I was just a fragment of her vivid imagination and endless day dreams. A place where she received solace in her brightest to the darkest memory, I lived there without a hint of the chronicle of time or the places I had set my foot in, I was erased to thin air only to appear again, swinging myself on her ever-changing moods.

 

But it was a matter of slight ponder that I found myself having, while caressing her soft brown locks as she sobbed, snuggling against my drenched shirt. I circled around the thought as I sat myself in the familiar warm wooden chair of a frequented coffee shop, but it only resulted to my foolishness and a faint sheepish smile. It was a stupid train of what ifs and could haves that I could not not prod further into.A sentence that lingered on my mind, whenever I felt myself rushing through a vacuum and reappearing in a world that had no sense of reality.

 

“Was I ever real?”

 

It was a mere thought, really. A stupid question I ended asking myself, whether of the fact I received the answers any time soon. Deep down, it bubbled inside that i might have been a particle of her long forgotten past. A scene she wished to had erased. A haunting creature I was, that revived every moment with her, whether or not she pushed the play button. A broken tape that I was turned into, rewinding itself despite the rotten heart that she had.

 

I was guilty. But I disregarded the sentiments of these ill thoughts as soon as it hit me.

 

It was a never ending train of love, hatred and fear.

 

That day was no different, the hues of yellows seemed brighter than ever. The dullness of the sky had gleaned over, resulting in tangerine shadows. My breath was by an unknown entity as I struggled to taste the hint of reality. But soon, I crashed with a thud on that same strong wooden surface and felt the pain that I was used to. I was at the coffee shop that I had longed to know the name of.It was a usual routine of numbness and the somersaults of my heart. There was not a soul lurking inside the crisp viscerous of the coffee shop and I feared the loneliness that creeped to engulf me into the dark abyss. I brushed the shadows that had its nails tapping my shoulders as a fanciful gesture, to have me ticked off.

 

It was soon gone, the snarking giggles of the shadow as the wooden floor had creaked against the clicking of some heels.

 

The routine had repeated itself as per my non-existent memory had said, but I would have preferred if the time had been merciful to provide something different. She had towered over me, her tangerine shadow did not resist itself mocking the likes of me. The crease of her pale skin had been widely visible, as the dark bags and the protruded cheek had downgraded the appearance which could had otherwise turned beautiful.Her bony fingers handed over a battered menu, on the top “your wish” written in old European cursive. Yet as soon as the words of the name had ingrained in my head, it was forgotten.

I cocked my eyebrows at the words that had surprisingly caught me, the blueberry cheesecake written in bold. I was supposed to be oblivious of the elements of this world of nothingness, but there I was staring at the menu, mouth agape. I awaited the reaction as I had broken one of the rules contained in that space of mine.

 

And so it came.

 

My heart had picked up its pace, the veins in my eyes crimson red. I coughed violently, blood spewed over, as it stained the menu carefully kept on the wooden table. I looked at the waitress with bloodshot eyes but the waitress didn’t even flinch, her eyes fixated on her worn out red heels. There were no mumbles and no cluttering of her teeth. With some difficulty I gathered up my strength to utter my order.

 

It was the same. The same bitter Americano along with a curt nod of hers, and a silent, “okay”. I heaved my shoulders as the usual routine of the burned smell of the coffee had entered my nose. The time had flowed it’s intended way.

 

I stared at the droplets of blood that had vanished into thin air until there was left none. I didn’t feel sickened in my stomach, neither my organs had decided to vomit itself.

 

“I’m glad.” The drops of perspiration had been brushed against the back of my palm.

 

It was soon, as I had remembered clearly, the arrival of the protagonist of the world I had dwelled in. Everything revolved around that petite girl, the mechanism of her imagination paving the way for the rest. I tried to grasp what was left of my sanity and feelings of reality as the bells chimed signalling the entrance of that particular character.

 

She had been there, in her own gleam of golden light. The slight waves of her hair that had its glint under the flickering bulb, as it was messily arranged on her narrow shoulder. She trudged towards me, her height of only 163 cm had nonetheless intimidated me. Her own shadow had its maniacal laugh, stuck behind with a weak string of attachment, as that mysterious being had ill-profanities leaving its mouth. The young girl was oblivious of the irritating actions of her own shadow.

 

She was not noticeable of my horrified eyes, as she simply pulled the chair in front of me. Her fingers were cleanly tangled with each other placed upon the table, the bones jut out of each of her knuckles. I grimaced at the nutritious debt she was in, but wished she could never see through my thoughts.

 

Our eyes met once, hers showcasing the mundane grayness and the loneliness that did not leave her alone in that world. I shrugged the uncomfortable sensation that was about to engulf me by raising my hand and hollering an “excuse me” across the coffee shop. I could feel her eyes diverting from my action to the empty scenery outside the glassed window with a deep sigh.  The same sound of the heels had dominated the silence and the frail body had blocked my vision. I muttered her an order for the ignorant company I had for the time.

 

“A blueberry cheesecake.” It didn’t burn my tongue when I uttered the name of the dessert.

 

The waitress nodded and disappeared behind the beige curtain along with her shadow. I tried to utter a different word to the waitress, perhaps a name another menu item but my trembling had prevented me to do so. The girl looked uninterested and the steady heaving of her chest had me believe she was still alive, a particle of reality.

 

She looked so unfamiliar, the contour of her visage had its slight alteration since the time I last saw her. I questioned myself, did I know her name?

 

Yes, I am afraid so.

 

“Hana.” The name simply rolled off my tongue, without further hesitation. However, the girl had been stubborn enough to not spare a look at me.

 

Hana. I called once again, not aloud al though but from a voice from the deepest alleys of my mind. The girl puffed out a breath and rolled her eyes, shuffling in her sit to crane her figure. Her eyes met mine in a swift, that once again the butterflies in my stomach had been freed.

 

It pained every fiber of my body.

 

“You.” She voiced. I gasped the remaining air, that I caught her voice so suddenly. Her melody was soft, with a hint of annoyance and a pinch of bitterness. I tried to be oblivious to her tone that seemed to pull on my heartstrings, but failed terribly to do so.

 

“Why didn't you tell me earlier?” she said, her gaze unmoving. I tried to construe the words that had left her lips but I couldn’t figure out what I should say next.

 

An answer that had never left my head, that was on the tip of my tongue.

 

I wanted to stay, with you. So that you won’t forget the likes of me.

 

“What?” My throat was hoarse, butterflies were soon trapped inside the cages of my ribs. The scorching sun appeared again, illuminating the figure in front of me. Her eyes that flickered under the rays of the sun, her shadow that was casted behind her. I looked for my own shadow yet i could not find my own.

 

There was no one to protect me from this wretched world.

 

“What?” she mimicked. “You are in this ty loop-” My eyes widened and as I expected she vomited strings of blood as she encircled her palms around to ease the pain.

 

I chuckled bitterly. Finally, the consequences of changing time sequences would be understood.

 

“You know, in this world, you can say a lot of words but that one word.” I stated.

 

“It’s sad.”  My lips pursed, trying to control the churning of my insides.

 

Her eyebrows knitted together, flabbergasted utterly.

 

“But…” her voice only disappeared to a soft whisper, “I’m the one dreaming all of these. This world, this cafe, the words…” her eyes met mine.

 

“And you.”

 

I could feel my eyes glistening with tears, with a word circling my head and ringing my ears.

 

Finally.

 

A sad smile hovered over my lips.

 

“I going to pull you out.” she argued, impatiently. It clicked inside me, the extinguished flame. The horrifying fear and the heart-wrenching pain, my hand shot up to touch the cold, quivering ones.

 

“Don’t” I chanted repeatedly, but she only shook her head in disagreement. Salty tears drenched my skin as I could see my emotions being reflected on her beautiful visage. I closed my eyes as the fingers holding her palm tightened at every breath we took.

 

Time didn’t exist for me, neither did those feelings of humans. But all i knew was that desperation of wanting to exist for a long time. I didn't know the meaning of my desperation. But all I had known was I didn’t want to disappear even if I had to live in that never ending thread of loneliness.

 

But when I saw the tears trickling down her cheeks, a faint curve of my lips had indicated the suppressed feelings of mine. If she couldn’t live with the painful existence of mine, who was I to question that?

 

My existence had to be ceased when she had to move on anyways.. And I gladly accepted the fact.

 

I gave up with an exasperated sigh  accompanying a small, “okay”.

My hands left hers soon. She missed the warmth of it, I knew.

 

The sweet and sour delight of blueberries soon replaced the empty wooden table. The coffee was oon served after. I took occasional sips f it as the bitter taste lingered on my taste buds, but the porcelain cups were emptied too quick. The cheesecake was devoured in silence except the occasional click of spoons against the plate.

 

“You are…” the carelessness and the impatience was washed away from her voice.

 

“I am fine.” She took my hands in hers as she squeezed it tightly. It was as if she knew everything. The pain of mine and the helplessness of hers.

 

“Let’s review our time table. If we have to get you out of this world, we have to alter the flow of time. “ she suggested.

She took a deep breath and asked,

 

“So what did we do first?”

 

We were outside the coffee shop by them, my hand enclosed tightly in hers. I shrugged with a tinge of hurt, since she remembered nothing of our previous adventures.

 

But as if was worth remembering.

 

I took a deep breath in as I closed my two eyes shut, as the memories seemed to hit me rather slowly. I relived each of those scenes our hands made contact, her eyes looking through me and the upward curve of her lips. I puffed out the breath I had been holding and opened my eyes only to meet the curious brown orbs of the other.

 

“We...had some times together. A lot of them. Well, a lot of them had blurred out, as a lot of,” I gesticulated as I created a space between my two palms, “time had passed since we last met.”

 

“How much is it?”

 

“A month or two in real world. A second or so here. But never mind that.” I shrugged.

 

“Firstly, as we already had done, our meeting at the cafe. Although, it is worth mentioning we didn’t talk much about this world before nor your wish to save me. It was you, crying in my arms and repeating sorrys after sorrys, even though I forgave you every single time.” The memories had washed over me, my hands had its goosebumps, as I looked straight at her eyes. A hint of guilt had passed in her black pupil but it was soon replaced with seriousness. An image I seldom saw.

 

“And then?” We were walking by then side by side, our shoes tapping against the yellow brick road.

 

“Then, we walked like this, we talked, shared things you would only disclose to me. I did too, even though I had nothing to say about myself. But, after that we would be interrupted by this loud...ring,” my hand unconsciously brought itself close to my ears, cupping it,”you would be in a state of panic as we rushed to the bus stop. A kiss, and then you would be gone.” I squeezed my eyes shut as my heart twisted painfully, “and I...I don't know know anymore.”

 

“Today let's arrive at the bus stop earlier than we did before okay?” She removed my hands from my ears and squeezed it. She looked at me sincerely with a small smile hovering her lips. “Hopefully, we could avoid the alarm and end this, whatever it is.”

 

I nodded. Her warmth soon left the blanks between my fingers, and it was replaced with cold and emptiness.

 

“It is a dream.” I muttered under my breath.

 

She was about to walk away, but was soon interrupted by my incoherent whisper. She craned her neck as she furrowed her brows.

 

“Did you say something?”

 

“No.” I waved my hands as I smiled. “Go on.” with a gesture of my hands I urged to her continue strolling. I was glad she didn’t, hopefully, catch anything I had said.

 

We walked down the pavement and passed some bricked houses, I didn’t know existed. There was no soul, no breathing entity to keep its eyes on us, orienting our every move. We exchanged some words, a thought or two. She told me about her world, where the skies were blue, the trees were green and where she couldn’t dream. I listened to her, careful not to miss a word.

 

She lived in a world where in the absence of these dirty yellow coloured skies, I was not present too. I hoped she could feel my loneliness in that world full of many strangers.

 

Unlike the world she spoke so highly off, our one had nothing but golden trees and clouds of a golden hue. I had no knowledge about the plethora of colour palettes, the multiple shades of each. Before I could embrace the reality she had talked and endure the difference we had had, we already had reached the end.

 

The bus stop.

 

The number 2100 stuck on the metallic body of the vehicle. There was no driver, but the gates to the inside were wide open. I looked sideways, at the girl, who stared at the bus in awe and slight confusion.

 

“This-”

 

“This is it.” I interrupted her as I sealed my lips into a straight line, thin line. She tugged me from behind as her lips met mine. I closed my eyes as I savoured each movement of her soft lips against mine, the strings of my heart breaking slow and steady. She stopped as a hearty laugh left as my lips lost contact of hers.

 

I existed in her conscience and I was more than content to know that.

 

“Go.” She patted my arms and encouraged me to get on the bus.

 

With a cheshire smile, which i seldom did, I nodded.

 

My hands gripped the cold handles of the door shutter, as I pushed my body to climb up the stairs. I guess I was not willing to let her go so soon.

 

“Chen.”

 

I looked back, as a tear or two escaped the corner of my eyes.

 

“You will be a dream that I will always remember here.” Her slender fingers pointed at her heart.

 

I was soon on my seat. My hands sweating profusely as it brushed against each other. I could feel it inside my throat, fluttering for its exodus. I gagge, holding my chest, as the butterfly soon left my mouth. It wasn’t a colour f yellow nor the multiple shades of it. I did not recognize the colour at all.

 

Panic got the best of me. I shifted on my seat, eyes googling everywhere.

 

I wanted to go back to her. Even if I am not remembered.

 

The bus started its engine, the windows tinted black. The seat filled up with strangers, bizzare looking ones. Craning my head from left to right, I scrutinized the place as the colour of the bus was drained to something our world didn’t consist of. I nibbled on my fingernails, the nails weakened by the wetness of my palms.

 

I was afraid of what the end of the journey had for me. Some answers, the end of a misfortunate loop and the figure of mine erased from the memories of the girl. The bus was pulled into a seamless dark abyss, the mutterings of the passengers echoed in my ears while I could make out the outlines of a lost memory I did not want to confront.

 

Floating little blobs of gold had appeared, I pulled my hands to my ears. I screamed as loud as my throat had allowed myself to. It was a havoc of pain and emotions, and I wanted myself to be saved as quick. It was a matter of some moments, everything had calmed down to a horrific silence. The ride was slow and the blobs of gold disappeared.

 

I closed my eyes.

 

The bus suddenly ed into something, my inertia had failed me. My head met the front seat of the force’s impact as a gust of wind passed by. The broken glasses of windows pierced through my skin as crimson blood oozed through. I was not in pain, I was just relieving every bit of my lost memory.

 

Soon after that, my limbs laid on the floor disfigured, blood spewed all over as I heard some muffled sirens. A tear trickled down my eye.

 

I felt myself being real.

 

The morning came by in her room, as the sun beamed through the light curtains of her room. She opened her eyes and raised herself from the comfortable pillows. She stretched her arms as my palm covered as she yawned.

 

She smiled.

Of course, Jongdae was long forgotten yet she could not pinpoint the reason of the beating of her heart.