All Night

I like to party
Ooh, you already know
All night, all night
Alright, we’re gonna laugh and party
‘Cause we hot & sweet baby

For the first time in 5 months, Tiffany came back to Korea.

Tiffany was apparently better, much, much better than she was a year ago. She learned to embrace her mistakes and how to go easy on herself. She went to Disneyland on a monthly basis, and she had brunch with unlimited mimosa every Sunday. She took up acting, modern dance, writing, and toggling with the coolest sound engineering machines there were in the world. She was doing what she loved, got to see her sister whenever she felt like, and at the end of the day, she had someone to go home with and talked about music and films and the correlating industries.

When a few errands came up and she finally had some free time (along with a sense of closure), she decided to come back with her boyfriend to visit for a week. She wanted to see her friends and the girls to catch up on the conversations that text messages and facetime sessions could never convey. She also thought she was finally ready to face one person.

Strangely, Taeyeon never texted her first. They exchanged occasional texts and Tiffany called after the funeral, saying that she couldn’t get a ticket in time. As someone so fond of attention, she thought she needed more from Taeyeon, her best friend of 14 years, but she understood the reservation. She knew they didn’t say goodbye on amicable terms, and their current predicament left much to be desired. She missed Taeyeon and her life in Korea, to the point that it was hard for her to function normally in LA, but every day she tried to push the thoughts of her and their past further and further away in her mind.

Before she left Seoul, they had bought identical apartment 6 floors above and below each other’s in the same complex. “Do you really have to?” asked Taeyeon when she bought her place, “why can’t you just stay with me?” The fact was, she never told Taeyeon, but she couldn’t stay with her. Not when Taeyeon was still holding the pieces of her broken heart.

Therefore, this was how it turned out to be. She bridged thousands of miles and came to six floors above where Taeyeon lived, boyfriend in tow, but unsure of how to face her most important memory.

-/-

When the summer electricity tickles my ear
When the fireworks in your eyes shake
Like a fool, I fall in love with you again
All night, all night, all night

For the first 6 days, Tiffany showed her boyfriend around. She took him to the café she and the girls frequented, to the little indie studio she used to sneak out to without her company knowing. He took her to meet a few people, and she already had a handful of things to deal with when she got back. Every time they got in and out of her place, she would make sure that Taeyeon wouldn’t pass her path. He flew back to the States for a schedule, and she was left to deal with Seoul by herself.

Her pictures even got published. Her friends texted her, demanding to meet up. Many but one.

She had delayed meeting the girls until the last day. Knowing she could not escape, she started sending out personal messages to a selected, reliable few. Once she got the first response from maknae, she had the justification to text the group chat.

“Hey, Seohyun was going to come over this afternoon at 2. Andddddd… I’m leaving tomorrow. Let’s have a get together at my place.”

-/-

I wanna ask how you’ve been
But really, you look so good
I just smiled too
Smile together

Tiffany thought she was going to be fine, when Taeyeon showed up at her door and gave her a hug after she buzzed her in. But just like her prediction for the 2016 election, she was so dangerously wrong.

She couldn’t blame her for showing up the earliest. It was already magical how she could hide from her the past week.

Taeyeon looked casual, but not less breath-taking, mostly because she hadn’t seen her for so long. She was wearing a dark, oversized sweatshirt over leggings, totally just for staying in, and she didn’t even bring a purse.

“Fany, good to see you. You look different. Good different. You look good.”

“Thank you. You too, Taeyeon-ah. I’m glad you made it.”

Taeyeon trailed off after they let go of each other. She had to, because she could burn from standing next to her for too long. They stood quietly in the kitchen, eyeing each other up and down. Moments of silence were disrupted by the chicken and pizza delivery rings.

Tteokbokki and bubble tea soon flocked in, along with Yoona, Sunny, Hyoyeon, Yuri, Sooyoung, and maknae. They each and all did a good job of lifting up her mood and keeping it away from wandering towards the murky lands of Taeyeon Thoughts. They blamed her for notifying too late, for not letting them meet her new beau. They complimented her hair color and asked about her future plans. Hyoyeon said she would come over soon.

Fact was, she missed them all so dearly, and there was so much from everyone to catch up on. She talked loudly over the mumbled chats to let everyone, especially Taeyeon, know about her new life in California. The other girls spent a few minutes with her in private to “small talk” and take pictures, but Taeyeon stayed in her corner, her legs propped on the chair.

They as a group took pictures and sent them and posted them on social media and waited for the likes and comments to shoot up like rockets.

After bubble tea came alcohol, as usual. Yuri wouldn’t let this opportunity slip for as long as she was alive. Ironically, alcohol was the final push to her confronting the person she had been avoiding all night.

-/-

Hey check check check check it, let it go
Chillin at this party tonight, it’s getting hotter
We don’t even know what to do
We’re just circling around each other
So drop it, just drop it on the floor

After a few mixed drinks, she was ready. Of course, Sooyoung could have kept her company for much longer, but they could always talk on the phone. She thought she felt Sooyoung push her to a specific corner of the room. Or her body might have gravitated itself toward that corner, she didn’t know.

She didn’t know either how she ended up on the couch in Taeyeon’s personal space, and Taeyeon in hers. Lucky for her, their hands were occupied. Otherwise, she didn’t think she could handle not reaching out for Taeyeon and pulling her on her lap. They both had one arm folded on the headrest of the couch, and the other holding an alcoholic drink – the source of their courage. She would pick up the drink, let the smell of alcohol invade her nose and mouth, then drop it. She didn’t want to drink away her reason to face Taeyeon. She couldn’t break from her gaze to go get a new drink. She needed to stay on this couch with Taeyeon for as long as she could.

“So you’ve been doing well.” Taeyeon spoke from behind her glass then lowered it, her gaze dropped to her thighs.

“Yes, yes I have.” She paused. “You heard?”

“Yes, I heard. The Rascals, huh?” Taeyeon looked up, eyes twinkled with a glint of genuine, child-like excitement. “Remember when you used to belt out Honeymoon Avenue around the dorm?”

“Haha. Long time, right?”

“Long time. You’ve come so far.”

Taeyeon was so calm, and she hated it. She hated how wild her thoughts were running in her head and how loud her heart was beating out of her chest, yet Taeyeon was so lovingly calm. Composed. Knowing. As if she could read through her despair.

“Thank you. I tried to stay positive.” For once, for me. “How about you, though? You didn’t really tell me about you.”

“I said it all in the chat room. Whatever you don’t get there, you can get on the news.” Taeyeon chuckled. Wine always made her giggly. “I was a train wreck. I still am, actually.”

Aren’t we all? “I’m sorry, Taeyeon.”

“Fany, my best, best friend.” Taeyeon might be mocking or might be joking, Tiffany couldn’t tell anymore. “I thought we are wayyyyyyyyy over this. I don’t need your pity.”

“I know you don’t. Just know that I fee-…”

“I need something quite different from you. Twisted, very stupid, a bit over the top. But I only need it from you.”

Tiffany wasn’t quite sure how to react. She gulped her words down with her drink. Too much Vodka. She hoped that Taeyeon would change the subject soon.

-/-

Your baby face just like that day
With that spicy wood scent that I like
Mysteriously, I’m being pulled into you
All night, all night, all night

To Tiffany’s relief, she did. Taeyeon started talking about Zero, the new puppy she adopted. She also talked about Switzerland, but Tiffany heard about it before she left. Maybe Taeyeon thought she didn’t remember, because back then she was already drifting apart?

Taeyeon would talk and pull up pictures from her phone, but Tiffany would just stare at her. She snuggled her head into the nook of her elbow and stared at Taeyeon. She didn’t remember how many European countries Taeyeon passed by. She didn’t mind how many people, Taeyeon herself included, found her frozen at the sight of Taeyeon, in the flesh, next to her, this close. Taeyeon looked the same. Her hair was still dark. Her hair was always dark when she was mad with the world. Her plump cheeks still looked like the softest pillows. She thought she heard Taeyeon mention considering getting back together with one of her exes. But her lips were so pink even when the lipstick had smudged on the wine glass. And she didn’t smell like alcohol, or cigarettes. She smelled like a cool stream of water that could wash away all of Tiffany’s worries about the outside world. G