“Us”

Is a phantom.

A nameless string.

 

 

The sound of the waves buffeting against the corals sounded so clear, filling the empty air, mixed with the husky voice who hadn’t stopped humming even though the wave took his echo away. The night’s breeze was blowing chilly yet it didn’t stop, both Jinhwan and Junhoe, gazing into the endless darkness in front of them. The sea was extending, a clear pitch black, colliding with the color of the night’s sky. The light was nowhere to be found, except from the top of the lighthouse that was spinning around, giving a single light every time it hit their place.

 

They were sitting on the seashore, not too near the water, but the wind was still blowing so roughly, flipping the ed coat Jinhwan wore. He hugged his knees as his eyes were focusing on the other guy who had been singing random songs that came to his mind since they arrived here. So noisy, Jinhwan thought, but he wouldn’t complain about it, Junhoe’s voice was one of his favourite so far. The deep and husky voice he loved to hear the most, it made him sick sometimes when the younger couldn’t stop screaming here and there, but his daily life got too lonely without hearing his voice, of course he didn’t admit it out loud. And the other thing about Junhoe’s voice was just it blended well with his own voice, he didn’t understand the reason, how their voices suited each other so much than what he wanted to believe. People said, you guys are soulmate! Sometimes it came across his mind, but most of the time he just shoved that thought away.

 

“Ya! Are you that happy to be here with me?” Jinhwan said and Junhoe only smiled at the elder. A very broad and wide smile, it showed all his teeth and Jinhwan’s heart skipped. What a cute kid.

 

Junhoe nodded his head, as an agreement. Remembering how he needed to fight over Hanbin and Jiwon to have this plan with Jinhwan, just because he had already been spending the full two days with Jinhwan and they said they also needed moments with the eldest. But Junhoe couldn’t accept it, he wanted to be with Jinhwan so he childishly acted like a spoiled brat, leeching over the elder, screaming to Hanbin and Jiwon that Jinhwas was his, until Yunhyeong said to both them to just let him be. Jinhwan didn’t say anything and anyone would also know, he definitely chose Junhoe anyway. No, it wasn’t because Jinhwan’s affection for the others was less than his affection to Junhoe, he just couldn’t refuse the younger. One thing that Junhoe didn’t realize, when he said Jinhwan was his, the elder’s heart was racing faster, too fast that he was afraid of Junhoe who clung to his arm would hear it. Maybe, Jinhwan just loved to be with the younger. It probably was just that simple.  

 

“Hyung?” Junhoe called, the other only responded with a “hmm” while his eyes were so fixated to see the endless darkness. The sky was so cloudy, covered the constellation, the reason why they were sitting here.

 

The darkness absorbed his soul and it made him giddy. Some thought crossed his mind, a useless thought he always tried to drive away. Junhoe didn’t continue to ask, he was silent for too long than he could even remember. His eyes were looking at far away, looking at the dark sky with no accompaniment but clouds. He closed his eyes when the flashing light from the lighthouse hit him. Had everything always needed to be said? He already knew, the answer was no, but his heart couldn’t help to seek for something else. He didn’t want to be burnt up by this feeling, it was too late anyway, he was too afraid he would pass the fire and ignite the other’s feeling. He was so afraid, he would make him burst. But he needed a reason to stay walking on this worn out string so he let himself to be more burnt up.

 

“Do you like me?” he tried to make his voice as he was just joking, but Jinhwan noticed a trembling tone in that sentence. Junhoe didn’t look at him, he kept himself busy playing with the cold sands and Jinhwan chuckled.

 

“Of course I like you idiot! I like you, Hanbin, Jiwon, Yunhyeong, Chanwoo, and Donghyuk! I like all of you!” Jinhwan answered and Junhoe didn’t budge from his position. He knew all along, he couldn’t force anything. He knew better that the like, Jinhwan said was different with the like that he gave to the others. He knew, he was special, even though the elder never once said it with his own lips. He didn’t try to push Jinhwan further because he was happy with the things he had today.

 

“Yeah, yeah! But I’m still your favourite right, Hyung?” he laughed and Jinhwan only smiled, a bothered smile, because he could easily find the anxiety in his eyes.

 

“Did you need to ask for that? I like you the way too much.” Jinhwan tousled his black hair and he was sure, nothing had changed and he was truly happy with the things he had today. Jinhwan could easily read him like an open book, find what was wrong when his body couldn’t function properly, guess what was in his heart and mind, say the words he wished to hear the most, and ease every worry that he had. Sometimes, it felt so annoying because in the elder’s eyes, he was seen as a brat who couldn’t do anything by himself. But the other time, he was glad because it always made Jinhwan stick with him. Their personalities were like water and fire, but when he was with him, Junhoe didn’t realize the differences, all he knew, they were made for each other, too compatible.

 

Junhoe wrapped his arm around the elder’s shoulder and brought his small body to his embrace (that of course fit perfectly), saving Jinhwan from freezing. The other didn’t move, drowning his head to feel the warmth from his sweater, inhaling the aroma that filled his senses. Junhoe, too, despite his childishness and sassiness, although many people said he didn’t care about his surroundings. He was still the one, who was able to read Jinhwan like an open book. The elder tended to hide, to solve everything by himself, to cry alone, to burden everything in his small shoulder, his heart was so large but it was so brittle, he looked so strong yet he was too soft. Maybe he caused him to cry the most, maybe he caused him to stress out the most, and maybe the thought of this unexplained relationship brought him to be down the most. Junhoe knew, that was why he never asked for anything to clear this absurdness, to make things less blurry and become more explainable. That was why he was still willing to walk on this worn out string, hoping it didn’t break someday.

 

Jinhwan also knew all along, he needed to clear out things. But he was running out of words, his throat became so dry and it choked him up. He was too afraid with the consequences they would face later or more like he was scared with his own feeling. He clearly understood he was not alone, Junhoe was there and would always be there. But his feeling weighed in his heart, tightened his chest, made him unable to breathe – he was suffocating. The fear kept on growing up, he probably ended up getting strangled in that fear later, crumbling his naïve self because he was too afraid of getting hurt in the first place.

 

“Hyung! Want to sing something?” Junhoe’s sudden movement startled him, waking him up from the darkness that starting to haunt his heart. If he stayed any longer in that thought, he probably could lose his mind and he despised the fact when he looked so weak in front of the younger. People said, he was Junhoe’s steady pace, without him, that boy would be eaten by his own persona, strayed in his shadow, lost the way back home. But no, the truth, Junhoe was his composure, his braveness and boldness saved him so many times until he lost count. The way the younger always found the right yet stupid words, but they reached his heart properly. Junhoe was his steady pace, a pillar that kept him standing, a shoulder he could always lean on. Sometimes, he wished to have his braveness so he was able to convey things his lips were dying to say.

 

“Jinan-ie?” Junhoe’s soft voice entered his eardrums. Jinhwan shook his head, trying to gather his consciousness. He still could feel the warm breath of Junhoe in his neck.

 

“Ah, what did you say?” he asked, facing the younger inch closer, their noses touched. Junhoe was surprised, he retreated his head from Jinhwan’s shoulder, too scarce to find words.

 

“Want to sing something?” Jinhwan nodded and a beam smile curved in his lips.

 

“Let’s also record it!” he said and the elder stretched out his hand to give his phone to the younger as Junhoe was setting his own phone to record them singing.

 

“What song do you want, Hyung?”

 

“Whatever you want.” It didn’t matter anyway, they had the same taste of music, the same taste of movie, the same taste of almost everything. It was too shocking, the reasons why they got along too well. But it didn’t mean they never fought, their personalities were like water and fire to begin with, they fought often, over stupid things but reconciled too fast.

 

Junhoe finally dedicated the song he wanted to sing, a song they sang together for so many times, one of their favorites.

 

We must be two people tangled in a complicated destiny.

Every day I’m indebted to you, with a debt I’ll never be able to pay.

 

Their voices were harmonizing with the sound of the wave, probably, a lot quieter than the wave itself. Junhoe glanced at the elder, who didn’t budge when some water splashed to their place, leaving a trace behind for its existence.

 

Will it be alright for us to keep living like this?

Sometimes lovers and sometimes strangers.

 

He closed his eyes, getting absorbed by the lyrics. Junhoe was, still, glancing at Jinhwan, getting absorbed by his existence. They were sitting together, but he knew better, his mind was wandering, so far he couldn’t track back.

 

Despite my many mistakes and goodbyes.

You are still there.

 

Jinhwan was always good at giving advice, he always knew how to make people feel better, to reassure the others by his words only. Yet, despite everything, he was so bad at naming his own feeling, to pour out his emotions into words, to recognize what he felt. He thought his heart was so cryptic, but it wasn’t true, because Junhoe could easily name everything just by looking at his eyes. He just avoided it.

 

I know you’re the only one that will make me live right in this world.

I know I have to hold onto you to be able to live without regrets.

 

Perhaps, it was his own turmoil. Perhaps, he just didn’t want to experience new encounters. Perhaps, he was just too scared to step forward and fall over. Perhaps, he was enjoying this façade too much without minding the anxiety that grew larger in the other party’s heart. Perhaps, he was just too selfish.

 

But with my rough thoughts and the insecure light in my eyes.

And you have to keep seeing me like this.

It’s probably a war-like love.

 

The song was still playing, he was barely able to listen to his own voice, but the younger’s husky voice filled his mind, overpowering the sound of the wave. The night fell deeper and the breeze was blowing colder. Jinhwan bit his lower lips while his eyes were looking at the froth that the sea left behind to the seashore, as if it tried to convey something you are not alone. His chest felt so heavy, he was suffocating at this moment, the sombre night engulfed everything. He really should put an end to this confusion and let the light give a little warmth to his black hole.    

 

Because I’m dangerous.

 

The words were so simply to be said, but it was full with agony. It made him lose, not knowing a way back. People said the words were so idyllic but his throat was strangled, every time he tried to speak. He was so inexperienced and it gave him so much burden, the fear of his own emotion. Jinhwan knew he needed to unravel everything and stop to perplex the younger with his own confusion, to end the heartrending feeling in their hearts.

 

Because I love you.

 

“The night of Jeju’s sea.” Junhoe said when the song almost came to an end, adding some epilogue to his recording.

 

“Say something?” he extended his phone near Jinhwan as he waited the elder to say something else. But he was silent, a little bit too long, until Junhoe was about to retrieve his phone back. Jinhwan was just looking at him eyes to eyes, his lips were so dry. It was so difficult, he tried his hardest to eradicate everything and just be brave, for this one time. The night was so murky without any constellation, tenebrous, the night and also his feeling.

 

“I love you.” The flashing light that came from the lighthouse hit his face, he couldn’t hide his nervousness but he smiled, a sincere smile. Junhoe didn’t say anything, his mind went blank, his brain was still trying to process the words Jinhwan said. As the light disappeared from the other’s face, he still could feel his cheeks burning, down to his heart, his feeling, his whole body were burning.

 

“Yyeah.” He mumbled while pressing the “stop” in the phone screen with his trembling fingers. His heart was beating too fast (it could even jump anytime) in a rhythm he didn’t understand, but still only Jinhwan who could easily do that. He was even sure Jinhwan heard his heart racing from where he was sitting.  There was a weird feeling growing up in his stomach and it made his heart flutter, he had waited, too long, for this time to come. But his lips were unable to speak, his body was shaking, and he couldn’t even look at the elder properly. Junhoe, now, could stop walking on the worn out string.

 

“I’m sorry, it took me so long to say this.” Junhoe shook his head and brought the elder to his embrace.

 

“Hyung, really, really, really, I really love you.” He babbled, so silly, Jinhwan chuckled. His heart was full with black and blue and Junhoe offered him hands to heal those marks. It wasn’t an inevitable meeting because they chose to meet each other, they chose to be swayed together. Jinhwan didn’t believe in destiny, but he believed, Junhoe was someone who tied the red string in his pinky. Because destiny wasn’t the one who would protect this absurd relationship, but his own words. Because of his words, he could name this relationship, they didn’t need to be straying, looking for a way to find each other. They didn’t need to walk on the fragile string with the fear of losing balance and falling over. In the end, the cradle of everything was in his own hand, because he was just in love and it was so simple, I love you. That was all.

 

The End