A/N:Sooooo... this is from my tumblr account and so i thought I'd share it with the lovely people here. Enjoy?

~Khazumi

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‘Stone Cold’

 

‘Stone cold, stone cold.’

That’s how my feet felt, standing on the splashing shore, soaked and wet in the early evening waters.

Clearly, I did not want to even be in the same place as you, not right now. Not when my heart still bled for you and your warmth, and touch… and love.

 

‘You see me standing…’

Our eyes locked gazes. You were standing some distance from me, arm wrapped around her waist, heart wrapped around her finger. Seems the photo-shoot was wrapping up if you had time to give me your attention.

 

‘But I’m dying on the floor…’

I lost a life earlier, I’m sure of it, standing on the white-tiled floor while you walked the red carpet isle, confirming my fears- that this was real.

 

‘Stone Cold, Stone Cold’

You paced toward me, my eyes widening at the sight of you nearing. Suddenly, I felt a warm weight draped over my shoulders, and the sound of slippers being dropped beside me on the dampened sand.

“You’ll catch a cold. Be careful.” You warned, ruffling my air playfully… sadly… like it would be the last time.

 

‘God knows I tried to feel…’

My mind goes back to your simple actions mere seconds ago. How could I change my feelings for you? How do you expect me to move on when you still do these things… these loving gestures that cause my heart to do flips? Do you still care? Even if it’s just a bit?

 

‘God knows I tried to feel… Happy for you.’

Trust me when I say that the tears I shed earlier were not all bitter. I promise, some of those were tears of joy. Happy for your new step in life. Happy for you because you were able to move forward, closer to fulfilling all your dreams.

Dreams that I wish I were a part of.

---

 

‘Know that I am… Even if…’

“I can’t Understand.” I whispered to your slowly retreating form, the one that was returning to her side.

“What was that?”

‘Oh.’ You heard me. You walked back toward me, grasped my wrist and coaxed me to meet your eyes, to look into them, those questioning, kind eyes that I adored, and frankly still do. My tears spilled out again. I couldn’t help it… because-

“I can’t understand. I don’t understand.” I told you, wincing at the crack in my own voice.

It seems as if you understood. It looked like you knew, you knew what I meant; your jaw slacked and eyes wide and all that.

 

“I’ll take the pain…” I murmured, whimpered. “Just tell me the truth…”

“I… I can’t.”

There.

I saw the pain. The hurt. The love in your eyes. By me, for me. They spoke the truth your lips could never utter.

“Why? Why not?” I asked, trying to break from your grip, as if your touch burned me. “You worried for me? That I’ll be hurt? Break?”

I already am, but I wouldn’t dare tell you that.

“Yes, Yes!” You replied strongly. We were fortunate enough to be far enough from the rest of the group, that and it was getting darker. Thus, we were less noticeable. “Yes…” You repeated, softer this time.

I took your trembling hand and placed it over my heart, and I managed to smile at you though it hurt like hell.

 

“Me and my heart…” I made sure you felt it beating beneath your palm. “We will make it through.” I said this as a half-truth, as a half-lie. Because honestly, I wasn’t sure. I was never sure when it came to you.

‘Do you still love me?’ I held my tongue despite wanting to ask. I couldn’t ask. I shouldn’t ask. I could not break your carefully crafted present and future. So I simply said…

 

“If happy is her…” I released your hand to cup your face with both of mine, bringing you down to my eye level, the windows to my soul communicating pain, regret, sorrow, and love. Even though it crushed my heart to bits and pieces, I forced the words, the LIE out. “Then I’m happy for you.”

---

WE finally finished the photos and headed to the next event hall where all the guests awaited. Where all YOUR guests awaited.

At the announcer’s call, you stood up, her hand in yours as you both strode onto the center of the floor.

 

‘You’re dancing with her.’

I thought I could bear it, but I was wrong. Not this sight of you and her.

 

‘While I’m staring at my phone.’

My hand hovered over the ‘OK’ button, my screen asking me to confirm this deletion. Of your number, your pictures, your smile, your love, your face… MY memories… memories of you.

 

I couldn’t do it.

I placed the device back into my hand bag and forced myself to watch the scene of you cutting a cake: smiling, eating.

The lighting was beautiful around you. You practically glowed! (Though I still saw the shadow of pain I caused you, behind it.)

 

Maybe I realized, or maybe I wanted to know something at that moment.

How precious was she to you?

How precious was she- compared to me… to you?

 

‘I was you amber.’

As tears threatened to flow, my memories did so. I remembered the first time we met, the smile you gave, the words you said. Our first date was a disaster- a good one (we fell into a lake, boating), but so were the rest, not that they were any less fun.

I replayed all the songs we sang to on your car’s stereo on candid night drives. Our favorite song too. ‘Stone Cold.’ How ironic. Even when we promised it would never happen to me. That I wouldn’t, that you wouldn’t ever let it happen to me.

I recalled your warmth. Hands, face, hugs. I reminisced on your love. My love. Our love. I knew I was precious to you. You were precious to me too. I know you knew as I knew.

I could vividly picture the glimmer, the glitter in your eyes as you stared at me with eyes of love- of affection. I’m sure I returned the sentiment.

But… maybe I could understand my value better now, seeing you… and her. After all, what was amber to even a single coin of gold? I was your amber before, I’m sure.

 

“But now she’s your shade of gold.” I whispered, tears breaking out as I saw with my own eyes how yours shined. Shined for her, brighter than they would ever do for me.

Was it because you knew beforehand? That we just weren’t meant to be? Is this why you wouldn’t let yourself love me fully?

Maybe.

 

The dinner wasn’t over yet, but my hands reached out to strip the cloak off the back of my seat, slippers changed to shoes. Ignoring the inquiry of ‘Where are you going?’ from my friend, I left without a second glance, another word.

I just wanted to get the hell away.

---

My “escape” was near-successful. (I actually managed to reach my car.) Near because the one person, the only person who was capable of stopping me, stopped me from leaving. You.

“Why are you leaving?” Your voice froze me in my tracks, hand on the door handle at the honest ask. I could clearly her your voice crack. “So soon?” You followed up the question. “Dinner’s not yet over.” You tried to compose yourself to seem calm, but failed miserably. “Why?”

Why. Not Where. Not the usual question. Why- that was your question. Oh, you knew me so well. You knew me as a free, wild, exploring soul. Always seeking adventure, that kind of person. We were the same in that aspect, after all.

Once lost, hard to regain.

Did I mean something else by that? I wonder.

“It’s over for me at least.” I said. I guess that sounded too heavy, too negative, so I tried to cover it up with a joke. “You know me, small body (kinda), small appetite. I’m pretty full. You got yourself some good meat.” I winked as my thumb went up, and you chuckled at the display. That made me laugh too. The first genuine laugh since your revelation of engagement to me.

“I know.” You went along with it, wiping a tear from your eye. I wonder if it was due to laughing or something else- “I’m sorry.” Those words followed shortly.

“For?” Now I was sure it was from something else.

 

“Us.”

 

My smile dropped. I didn’t quite frown though, instead, my lips pressed into a tight, thin line.

“I’m sorry that we were broken. Sorry I didn’t fight. Sorry I… I let you love me when I knew all along that we cou-“

 

“Stop.”

I could not believe, could not hear this right now. “I don’t regret loving you. Never have, never will.” And that was the truth, I clarify. I tried to meet your eyes… needing to know. “Do you…” I couldn’t finish, but you understood.

“NO. Never have. Never will.” You smiled sadly. I did too.

“Thanks.” I wanted that to be the last words I’d say to you. I couldn’t take it. I made an effort to leave again.

“See you around?”

 

Hopeful.

That’s how you sounded to me. Too bad it was too painful on my part.

“No.” My brutal honesty might have hurt you, but at least it wasn’t like the lie that hurt me.

“Why?” Were you actually crying right now? “Why?”

“Why so desperate?” I ask. “To keep me in your life?”

“Because…” You tried.

“I Love You.” I finally said my reason. “But it hurts.”

“I… I can’t…” You begin.

“I know.” Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair, tresses all roughed up from my emotion-driven actions. “I know.”

I was about to leave. Leave for good, but…

“…But I need you.”

I heard it. That whisper, but I couldn’t look at you anymore. I couldn’t turn back no more.

“…”

“Please.” You sob. “I need you.” You fell to your knees, I heard the thud.

I could not resist your begging. You knew this. I ran back to the spot where you hung your head low, ready to wait fruitlessly for a return from me you weren’t even sure of. I hugged you with all the strength and love I could muster. I helped you up and wiped your tears, fixed your suit- dusting it off and straightening your tie.

“Hey now, fix yourself up. Brides shouldn’t look like this on their most special wedding night. You embarrass me.” I jested, despite the tears we both shed as you laughed.

“Thanks.”

We stood close for a moment, like we were back in the past. In what was OUR present. Times when we were still thinking of our future.

“I… I’m…. I’m Happy for you.” I croaked out, tear-stained cheeks red and still forming a smile from our laughter session, eyes trying to stay on yours, voice wrecked.

“Thanks.” It was all you could say, it was all I expected you to. I nod in acceptance and turn away. This time, you let me go, probably trusting me to stay.

“Good bye.”

“Bye.” You said with a wave, mouthing ‘Take care’.

“For good.” I finished as I held your gaze one final second, just as I shut the car door and you realized a bit too late what I meant.

That I wasn’t staying.

“Wait-“

I wouldn’t wait. I couldn’t anymore. I’d be waiting for nothing after all. I already waited a long time for nothing at all.

Maybe I finally accepted it because I didn’t cry on my drive to nowhere in particular.

That you were finally married.

That you ha it arranged before ‘Us.’.

That your family didn’t like me and tore us apart.

I accepted it all.

That… you actually fell for her along the way and that I waited for… absolutely nothing.

 

I was fine… I would be… as long as my heart remained-

‘Stone Cold, Stone Cold.’

A numb, hardened heart.

I laugh.

It’s impossible after all… to have a stone-cold heart.

I cried.

I was sad for myself, but… I was happy for you.

 

 

Goodbye… Stone cold first love.