Daniel was exhausted. He wanted to sleep more than almost anything in the world. The company was working him way too hard as the most popular member of Wanna One and it was draining all of Daniel’s energy. He fell asleep on Master Key a while back and, on one hand, he was embarrassed about it but, on the other hand, he was glad. He thought that maybe his fans would scold YMC and he could actually sleep. Maybe someone would notice that his fatigue was extreme. But no one did.

So when Daniel finally had the chance to sleep in his own bed, he should have. But instead, he sat down to watch the newest episode of Night Goblin instead. Watching Night Goblin was one of the only ways that Daniel could see Jonghyun. Daniel still remembered the finale of Produce 101, watching member after member being announced, without Jonghyun’s name being called. Even then, though, Daniel had no doubt that Jonghyun would be Number 11. It was certainly a drop in his rank but there was no way Jonghyun wouldn’t be in Wanna One. He was the Nation’s Leader after all, and, more importantly, the other members needed him. He was their rock.

And then Jonghyun was called for 14^th and Daniel could barely hear around the blood rushing in his ears. There was just no way, there was no way Jonghyun wasn’t in Wanna One with him. Daniel remembered thinking that there must have been some mistake and the live broadcast would dramatically be stopped at any moment to correct it. Seeing Jonghyun smile like he was okay with the situation broke Daniel’s heart at the same time it pissed him off. Didn’t Jonghyun realize what this meant? That they couldn’t be together, that they would be apart? Their schedules were so packed, they might not be able to see each other outside of a broadcast for months. Daniel’s chest had suddenly felt heavy and he had to labor to breathe. The feeling hasn’t stopped much since then.

Just then, the episode began, bringing Daniel back to the present. Daniel watched as Jonghyun made his entrance, jogging like a total dork, but his heart still skipped a beat. Daniel was so proud of Jonghyun. He was the first of the Produce 101 contestants to get a permanent role on a variety show after Produce, and it was Jonghyun’s first too. He had been so worried about doing well but Jonghyun’s fans will love him no matter what and Daniel definitely thought Jonghyun had been improving. Jonghyun deserved the world, in Daniel’s opinion, and it was about time the public recognized his talent.

Daniel’s attention was drawn back to the episode as the members decided to measure Jonghyun’s waist. Jonghyun protested a little, calling his waist his complex, and Daniel smiled wistfully. Jonghyun’s body was perfect but Jonghyun was self-conscious about how skinny he was. That’s the reason Jonghyun never wears short-sleeves. Daniel thought to himself that he would have to break that habit. As Jonghyun raised his sweatshirt to be measured, Daniel also thought about learning how to cook. Jonghyun really was too skinny.

Thinking about Jonghyun’s waist made Daniel a little hot and he shifted to get more comfortable. Jonghyun had the most beautiful waist that led to a slim, but still defined chest. His skin was white and creamy, and Jonghyun had scars that he didn’t like to talk about. Daniel thought they made him even more stunning. Jonghyun was tiny and Daniel loved how well he fit into his own larger frame.

He wished he had Jonghyun in his embrace right now.

On the TV screen, Jonghyun threw out a joke, reminding Daniel just how much he had assimilated to the show. The members bought bread and, soon, Jonghyun had cream all over his face from the bread. Daniel cracked a smile. While also an incredibly image, Jonghyun didn’t realize just how damn cute he was. Daniel had seen the Night Goblin TV Naver channel and some of the videos were just of Jonghyun eating. He ate in the most adorable way, it was impossible not to love him.

As the episode progressed, Daniel realized just how close Jonghyun was with Hongki. When Hongki wasn’t standing next to him, Jonghyun would look around for him and then move to Hongki’s side. Daniel didn’t like that much. Daniel should be the only person that Jonghyun runs to. The fact that at least Jonghyun wasn’t attracted to Hongki (Daniel could tell) reassured Daniel enough to keep watching calmly.

Jonghyun was talking about how he wanted to be reborn as a whale. “What a dork,” Daniel thought fondly. Jonghyun then revealed that it was because he couldn’t swim and Daniel couldn’t help but sigh at how adorable he was. Daniel could always teach him to swim, if Jonghyun wanted. When they had time. Someday.

Daniel watched as Jonghyun smiled and laughed with his hyungs. His smile was always so bright and beautiful.

I wish I could see him.

The thought slammed into Daniel heavily and his heart ached to think how impossible that was. Realizing again how much he missed Jonghyun, Daniel rubbed at his chest to ease the clenching in his heart. Daniel had been so happy, all those months ago, when he heard they would be on Master Key together. They would have to be careful, of course, and he couldn’t show too much affection, but at least he could see Jonghyun and talk with him. Seeing Jonghyun again was like that first breathe of air after being underwater too long. It was sudden and almost painful, but so, so good.

When he watched their Master Key episodes together, Daniel thought it was obvious how close they were and was proud. Daniel had thought that with pressure from him and Sugeun, Jonghyun could become a regular member and then at least he could see him once a week. But, of course, they only got a couple episodes together. Daniel had tried to comfort himself by figuring that at least Jonghyun would guest every once in a while. Now Master Key had ended and Daniel had no idea when he’ll see Jonghyun in person again.

The episode was nearing its end and the Night Goblin members were eating again. It seemed like all they do on the show these days. It’s probably a good thing, Daniel reflected, because Jonghyun’s at least being fed well. But the show did seem to be changing direction.

Sugeun asked Jonghyun how the food was and Jonghyun reacted with a thumbs-up. Daniel thought he was cute but Sugeun said, “Don’t just put up your thumb. You must use your words.” Jonghyun looked a little disappointed in himself, like he was reminded of his shortcomings. Jonghyun had been told by many people in the past how lacking he was so he was pretty used to it but Daniel knew how much it hurt him. Daniel felt a bolt of unrestrained rage pass through him. Sugeun was also on Master Key with Daniel and Daniel liked him, but no one made his Jonghyun look like that. Jonghyun might not be great at variety but he was improving, god damn it.

Then, Hongki looked at Jonghyun and told him, “It’s his fault for talking to you when you’re eating.” Good. Daniel was glad that Hongki was there to protect Jonghyun. He might be jealous of their close relationship but Hongki seemed to treat Jonghyun well.

After the flash of anger had passed, Daniel made himself remember that Sugeun was trying to help Jonghyun get more screen time by teaching him the ropes.  It was a relief that Jonghyun was surrounded by such good hyungs that wanted to take care of him like Daniel did.

When the episode concluded and aired the preview for next week’s episode, Daniel mentally noted the guests and airtime again so that he would remember to watch. As the commercials started, Daniel sighed and leaned back into Seongwoo, the man he loved like a friend that he was pretending to love like a soulmate, and wondered when it got so complicated.

When did he lose his chance to Jihoon? Jihoon and Jonghyun didn’t even hang out that much during Produce 101. They filmed the mystery box before the show even started airing and that was it. But apparently that was enough for Jonghyun to fall for the wink boy. Daniel tried not to hate his own group member, but it was impossible when he saw pictures of them together. The jealousy and raw anger turned him into an ugly person. That wasn’t what Jonghyun deserved so Daniel tried to be better, but it was difficult and Daniel didn’t understand. How did Jihoon, who never spent much time with Jonghyun, win Jonghyun’s heart instead of Daniel, who was by Jonghyun’s side throughout the show? Maybe it was the fact that, despite his various CF and modeling shoots, Jihoon had much more time to spend with Jonghyun. Daniel could almost accept that; he couldn’t be a good boyfriend to Jonghyun right now and Jonghyun should always be loved.

Daniel was still confident that they would figure it out. One day, when Wanna One was over and Daniel had enough time to sleep and to shower attention and love on Jonghyun like he deserved, then Jonghyun would come back to him. Jonghyun and Jihoon could never last (because Jonghyun was meant to be with him), and Seongwoo would turn his attentions elsewhere before long. Then they could be together, the way things should be. They were fated after all.

Yes, one day they would be together, Daniel thought as he Seongwoo’s arm. But until then, he would keep watching Night Goblin. It was the only way to see his love. For now.