Seulgi was certain that Bae Joohyun was it for her.

In all her life, she has never felt so strongly for someone, save for the Daegu local. She didn’t even bat an eyelash when Park Jimin, a filthy rich quarterback who only took AP classes, asked her to prom back in high school. (He even bribed her with a classic monogram Louis Vuitton duffel bag but Seulgi still refused).

She never really felt the need to get in a relationship. But Joohyun was a force to be reckoned with.

She knew that Joohyun was the only person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, and she’s already started weighing the pros and cons of having Sooyoung or Yeri as her maid of honor.

The mono lidded woman was in her second year of college when she first laid eyes on her girlfriend of five years, in the café just outside her university’s gates. When the raven haired lass couldn’t seem to avert her gaze from the other café patron, she new she was done for. Fortunately for her, the brunette had her nose buried in a book, too busy to notice her staring.

Seulgi never really believed in love at first sight but if the irregular heartbeats she experienced the very first time she saw Joohyun were the judge, you’d think otherwise.

It took her three more weeks (due to Sooyoung’s incessant pushing) to finally “grow a pair” (Sooyoung’s words, not hers) and engage in conversation with the goddess always donning black.

Not that Seulgi always notices. (She so does.)

So she finds herself braving the two-meter distance between her table and Joohyun’s with clammy hands and pale lips – for the first time in her life, initiating something that wasn’t along the lines of let’s order some Chinese, or let’s restock on some Pringles.

“Hi, umm, how many ice cubes do they put in the iced Americano here?” Seulgi blurted out.

From the corner of her eye, she could see Sooyoung and Yeri laughing in amusement at her incapacity to flirt. Still, Seulgi thinks that this approach was much better than their original plan – which was something along the lines of the mono lid woman “accidentally” spilling her drink on the brunette.

She figures that she’d rather have her crush see her as a loser with zero game than a hazardous klutz.

Joohyun squinted at the lanky girl who dared to invade her precious alone time. She watches as the woman  standing right in front of her usual seat (the one near the café’s ceiling-to-floor window that gives a view of the usual Seoul traffic), was playing with her fingers with downcast eyes, muttering curses under her breath. Her choppy bangs were long enough to hide her eyes, but were a few inches too short to conceal the light shade of pink dusting her cheeks.

Cute, Joohyun thought. Weird, but cute nonetheless.

“Well, I never really get cold drinks so I, too, have no idea how many ice cubes there are in the iced Americano.” Joohyun says, head tilting to the side. The intruder immediately shot up after that.

Seulgi felt her heart race at the sound of Joohyun’s voice – a bit raspy, but at the same time, sweet as honey. It makes no sense, really. But nothing that comes out of Seulgi’s mouth ever does when in close proximity with goddesses in the latest Alexander Wang jeans.

“Well, I could buy us each an iced Americano and maybe you could help me find the answer to my question?”

--

A few months after that, Seulgi and Joohyun were official. They moved into an apartment near the studio where Seulgi works as a graphic designer, while Joohyun, a novelist, works from home.

What they had was easy and perfect. On Mondays until Thursdays, Joohyun would cook them dinner while Seulgi would be in charge of dishwashing duty. They’d settle for some Panda Express on Fridays (despite Joohyun’s strict low-sodium and low-calorie diet), while Saturdays are either for dates or just for staying in to catch up on whatever series they’ve missed out on due to too much workload.

They were happy and content – an ideal young couple who never seemed to get past their honeymoon stage. Through the years, they’ve become masters of each other’s personalities and traits – memorizing details ranging from the little things to major ones. Like how Seulgi knows that Joohyun would choose Downy over any other detergent brand, and that she would always prefer sleeping on the left side of the bed. She’s aware of how Joohyun likes to wake up as early as five am to do her early morning yoga and how she needs to take a few more minutes after that to write in her journal before making breakfast.

(Seulgi repeatedly thanks the gods for blessing her with the talent to sleep like a log since she couldn’t bear having to be awoken by Joohyun’s pitter-patter as she goes through her morning routine).

Most importantly, she’s mastered how short-tempered the shorter girl is – knowing better than to entertain other people clearly flirting with her. Joohyun is a ticking time bomb ready to explode any moment someone even so much as looks at Seulgi the way only she is allowed to.

“Babe, why are you ignoring me?” Seulgi said, raising her voice whilst willing her legs to go faster. She was chasing Joohyun after the latter stormed off the club they were staying at (almost spilling her mimosa while doing so) without so much as a warning.

The streets were unusually quiet for a Saturday night, making it impossible for Joohyun to not hear Seulgi’s call. The mono lidded woman shivered as the 11pm breeze hit her bare shoulders and back. But even that wasn’t cold enough to rival the icy glare her girlfriend had on.

“How can you be so dense, Seulgi?! Momo was clearly undressing you with her eyes and you seem to be enjoying it too much to remember that tonight was supposed to be our night! Heck, I felt as if I was the one interrupting precious alone time,” she huffs, “not that unprofessional, WHORISH woman!”

Joohyun was seething – gaze hard, and jaw clenched. She ran her hands through her brown locks in irritation.  She knew that she had a tendency to overreact but this time, she thinks, she was undoubtedly reasonable.

Her face soured as she was vaguely reminded of how Momo, the bartender, kept sending her girlfriend the cheapest version of the bedroom eyes to date. Just thinking about it made her want to vomit or lash out at Seulgi – either options are fine. If she weren’t so afraid of causing a scene in public, she wouldn’t have thought twice about strangling the woman right then and there.

Meanwhile, Seulgi could only stare at the beauty in front of her.

There, standing on the sidewalk, basked in the yellow hue of the streetlights, was a goddess. Seulgi couldn’t believe her luck. Even with tear-stained eyes and the most fragile look on her face, her girlfriend (Seulgi still gets giddy every time she refers to Joohyun as her lover) still managed to knock the air out of her lungs.

“You know I’m oblivious, Hyun.” Seulgi begrudgingly said. “But I swear I’ll try my hardest to be more aware. How could you even think that I’d have the guts to be unfaithful when everything else is irrelevant when compared to you?”

The storm in Joohyun’s eyes started to calm – her almond eyes losing the hardness it holds. Instead, in its place is a soft look reserved only for Seulgi to see.

“You know, I have a love-hate relationship with that skimpy, black dress, Seul. As soon as you wear that, I couldn’t help but imagine you without it.” Joohyun frowns, “Apparently, everyone shares the same thoughts as I.”

The younger girl could only chuckle at her statement, knowing all too well how much Joohyun loves her dress (It was couture after all). She ran towards her lover, despite how much her feet hurt from the five-inch Louboutins she had on, to engulf her in a tight hug.

She kissed away the frown that was plastered on Joohyun’s face and started whispering sweet nothings in her ear, making the latter forget why she ever doubted her lover in the first place.

Seulgi thinks she knows Joohyun enough to feel secured that they would last a lifetime. Which is why she didn’t understand how all the fighting started.

Nights spent cuddling were replaced with Joohyun sleeping alone in the bedroom while Seulgi settled for the black couch in the living room. If the graphic designer was lucky enough, she’d wake up with a blanket covering her long frame, hinting that her girlfriend must have draped it on her at some hour while she was sleeping.

However, on most mornings, she’d wake up only to a quiet apartment with no Joohyun in sight. It’ll pass, she tells herself. But it happened one too many times and before she knew it, she had changed her favorite pillow’s permanent station from her and Joohyun’s shared bedroom, to the couch.

--

It only gets worse after that. Seulgi doesn’t even remember when she and her girlfriend last had a conversation that didn’t involve screaming and harshly shut doors. Every flaw that one had, seemed to tick the other off.

“Bloody hell, Joohyun! Throwing my clothes out the window is far from sane even for someone like you!”

“How many times do I have to tell you to separate the whites from the colored ones, Seulgi! Can’t you get anything right?!”

She never lost faith in them. Even when the screaming started to reach their neighbors, and their friends already noticing how they weren’t as gross as before. The artist believed that it was just a phase. She might wake up with back pains almost every morning from sleeping in the couch, but she’d bear all of it for Joohyun.

--

The raven haired woman just arrived from work, eyebrows furrowed and hair as disheveled as ever. Her right hand - her good hand  as how her fellow artists would say - was hurting due to sketching too many drafts for an insatiable client. It was exhausting, really. If she didn't need heaps money to fund her film camera collection, she would've looked for another job.

She expected to come home to a welcome kiss from her girlfriend and maybe some comforting cuddles, when she was met by a sight that was completely different from what she envisioned.

Seulgi can only stare as the love of her life stuffs all her belongings in two purple luggage bags, with a stone-cold expression on her face.

“Remember to put your laundry in the wash and to go grocery shopping every Saturday. I don’t want you living off of instant food, understood? Your unused sketchpads are in the box below the desk in your study.” Joohyun reminds her while placing the last pieces of clothing she owns in her bag – a gingham button down (that Seulgi bought for her during their second date), black slacks (the one that made her look so good, it lead to a quickie just before meeting her publisher), and a pair of socks with bear designs on them (that Joohyun got for herself since it reminded her of her now ex-girlfriend).

Seulgi remained silent, face uncharacteristically stoic. She felt numb. Neither one of them had really voiced their opinions on their now toxic relationship. This was anything but expected.

Even so, all the fighting should have been enough for her to foresee how it would end up.

Joohyun zipped her bag and faced Seulgi. The dark circles under her eyes have worsened due to the countless nights she spent planning on how to dump her lover painlessly. 

Countless because there really was no way to end a five-year relationship on a good note.

Countless like the tears she shed while doing so.

She bridged the gap between them and stood on her tiptoes to kiss the other’s forehead tenderly – as if Seulgi were a fragile piece of glass she couldn’t afford to break. (But that’s exactly what she was doing)

“I love you so much, Seul – I’ll always do.” She sighs. “It’s better to call it off now while we still don’t hate each other.”

It was then that Seulgi seemed to finally break from her trance. This really was happening. Her (ex) girlfriend was ending the many years of domestic bliss that they’ve strived so hard to build together.

No more binge watching Stranger Things on Saturdays, and Panda Express Fridays. No more shower concerts and comfort cuddles. No more forehead kisses and midnight taco runs.

No more Joohyun.

She wanted to scream, to cry, to curse at Joohyun – anything. She felt sad – frustrated even – and soon enough tears started streaming down her face. Joohyun wasn’t so far behind. They cried worse than when they watched Shape of Water a few months ago in their living room couch. (A few months before said couch became Seulgi’s designated bed.)

Seulgi wanted so badly to blame Joohyun for being a coward – for being such a quitter. But she knows that she deserves to be blamed just as much as Joohyun.

Suddenly she regretted all the times she whined while Joohyun took too long to pick out laundry detergent every time they visit the grocer, moments where she chose Pringles over Joohyun’s home cooked meals, and all the other happenings in the past that might have lead to now.

“I’ll be staying in Daegu. I think it’s best for me to go back to my roots, don’t you think? Take care of yourself, Seulgi.”

 Seulgi. It almost sounded foreign coming from Joohyun’s lips. Too formal. As if they hadn’t spent half a decade together.

“I’ll never get over you, Joohyun.” Seulgi cupped Joohyun’s cheek and stared at her with glassy eyes that tried to take in every physical detail of Joohyun for the last time – memorizing every freckle, every edge and plane, as if her life depended on it.

Joohyun leaned in to kiss her lover goodbye with all the intensity, all the love, she could offer. It pained her to realize that the fireworks she felt every time they kissed were still present – cementing the fact that they were still very much in love.

Dysfunctional, but in love.

At that moment she was reminded why she managed to stay despite all the hurt they’ve been causing each other for the longest time.

She knew she made the right decision.

The older girl pulled away and grabbed all her belongings, making her way out of their shared unit. She didn’t once look back – not at the polaroids they took that hung on the walls, not at her weeping lover. Looking back would only make her doubt herself even more.

The artist said kept mum and merely stared at the retreating form of the woman whose memory would never cease to haunt her.

("Do you love me still?"

"I don't think I have enough willpower to not love you, Seul.")

--

Three months of completely immersing herself in alcohol and work took its toll on Seulgi. If it were even possible, she started to look a lot thinner. The smile that came with the Kang Seulgi Package was replaced with what seemed like a permanent grimace on her face.

She missed Joohyun.

She longed for her lavender scent and even her constant nagging. It was as if her life lost its very essence the moment her past lover decided to walk out the door. Her mind was filled with so many scenarios in which she and Joohyun would reconcile. It only left her feeling worse.

Everything reminded her of Joohyun.

She’d stare at every five-foot-two brunette she’d cross paths with, hell-bent on making sure to never miss an opportunity to have a chance encounter with her ex. She detested every single person who used the same perfume as Joohyun, since she only gets reminded of how long it has been since her - hated how it gave her false hope.

Once, she paid a visit to a local bookstore for a breather, only to see Joohyun’s books lining up the shelves. With all the bravery left in her, she picked up her ex’s second published novel and opened it to a page she used to check every time she needed a quick pick-me-up.

For my Seulgi, with whom I’d count all the ice cubes in all the iced Americano in the world with, it read.

 (She ended up having to buy the book after its pages started to get damp with her tears).

--

It’s not as if she didn’t do anything to reach out to Joohyun after their breakup. The shorter girl apparently deleted all her social media accounts and changed her number, leaving Seulgi with no other means of contacting her.

When Yeri went to her flat just weeks ago after the split to collect Joohyun’s remaining belongings from their (once) shared apartment, she begged the younger girl for her ex’s number.

“I swear I don’t have it! She went to my apartment a few days ago after, uh, you know, and asked me to get her other stuff and to deliver it to Daegu. She didn’t tell me anything else.” Yeri swears, holding her hands up in surrender.

“I know you’re scheming with her, Yeri.” The older sighs, “All I’m asking for is a way to reach her. I want to know how she’s holding up, that’s all.”

“We’re about as clueless as you. It’s as if she broke up with us too.”

--

Per Sooyoung’s requests, they have been hanging in different bars every chance they get, to keep Seulgi occupied and help her eventually get over “she-who-must-not-be-named”. However, the very essence for their nightly escapades took a turn as the lanky, mono lidded woman only ever hooks up and converses with a very specific type of people.

“Seriously?! If I see you leaving with another insanely pale, doe-eyed girl, I’m making you pay for my tab for a whole month, and I won’t even feel guilty about spending.” Sooyoung huffed in frustration.

Seulgi shakes her head and sighs. “Going out for drinks and picking up girls was your idea, so don’t put the blame on me.” She sips on her third margarita, already expecting the hellish headache that would greet her the next morning. “And besides, Taeyeon is a freaking 10.”

Taeyeon, Seulgi’s “date” last night, was indeed a looker. She knew how to hold a conversation, AND her liquor. If not for the lopsided smile that resembled that of someone’s they both knew all too well, she would’ve thought that her best friend was making progress.

Sooyoung scoffed, “To you, anyone who even remotely looks like Joohyun is undeniably a 10. It’s like your world revolves around hot, older women, really.”

The artist rolled her eyes at her friend. She scanned the area, looking for yet another woman to take home. Her gaze landed on a young lady seated on a booth near the bar’s entrance with three other girls. She looked like the joking type, judging from the laughs of her companions, who are clearly entertained with her trying to balance a whiskey bottle on her shoulder. Seulgi grinned at the sight.

Luck was truly on her side as the woman she was eyeing just moments ago decided to walk towards the bar where she and Sooyoung were stationed. She smoothed down the invisible wrinkles on her white Ann Taylor dress and walked towards her target, not after winking at Sooyoung who only flipped her off.

“Hi. I’ve never seen you here before, Miss-?“ Seulgi trailed off as she stood beside the woman, leaning against the bar counter in the process.

The lady flashed a smiled in return. She looked back at her friends who already witnessed her brief exchange with the woman in white. Her heart-shaped lips formed an even wider grin seeing as the other girls were giving her the thumbs up, save for the one wearing Gucci who was also currently staring daggers at Seulgi.

“No need for formalities. Call me Jisoo.”

--

All her nightly escapades couldn’t fill the Joohyun-shaped void in her heart. It has been six months since she last saw her past lover and Seulgi is nowhere near her usual happy self.

The only bit of information about Joohyun that Seulgi knows of was the former’s address in Daegu. She still remembers it by heart. After all, she had spent too many Christmases in the Bae household not to know the place like the back of her hand.

Driven by a truckload of desperation, Seulgi decides to write Joohyun a letter.

She didn’t think that her need for her ex would lead her to stoop this low, but pride has never really been an issue for her. Even if it were, she doubts if that would be enough to stop her from reaching out to Joohyun.

“But that’s exactly the issue! After she decided to just leave you, you’re going to let her trample all over you again?  This isn’t being the better person in the relationship – this is you being stupid and obsessive!” Sooyoung said as Seulgi relayed her idea to both her and Yeri.

“She broke up with you for a reason.” Yeri says softly. While she agreed with everything Sooyoung said, she could never harshly reprimand Seulgi, not when she still looks so broken. “I get that you two had like, the perfect couple life, but you can’t deny that she quit on you over a few rough patches. The decision to end it wasn’t entirely mutual, and the fact that you’re still so hung up is enough reason to say so. She gave up on you. So please – give up the fantasy that it’s going to go back to the way it was too.”

Seulgi knows that she should have listened to her friends. (They seem to know  what's the best for her, after all). But the day after the talk, she finds herself standing by the blue collecting box right in front of her apartment building.

Remnants of last night’s conversation with Sooyoung and Yeri flooded her mind as she hesitates to drop the hand-written letter cradled on her hands, inside the mentioned box.

She observes her surroundings and notes that not much has changed since Joohyun left. The old couple who lived across them still ate breakfast in their yard, Tzuyu, the neighborhood dog-walker, still walks the same dogs (two German shepherds, and a golden retriever), and the bus stop remains crowded with students and workers alike.

Permanence exists due to necessity, Seulgi muses. And so maybe feelings can be permanent too – since she could never classify Joohyun as something less significant than a need.

Hanging onto that sentiment, Seulgi drops the letter. A tiny leap of faith won’t hurt anyone.

(Except maybe Seulgi)

--

It takes a day for the letter to be delivered. Google said so. And it’s not that Seulgi spent almost every waking moment, checking the mailbox labeled with her name in their apartment building, (she checks before she leaves for work and upon getting home too) but it’s been three days since she sent the letter and she was still yet to receive a reply.

She doubts if it was worth it.

(She doubts whether she should keep hoping).

--

Seulgi just got off the elevator, fixing her tousled hair whilst munching on a banana muffin. She slept through her alarm seeing that she stood up late last night trying to finish a draft needed by 9am the following morning. The artist tried to straighten her striped button-down which was messily tucked in her black slacks as she prayed that no one would notice her mismatched shoes – a brown penny loafer on her left foot, and a boat shoe (in the same shade, at least) on the right. She pat her right pocket to check if she had her car keys with her and sighed in relief, thanking her memory for not failing her for once

She was half-sprinting to get to her car when one of her n