I remember the first time I ever saw Jungkook. 

I’ve known him since he was born.

I was two when he was brought to my house for the first time. I don’t remember too much but my mom told me I was the happiest child in the world when I saw him. Jungkook’s mother and my mother were so close, we even lived next door to them. So once Jungkook was born, the family stopped by to show him to us. I had bounced around and sang but my mom had to hold me close so I wouldn’t accidentally hurt myself on something. She picked me up so I could get a better view of my new neighbor. I remember staring down at him and watching his cute little eyes open the slightest bit, hinting me to his dark brown iris’s. Little did I know those eyes would be something I would wish for every night. Eyes I’d wish were mine...

As we grew up, there was no doubt in the world we wouldn’t be friends. We carpooled together to preschool, had play dates almost everyday, had the same baby sitter, god, our windows even faced each other. We’d always see each other before it was bedtime, waving a final goodnight before the lights were turned off, leaving us alone in the darkness.

Soon the play dates slowly stopped, we didn’t hang out as often anymore. As we got older, social status and friend groups became more important. He had his new group of friends, ones he’d now hang out with. I was mostly alone, only really having two close friends, Hoseok and Seokjin. I loved them dearly, though, and I’d do anything for them. 

I remember my last goodnight wave to Jungkook through the window. I was 18. Yeah, it was still silly that we even continued it but it just... it felt right. It was a comforting thing. 

I remember sitting on my bed, lights on as I finished up my math homework. I was wearing my dorky little glasses, my baggy long sleeved white tee shirt with some light grey sweat pants. I don’t know how I remember that, but I do. Jungkook’s light was turned off. He was probably out with his friends again. He was out a lot these past few months, but I stayed awake anyways. Sometimes I didn’t sleep because he’d been at a friends house overnight and I would wait up even if I knew he wasn’t coming home, I still wanted to wait. I remember seeing his bedroom light turn on in my peripheral vision, causing me to look up quickly with my stupid smile, excited to finally see my childhood friend. Though he wasn’t alone. He was hungrily making out with one of his friends, Taehyung, pushing him into the bedroom and down onto his bed. My smile slowly faded as I watched the scene unfold before my eyes. He pinned Taehyung’s arms above his head, their kiss only breaking to take off their clothes. That’s when I got up and shut my curtains for the first time, standing with my back to the window as I took a shaky breath, replaying what I had seen over and over again until I was crying. I was weak. Pathetic. 

The text messages stopped the next morning. I didn’t receive a morning message like I normally did, even if the message was just a simple ‘hey’ or ‘morning’ that had no substance to it, but it was the thought that counted to me. I waited by my phone all day, nothing. And nothing ever ended up coming. 

Graduation day rolled around, he didn’t even show up. I cried in my room that night, my curtains still shut from when I saw him with Taehyung. My room was darker without it open but I didn’t mind. I didn’t. I stopped waiting for his messages. I only ever texted my parents, Hoseok, and Seokjin. That was it. No one else. 

I went onto college, moving out alone. Unlike in the past when he’d tell me how he’d be there for me when I finally left to pursue my education. He wanted to be there to say one last goodbye. Too bad our goodbye was sooner than we thought. I placed my last box into the trunk of my black Honda Civic, glancing over my shoulder at his window. Nothing. I stood outside of my car for an extra 5 minutes pretending to be on my phone texting people when I was actually just scrolling through the selca’s we had taken earlier in life, crying silently before I finally gave up on him. Gave up on us. I got into my car, looking back at his house one last time before I began my drive out of Busan and to Seoul, my tears no longer silent.