I believe in resurrection; someone or something that’s dead that came to life again. And I believe that our relationship that has been dead can also be resurrected—it can be restored.

 

Wonpil exhales a soft breath to ease the tiny pinch on his heart. Moving his arm from his face, that’s been covering his eyes, he takes a gulp while he stares blankly at the ceiling.

 

He lazily moves his head and gazes the alarm clock that’s a few feet away from him. Two minutes before it goes off. He lets his tongue graze on his lower lip for quite a while before he finally gets up and shuffles his hair. It’s been almost a year. His adam’s apple shifts down as he gulps with a bitter taste.

 

“Meet me after an hour” he demands after he heard the ‘hello’ from the other line. He called him.

 

He didn’t bother mention a place because he knows the other person knows where to see him.

 

It’s been almost a year since he had his friendship break up with Jae. He had his heart broken so many times but it was never shattered into very tiny pieces, that it’s almost impossible to get them back together, before their friendship ended; not even when his parents separated; not even when he got rejected by his big time crush or got dumped by his exes.

 

His relationship with Jae was unbreakable; or so they thought.

 

Jae was highly respected in the university and loved by everyone because of their potentials. He’s wise and intelligent. Although Wonpil’s the same, Jae was treated a little bit more highly than him. Maybe because of his aura or maybe because people think he’s quite out of their leagues because he came from affluent family. He’s sanguine, though. He’s joyful, lively and always excited. Wonpil’s more of phlegmatic. He’s also lively at times but more calm and harmonious, stable and placid.

 

Jae was miserable about the invisible wall that people were building around him. They were skeptical on approaching him and only Wonpil knew what he truly felt.

 

On a cold and breezy night, with the group they’re in for their school trip, Wonpil bit Jae’s arm without a warning. Everyone was shocked by his action like it’s something that shouldn’t be done—more like something they couldn’t do; they couldn’t almost lay a finger on him.

 

“Why do you guys have such surprised expression?” He creased his forehead and eyed Jae before turning his gaze back at them “Oh! Because I bit Jae?” He let out a chortle “C’mon guys, what are you all being so reserved about? You can do it, too! You can also do this to him”, he encouraged as he hit Jae’s head “And this!” he continued as he pushed him away before shrugging a shoulder to them letting them see that they should just treat Jae like how they treat others.

 

They were expecting for Jae to get mad but he faced them with a big smile plastered on his face “That’s true guys. I was actually always sad and feel out of place when you don’t do to me what you usually do to other people”, Jae admitted.

 

Since then, people became more comfortable with Jae and the latter didn’t feel out of place anymore. The invisible wall eventually faded but Wonpil was still the one who knew him best. He could still tell what Jae thinks even without uttering a single word. He could see everything Jae’s trying to hide to everyone because the latter was only transparent to him.

 

They do things like a couple; if they’re not just both guys, people would think that they’re in a relationship; some even think they’re both gay and are in a relationship. They’re just one call or text away from each other. They would have random dates. One would bring food for the other. One could sacrifice anything when the other needs time and company. They always fool around and even do dangerous things; they’d break rules in school and even at each other’s household; despite being respected, they became mischievous and quite troublesome.

 

Sometimes, they get tired of life. Sometimes, one would think about ending his without the other’s knowing; but they couldn’t do it at all—not when the other would be left alone; not when the other would lose a shoulder he could lean on.

 

They’re connected. They’re one. They’re each other’s missing piece.

 

But things went out of hand from a little miscommunication. It became bigger and bigger. They’re not connecting. Their spirits are clashing. Wonpil started making distance and Jae started feeling alone. The former didn’t want to keep that distance, he didn’t want to give a gap but somehow, no matter how he wants to close that space and break that wall between them, he doesn’t know how.

 

They talk and even smile to each other. But the intimacy’s gone.

 

Wonpil takes the envelope lying on his table and puts it carefully in his bag before leaving his dormitory. He paces to their usual place carrying a heavy heart and a light head. He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly as his shaking digits hug the glass door’s handle of their meeting point.

 

He is surprised to see the familiar figure sitting on the usual spot with two drinks on the table. He breathes deeply once again but his heavy heart isn’t getting any lighter.

 

Jae beams when Wonpil is just a few feet away from the table. “Yo!” The latter greets back with a tight smile as he takes his seat.

 

Jae, not wanting the atmosphere to be awkward (as usual) starts to share stories right away. They chatter for almost half an hour, mostly Jae speaking, before he finally asks why Wonpil wanted to meet.

 

The younger looks away and rests his gaze on his wrist to check the time. He looks outside and sees a familiar car. Just in time. He bites his lower lip and musters up some courage and energy to speak up. Taking a gulp, he takes the envelope from his bag and slides it on the table.

 

“Here”, he utters before pressing his lips together, forming a thin line. He clears his throat before speaking again and as he prepares to leave, “just read it. I’ll get going now, my sister’s here” Without landing another look, Wonpil stands and strides toward the car outside.

 

Jae’s gaze follows the back of the younger. He clenches his jaw as his slender fingers play with the envelope. I was left alone again. He lets his back rest on the couch as he exhales a sharp breath. He turns the paper container multiple times, contemplating whether to read it now, read it later, tear it or throw it.

 

He runs a hand through his hair as he exhales once more to calm himself before finally opening the envelope. He carefully takes the sheet of paper out. Biting his lower lip, he flips the sheet open.

 

I miss you.

 

His chest tightens. His breathing hitches. It’s just three words, one sentence, first line, and his tears are already teasing to travel down his face. His long thin fingers start to quiver as he continues to read.

 

I miss you everyday. There are moments when I was so irritated by you. There are times when I think I hate you. But I just couldn’t lie to myself.

 

I miss our dates. I miss the random texts. I miss it when you just stand there beside me and I’d cling unto you. I miss it when you pinch my nose for no reason. I miss being a call or a text away from you. I miss asking you what food you’d like to have or buying them without you knowing to surprise you. And I miss it when you’re the one who does that, too.

 

Although I was okay, I felt contented, something’s just not right. Ironic. I was contented even when I was away from you but it felt like a part of me is missing. Can’t help it, we were one. And being apart just doesn’t feel right.

 

I thought that maybe it was fate that’s trying to hinder us, but it was me keeping the distance. It was hard. It was hard trying to break that wall when I’m unconsciously building it myself. It was hard being alone but it was harder thinking you don’t have anyone who understands you fully. I was hurting but I know you were, too. I hated myself because I should be the one easing your pain but I was the one causing it instead.

 

It was hard seeing you but it was hellish not holding you even when you’re just few feet away from me. It was difficult not asking you how are you but it was hellacious when I see you smile knowing you’re not fine. I wanted to enclose you in my arms, tell you it’s gonna be alright, tell you you’ve done enough and you did well. I wanted to make you feel secured and loved but I made you feel neglected and left alone instead.

 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being the person you’ve known. I’m sorry for not doing the things I used to and the things you were expecting me to. I’m sorry for leaving you again. I’ll be leaving Korea and I don’t know when I’ll be back. I don’t even know if we’ll see each other again.

 

Remember when you told me that it’s already over? That this friendship is already dead? Well, guess what. I believe in resurrection; someone or something that’s dead that came to life again. And I believe that our relationship that has been dead can also be resurrected—it can be restored.

 

I don’t know when and where but I know it will happen. We may see each other or not, but I’m sure that friendship will be restored.

 

Like I said, during the times that we have this gap, I thought there were moments that I hated you. Sometimes I wish that I hadn’t met you because the pain of our friendship break up was unbearable. But I just love you too much to actually don’t give a about you. I just love you too much to ask myself that if it’s possible to feel this way to a friend.

 

Do I just love you as a friend? Being in hell and having my heart shattered into tiny pieces, is it possible to just feel this way because of a friend?

 

I love you, Jae. And I miss you too damn much.

 

Goodbye.

 

PS. I have a note for you every single day since we started having this gap. There are 319 notes in my journal that I put in your locker yesterday. I hope you could read them all.

 

With trembling hands, Jae wipes the tears that streamed down his face. He swiftly leaves the place and hails a cab. When he arrives at Wonpil’s house, no one is around.

 

“Jae!?”, a familiar voice exclaims. It was Wonpil’s neighbor. She’s creasing her forehead and if she notices that Jae cried, she decides not to mention it “They’re moving. They’re probably already at the airport since an hour ago. Didn’t Pil tell you?”

 

“Where are they moving to?”, his voice cracks

 

“I—I don’t know, Jae. I’m sorry”

 

He runs immediately and tries to find another cab to take him to the airport. By the time he arrives, a plane just took off and another one is going to in few minutes. He runs around the place trying to find his figure. He is running out of breath and is already soaked by his sweat.

 

It was no dice even an hour after. He slumps on his bed as he lets his self drown in tears, loneliness and pain.

 

A week passed when he suddenly remembers the journal. He seldom opens his locker and he was busy suffocating himself in misery last week. He hurriedly runs back to the campus and opens his locker. He stares at the notebook for, more or less, a minute before finally taking it.

 

Day 06
The pushing-and-pulling everyday is frustrating. The one who’s seemingly close, but distant. Yeah, it’s you. Day after day I become filled with you. I see you even when I close my eyes. Everything is tinted with you.

 

Day17
In the middle of the night, I always think of where you are. By now, do you think of me, too? The smiling you, I will keep inside of me. Now, in front of me, whatever is there, whatever happens, I don’t give a damn. Night or day, when I’m outside or inside, there is nobody and I’m all alone. Night or day, when I’m inside or outside, my day is covered with darkness shadowed by you.

 

He flips and reads every page with a load on his chest. His lips quiver as he sees some dried tears on some sheets. He stops reading after Day 20 and decides to read one each day.

 

Day39
I shouldn’t be alone again like this tonight. Another day has passed why am I always standing in the same place? I’m waiting for you.

 

Day52
I’m lost right now. I’m in the same place waiting for you to hold my hand. I’m tied to you. I’m in the same place. Either untie me or pull me closer. Waitin’ all day.

 

Day185
The words that you left in my heart still hurts me. When I see someone on the street who looks like you, I would get irritated with myself. The small little pieces of familiar memories, it’s impossible to return to them so easily, isn’t it? We loved and hurt each other at the same degree. Even if we were able to fix it temporarily, in the end it still falls to the same ending. The piece of memory crashed onto the floor as I don’t want to see that memory anymore.

 

Day319
You were beautiful; your eyes that looked at me; your voice that called out to me. Everything to me, everything about you were beautiful. The feeling of not wanting anything more. Moments that only you gave me. Everything has passed but you and our memories were beautiful. I think of you everyday. Should I call you up? There were a lot of times I thought that but I know it’s already over.

 

After almost 10 months, 299 days have already passed but there’s still no trace of Wonpil. Jae can’t get hold of him—not even Facebook, twitter or any sns. He can’t seem to contact any of his family, too.

 

As he closes the notebook and hides it in one of the drawers of his table, he exhales a sharp breath and lets his tongue travel on his lower lip from one side to the other. He raises his arm and rests the back of his hand on his face, covering his eyes.

 

I believe in resurrection, too. Because the love I have for you that I thought have died when you started keeping distance was resurrected when I knew you love me, too. Or maybe that love didn’t even die in the first place. I just convinced myself that I hated you because I’m hurting from loving you so much. . I’m doomed.

 

I love you, Pil. And I miss you, too. I miss you too damn much.

 

Please come back and resurrect this heart. I feel dead without you.

​​​​​---

I wanted to elaborate the conflict more but I didn't want it to get any longer so I edited it to make it shorter ; did not proofread so excuse the mistakes. 

​​​​​​Notes are lyrics of Day6 songs ofc

Day 06 - You

Day 17 - Eyeless

Day39 - I Can

(Creds: Jacks/@jaelavie on twt)

Day52 - I wait

Day185 - If we meet again

Day319 - You were beautiful (changed it a bit)