Taehyung always loved too much and too soon, but this time it was his personal record. Within the blink of an eye that no-longer-just-an-acquaintance was a full part of his life, and it seemed he was unable to go a whole hour without talking about him. The two of them would just talk about random stuff all day long and it just felt so nice and necessary; luckily Taehyung wasn't the only one to think that way.

"Give me back the life you stole", Taehyung would say to his phone every night when it was already too late for them to be talking, but as usual no one was up to end the call anyway, so they would just keep talking until sunrise. It have been such a long time since Taehyung felt this incredible connection before, this peaceful state of mind you get when you are doing the right thing (or at least what you believe is the right thing), so for the first time in months he was actually feeling optimistic about something.

Even since he and Jeongguk had broken up, his life have been nothing but self-pity and angry s in the shower, who would usually end up with him punching the -stained wall and falling even more into his "get over him already" abyss. It did not help at all how people kept trying to simplify things, going as far as saying "you broke up with him. If you loved him, you would not have done it, so shut up and move on already".

It wasn't rare for Taehyung to be blamed about everything: about Jeongguk being miserable and as thin as a stick; about Jeongguk engaging in one night stands with strangers, which was something no one ever saw coming for it was the opposite of whatever to expect from someone with his introverted and helpless romantic personality; about Jeongguk starting a new drinking habit with Jimin; just everything about Jeongguk's terrible behavior was suddenly Taehyung's fault. What people refused to see or pretended to be dumb enough not to, was that Taehyung was suffering just as much, and being blamed by something he couldn't fix wasn't being helpful at all. He never intended to broke up: he was forced by the circumstances.

Jeongguk's way of suffering was loud, rebellious, while Taehyung's was plain apathy. No one seemed to be able to see through his apathetic facade, nor notice his baggy eyes due to his insomniac nights everytime the younger went out to do whatever the he needed in order to be distracted, regardless of how self-destructive or reckless. Thankfully whoever bumped into the maknae pretending he was allowed to act his age on the streets, didn't recognize him.

TH: I feel like life is giving me a chance to start over and try and be happy. I've been miserable for so long I honestly feel like I deserve it.- Jungkook overheard the older talking to Jimin in their van, when he thought the rest of them were sleeping.

JM: Taehyung, you can't replace someone. This won't work, you are fooling yourself. - came Jimin's dry response right away.

TH: I'm not trying to replace anyone, Jimin, and it offends me that you think so.

JM: You are not doing it on purpose, Taehyung, but breaking news: you are using Bogum to feel better. You are still in love with Jeongguk, you were literally ing sobbing not even two weeks ago, so, yes, you are full of and you know it. - Jimin snapped, turning his attention back to his phone.

TH: We kissed, Jimin. Bogum and I kissed that night at his house. - Taehyung carefuly let out those words without knowing it felt like a slap in the face for a secret listener sitting right in front.

JM: So what? So did we, so did Jungkook and I, so did Hoseok and Yoongi, so did you and Hoseok... And so ing what? It's just a kiss, get over it. - Jimin stressed again. Taehyung was clearly trying to convince Jimin in order to convince his own self, and the shorter wasn't having any of it.

TH: Jimin, he has feelings for me. - Taehyung tried again.

JM: But you don't love him back. He's a nice guy, Tae... Don't play with his feelings. Just be honest with him and tell him you are grateful for his feelings but you can't retribute it now. - Jimin insisted, trying to put some reason in his friend's mind. 

TH: I can't! Jimin, you don't ing understand! What good does it make for me to love Jeongguk? We are never going to work out, Jimin! Never! Should I just keep loving him and never give myself a goddamn chance to be happy? Should I just keep suffering? - The brown haired blew out, teary eyed.

JM: Oh, yeah? Then what about him? What about Jeongguk? Have you even stopped for one stupid moment to think about him in all of this? He's destroying himself and risking everything by doing stupid stuff just to try and swallow his pain! That's the problem with you: it's always just you! You are being a selfish pig, you know that!? - Jimin shouted, pointing his finger at his friend.

TH: You talk like I'm so ing fine myself! You just said it yourself: I was ing sobbing over him not even two days ago, so how dare you say I don't care about him!? Are you even listening to yourself!? You are supposed to be my best friend, not my enemy, Jimin. I already have enough self hatred, I don't need help on feeling like a pig, believe me. - Taehyung finally snapped back and the shorter one just remained silent, a sting of guilt showing through his tensed face and shoulders. They were all indeed being overprotective towards the younger, but somehow they forgot about Taehyung along the way. Just because he wasn't being a reckless brat, it didn't mean he wasn't suffering as well. Actually, if anyone was aware of how much this situation was hurting Taehyung, it was Jimin.

JM: I'm sorry. I didn't think before I spoke. I know it's not being easy on you, I just... I don't know. Seeing Jeongguk being like this makes me hysterical.

TH: It's okay, I forgive you. And I understand where you are coming from. But... we are actually pretty fine, Jimin. Jeongguk and I... we are managing to be friends again, and we are getting along just fine these days. I guess he also realised that's how things are supposed to be, even though it hurts... Anyway, we work better like this. As friends we don't fight, and we keep it professional at all times, so it's all for the best. Everyone is happier like this, the fans are happier like this, you guys are happier like this... 

JM:... but are you? - Jimin interrupted Taehyung's beautiful selfless speech in order to show him that he was missing a massive point: his own happiness.

Taehyung never answered, and so their convo ended. Jeongguk fought back the tears that started princkling in the corner of his eyes and took a deep breathe, Taehyung's words echoing like a mantra in his head: "It's for the best. Everyone is happier like this. The fans are happier like this. We are friends now."

For the passing days Jeongguk resigned himself to silence as he watched Bogum's and Tae's relationship evolve right before his very eyes. Some days, he was able to play it cool. His relationship with Taehyung really has gotten better, they were starting to feel like the old times again (except they would not be able to stare at each other faces for more than a few seconds, nor be touchy with one another without feeling their pants getting a whole lot tighter). In those good days they would goof around and play games and things would feel so right that for a moment he was sure friends was exactly what they were supposed to be.

But things were never supposed to be easy, he learned once again.

Some other days he would not stand being next to Taehyung. Just seeing him smiling at his phone and knowing who it was about; just knowing his pretty lips belonged to someone else; just knowing some other man was touching his breathe-taking body and getting to listen to all those pretty whimpers that not long ago belonged only to him... it all made him sick to the point the older disgusted him. He was angry. No, he was beyond angry. He even wished the other would just disappear or just ing cease existing so he wouldn't have to witness any of that no more. "What's wrong?" Taehyung would innocently ask, only to get a "jus'tired" in response. What else could he say, though, when Taehyung was never the one he was actually mad at? If Jeongguk was mad at someone, it was at his own self for not being able to be mature about any of it, for not being able to get over the older or at least be able to pretend to like him, because if anything, he felt pathetic and weak, and that's what he hated the most.

As expected, things started to spoil for good between them, and even that so-called friendship started fading little by little in each "no" Jeongguk would say whenever Taehyung would ask him to do something together; in each refused call; in each ignored text; in each harsh word at rehearsals; in each time Jeongguk dodged his touches. "Stop seeing him. Come back to me. You are hurting me" was all Jeongguk wanted to say whenever he said "Stop it. Leave me alone. You are so annoying." instead.

Just like that, what once was heaven turned into hell again. Just like many times before, their feelings have flushed down the toilet like it never even existed. No more casual talks, no more midnight calls, no more gaming messages, no more joking around and bear hugs, no more nothing. Just emptiness, silence and pain. Lots of it. "What the hell happened? How did we end up like this?" their minds on a daily basis, and even in dreams they couldn't find any peace because the other was also there, too vivid, too beautiful; even their smell and voices haunted them all around, just like every second they got to spend together through all these years. It was always there, tainting, and neither of them know how to cope with that many neglected feelings anymore.

"I hate you, Jeongguk! I ing hate you! You do nothing but hurt me when all I ever do is try and be nice to you! Do you think things have been easy for me? Do you think you are the only one in pain? Do you have any idea how many nights I spent crying my heart out by myself, trying to cope with the fact that not only we can't love each other like I want us to, but also can't even manage being friends? Of course you don't! You know why? Because you are way too damn busy feeling sorry for yourself and blaming me for every little thing that ever went wrong between us to actually take a look around and realize that I'm hurting just as much as you!" Taehyung shouted during their worse and last fight. "I... I don't even love him, Jeongguk. I'm trying to, God knows I am, because anything is better than keep mourning something that is never coming back to life. He is a good friend, and a good man, and I will try and love him, and you better get over it. I'm done with you, Jeongguk. I'm ing done. Take all this hatred and revolt and shove up your because I'm not letting you hurt me anymore." he finished sobbing harder than ever before getting a few things and leaving their dorm to stay at Bogum's. He never came back for days.

And just like a bullet in Jeongguks head, departure feeling striked him again, like a cyanide cocktail to his already damaged brain. During his sleepless nights he kept replaying in his head every moment and every word they shared, every laugh and every chord, every comfortable lie they took like a newborn into their arms and sung lullabies heard by no one but their own illusion of a future together. "You are everything I'll ever need", he used to say to the other as he stood by the door refusing to leave without one last kiss; the same door he now watches day and night, hoping for someone to open it and greet him with a sweet square smile before welcoming him back to his arms where he belongs.

Somehow he was still waiting for a message to arrive, wishing Taehyung would at least tell him when he was going to come home, but when he grabbed his phone to check for it, he got the exact opposite: Jimin, Jin, Taehyung and Bogum had just been spotted at Big Bang's concert. Even their manager joined them, and all seemed happy together, supportive of Taehyung's new relationship.* Seeing those pictures hurt him like a knife straight through his heart, not only because Taehyung seemed way too fine without him, but also knowing that he seemed to be the only one unaware of Taehyung's whereabouts. He punched the wall until his fists got an open wound, desperately trying to ease the pain in his heart which got worse and worse with every breathe. 

Little did he know that Taehyung was not that happy; little did he know that Bogum pretended not to notice; little did he know that Taehyung still wasn't able to let Bogum touch him intimately; little did he know that whenever Bogum kissed the older, in no time he managed to break it because he would start fantasizing about Jeongguk's lips instead; little did he know that he was all Taehyung could ever think about, and it was killing him.

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https://www.allkpop.com/article/2017/01/bts-and-park-bo-gum-attend-big-bangs-0to10-concert-in-seoul

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