The weak smile playing on the boy’s lips touched the man’s heart, its painfully slow beatings consumed him from the inside, mangling his persistent resistance against the boy. The wind danced his dark, dishevelled hair with ease, making a small, cheerful mood in the lightsome silence between them. It was broken only by the boy’s laughter as magical as birds twittering. His sweet voice reached the other’s soul, he looked down at his patient in wheelchair with a fond smile on his face. If he looked more closely, the boy’s cheeks were covered by light shade of red in the chilly breeze of the morning, his features welcomed the man with a strong desire to live, which unfortunately… was an insidious friend of the boy, if he dared to hope.

“Luhan hyung?” he called quietly, shaking him out of his own world of thoughts.

“Yes, Sehun-ah?”

“The doctor’s coming back with my result this afternoon.” his mumbling could be barely heard, as if he was afraid of the words’ weight.

“Are you worried that your condition has worsened?” Luhan inquired tensely, he couldn’t tell anymore that on which one of them this topic had a bigger impact; the boy, who has been fighting the deadly disease for nearly a year and a half, or him, who has been watching since the same amount of time as Sehun told his parents when his condition improves with full of hope, and it hit him as a lightning strike if it’s worsening apace.

“I walked out of here on my legs a week ago.” Sehun sighed resignedly, and Luhan’s hands were squeezing the wheelchair stronger. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, he didn’t want to hear about this, though he knew, he was perfectly aware of the seriousness of the things as a nurse, yet the options frightened him.

Why a hardly eighteen years old boy had to suffer like this? What sins did he commit against the world? And what did this world do for him, when he kept praying trustingly?

“Don’t think about this now, Sehun-ah! Just enjoy the nature, the spring sunshine, the still cool weather.” Luhan lifted his head up high, trying not to break down in front of Sehun, who only needed encouragement. Hope. Care.Because that’s what only left for him, nothing more.

“Next weekend is my birthday.”

“I know, dear, the twelfth of April.”

Sehun’s lips were pulled up in a smile so happily that Luhan had never seen before. A couple of seconds were enough for him to look at the boy’s face and see his beautiful smile. He loved that smile. It was full of life and happiness.

 

He opened his eyes abruptly, he needed a few seconds to blink to realize where he was and what was happening to him. He pressed his slightly open lips restlessly together, gulping down the bitter taste of his mouth that had been sticking with him since days now. His body shook at the thought that he would soon lose the person who meant the whole world for him. He shook his head to banish these negative thoughts which stormed into his mind like loyal mercenaries, dancing gloatingly with the not disappearing tears. Get yourself together, Luhan! You promised him you won’t cry!

He cleared his throat, then opened his car’s - which had been silent now for at least fifteen minutes - door, grabbing the red rose from the passenger seat before he got out. After he looked at himself one last time, he started to walk with trembling legs towards the iron gate looming out in the distance, which greeted the entrants sarcastically, staring down with non-existent laugh at the dependent ones who were fighting the next World War in the depths of their souls in those minutes. He freaked out whenever he saw this place, yet there was something sickeningly attractive in its frosty mood, which no one understood, but the most of them didn’t even want to.

His memories ambushed him out of nowhere, faster than marathon runners would race for the win, making him unable to think clearly.

 

“But hyuuuuuung” he whined without stopping, didn’t even hear the calming words. “Tell me where we are going, pleaseeee.”

“Sehun-ah, I’ve already told you that you’ll find out soon.” he sighed while repeating the same.

“It is not a nice thing to kidnap somebody on their birthday, hyung! Not a nice thing at all.” Sehun gave a grumpy look to the other, then he turned towards the window to watch the view.

Luhan smiled faintly and barely noticeably at his childishness, despite all the boy’s bad habits, he couldn’t be angry with him, instead he was glad that his human nature has been preserved during the daily hardships he went through. He was proud of Sehun for his heroic endurance, tried to see the better side of the things, wanted to be seen as a strong young man, especially in front of his parents. Sehun himself has long lost his faith since the recent news, but in spite of everything, he attempted to not to show anything of his pains when his family was around. Albeit the doctor had no rights to lie to them, the constantly smiling face of their son filled them up with faith, which was enough for hoping.

“We’re here.” Luhan parked in front of the viewpoint. Because it was getting dark, no one came around, not many knew that the city was more beautiful under the light of the starry sky than under the burning fire of the sunrays.

Sehun’s face lit up as soon as he saw the place, and Luhan’s heart was filled with warmth thanks to the boy’s reaction. It was worth bringing him here.

The nurse helped the boy getting out of the car, he held his waist tightly and helped him to sit on the nearby bench. When Sehun found out that the doctor gave permissions to leave the hospital, but only strictly for an hour, he insisted on not bringing wheelchair with them. It was true that he could walk without it, though very laboriously, the disease had taken over the control, he was weak, still he showed himself strong. For them.

“It’s beautiful, hyung.” he looked around. Railings were built on the edge of the hill where Luhan didn’t risk going with him, because he was too afraid that he’ll collapse. Eventually Sehun’s eyes stared the town beneath them, its lights were glowing magically in the distance. “Thank you for bringing me here. I’ve never been here before.”

“Your doctor only provided one hour, and he did that very reluctantly, so I tried to pick a close but still nice place.” Luhan said smiling. “And this is the least you deserve, dear, after considering how much time you spend trapped inside walls. At least you should see other places on your birthday other than the hospital’s garden.”

“I’m really grateful for all of this, hyung!” he whispered looking into the other’s eyes, squeezing his right hand feebly, somewhat emphasizing the credibility of his words with his.

“I’m glad you like it, Sehun-ah! But I brought a present too.” Luhan pulled out a little box covered in black fabric from the inside of his jacket. Sehun sighed loudly, shaking his head disapprovingly.

“There was no need for that!”

“Of course it was, but before you open it, make a wish. I couldn’t bring a cake with us, and you got one from your parents, but we should keep the traditions, though they are not so real like this… Never mind, at least it fits our situation.” he chuckled at the nonsense he just said himself. He wanted to make Sehun’s  twentieth birthday as special as he could. The boy’s reaction was a cheerful laugh.

“Hm, and will you fulfill my wish?” he tilted his head to the side with interest, making Luhan melt at his cuteness.

“Well, if your wish isn’t an island named after you, or a pretty star from the sky, then I will try my best to fulfill it.” Luhan nodded in agreement.

“Kiss me!”

 

“Luhan!” the man halted when he heard the familiar voice calling him behind his back. Turning around he saw his irreproachable elegant-looking colleague rushing towards him, he was the man who could see the phase of his life which Sehun played a part in from the first line.

“Joonmyun!” Luhan nodded, greeting him when he reached his side. His face was a little bit gloomier than the situation would’ve demanded it, but if Luhan thought about it better, the man was always a representative of seriousness, considering that he chose a job that dealt with very tough diseases.

“How are you today?” he asked quietly, his look reflected empathy, it was something that Luhan was grateful for. Joonmyun was the only person who didn’t treat the man’s emotional lability as a fact, he tried showing him that there was hope and he should see the light in the dark.

“Fairly better than in the past week.” Luhan grimaced. “I don’t know… It’s just… I woke up this morning like it cannot be worse anyway. When you are afraid for days, pain strikes your heart, but on the last day suddenly all passes away and you feel this deadly, almost desperate calmness, there isn’t a knot in your stomach anymore if you think of the events that are about to happen… This feeling isn’t going to bring the worst out of you when you are surrounded by people who support you, of course not! It will happen when you are all alone at home with your accumulated feelings and you can’t even go to work because you have the whole week off. I have a lonely weekend ahead of me, together with my thoughts and that’s what scares me.” he whispered with blurry eyes, then turned his head away.

Joonmyun sighed, he put a hand on Luhan’s shoulder and squeezed it strongly, supportively. “Dr. Wu took over my shift for Saturday and Sunday, so if you want to talk to somebody or you just don’t want to be alone, you know my number, feel free to call me, Luhan!”

“Thank you, Joonmyun. I will.” Luhan muttered looking back at him. The doctor gave a short nod, then patted the nurse’s shoulder.

“Now let’s go, we have a battle to fight with Satan himself.”

 

He blinked surprised at Sehun, who was agog to see his reaction. Luhan had no idea what he felt exactly at the moment the words left the younger’s mouth, although his heart was beating loudly in his chest. Pro and con reasons swarmed into his mind in a matter of seconds, causing him a little headache; he managed to surprise even himself when warmth washed through his body at the thought of… Them.

Although Luhan always knew he liked boys, he had never once thought about looking at Sehun differently. He was aware of how important the boy became to him, how he found a place in his heart in a short period of time, it can be said: from day one, as he got him as his personal caregiver. Luhan felt sorry for him ever since the first moment he laid eyes on him, the boy taught him a big lesson during their time together: a person who never gives up can fulfill his dreams. And Sehun wished nothing more than to live. The luck and the doctors played a part in him still being alive - because they didn’t predict much time for him when he got into hospital -, but he fought. Every day for a better, nicer, disease-free future. He was young and strong, a patient who had huge willpower. Luhan had never seen someone like him.

“I’m sorry, hyung. I didn’t want to scare you, I just…” Sehun’s sad voice pulled Luhan back to reality. “I’ve never kissed anyone, and I thought that you… Never mind, take me back.” his fingers squeezed the back of the bench as he tried to stand up, so Luhan took his hand and gently pushed him down to the wooden surface.

“Nothing happened, Sehun-ah, you just surprised me, that’s all. I wouldn’t have thought that you would ask me something like this.” his lips pulled up in a smile while he shook his head.

“So… you don’t think I’m stupid?” Sehun asked, still a bit frightened.

“There is nothing wrong with wanting something, dear. Because of our nature we require attention, love, care, physical and spiritual satisfaction.”

“You are not disgusted by me, are you?” he hung his head low. Luhan moved closer to him, he made the boy to look at him by touching his chin. There was some stray tears under the younger’s lashes, so the man wiped them away.

“No, not at all.”Luhan whispered the answer for the former question on the boy’s lips, which were only a few millimeters away. It would have been a lie if he said he didn’t feel the desire to kiss Sehun. To taste his dry lips, to feel their hearts beating fast together through their chests. To… have his beautiful and pure soul.

The man closed his eyes on instinct as he leaned a bit forward, just so much that their knees could crash and he could eliminate the gap between them by fulfilling the younger’s one and only wish.

 

Luhan and Joonmyun stepped into the funeral home side by side. Luhan felt the knot in his stomach starting to form again seeing the beautifully lacquered dark brown coffin resting on the podium, his heart painfully clenched at the thought of the person laying on the soft pillows of the opened crate. He halted for a second, legs trembling and not much missing for him to pass out, but he couldn’t flee anymore. He had to act as a grown-up man, giving a worthy goodbye to the one who was his dearest person in the world.

He let Joonmyun see first their recently deceased friend, while he prepared himself for the next few minutes which would be long moments feeling short to say a proper goodbye, but yet not enough to be with him, to repeatedly burn all his features in his memory, his manly face and nice soul.

Joonmyun turned around once he was done, giving a sad look to Luhan, then stepped out of the way to let him take his place at the coffin. He looked down with slightly parted lips at the person resting in the box, his breath hitched as soon as he laid eyes on him. His face was pale, smooth and seemingly carefree, hair combed and perfectly styled. He is still unbelievably beautiful even like this, the thought appeared in Luhan’s mind, which he was bitterly smiling at internally. The boy was like the main star of an event, all ready and waiting to go on an eternal travel.

Luhan suddenly had the urge to laugh hysterically, shouting to the world and God to tell them how cruel they are to push a real treasure like him in the arms of death, wounding everyone who cared for the boy in the process. I don’t want this, I don’t want to let you go, down into the deep where I won’t be able to see you anymore, his eyes started closing when he felt the first teardrop running down on his cheek. Maybe he could understand only by now that he won’t see him laughing again, won’t hear his magical and sweet voice, won’t be able to feel his skin under touch of his fingers, won’t see his beautifully shining eyes that even the glamor of hundred diamonds couldn’t compare with. It’s time to say goodbye for good, Luhan, whispered a little voice in his head, his shoulders shuddered, lips trembled.

“Sorry to interrupt but… You are Luhan, right?” he came back to reality when an unknown, hoarse voice called his name. He quickly wiped away the tears, then curiously turned to look at the boy who couldn’t be much younger than him.

“I am.” he nodded. “And you are…?”

“Kim Jongin, Sehun’s best friend.” he mumbled. As Luhan observed his face, his puffy and red eyes were conspicuous, his features were peaky, and seemingly sleep-deprived. No matter how much he tried, he couldn’t recall neither the boy’s face nor name.

“Oh…” that was all he could say suddenly. “I have never heard about you or seen you at the hospital.”

“Sehun didn’t want his friends to see him like that, so he banned us from visiting him even just once, and we had to accept that.” he said the words as if they were heavy, he must have stopped crying only minutes ago. “But we spoke on the phone regularly and he told me a lot about you.”

“To my excuse, he had never mentioned you.” he cleared his throat. “I’m glad that you stayed by his side even through phone. I’ve always found it strange that only his family came to visit him despite that the doctor said it would do some good if the friends visited him too, but I’ve never asked why they didn’t show up.”

Jongin nodded. “I’m sorry I just came to you like this but I have never seen you with Sehun, and I know everyone who are here today, even Doctor Kim… I thought you wouldn’t skip the funeral, so… I just felt that I have to speak a couple of words with you, because you were the one next to Sehun in the past months and I’m a bit jealous to tell you the truth.” he smiled faintly, eyes began to water.

“It’s okay, I’m sure Sehun would want us to meet.” he returned the weak smile.

“I know that it was your job, but I’d like to thank you for taking care of him and supporting him. I’ve always wondered what you are like, he gushed about your kindness a lot, almost every day.”

“Like you said, it was my job, but I didn’t see it as a task, because he managed to steal a place for himself in my heart, you know? So I was happy to be around him from the start.” he reminisced. He felt good talking about these things with someone who had known Sehun long before he had, and felt the pain as strong as he did.

“I got to go, I promised mom I’ll be back in a few minutes, and lately she is twice as much worried about me and afraid that I’ll do something stupid to harm myself.” he murmured. “But… here’s my number.” he handed over a small piece of paper what he fished out of his pocket. “During our last conversation, Sehun asked me that…” he swallowed, then continued with a trembling voice. “I-if you come his funeral, then I should find you and we should support each other, I don’t want to deny his last wish, so even if you aren’t going to call me, please take this, for Sehun.”

“Take care of yourself, Jongin-ah! As soon as I have time, I will call you!” Luhan assured him and put the paper into his pocket. He thought that it would be good for the both of them to talk a little about Sehun after they survived this horrible day.

 

He hid his hands in his pockets as he walked down the corridors of the hospital, respectfully saying hello to the doctors and nurses who passed beside him. The smile couldn’t be wiped off of his face, he was only away for his birthday from Sehun, celebrating with his family that came for him, because he couldn’t leave. Yet he missed Sehun, and the thought that he will see him again in a few minutes cheered him up.

“Good morning, Joonmyun.” he greeted the doctor showing his back to him and discussing something with a nurse. Luhan put one of his hand on the doorknob of Sehun’s room, was about to open it excitedly, not even waiting for his colleague to greet him back. But he was stopped.

“Luhan, wait!” Joonmyun quickly stepped next to him, placing a hand on top of his. Luhan looked confused seeing his worried and weary face what screamed that something is not alright. He didn’t dare to think of what the problem could be.

“Is there something wrong?” his smile fell as soon as Joonmyun avoided his eyes and turned his head away sighing, then looking back at him.

“I’m so sorry, Luhan… so much…” he breathed the words quietly which freaked Luhan out.

He pushed the door in without thinking, not paying attention to the loud thump when it met the wall. However, he didn’t find inside what he had expected.

The monochromatic white walls gloomily welcomed him, the ward was unusually cold and there was one thing missing from the bed’s carefully made sheets: Sehun.

“Where is he?” he stared in front of him with a frown.

“Luhan…”

“Goddamnit, Joonmyun! Where is Sehun?!” he snapped, desperately turning in the direction of his white coat colleague, hoping that this is only a bad joke, and it was not what he thought.

“I’m sorry, Luhan.” he hung his lead low, silently handing over an envelope which Luhan took with shaking hands and opened the paper in it.

 

Luhan hyung!

I’m sorry. Incredibly.

I didn’t want things to happen this way, but I can’t fight with this disease anymore. I feel it in my bones that there is not much left, it will soon beat me.

I’m so glad that you weren’t here to see me suffer. I wanted to spare you from the start, and fate was gracious to me, because I have succeeded.

I’m going to miss you, but I’m not afraid to die, I have never been. And many years later when you will be ready to leave this world behind, we will welcome each other as friends in after-life, and we will share everything that happened during the time we hadn’t spent together with the other. I hope to hear of many joyful moments, love, maybe even kids… :)

Thank you for everything, you are the best that could ever happened to me! You showed the beautiful side of this life to me, taught me how to love and inspired me to fight.

Take care of yourself and be happy!

 

Sehun

 

To say goodbye? Forever? How could someone ever resign to that, letting the one they love go with light heart believing that they are in a better place now? Nonsense!

Maybe a Heaven really exists where the pure innocent souls like Sehun get, but is there a bigger happiness then seeing the ones you love smile? When you touch them and you know from one glance what the other thinks? When you have everything you could wish for, friends, family and maybe even love? If someone can have these, what is the whole point of heaven? What is the use of Hell, if Heaven can offer so much suffering as well? Cruel life, cruel world. But yet it consists of the greatest thing that cannot be outdone: the life.