and slipped it onto  Kyungsoo’s ring finger.

    “Do you like it? Sorry I didn’t have enough money to get like a fancy jewel or someth-” Kyungsoo silenced him with a peck on the lips. Kyungsoo pulled away, his grin lighting up his entire face.

    “I love it, Jongin. Thank you.”

    

 

    “We had a simple wedding, but it was beautiful. Roses and streamers and black tuxes and everything. Only our close friends and family were invited.” Jongin smiled with tears welling in his eyes. “It was the happiest day of my life.”

 

    “Aw, Soo, I was expecting you to wear a dress,” Jongin whispered with a grin once Kyungsoo was settled with him. He grabbed his soon-to-be-husband’s hands and held them tightly, beaming down at Kyungsoo who was glaring menacingly, but Jongin knew it was just covering the nerves.

    The priest began to talk. “We gather here to unite these two people in marriage-” Jongin should have probably been listening, but he ignored that and the eyes that were watching from the audience. “You look amazing, Soo.” Kyungsoo’s eyes softened, and pink tinged his cheeks.

    But it was true. His hair was brushed to the side, looking so soft that Jongin urged to run his hands through it. Kyungsoo’s lips were in a small smile, his eyes shining. The suit he wore was tailored perfectly by Kyungsoo’s mother, and the gardenia in his pocket complimented the gardenia in his own. Jongin wanted to kiss every inch of his beautiful Kyungsoo right now.

    “Do you, Doh Kyungsoo, take this man, Kim Jongin, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to care for him in sickness and in health, to love each other tomorrow and all the remaining the days until eternity and more?” Kyungsoo looked into Jongin’s eyes.

    “I do.”

    Jongin took the ring from his pocket and slipped it on his lover’s finger. “With this hand I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never be empty, for I will be your wine. With this ring, I ask you to be mine.” The priest now looked to him.

    “And do you, Kim Jongin, take this man, Doh Kyungsoo, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to care for him in sick and in health, to love each other tomorrow and all the remaining days until eternity and more?”

    As the priest finished saying his line, Jongin thought for a minute. Did he want to spend every day and every minute and every second with this man?

Jongin was brought back to that fall day his Junior year in college. When younger Jongin asked younger Kyungsoo if he would tutor him, Jongin would have been stoked to see that his future self marries Kyungsoo. Was he in the right place? Gazing into Kyungsoo’s dancing eyes, he thought yes. Yes, I am.

    “I do.”

    Kyungsoo gripped the ring before putting it on Jongin’s finger. “With this hand, I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never be empty, for I will be your wine. With this ring, I ask you to be mine.” The priest smiled warmly at both of them.

    “If you wish to seal this marriage with a kiss, you may now do so.”

    Jongin grinned, swooping down to steal a kiss with his now husband. Kyungsoo’s lips were so soft, and he tasted so sweet. It was short, a longer and more passionate makeout planned for the night. The crowd cheered and threw flower petals at them as they pulled apart and walked down the aisle, hand in hand.

 

 

“We were still living in our apartment, but were saving up for a house after the wedding. We had made it a tradition to bike to the park and have a picnic of sorts every weekend.”

 

    “Kyungsoo, you’re just as fast as my grandad!” Jongin yelled from the front door. Gripping his bike in his hand and his food in the other, he wondered why his husband was taking so long. Ha, husband. His husband. Jongin liked the sound of that.

    Kyungsoo appeared from the kitchen with a thermos, grumbling about annoying bears. “I had to get the drinks, stupid.” He stood on his toes and pecked Jongin’s cheek.

    

    

The air was filled with the sounds of the wind whistling and soft bites of food. Jongin had his head on Kyungsoo’s legs while chewing on his sandwich and occasionally sipping from his lemonade. Whenever his husband’s hand would come down and grab his own drink, Jongin would try to kiss his hand, causing Kyungsoo to swat halfheartedly at him with a small mile.

    “Whatcha thinkin’ about?” Jongin asked. Kyungsoo hummed in thought.

    “Well, what would turtles look like without a shell?”

    “Ew!” Jongin stuck his tongue out in disgust. “That’s nasty. How could you think of something like that?” Kyungsoo snorted and sprinkled clumps of grass on blanket.

    “You asked me!” He paused when he noticed that Jongin was staring at him. “Jongin?” He had that weird look in his eyes. “Do I have something on my face?”  Jongin began to move his head up, closer to Kyungsoo, who was craning his neck back, looking at him like he just watched a tiny human snatch all his food and run away.

    The taller lowered his voice and gave his best sultry eyes. “Have I ever told you how tempting you are?” Red colored Kyungsoo’s cheeks.

    “Jongin!” The smaller squeaked and looked around. “We’re in a public place!” He didn’t remember how Jongin’s hands s around his waist, and he definitely didn’t remember how Jongin was now hovering above him over the blanket.

    Tiny kisses littered their way up Kyungsoo’s skin from his stomach, giggles erupting out of him. When Jongin’s mouth reached his own, Kyungsoo was full on laughing.          

    “Stahp ruining the moment, Soo.” The taller grunted against his mouth. Kyungsoo laughed even more while he tried to squirm away from Jongin, who caged him in with his arms. “Babyyyyyyyy.” Jongin was whining now. “Let me kiss youuuuuu.” Kyungsoo thought this was hilarious and clutched his aching stomach. Jongin was leaning in closer and closer-

    Kyungsoo darted down and out beneath Jongin through his legs, diving for the far side of the blanket. The other whipped around, his eyes dark. He lowered his head, coiling his body into a tight ball on the blanket. Oh. Kyungsoo waited a minute, expecting Jongin to pop up and start to chase him, but he remained unmoving. Is - is he okay? “Jongin?” He called out uncertainty. No response. Slowly, he crawled toward the still ball and was going to poke at it-

    Jongin popped open like a popcorn kernel in a microwave, latching onto Kyungsoo and flipping him to the ground. “Jongin!” Kyungsoo shrieked. Jongin wasted no time and laid fat kisses on Kyungsoo’s neck, face, and lips, with the occasional bite. After he was satisfied, he collapsed himself on his husband, clutching him like a koala. “Oofheavysackofrocks.” Kyungsoo’s had a hard time breathing. Jongin grinned as he squeezed him harder.

    “Hehehe. Mine.”

 

    “Kyungsoo,” Jongin took in a breath. “Kyungsoo began having these. . . headaches.” The reality was starting to slowly creep in. “He had been having them for a while, but he never told me. Not until that one Saturday.”

 

    “Soo!” Jongin peeked in their bedroom. He was expecting his husband to be ready, but instead Kyungsoo was still in his pajamas, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Hey, baby,” Jongin said with knitted brows, and walked over to where the other was. “Why aren’t you ready? I heard from the weather man that it's going to be a beautiful day today.”

    Kyungsoo looked at him with clouded eyes. This stopped Jongin instantly, and he immediately sat down, pulling his husband into his arms. “Love, what’s wrong?”

    “Just have a headache, that’s all.” He exhaled, wincing slightly. “I don’t know if I can go today, Jongin. I’m sorry-”

    “No! Don’t be sorry!” Jongin lightly pressed his lips to Kyungsoo’s head. “If you’re not feeling well, then I should take care of you.” Kyungsoo tried to reason with him.

    “That doesn’t mean you can’t go! Go to the park without me - you did say the weather man had said that it's going to be a nice day -” His husband silenced him with a sudden kiss. When they pulled apart, Kyungsoo could read full ‘I need to take care of my baby’ mode, and his voice dropped to a whisper. “But you should enjoy the outdoors and-”

    “No! I’m staying here!”

    “No, you’re not.”

Jongin grinned and looked at him fondly. “Have I ever told you how cute you are?” A pillow smacked him in the face.

 

“The headaches got worse, and more frequent. It had used to be once every week or so, but now it was almost everyday. Sometimes he couldn’t even get out of bed, it was so bad. He blamed it on the stress from work. Two months of this, and I woke up to him vomiting in the toilet during the night.”

 

The sound of retching and sobs made Jongin bolt out of bed. Disoriented, he looked around and found light escaping through the cracks of the bathroom door. Another wave of vomiting sent Jongin scrambling out of the covers and throwing the door open. “Kyungs-”

He was hunched over the toilet, violent shakes racked his body. His fingers gripped the rim, stark white against the dark liquid dribbling from his mouth. Dried tear lines streaked his cheeks with new ones beginning to form in his eyes. Spots dotted his shirt and chin. Kyungsoo reluctantly turned his head to see Jongin, and both their hearts broke. Jongin saw something red and crusted on his husband’s lip. Blood.

He rushed toward Kyungsoo with a cry, kneeling to pull him in his arms. Kyungsoo sobbed harder and tried to hide face, pushing Jongin away. Jongin in response tugged him closer and held him tighter.

“You-you can’t-“ Kyungsoo hiccuped. “Can’t see me like this.” Jongin’s heart fractured. Inside the toilet, to his horror, was completely crimson with blood.

“I’m taking you to the hospital, baby.” He croaked. Jongin slowly stood up, coaxing Kyungsoo out of his fetal position.

His spouse only shook his head in Jongin’s chest, clinging to him like his life source. “Don’t nee-need the doctor-”

“Kyungsoo! I woke up to you vomiting up blood!” Tears welled up in Jongin’s eyes, his voice turning steely. “We’re going to the hospital right now.”

 

 

 

Kyungsoo threw up two more times during the car ride to the hospital. Red staining his shirt, he was carried to the emergency sector by Jongin. After the taller quickly explained the situation to the woman behind the counter nervously eyeing Kyungsoo, the smaller grabbed at Jongin’s coat. His eyelids fluttered just as doctors poured in through the doors.

Kyungsoo was put on a stretcher, an air mask strapped to his face.

“What’s going to happen to him?” No one answered him. Just before they wheeled him out of the room, Kyungsoo cried out to Jongin who was right by his side. “Don’t le-leave me. . .” Kyungsoo passed out while he was wheeled out of the room. Jongin tried to follow them but a doctor had to hold him back.

“Sir, this is an unauthorized area.” He wanted to scream.

“But what’s going to happen to him?!” The doctor closed the doors before she could answer him.

 

Many minutes or hours later, a doctor finally came up to him in the waiting area. Jongin was wide awake, elbows on his knees, fingers trembling. “Are you his brother or friend?”

“I’m his husband.” The doctor nodded hesitantly, lingering a little too long. Jongin’s anxiety spiked dangerously. “What is it?!” It was like it was in a movie, the getting nearer with every passing moment. Or maybe this was the . Jongin was nervous enough to entertain the possibility. The air was heavy.

“Well, Kyungsoo-”

 

“Brain tumor.” Jongin said. His body felt so empty but so filled at the same time. Why does my breathing seem so loud? “Kyungsoo had a brain tumor. Oligodendroglioma, anaplastic grade three. ” He whispered the last sentences. Tears fell onto the podium.

 

The doctor sat Jongin down in Kyungsoo’s hospital room. Kyungsoo was conscious on the bed, but he looked like he could fall asleep any moment. His face was a little less pale, and the blood at his lips was gone. Jongin ran to him, leaning over the railing to bury his face into his husband’s neck. Sobs echoed throughout the room.

Two hands came up and rested on his head and shoulder, drawing little circles. “It’s okay, Jongin.” Kyungsoo’s voice was small. “It’s okay.” He could feel his neck become wet, but he didn’t say anything.

Jongin shook his head fervently, letting himself be held.

The doctor met Kyungsoo’s gaze. “Would you allow me to say the survival rates and treatments?” Kyungsoo nodded while Jongin stilled against his neck. The man looked down at his board. “Kyungsoo has an oligodendroglioma tumor about the size of a golf ball in his frontal lobe, and shows symptoms  of moving to the parietal lobe.” He paused. “Oligodendroglioma tumors are from the oligodendrocytes of the brain or from the glial precursor cell. Since it is grade three, the survival rate is 29%.” Kyungsoo and Jongin in a sharp breath.

“You, Kyungsoo, can undergo chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation therapy. While these are the best options at the moment, they could not be the best options for you. There would have would be very aggressive chemotherapy and radiation therapy, if you choose to take it.” Kyungsoo squeezed his husband tighter and closed his eyes. “There are occurrences where the patients of grade three or worse should not wish to undergo any of the treatment options, and rather be taken care for in hospice.”

He held up an a grainy picture of a human brain. “This is a scan of Kyungsoo’s brain,” he said and pointed to the obvious discolored area. “This is the tumor. Surgery would remove a good portion of this, but a con of oligodendrogliomas are that they easily come back. Radiation therapy and chemotherapy would remove a large chunk of it, but at this grade, not all of it can be extracted. But there are cases where any of the options don’t work, and symptoms would only progress. Any of the treatments would only prolong the progression of the tumor.” Death. He meant death.

“And, what of - how much time do I have left?” Kyungsoo whispered. The doctor reluctantly glanced down at his papers. Why did he look hesitant?

“With treatment, I would give it about one to two years.” Kyungsoo finally allowed his tears to gush out, his sobs coming out in rapid bursts. Jongin let the other grab his coat and cover his face in it while he held him close.

 

    “Kyungsoo chose to do all of it. The chemotherapy, the radiation therapy, and the surgery. The surgery went okay, but a month later, the tumor returned with full force, and it kept getting worse. He had so many mood swings. Some days, Kyung - Kyungsoo had a hard time remembering where he was, or where the cups and bowls were. He had seizures. He had headaches so bad that sometimes he screamed. We were in and out of the hospital all the time.” Pools of tears splattered the podium, and Jongin could hear people in the audience sniffling.

   “Kyungsoo died on November 18, 2017, at 3:56 in the morning.”

    

 

Jongin woke up to screaming. He bolted up in his chair by Kyungsoo’s hospital bed, looking around frantically. The screaming turned out to be the heart rate monitor. Jongin’s heart froze as he saw the bright green line fall flat, as he saw that Kyungsoo’s chest was still. His breath caught in his throat as all the emotions crashed down on him. Everything was white noise and numb as nurses and doctors rushed in.

    They crowded around his husband’s body, and he could see how pale and waxy Kyungsoo looked. Why was he like this? A long nurse slowly walked over to him and tried to shake him. His unseeing eyes couldn’t focus, couldn’t comprend what was going on. Jongin saw a nurse unhook the life support from Kyungsoo.

    “What-what are you doing?” Jongin attempted to stand up, but the nurse held him back. The tears then cascaded down.

    “I’m-I’m sorry, sir. I’m so sorry.”

    

 

Jongin finished saying the last word of his retellings. The room went quiet. His heart was quiet.

I’m sorry Kyungsoo. I’m sorry I didn’t notice when you were first sick. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to tutor me sooner, so we would have had more time together. I just wish we had. . .more time. Together.

I love you.