Getting ready for the finale of Produce 101 is more nerve-wracking than Ren ever imagined. He’s more nervous now than he was before Nu’Est’s debut. He looks across the waiting room, to where Jonghyun is talking and laughing with what’s left of the Sorry Sorry Team 2. Jonghyun looks so happy and relaxed in this moment that Ren’s heart aches to think of how rare that was in the past. Their eyes meet and they share a small smile, years of fighting for recognition together making verbal communication unnecessary. This is it. The accumulation of everything they’ve worked for in the past couple months and yet, Ren hopes none of them make it. That they’re ranked 12^th, 13^th, 14^th, and 15^th and that Nu’Est will continue as a whole, hopefully with some lasting popularity. The music industry in Korea is so temperamental and face-paced that they might be forgotten without Produce, but Ren is willing to take that chance.

Ren is ripped out of his gloomy thoughts by Euiwoong and Hyungseob running straight for him. They know Hyungseob probably won’t make it so they’re just having fun seeing everyone and being ridiculously bright and beautiful. Ren catches Hyungseob as they collide, laughing. “Can you at least try not to run into people?” Ren asks, a mother’s smile on his face.

“No promises,” Euiwoong replies with a lazy smirk, right behind Hyungseob.

Hyungseob steps back. “Did you see Samuel’s hair? It actually looks kinda good. Maybe I should dye my hair purple.”

At the thought of one of his bunnies with that awful, pastel purple hair, Ren pales. “Don’t you dare! Only Samuel can pull that off.”

Hyungseob considers for a second and shrugs, not one to commit to anything anyway. “Oh well. Well, I like your hair too, hyung. I know that you used to wear it long but this short cut looks good on you. Especially the sandy brown.” Hyungseob then risks ruffling Ren’s hair. He laughs and dances away when Ren gasps in indignation and tries to hit him. Chuckling, Hyungseob and Euiwoong wander away, chatting about maybe getting pink hair like Jinyoung, and Ren is pulled into a memory of how he cut his hair in the first place.

~

Ren looks at his reflection in the mirror from the same place he’s been sitting for the past three hours. Ren doesn’t really mind looking like a girl. From their debut on, Pledis has loved styling him with long hair and Ren doesn’t complain. With his girlish looks, he gets more attention from the other members, which gives him more screen time. It makes him unique. His long hair gains him attention both on stage and as a model. When Nu’Est really struggles, one of the only ways to make money is for Ren to model. Walking in Fashion Week last year made enough money to feed the five of them for a couple weeks. In a time when the company had basically given up on them, they could barely get enough to eat, and they were being buried in debt, Ren was incredibly grateful that his long hair made his looks unique enough to keep him wanted in the modeling industry. And he is good at girl group dances too, which is complemented by his long hair and is popular with the fans. Dancing to “Something” by Girls’ Day back in 2014 (god was it really that long ago? Ren sometimes forgot how long they had been in the industry) was much more fun than embarrassing. And Ren knows he looked hella fine in that dress.

But trends have changed. Cross dressing and male idols dancing to girl group songs aren’t nearly as “in” as they used to be. Nu’Est had decided to go on Produce 101 and the first filming is tomorrow. This is supposed to be a fresh start. Their debut had done so well. “Face” ranked well on the charts and they gained a good number of fans. It killed all of them, especially Jonghyun, to see them drop so far from their promising beginning. Ren wants to perform on stage just as much as anyone, but it hurts him more to see Jonghyun blame himself for their failure. Their situation seemed so hopeless.

So Ren knows he has to cut it. This is their chance, perhaps their last chance, and they need to make the best of it. With any luck, at least one of them wouldn’t be edited in a negative light (or just edited out completely) and then they could bring some popularity to Nu’Est. It has to be done.

But Ren loves his hair. He looks so stunning with it in pictures and he can wear it in so many different styles. Ren isn’t ashamed to admit that he is a vain person and he likes looking beautiful. He likes the way people (especially Jonghyun) look at him and the confidence his hair gives him. So, Ren sits in the bathroom for hours, looking at his long locks and trying to be happy about how much quicker showering will be.

But Ren is determined. So, eventually, he asks Jonghyun to cut it for him. He couldn’t get through the experience without Jonghyun by his side. Ren has no confidence in Jonghyun’s hair-cutting skills but he needs him. It doesn’t matter if it looks awful and jagged; a stylist can fix it later.

“Are you sure?” Jonghyun asks, soft and sweet as always.

“I’m sure. Besides, I hear Jang Moon Bok is going to be there and he might actually have better hair than I do,” Ren replies, to lighten the mood. They both laugh, trying to cover their nervousness, but the mood turns somber again as Jonghyun reaches for the scissors. Aron bought that scissors at Daiso, because they can’t afford to shop anywhere else. Jonghyun and Dongho once had to use a screwdriver from Daiso to fix a pot from Daiso that didn’t work because it was from Daiso. They deserved better.

Ren’s eyes meet Jonghyun’s in the mirror with steeled determination and a bit of sadness that this is what they’ve come to. Both of them know what this means, for Ren and for the group. Ren closes his eyes because he can’t bear to watch all his hair being cut off. Trying to hold in tears, Ren listens as Jonghyun begins hacking away at his hair. Each snip feels like a reminder of a disappointment. Snip – their second album not doing nearly as well as the first and the public losing interest. Snip – the company reminding the group of their training debts in the same meeting that they tell them their comeback has been delayed. Snip – a fan meeting where they can’t even sell one hundred tickets. Snip – Jonghyun barely keeping them together while Ren and Minhyun cry about an article that calls them failures.  Despite the memories, no tears fall down Ren’s face and Jonghyun ignores the wetness in his eyes. They’ve gotten used to this over the years.

When it’s done, Ren finally looks in the mirror. And despite his fears, Ren looks damn good. It’s a bit scary and different for him but Ren can rock any look. He looks up at Jonghyun in the mirror, who’s nervously fidgeting. “Does it look okay?” Jonghyun asks.

“I mean…. I look great,” Ren says. Jonghyun breathes out a relieved sigh. “But I’ll have someone fix this train wreck of a haircut tomorrow. You definitely shouldn’t quit your day job.” Jonghyun barks out a surprised laugh and together, they get ready to head out to the main room where Aron and Minhyun have gotten supper ready.

Ren takes one last glance at his sheared head on the way out and sighs. He looks down at the discarded hair on the floor (because, of course, Jonghyun would forget to clean it up) and thinks about saving one precious lock. “ that,” Ren thinks in his head. “I should burn it all and hope that our bad luck and unknown days go with it.” Ren tries to toss his hair as he turns to leave, failing miserably. But he struts away like he meant to do that, Born This Way by Lady Gaga playing in his head like personal theme music.

Aron and Minhyun had made kimchi chiggae, but without any meat because that’s too expensive. Dinner is a strained affair, with everyone nervous and quiet. Aron cracks jokes every once in a while to try and relieve the tension. Ren appreciates him trying but it doesn’t help. The recipe is the same as always but the food is tasteless as they think about how much of their future rides on tomorrow’s performance. After they finish eating what they can, Ren, Minhyun, Dongho, and Jonghyun go to the studio. Jonghyun has booked them just two hours to practice today. They have practiced enough and, if they don’t know the performance by now, they are screwed anyway. Jonghyun is also trying to save Dongho’s vocal chords for tomorrow. His voice has been cracking lately and, god knew, they didn’t need that happening tomorrow.

After their two hours is up, the four of them leave the building. Ren runs into the Seventeen members on the way out. E.Coups and all the boys greet him but they have a hard time meeting his eyes. Ren runs a hand self-consciously through his shorn hair as they wish him luck tomorrow. Ren knows they feel bad for succeeding so much more than their sunbaes but that doesn’t make the encounter any less humiliating. Nayoung, Kyulgyung, and all the Pristin girls who had been on Produce 101 Season 1 had sent Nu’Est a video cheering them on and giving them some advice though, so at least not all of their hoobaes pitied them.

When the four of them return home to their dorm, all five members gather in what counts as their living room. Jonghyun hadn’t called a meeting or anything; they just needed to be together. Jonghyun’s hand is resting on Ren’s knee and Ren is playing with the edges of Dongho’s sweatshirt, who has an arm around Aron. Aron’s leg is thrown over Minhyun’s lap and Minhyun is leaning into Jonghyun’s side. Everyone’s touching someone and Ren thinks that maybe they’re trying to remind themselves that they will always be together. Or maybe they’re appreciating one of the last times they’ll be together.

After some small talk about the new song Dongho’s trying to write, Jonghyun clears his throat and the four members focus in. “Alright guys, we have a big day tomorrow.” Ren rolls his eyes fondly at the understatement. “I don’t need to remind you all what this means for us but I’m going to say it anyway. If we don’t gain some popularity through this show, Pledis might disband Nu’Est or just never let us promote again.” Ren and Dongho’s breaths both hitch a little. They all know that is the reality but none of them had ever used the D-word before. For Jonghyun to use it is a reminder of just how desperate their situation is. Ren looks down in shame and sorrow but his hair doesn’t fall forwards to protect him like it used to.

“We have to be extremely careful here. I don’t want anyone to be evil edited. That means smiling the entire time there are cameras there. Do not looked tired, never look annoyed, and try to hold your temper no matter how frustrating or inexperienced these trainees might be. I’m looking specifically at you, Dongho. I know how experienced you are and how strongly you hold your opinions about music but do not mess up this chance for us. Ren even cut his hair for this.” Dongho and the others turn to look at him and Ren, rarely for him, blushes at the scrutiny. “I will be damned if we give Mnet an excuse to make us look bad. I would rather that we get no screen time at all than let Mnet destroy our reputations, even if that’s not what the label would want.”

“Remember that everyone is going to be against us. We debuted five years ago and we’re going on a show for trainees. Nobody wants us there except Mnet and they’re just looking for drama.” Ren wants to feel sad but he just feels like a soldier being prepared for battle. They can do this if they stick together and follow orders. They are stronger than anyone thinks right now and more talented than anyone has cared to notice.

Jonghyun takes a deep breath before he continues. “But we can do this. I would have left a long time ago if I didn’t believe in every single one of us. We have been through a lot together these past years and I know each of you better than my family. Nu’Est will always stay together. I know that, no matter what happens, we are going to do well on this show and, even if we don’t become extremely popular, the five of us will come together again and promote as Nu’Est.”

He smiles at each of them in turn. “With Dongho’s composing skill, Minhyun’s charming voice, Ren’s sass, and Aron’s versatility, we will succeed, whether it’s through this show or not.” Ren smirks when Jonghyun says “sass” and dramatically strikes a model pose. Jonghyun lets out a small laugh and continues. “We will have our first music show win, and then another, and then another, until we can no longer count our trophies. Think of how proud our fans who have been with us since the beginning will be then. Let’s show them that these past five years haven’t been for naught. Let’s show them, and everybody, who Nu’Est is.”

Everyone’s nodding along, feeling the sentiment fill their chests with hope. Jonghyun pauses and Ren knows he’s finished and is trying to think of a less cheesy way to end it. “And then once we’re extremely successful, I’m going to go solo and leave you all behind.” Ren huffs a laugh, knowing Jonghyun would never actually leave them. If any of them was going to give up, they wouldn’t have struggled together this long.

 With that, the tension breaks and they start joking about what Aron is going to do all by himself. Minhyun suggests that he spend the time cleaning, which promptly has Aron trying to punch him. Ren relaxes into Jonghyun’s side and the futon behind him, smiling at the familiarity of it all and feeling like everything might be okay. As Dongho joins the fight, Ren reaches up to touch his hair for the millionth time that evening. Jonghyun stops his hand and Ren feels silly for being so worried over hair. Jonghyun just smiles his heart-stopping grin, holds Ren’s hand in his lap and says, “You look gorgeous.” And for that moment, that’s enough for Ren.

~

Looking out into the crowd during “Super Hot” with Jonghyun, Dongho, Sungwoon and all his other new friends beside him, Ren thinks it’s the best decision he’s ever made. They’ve ever made. Going on Produce 101, this second chance, cutting his beautiful hair. It’s all been worth it. Their future is looking so much brighter, no matter the results. Even if they’re separated, Ren can feel that Nu’Est might finally be stable. They’ve finally made it.

Ren can always grow his hair back later when they’re a huge success with thousands of screaming fans.