Four years ago

 

“Jihoon, please.”

 

“ off.”

 

“Hoon…”

 

Jihoon stepped toward the edge of the bridge and faced the clear night river. He lifted himself onto the edge, swung his legs around in front of him, and sat on the ledge, leaning forward. The cold breeze gently tossed his hair around.

 

“Jihoon, whatever you’re thinking of, don’t do it.”

 

Jihoon scoffed as he felt his eyes well up with tears. He tried convincing himself that the tears were due to the wind, but his heart ached too much for him to deny the real cause.

 

“Don’t worry, Cheol. I’m not dumb. I wouldn’t kill myself over something so stupid.”

 

Seungcheol stepped directly behind the other and placed his hand on top of Jihoon’s.

 

“Don’t touch me,” Jihoon growled.

 

Seungcheol let his hand fall back to his side. Instead, he stepped to the side and looked out toward the river reflecting the city lights. He heard light sniffles coming from the other.

 

“Hoon, I thought you would understand.”

 

“I do.”

 

“Then why are you so upset?”

 

“Am I not allowed to be upset? You want to leave me to do music. Am I not allowed to be upset by that?”

 

“...Sorry.”

 

“Yeah, you’d better be sorry.”

 

“But I don’t want to leave you, Jihoon. Like I said, I don’t mind a long-distance-”

 

“Well I do! I mind! Haven’t you thought about my opinion?” Jihoon raised his voice to the point where it cracked.

 

There were a few seconds of pause before Seungcheol answered.

 

“Well...what do you want me to do about it?”

 

“Choose.”

 

“Choose?”

 

“Between me and your dream.”

 

“Why? Can I not love you if I choose to follow my dream?”

 

Jihoon calmed down. His tone of voice became gentler.

 

“Seungcheol, I know you. You’re passionate in what you do. And if you want to do music, I know you have it in you to do well. But if you’re focused on that, that’s all you’ll ever be focused on. You won’t have any time for me, or anyone else.” Jihoon swallowed as he began to choke up. “You’re too loyal to have more than one love. So decide. It’s me or music.”

 

An unbearably long pause interrupted the flow of the conversation. Only the sound of cars rushing by passed through the two. Jihoon waited. Seungcheol finally spoke up.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Jihoon. Jihoon!”

 

Jihoon turned back around to see an energetic Soonyoung waving and running towards him.

 

“Soonyoung? What are you doing here?” He waited until Soonyoung caught up before continuing to cross the street with his co-worker. They were just on the outskirts of Hongdae.

 

“I had to run some errands for my sister nearby. But hey, I’m finished and it’s like six o’clock anyways. How about we go for those drinks? There are some pretty good spots we can visit around here.”

 

“Sure. Lead the way.”

 

As a frequent visitor of Hongdae, Soonyoung guided his company around the area without hesitation. They arrived at a busy club filled with a crowd young of people. Despite it being early in the evening, many students and young adults were already drinking and losing themselves to the music.

 

“I thought you wanted to go drinking,” Jihoon shouted into Soonyoung’s ear.

 

“You can’t go drinking without dancing,” Soonyoung replied just as loudly. He grabbed Jihoon’s hand and led him to the bar. He waved at the bartender until he noticed them. The bartender had long silky hair tied behind him in a low ponytail. Soonyoung sat at the nearest seat and motioned for Jihoon to sit beside him.

 

“Hey, Jeonghan!”

 

“Soonyoung! I haven’t seen you for a while. Been busy lately?”

 

“Yeah, it’s been hell for the past couple of weeks. This is my friend from work Jihoon who suffered along with me.”

 

“Ah, the cute one?”

 

“Cute?” Jihoon raised an eyebrow at Soonyoung. Soonyoung just laughed and playfully ruffled Jihoon’s hair.

 

“Sorry, Jihoon. But you can’t deny it. It’s true.”

 

Jeonghan laughed at the two. “Should I get you started with a few shots?”

 

“Please and thank you,” Soonyoung said, directing a wink at the bartender.

 

Jeonghan swiftly grabbed a bottle from the shelf behind him and poured out two shot glasses.

 

“Let me know when you need another drink.”

 

“Thanks, Jeonghan.” Soonyoung reached for his shot glass and downed the drink in an instant. He reached for Jihoon’s glass and consumed the liquid just as quickly. His face scrunched up from the bitterness of the alcohol. “Okay, I should be good for a while. I figured you didn’t want your drink but if you want one, you can call Jeonghan to pour you some.”

 

“Nah, it’s fine. I wasn’t planning on drinking, anyways.”

 

Soonyoung shook his head and blinked a few times. Then he turned toward Jihoon.

 

“Oh. so about yesterday. Did you really just oversleep or did something else happen?”

 

Of course he didn’t just drop it.

 

“I told you I just overslept. You know how we all weren’t sleeping much this week. I’m not perfect. I was bound to have overslept one of these days.”

 

“Hmm.” Soonyoung leaned closer to Jihoon until they were at a distance that made the sober Jihoon slightly uncomfortable. “You’re not looking at me.”

 

“You’re drunk already,” Jihoon joked. “I am looking at you, Soonyoung.”

 

“No, no. You’re not looking at me. You’re avoiding my eyes. You’re lying to me.”

 

Before Soonyoung could comment further, the DJ transitioned to a new song.

 

“Oh? This is…” Soonyoung straightened up and listened intently. His eyes sparkled with recognition. “This is my jam. Sorry to leave you by yourself at the bar but I have to go dance. Unless you’d like to join me?”

 

“No thanks. Go have fun.”

 

Soonyoung already stood up from his seat and headed toward the center of the floor. Jihoon smiled at his co-worker’s excitement. The way Soonyoung’s eyes lit up with fire as he moved his body amazed him. He would have never expected his co-worker to be such a passionate dancer. He only found out one day when he caught Soonyoung dancing in the breakroom when he thought no one else was there. Jihoon happened to be sleeping hidden in a corner and was woken up by the sound of Soonyoung accidentally kicking a table.

 

It’s a shame he can’t showcase his talents very often, Jihoon thought. Then again, Soonyoung seemed to be very familiar with Hongdae and the bartender who worked here. Perhaps he frequented the place quite often. Jihoon turned back toward the bar and fiddled with the rim of a shot glass.

 

Once the song ended, the DJ transitioned into a calmer song, another song that Jihoon didn’t recognize. He wasn’t that into pop culture enough to keep up with all of the new music coming out. The song was mellow and easy to listen to. Jihoon started paying attention to the lyrics as he had nothing else to do.

 

Yeah 계산하고 싶지 않아

우리의 벌어진 각도를

Yeah, I don’t want to calculate

The widening angle between us.

 

Huh?

 

Jihoon could feel his heart beat faster. A voice that he hadn’t heard in over four years enveloped the air.

 

Could it be…

 

He desperately scanned the dance floor for Soonyoung, but the dancer was already swallowed up by the wave of people. Jihoon felt his palms become sweaty and his breathing become shallow. Although he was sober, it was as if he had taken several drinks by the way the room began to spin. He felt tears trying to make their way out and he blinked frantically to hold them back.

 

“Hey, Jihoon, are you okay?”

 

Jihoon looked up to find the bartender observing him in concern. There were still tears in his eyes and his breathing was still shallow.

 

“Did you drink something strange? Do you need me to call 119?” Jeonghan asked slowly.

 

“I...I want a shot.”

 

“Huh?”

 

Jihoon shook his head and took a deep breath. “I’m fine. Pour me a shot.”

 

Jeonghan stood frozen in his spot. Jihoon began to feel frustrated and desperate.

 

“Goddammit just get me another ing shot!”

 

Jeonghan silently complied and poured a shot for Jihoon. He watched carefully as the young man downed the shot.

 

“Another one.”

 

Jeonghan warily poured him another shot. Almost immediately, Jihoon took the shot, face scrunched with distaste. He brought the shot glass down roughly. This will make the voice go away, right?

 

“I want something stronger,” he said as he wiped his lips with the back of his hand.

 

“I don’t know. You’re a pretty small guy and I don’t know what your alcohol tolerance level is. Why don’t you wait a little bit?”

 

“I want something stronger,” Jihoon repeated, pleading to Jeonghan with his eyes.

 

“Oh ho ho, what’s gotten into you, Lee Jihoon?” Soonyoung asked cheerfully as he skipped back to the bar. His back was wet with sweat. “I came back for another drink but I didn’t expect to see you drinking, too.”

 

“I just felt like it,” Jihoon replied without turning toward Soonyoung. “Jeonghan won’t give me another drink, though.”

 

“He’s fine, Jeonghan,” Soonyoung laughed. “He may look small but he can take alcohol better than I can.”

 

“If you say so,” Jeonghan said reluctantly. “But if anything happens to him, it’s on you.”

 

Jeonghan proceeded to take a different bottle from the shelf and pour the drink out for Jihoon and Soonyoung.

 

“More,” Jihoon demanded.

 

Jeonghan’s brow twitched. Jihoon took notice.

 

“I’m an adult. I know how to pace myself.”

 

“I’ll pour you more when I think you’re ready,” Jeonghan growled defiantly. “I’m the bartender here, okay?”

 

“And I’m the customer. Pour me another.” Jihoon knew at this point he was being a hell of a rude customer, but he was desperate to drown out the music with alcohol. Soonyoung noticed the tension between the two.

 

“Whoa, whoa. Hoon, calm. What’s gotten into you?”

 

“Don’t call me that,” Jihoon snapped without warning. He felt Soonyoung and Jeonghan’s concerned gazes drilling into his head. Unphased, he took the shot poured for him, and before Jeonghan could stop him, he took the shot meant for Soonyoung.

 

Soonyoung placed a hand on Jihoon shoulder. “Jihoon?”

 

그때 그 손을 놓지 않았다면

아직 서로를 잡고 있을까

If I didn’t let go of that hand at that time

Would we have still been holding on to each other?

 

Jihoon squeezed his eyes shut and plugged his ears with his hands to try to block out the music. He finally felt tears he held back streaming down his face. His breathing became heavy and he could feel himself starting to panic. The few moments that passed felt like several minutes to him.  It must have all been the alcohol starting to mess with his head. Or else he wouldn’t have been this bothered by hearing that voice.

 

Soonyoung wrapped his arms around Jihoon and faced Jeonghan. “Jeonghan, do you mind putting all of that on my tab? I’ll pay for it next time.”

 

“Sure, but where are you going? You’re in no condition to take someone home, yourself. You know you’re weak with alcohol.”

 

“Don’t worry, we’ll just be sitting outside on the curb for a little bit.” Soonyoung directed his attention to Jihoon. He carefully took Jihoon’s hand away from his ear and spoke in a gentle voice that was barely loud enough to be heard. “Let’s go sit outside and get some fresh air, okay?”

 

Without answering, Jihoon let Soonyoung guide him out of the club and onto the edge of the sidewalk. Soonyoung gently lowered Jihoon until they were both sitting down on the curb. There were more people out on the streets since nighttime was nearing. It was still only seven o’clock, but the streets were packed as always on a Saturday night. A chilly breeze picked up.

 

“Sorry, I don’t have a jacket to offer you,” Soonyoung said, taking note of Jihoon shivering beside him.

 

Jihoon felt the alcohol taking its effect on his body. His vision was a blur (even more so than with just his tears) and his movements became impaired. Even with the wind blowing, he felt his body burning up. The noise dulled and he could make out nothing from the conversations around him. All except for one voice carried out by a microphone.

 

누가 또 울렸어

못되게 굴었어

하나도 한 명도

빠짐없이 얘기해줘

Who made you cry?

Who bothered you?

Tell me everything

Without leaving anything, anyone behind

 

The alcohol must have been messing with his head. It was too much. Jihoon messily grabbed at Soonyoung’s collar.

 

“I keep hearing his voice,” he whimpered miserably. He shook his head, as if to shake out the sound of the voice that was haunting him. “Please, make it go away. Please.”

 

Soonyoung didn’t know how to react to Jihoon’s sudden display of vulnerability. There was nothing he could do to help him. He simply did what he could to comfort him and let him cry on his shoulders.