Mark and Donghyuck were just that—Mark and Donghyuck. They’d been friends since before Mark could remember. They first met as babies, their parents were both close friends that had met at their shared church before the two boys were born. Mark was born first, but, about a year later, Donghyuck was born. Their ages never bothered each other, though—after all, it was only a year, right?

Mark and Donghyuck were the best of friends, they just clicked like they did with no one else and they always had. Mark had always been the quieter of the two, Donghyuck being the ball of energy that he was, so Donghyuck was the one to stand up for himself and for Mark when either of the two needed it. Mark had always appreciated it, and he thanked Donghyuck by smiling at him gratefully or hugging him. The hugs were rare, though, Mark’s mom always told him not to get too touchy with boys after she saw him holding hands with Donghyuck one day. “God wouldn’t want to see you holding hands with another boy, sweetheart, so make sure not to do it again,” she’d said to him, which was the first time Mark ever experienced homophobia, even in that small dosage. It got worse when he grew up.

Mark’s family decided that, in the eighth grade, they would send Mark to a public school, the same school Donghyuck went to. Donghyuck was ecstatic at the fact that his best friend would be at school with him. Once Mark got his schedule and shared his classes with Donghyuck, he’d told Mark about all the things they would do during their shared study hall and during lunch. And, without fail, Mark and Donghyuck goofed off together during their shared periods; not too much to cause trouble, but enough to amuse the both of them and keep their friendship going strong.

The second time Mark experienced homophobia, he was in eighth grade. He and Donghyuck were fooling around during study hall, Mark tickling and jabbing Donghyuck’s sensitive sides as Donghyuck writhed and giggled in his seat. From across the hall, the two known jerks of their grade had shouted, “Go be fags somewhere else!” which had immediately stopped Mark’s ministrations. His cheeks heated up and he backed away from Donghyuck with wide eyes, dropping back down in his seat and staring straight forward, not looking at his best friend. Suddenly, a hand touched his shoulder and Mark flinched away from the touch.

“Mark? Hey, don’t listen to those idiots, they don’t know what they’re talking about and—”

“Just leave it, Donghyuck!” Mark whisper-shouted to his friend, causing a look of hurt to flash across his face. Donghyuck removed his hand and sat back down in his own seat, not talking for the rest of the period. The two didn’t speak for days after the incident, until Mark had approached him and apologized for being harsh.

“I-I’m just trying to say I’m sorry,” Mark muttered to his friend. Donghyuck simply smiled knowingly and pat the spot next to him.

“Come on, idiot. Eat lunch with me.” And that was that, they didn’t talk about it again.

When Mark got into high school, namely tenth grade, he was constantly surrounded with homophobia. He didn’t know why hearing the word “,” and “gay,” used as insults hurt him as much as they did, but he couldn’t control his emotions for some reason. But, Mark had Donghyuck and Donghyuck kept all the bad away, no matter what it was. If it was being yelled at by his parents and being forced to stay in his room and study the Bible or if it was stupid kids making fun of how easily Mark got riled up, Donghyuck was there and he loved Mark no matter what. Once Mark had said “damn,” in front of his parents when he burnt his hand on the stove and his parents kept him grounded for two weeks—no phone, no TV and no visiting friends, including Donghyuck. But they still saw each other at school, and Donghyuck always cheered Mark right up.

Sometimes, Mark hated how religious their families were. When they were watching horror movies, Donghyuck couldn’t hide in Mark’s shoulder in fear of one of their parents seeing and saying something about how boys shouldn’t do things like that together. But, Mark understood. Being gay was wrong and showing signs of being even slightly gay was wrong too—Mark prayed to Jesus and God every night, thanking them for making him heteroual.

Donghyuck was different. Every night, Donghyuck cried and prayed to whoever was up in the heavens and asked them to make him stop. He wanted to stop loving him, stop hurting and stop feeling the way he did. He didn’t know when this got so out of control, it started off with just a small crush—his heart beating faster every time he saw the boy smile, but soon enough he was deeply in love with the other and he hated it. Being gay was wrong and he wanted to be right, to be normal. He wanted to be attracted to girls and fall in love with a girl, but, even though he prayed every night, it never stopped. He never fell out of love with his best friend.

At the age of sixteen and fifteen, Mark and Donghyuck were baptized in their church. Mark had wanted this for a long time and he was giddy, excited to finally be at one with God. Donghyuck, on the other hand, was shaking with nerves until he saw Mark smiling and happy, all directed towards him. They were both dressed in ugly gowns made of swimsuit material, but neither of them really cared.

“Hyuck! Aren’t you excited? Oh, my, I’ve been waiting for this day for so long and I get to do this with my best friend? I couldn’t be happier!” Mark stated happily, his smile never faltering. Donghyuck relaxed and gave his best friend a tiny smile in return.

“Yeah, Markie. I’m really excited to do this with you, too.” Mark looked at his friend in concern. Donghyuck was usually the life of the party, the happy, bouncy kid that everyone loved, but today he looked almost sad. Mark didn’t know how he could be sad on such a day, but he rested his hand on his shoulder in a way to comfort him (but not before looking around to see if anyone was in the back room with them). When Mark heard the door open, his hand immediately dropped from Donghyuck’s shoulder and the younger boy was left feeling cold and sad again. Mark turned to the pastor and smiled.

“Pastor Lee,” he said, bowing respectively, Donghyuck following in suit. The pastor smiled at the two young boys and opened the door wider to fit all three of them.

“We’re ready for you two,” he said, walking through the door way and expecting the boys to follow, but Donghyuck stood statue still with wide eyes. He grabbed Mark’s arm, holding him from walking with the pastor and Mark turned around with questioning eyes—eyes darting back and forth from Donghyuck’s face to his hand enclosed tightly around his own arm.

“Hyuck?” he asked, eyes searching the other’s. Donghyuck opened his mouth, then bit his lip, dropping his hand from Mark’s arm to fiddle with the gown he was wearing.

“Let’s go,” Donghyuck said quietly, walking past Mark and following the pastor, leaving his confused best friend behind.

Later, during the baptism, the pastor asked if either boy had sins to confess before they were baptized. Donghyuck’s eyes lingered on Mark for a beat before looking up at his parents, who were both smiling with tears in their eyes. He knew in that moment, he’d never be able to be his true self and it utterly broke his young heart into pieces. He felt like sobbing, curling up in Mark’s arms and crying until he fell asleep, but instead, he answered the pastor.

“No, I have no sins to confess.”

When Mark was in eleventh grade, he started to notice Donghyuck. He noticed the way Donghyuck smiled, the way he giggled and laughed happily with their friend group. He noticed the look in Donghyuck’s eyes when he looked or talked to his own self, and it scared him. But, what scared him even more was the way Donghyuck, his Hyuck, began hanging out with Renjun more frequently. The way he started sitting next to Renjun instead of Mark during lunch. Mark noticed the way Donghyuck threw his arm over Renjun’s shoulder and whispered in his ear, watching carefully as Renjun and Donghyuck giggled happily together. Mark didn’t know why in hell his heart hurt, but it really did, and Mark just wanted it to stop. He wanted Donghyuck to only laugh and he wanted to keep the way Donghyuck looked at him all for himself. Mark didn’t want anyone else seeing that look in Donghyuck’s eyes, that look of admiration mixed with love and respect. He wanted Donghyuck to look at only him with that look, not anyone else—especially Renjun.

Mark thought he was losing his best friend, until one day, Donghyuck came to his house sobbing and shaking.

“Hyuck? Hyuck! Come on, come upstairs and tell me what’s wrong,” Mark said quietly, shooting a concerned look to his mother, who just ushered them upstairs. She closed the door behind them, trusting her son to have the door closed. Donghyuck continued to cry, shoulder moving up and down with his sobs and his entire body shaking. His cries sounded more like wails and they were loud enough to wake up the whole neighborhood. Mark couldn’t really make out what he was saying, since it was all jumbled with his cries, but he caught the words, “parents,” “gay,” and “hate.” Mark was confused to say the least, but all he could do was rub his best friend’s back comfortingly as he sobbed into his neck.

About half an hour later, Donghyuck’s sobs had calmed down to whimpers and Mark decided to ask him what had happened.

“Hyuck? What’s wrong?” he asked. He was honestly quite scared to hear the answer. Mark could piece the pieces together well enough in his head, he didn’t really need his friend to tell him what happened.

“Mark…” Donghyuck whimpered, lifting his head to look his bet friend in the eye. His eyes were red and swollen, tear tracks ran down his face and his lips looked dry, but Mark thought he was still the most beautiful person he’d ever met.

“Hyuck, what is it?” Mark asked, more determination in his voice than before. Donghyuck’s lip trembled before he decided to speak in a wavering voice.

“Mark, can I stay with you for a while?” was all he asked, and Mark knew it. Mark knew what had happened, the pieces all fell together to make a completed puzzle. He was gay. His best friend was gay. He should be disgusted, right? Being gay is wrong, so, so, very wrong, but Mark only felt happiness. He was happy his friend came to him, not Renjun, he came to Mark for shelter. And Mark was happy to give him that.

Mark nodded and pulled his friend into a hug, tucking Donghyuck’s head under his chin.

“It’s okay, Donghyuck. I love you,” Mark said quietly, petting Donghyuck’s hair while his free hand rubbed his back. “I’ll always love you, you’re my best friend.” Mark continued to comfort his best friend as his sobs picked up again, crying into Mark’s neck while his whole body shook.

That night, Mark had an argument with his mother over letting Donghyuck stay because he didn’t tell her why, he just told her it’s what he needed. His mother agreed after much convincing and promising, and he went back upstairs, met with the sight of his best friend sleeping soundly in his bed. He pulled a blanket out of his closet and carefully grabbed a pillow off of his bed, throwing it on the floor.

“Mark,” came Donghyuck’s tired grumble. Mark looked over to his best friend, who was rubbing his eyes and sitting up in the bed. “Can you… sleep with me?” Donghyuck asked hesitantly. Mark bit his lip. He knew it was wrong, he knew it, but he nodded nonetheless. One night couldn’t hurt, he reasoned. He slipped into bed with Donghyuck and laid beside him, not moving at all as he closed his eyes.

“Mark?” Donghyuck asked quietly, causing Mark to hum quietly in return. “Thank you,” he said, closing his eyes and falling back into a dream filled sleep. Mark couldn’t sleep, though, so he stayed awake in bed, staring at the ceiling until exhaustion took over his body.

The next morning, Mark woke up cuddling something warm and soft. He groaned and buried his face into the mess of hair in front of his face. He breathed in the calming, floral scent and relaxed while his arm tightened around the body next to him.

Suddenly, his eyes snapped open. He jerked back so quickly, that it caused him to fall out of bed with a shout. Donghyuck shot up in bed and looked behind him, not seeing Mark by him. He leaned over the bed, looking at his best friend who was laying on the floor with wide eyes. Mark stood up and ran his hand through his hair.

“We can’t sleep together again. That’s wrong,” he said, not thinking about what it meant before he said it. Donghyuck looked at him, a hurt look crossing his face.

“Wrong? How is it wrong?” Donghyuck asked, a bitter edge to his voice. Mark swallowed and chose his next words carefully.

“I’m… I don’t know,” he said, frustrated that he couldn’t get his point across without hurting his best friend. He didn’t want to say it was wrong, that wasn’t the right word, but Mark wasn’t gay, and he didn’t see Donghyuck in that way. Instead of saying something like, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant. I just don’t want my parents to see us and freak out. I love you, what you feel or what you are isn’t wrong, Mark said something along the lines of this.

“I don’t feel comfortable,” he blurted out, eyes widening at what he just said. He covered his mouth and stared at Donghyuck, who looked at his best friend with a blank face.

“You know what?” the younger said, standing up from the bed and facing Mark. He glared at Mark, eyes narrowing down into dangerous slits. “If I make you uncomfortable, that’s fine,” he said with a fake smile, grabbing his jacket from Mark’s desk chair and sliding it onto himself. “You don’t have to be friends with me. You don’t have to be seen with me, talk to me or cuddle with me, which was your move, by the way. You grabbed me in the middle of the night, I didn’t make you do that.” Mark’s mouth was hanging wide open at this point and his eyes were open as wide as they could be.

“H-Hyuck,” he started, but Donghyuck stopped him.

“No, Mark. It’s fine. If you don’t want to be friends with a gay kid, it’s fine. I understand,” he said, his façade faltering into sadness for a beat before he bounced back to being angry. “I don’t want to be friends with someone who judges me for something as trivial as my uality,” he said coldly, storming out of Mark’s room. Mark chased him down the stairs, calling out his name as he panicked.

“Hyuck! Stop for a second, let me apologize!” But Donghyuck didn’t stop, he just kept jogging down the stairs to the front door. He slipped his shoes on and opened the front door. “Hyuck, where will you stay?” Mark asked desperately, but he only got a glare in return.

“Renjun,” was all he said before the door slammed shut. Mark was left standing there with a sad, aching heart—why? He didn’t know. All he knew was that now, his best friend trusted someone else to take care of him more than he trusted Mark to take care of him.

And it was all Mark’s fault.

Donghyuck gave Mark the cold shoulder for two weeks until Mark caved and became desperate. In one of their shared classes, Donghyuck asked to be excused to go to the bathroom, and Mark followed him. He wasn’t proud of it, but he was desperate. He was about to burst through the door when he heard a sob come from inside the bathroom. He opened the door very slightly, as not to be seen or heard, and listened closely.

“R-Renjun, he h-hates me,” came the familiar cries of Mark’s best friend. His heart broke at the pain in Donghyuck’s voice, but he continued to listen quietly.

Another sob was heard, then Renjun’s voice came, “Have you thought about telling him how you feel? There’s no point in you hurting more and I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Hyuck.” Hyuck is my nickname for him, not yours. “He feels the same way as you, please just tell him,” Renjun begged, making Mark question what they were talking about. How did Donghyuck feel? Why did Renjun know Mark felt the same way?

“I-I can’t tell him I’m in love with him, do you know what he’d say to me?” Mark backed away from the door with wide eyes. In love? With him? Donghyuck was in love with him? That was impossible, they couldn’t love each other, not in that way. That was wrong, and Mark knew it, so instead of confronting or comforting his crying friend when he needed him most, he ran back to class and sat quietly in his seat, pretending he didn’t hear anything.

But, a weird thing happened afterwards. Mark couldn’t stop staring at Donghyuck. He never realized how breathtaking his best friend was. His tan skin practically glowed in the sunlight and his eyes shone with happiness when he was around Renjun.

Renjun.

The name brought a bitter taste into Mark’s mouth. Donghyuck was now living with Renjun and the two were as thick as thieves. They never left the other’s side and Mark was starting to get annoyed with that. He always saw Renjun and Donghyuck together—they sat next to each other at lunch, they talked during study hall and, worst of all, Mark lived near Renjun and Donghyuck both, and he always saw Donghyuck walking home with Renjun. It broke Mark’s heart to lose his best friend, the kid he’d known and taken care of since before he could remember. But, he was too scared to approach him after what he’d heard Donghyuck say to Renjun.

At least he isn’t dating Renjun, a voice in the back of his head called, practically mocking Mark. Mark shook his head. He didn’t care who Donghyuck dated. Well, maybe he did a little, but it was only because Mark looked out for people he loved, and he didn’t like Renjun. That’s it.

Mark was handling the change horribly, he had to admit, and his breaking point came one day at lunch. Renjun and Donghyuck were being giggly and happy together, as usual, and for some reason today, Mark had just woken up on the wrong side of the bed. He was annoyed at everyone and everything and he just wanted to go home. He wanted to crawl into bed and cry about how he lost his best friend, cry about how confused and conflicted he felt, but he powered through the school day.

It was when Renjun leaned in close to whisper in Donghyuck’s ear, making Donghyuck giggle at whatever was said, when Renjun’s hand landed on Donghyuck’s knee. Mark snapped.

His fist collided with the table with a loud thud, making everyone at the table look in his direction, alerted. Mark glared at Renjun’s hand on Donghyuck’s knee, willing the hand to slide right off, but it never did. Mark looked up at Renjun’s face, who was staring back at him with a glare on his face also. Mark’s glare darkened, and his lip curled ever so slightly in anger.

“Um, Mark? Is everything alright?” asked Jaemin. He was staring at Mark with a concerned look on his face, worried that something had angered his friend.

Mark just continued to glare at Renjun, until he stood up and walked around the table, grabbing Donghyuck’s arm and pulling him up from the table. Donghyuck stumbled, grabbing onto Mark for balance, and looking at his best friend in alarm. Mark silently pulled Donghyuck away from their friends and into the boy’s bathroom. There was no one inside, which Mark made sure of, so he turned to Donghyuck and glared at the ground.

“Do you love Renjun more than you love me now?” Mark asked, eyes not leaving the ground below Donghyuck’s feet. Donghyuck shifted and slowly shook his head, until he realized Mark couldn’t see.

“N-No, Mark. I could never love anyone as much as I love you.” Donghyuck sighed when Mark didn’t move a muscle, he stepped towards his best friend and tilted his face upwards to he could look at him. Mark looked down slightly into Donghyuck’s eyes, staring into his best friend’s dark orbs. They held so many emotions in them; love, fear, longing. Mark’s heart broke all over again seeing the pain in his Donghyuck’s eyes.

Why? Why can’t you tell me you love me? Are you that afraid of me? Do you think I won’t love you back? Because I do—I love you so, so much.

Mark’s eyes began watering. His parents, his church, his school. They all made him hate himself. He hated himself. What was wrong with being gay? What was wrong with loving someone so unbelievably beautiful that you ended up loving them on a deeper level? What the was wrong with that?

“Nothing,” Mark mumbled aloud, tears escaping his eyes. He looked at Donghyuck with determination on his face. “Nothing, Donghyuck. There’s nothing wrong with being gay. There’s nothing wrong with loving me especially when I—” Mark cut off, choking on a sob before smiling and saying, “Especially when I love you just as much. In every way.” Donghyuck hugged Mark to his chest, not knowing what to say, because Mark wasn’t in love with him. He never will be, he’ll never be anything other than straight. But his support was enough.

After a few minutes of Mark crying and Donghyuck holding him, Mark pushed away from him, looking down into his eyes again. He smiled though his eyes were still wet and as were his cheeks.

“Donghyuck?” he whispered quietly, not wanting to ruin the moment with a loud voice. Donghyuck swallowed at the emotions reflecting in Mark’s eyes.

“Yes?” he asked, just as quiet.

“Can I—um…” Mark fumbled with his words, suddenly looking nervous and scared. He bit his lip and stared into Donghyuck’s eyes, searching for any sign of apprehension. When he found none, he continued. “Can I kiss you?” he asked in a faint voice. Donghyuck’s eyes widened noticeably and a lump formed in his throat, but he nodded nonetheless.

Mark slowly leaned in, staring into Donghyuck’s eyes until his lips brushed against his best friend’s. Their eyes slid shut at the same time, and Mark pressed his lips harder against Donghyuck’s. Mark felt like he was floating, his head felt light and there were sparks shooting up behind his eyelids. Donghyuck was no different than Mark. His heart threatened to beat out of his chest and his breathing had picked up, but he kissed Mark back eagerly. Their lips moved in sync with one another until it slowed down to small pecks on each other’s lips.

When Mark pulled back to look at Donghyuck, they both had a fresh blush painting their cheeks. Donghyuck’s eyes fluttered open and he smiled at Mark, a breathtaking, heart stopping, beautiful smile that made Mark’s heart beat that much faster.

“Mark? Does this mean we’re… dating?” Donghyuck asked hesitantly, suddenly looking shy. Mark smiled and nodded, pulling Donghyuck to his chest in a tight hug.

“Yeah, Donghyuck. We’re dating,” he said confidently.

Later that week, Mark was struggling. He was standing in the living room in front of his parents about to tell them the good news (well, good for him, not them). He was fiddling nervously with his sleeves, until Donghyuck rested his hand on Mark’s knee. Mark’s parents gave the hand on their son’s knee a wary look, eyeing the two of them judgmentally. Mark took a deep breath and looked to his mother.

“Mom. Dad. I’m panual.” There it was, the big secret he’d been hiding from everyone, including himself, for most of his life. His shoulders sank in relief and he smiled happily, though he knew the worst was about to come.

“Gay? You’re gay?” his father asked, a look of pure disgust on his face. Mark’s heart sank. Of course they’d react like this. Mark shook his head in denial because, no, he wasn’t gay. Gay for Donghyuck, maybe.

“No, Dad. I like more than just one gender, I like all genders, actually. But, most importantly, I’m dating Donghyuck,” he stated proudly, hand coming to rest on Donghyuck’s atop his knee. Donghyuck smiled encouragingly at him, rubbing his knee. “I know this is a lot, but—”

“Get out. I don’t want or need a gay son, so just get out.” Mark’s mom looked conflicted, like she wanted to say something else, but she stayed silent and Mark took that as his cue to leave. His eyes were watering, and his fists were clenched at his side as he walked up to his room to pack a few things. When he came back downstairs, his parents were arguing in whispered voices and only stopped when he coughed. Mark’s mom glared at his father, but walked over to Mark and wrapped him up in a hug.

“Just give him a few days, Marky. He’ll come around,” she whispered to him. Mark smiled gratefully, letting a few tears fall as he hugged his mother. When she let go, she smiled down at him and released him. Mark grabbed his bag and walked out the door with his boyfriend, hand in hand.

Sadly, they were staying with Renjun. Mark was still wary of him, due to how close he was with his boyfriend. But, after Renjun threatened to bury Mark in separate pieces throughout Korea if he hurt Donghyuck, Mark had slightly warmed up to him. Only slightly, but it was still something.

That night, when Renjun was fast asleep and Mark was holding a sleeping Donghyuck in his arms, he thought back to everything they’d been through. They were Mark and Donghyuck, Donghyuck and Mark. No one could separate them before and Mark intended to make sure no one separated them in the future. He loved Donghyuck and he wouldn’t change a single part of their relationship—the good, the bad and the ugly.

He loved Donghyuck, and that was that.

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