“I'm telling you, Tae. My neighbor is definitely a vampire,” Jimin insisted emphatically.

Taehyung rolled his eyes and groaned, “Not this again.”

“No, just hear me out.” Jimin extended a finger to count off his first point. “I never see him out during the day.”

“You do. All the time. You see him every time you check your mail.”

Jimin continued, undeterred, raising another finger for his second point. “Okay, but his skin is unnaturally pale.”

“It’s not. It’s almost as dark as mine.”

“... Agree to disagree, but I’m also pretty sure he doesn’t eat.” Jimin raised another finger and pointed all three at Taehyung as he spoke. “Food. He doesn’t eat food. I never see him carrying groceries or takeout in from the car, and there are never any food wrappers in his trash.”

“Jimin,” Taehyung let out a sigh, some mix of frustration and disbelief tainting his tone, “please tell me you didn’t go through the man’s trash.”

“I didn’t have to, Tae,” Jimin hissed. “He doesn’t even have his trash picked up on the curb. He only has recycling, and it’s all paper, old, yellow looking stuff.”

“Minnie, last week you were convinced he was a werewolf, and the week before that he was a demi-god, although I'm convinced that was because you've seen Moana a few too many times. Anyway, not the point. The point is, your neighbor is human. He's just a normal person like you and-”

“If you try to tell me you're normal one more time, I swear I'll pour my coffee in your lap and walk out,” Jimin threatened, and Taehyung decided not to argue. He wouldn’t make the same mistake he’d seen their other friends make. Jimin had once filled Yoongi’s car vents with confetti after he accidentally told Jongin that Jimin had a crush on him. Taehyung was pretty sure Yoongi was still finding pieces of glittery paper in his seats and under the floor mats, and that had been nearly four years ago.

“Fine, fine. He's a normal person like… come to think of it, I don't think any of our friends are normal.”

“They're not. We're not. What even is normal? Damn it, Tae, you distracted me. I tell you that my neighbor is a dangerous, blood- monster and you change the subject.”

“For the love of-” Taehyung slammed his hands on the table. “He is not a vampire, Jimin! He moved in months ago. Please, for your own sanity and mine, just walk over there and introduce yourself. I bet you’ll find out you’ve been misjudging him all this time.”

“Fine. I will. I’ll just go over there after sundown tonight and wait for him to sink his fangs into my neck and prove just how wrong you are!”

“,” Hoseok cursed when he heard the doorbell ring. He had just gotten settled on the couch with his work on his lapdesk and a hot cup of coffee in hand. His couch was the type to either swallow him whole or spit a him out on the floor, and today, Hoseok had managed to sink right into the corner between the arm and the back cushions in that perfect way that only happened once in every hundred or so times he sat down.

It took a long time to get everything situated so that he could stand up, and by then, whoever was at the door had pressed the button several more times. “Impatient,” Hoseok grumbled, but stopped when he caught a glimpse of fluffy orange hair through the sliver of window at the side of the door. His neighbor… what was his name? Hoseok wasn't sure he knew the boy's name. They’d never actually spoken, but Hoseok couldn’t help but notice him when they happened to check their mail at the same time. He was awfully cute, especially when his eyebrows furrowed as he read the return addresses on his letters.

Hoseok hurried to unlock all his special deadbolts and slide locks. “Um, hello? Can I help you?” he asked as the door swung open.

It was dark out. The boy’s face was illuminated only by the porch light, but somehow it shone brighter than it should have. Maybe it was the smile that bunched his cheeks beneath his eyes. It was a little tight, nervous, but it was still a beautiful smile.

“H-hi. I’m your neighbor,” the boy stuttered and squeaked, and damn, that was ing attractive for some reason. “J-jimin. My name is Jimin.”

“Nice to meet you, Jimin. I’m Hoseok. What can I do for you?” Hoseok raised an eyebrow when Jimin flinched away from his outstretched hand before reaching out to shake it tentatively.

“O-oh. Nothing. I just… Hi.”

“Uh huh. You said that. Hello,” Hoseok grinned and waved, and this time Jimin actually took a full step back when Hoseok raised his hand. It was also a little unsettling how hard Jimin focused on his mouth when he smiled, but Hoseok guessed he’d probably looked the same only a few moments ago.

“Okay, well… bye.”

Before Hoseok had a chance to say anything more, to invite Jimin in for a cup of tea or mention that he’d noticed they have the same taste in music when he’d heard Jimin’s playing across the driveway while he cleaned out his garage, Jimin slipped through the hedges separating their property and disappeared.

“Goodnight, Jimin,” Hoseok called across the hedges. He chuckled to himself as he shut the door and flipped all the locks closed again. His neighbor sure was adorable. Adorable but skittish. Adorably skittish. “Cute.”

“I told you there's something weird about him. His mouth is so… there are so many teeth and they’re so… round-”

“So not a vampire, then,” Taehyung cut Jimin off before shoving a bite of melon in his mouth.

“-and… shut up, Tae. Just please tell me you believe me now.”

“I’m sorry, Chim,” he shrugged. “I still think you’re trying to see something that’s not there.”

“Well, I mean, I definitely saw something,” Jimin tapped his fork against his plate, “but I was only there for a few minutes.”

“What, you were so charming he didn’t even invite you in?”

“I… kind of… didn’t give him a chance.” Jimin mumbled, and if he and Taehyung hadn’t been friends long enough for Taehyung to speak fluent flustered Jimin, he might have missed it.

“You ran.”

“I ran,” Jimin confirmed, eyes focused on the fork he was now spinning between his fingers.

“Because you were scared?”

“Actually, I ran because he was...” Jimin cut himself off this time, a sure sign the story was just about to get juicy.

“Oh, no. You don’t get to clam up now, buddy. Come on, spit it out.”

“He was so handsome, Tae. He was all… cheekbones and jawline and pretty lips and I just… I had to get away before I did something stupid like wrap my hand around the back of his neck and smash our lips together.”

“Wow. Okay. Way more info than I needed.” The chair made a screeching noise as Taehyung pushed himself away from the table. “Here’s what I don’t understand; if you think he’s handsome, why not just ask him out?”

“Because he’s a… something. Maybe I was right before. Maybe he’s a demi-god. Demi-gods are handsome and have powers, right?”

“Did you watch Moana again? And what kind of powers are you talking about?”

“Well, you know that garden in his backyard?” Taehyung nodded dutifully, just like a best friend should. “I’ve never seen him tend it, but it’s flourishing. In winter. He’s got summer squash growing out there in the middle of the coldest winter in the past decade. How?”

Even Taehyung had to agree that did seem strange, but Jimin wasn’t finished presenting his argument yet.

“And he’s too handsome to be real. I mean, I only told you about his face before, but when he answered the door, he was only wearing shorts and a tank top. I… I thought I would pass out right there. He’s got muscles, but not the bulky, bodybuilder kind. He doesn’t look like much at first, but when he shifts there’s all these little lines that define every group of muscles. He’s all calves and thighs and biceps in perfect proportions.”

“So he works out.”

“No,” Jimin argued, shaking his head. “It’s gotta be more than that. It’s like everything about his body is just right. That’s gotta be supernatural.”

“Jimin, have you ever actually looked in a mirror? Because I feel like maybe you haven’t. Let me tell you a little secret.” Taehyung leaned across the table conspiratorially. “Everything about your body is just right. I bet this neighbor of yours is telling his best friend all about you, how you’re all tiny and compact and ing ripped.”

Jimin turned pink all the way from the tips of his ears to somewhere beneath the neckline of his oversized hoodie, and he covered his eyes with his darling little sweater paws. “Tae, stop it, oh my gosh. You’re so embarrassing,” he whined. “And you haven’t even listened to my last piece of evidence.” Taehyung gave Jimin a moment to take a few deep breaths and calm down before motioning for him to continue.

“Okay, so you know I told you his recycling is full of old, yellowed paper? It’s parchment. Parchment! He writes on parchment, Tae. I swear it’s like he’s right out of Harry Potter or something.”

“Then here’s what you need to-”

“Kim Taehyung, if you tell me to go over there again, I swear-”

“Fine, fine. I won’t say it,” Taehyung squealed, barely dodging the crumpled napkins Jimin threw at him, “but you know what I’m thinking so… Just think about it, okay? Promise me you’ll think about it.”

“Ugh, yeah whatever. I’ll think about it, but only because I love you.”

“Good,” Taehyung said, backing out of Jimin’s firing range as he spoke, “cause you need to get laid.”