I curl up in my nest of blankets. The TV is on and Iye is curled up in my lap. I don't pay much attention to the tv, more of my attention is on the cat. I the cat slowly, sipping from the glass of wine in my hand. My mind is empty, it feels like I have a thousand pound rock on top of me. A tear rolls down my cheek, everything is moving so fast. Youngbae is already married, Seunghyun is back in the military, I'm enlisting soon. The last year had been good, but my anxiety wasn't the best, I know my weight fluctuates and that it scares people around me. I pet Iye from head to tail, showering the cat with slow falling tears. 

Before I know it my wine bottle is halfway empty. I lay on the couch on my back and Iye has found a comfortable spot on the middle of my stomach. My eyes are closed and my face is red. I hug the cat, still him. An unexpected knock echoes through my apartment. I jump up, Iye bites me. I jump onto my feet and wipe my face. I cover my body with a blanket before answering the door.

"HYUUUNG..." Seungri jumps to hug me, but stops half jump. "Were you crying?"
"No, " I say covering my face.
"What's wrong hyung?" Seungri asked, grabbing my hands and moving them away from my face.
"Nothing, why are you even coming over at 10 pm?" I say walking into my apartment 
"I just wanted to hang out, but seriously, what's wrong Jiyoungie-hyung?" Seungri says, sitting down next to me, almost on top of Iye. 
"Fine, I'll tell you, but this is just between us okay?" I say.
"Of course Jiyong, you can tell me anything"

"Well, you know of my anxiety, right?"
"Yeah."
"Well, okay as of late, I feel my anxiety getting worse and I really can't put my finger on the reason. There are just so many things happening, Bae is married, Seunghyung is back in the military, my enlistment rapidly approaches, our track is about to be realased and we won't even be able to perform it for 2 or so years." I feel my tears start to flow again. "It just feels like I am being pushed into so many things right now"

By now Seungri has wrapped his arms around me and I sob into his chest. "Everything is just happening so fast." 

We sit there in a cucoon of sobs. Seungris arms wrapped around me, Iye laying between us, my tears soaking Ri's shirt.
"Sorry, " I say, pulling back "Your shirt is all wet now"  I start to wipe my eyes and try to dry the wetness from his shirt with the end of my sleeve.
"It's okay, I can wash it, just let it all out" He says and pulls me back to his chest.
"Don't you feel it, Seungri? Don't you feel like our time is slipping away?"
"Yes, I do, but we can't focus on the negative. Look on the bright side our single will release soon, maybe it will be a big hit and keep Big Bang in peoples minds."
"You're right, maknae, maybe it will" I say looking at his face. He looks young as ever, even though he is bare faced I like how he looks. You can see every crease in his face. His dark circles, his youthful eyes, his eyes were always my favorite, dark yet so pretty. I look away from him and see my reflection in a mirror across the room. My eyes are swollen and my face is red from crying. My sobs have dried out. I feel empty, what a shell of a man I am.

"Jiyong?" 
"Yeah?"
"I love you." 
"I love you too, maknae" I say and lay onto his chest.
"No, I mean it."
"What?" I am taken aback from the sudden confession. I see the look on his face. He's serious.
"Really, I mean it."
"Since when?"
"Since way back, when we were teenagers"
"Seunghyun." I address him by his real name as I feel it's more appropriate "Why haven't you told me sooner?"
"I don't know. Honestly, I never thought it was the right time."
"You're telling me over the last 12 or 13 years that we have known each other you never thought there was the right time?"
"Yeah, well you see I didn't want it to distract you or make you uncomfortable, so I just thought i wouldn't tell you."
"You are such an idiot Seingri"
"What do you mean?" Seungri said, looking me in the eyes?"
"I love you too"
"What?"
"Are you seriously telling me you didn't know? After all these years of me teasing you on stage and poking fun at you in interviews, you didn't catch the hint."
"I thought it was simply that, you were teasing me. Why didn't you tell me then?"
"I could ask you the same thing. But honestly I thought you were straight so I didn't see a reason to tell you."

We sit in a comfortable silence for a bit. I lay back onto his chest and bring my legs up to my chest. We lay there for some time. Iye has fallen asleep between us. The tv has turned itself off from no activity in a while. I feel as I could just fall asleep then and there. I look at the clock on my wall. It's half past midnight. I rise up from Seungri.
"Do you want some wine?"
"Sure"

I get up and go to grab a glass for Seungri. I stand in the kitchen for a bit releasing a deep sigh. All of a sudden I feel someone hug me. I turn around and return the hug. Its sweet, soft, silent. 
"Thank you, " I whisper, not wanting to break the silence.
"For what?"
"For everything maknae." 

Seungris doesn't respond, but tighteneds his hug. We stand in my kitchen in complete silence. I feel myself start crying again. I try to hide it, but he seems to notice right away.
"It's okay, " Seungri says "just let it out, " he rubs my back soothingly as I cry into his chest. 

As soon as I feel my tears start to dry out I look up from his chest. He is starting right at me.
"Sorry, " I say looking away. He doesn't respond. I close my eyes and feel a tear rolling down my face. He hates me now. I can feel him, judging me. Why am I like this. This was all a mis-. I am pulled back from my train of thought by a pair of soft lips press against mine. I panic my eyes shoot open. I freeze completely. After a second I respond to the kiss. It's soft, calm, romantic. I feel as if I'm on a cloud. All my worries fly away. The only thing that matters is that I am with him in this second. Seungri breaks the kiss.
"Everything will be okay. You are going to be okay. I am here for you"