August 2014

 

"Dul, set. Bang! Tan! Annyeonghaseyo. Bangtan Seonyeondan-imnidda."

 

BTS sunbaenims introduced themselves one by one shortly after we introduced ourselves. We just finished our pre-recording for today's music show and decided to distribute our album to other artists.

 

"Annyeonghaseyo naneun Suga-imnidda." The palest and shortest among them timidly introduced himself third after Rap Monster sunbaenim and Jin sunbaenim. I my breath when he languidly locked eyes with me and now all the control I've summoned to not stare at him melted away. I mentally cursed myself for giving in to his enchanting eyes and looking back as if I'm still permitted to do so. His stares made me feel like we were the only ones in the room yet I still need to catch my breath because the memories that's slowly rushing back made it hard for me to breathe normally.

 

 

Suga. Right, he is now more known as Suga, rapper and producer from Bangtan Seonyeondan. It's been more than a year now since they've debuted and they're gaining more and more popularity each day. Coincidentally, their comeback for Danger overlapped with our debut promotion, so our paths crossed, again.

 

It's nearly ten years when our roads first crossed. Back in Daegu, Winter of 2005, I met him as Min Yoongi. That white and short 12 year-old boy with the cutest chinky eyes I've ever seen, Min Yoongi. The boy who made me fell in love with Winter and fell deeper with music, as he slowly made me fall in love with him, too.

 

 

 

(2005, Seunghwan's POV)

 

 

For some reasons, I ended up spending the rest of that day with the boy named Min Yoongi. One look in his enchanting eyes and I couldn't make myself leave, even if going to Daegu by myself then would get me in trouble. We went to an old arcade house near the music store and played to our children hearts' satisfaction while the snow was still raging; then played some more as we ran and laughed around the winter bed after it died down. I've always been a cheerful girl, but the happiness I've felt while playing with Min Yoongi gave me a different kind of contentment. It has the same blissful effect that music gives to me. I'd get the same smile that curves in my lips whenever I'm dreaming about being a successful singer. I felt... safe.

 

I was genuinely happy that day that I almost forgot about my reality in Seoul. It was past six in the evening when I realized I needed to go back. Min Yoongi offered to drop me off the bus station, even if his stop was two hours away from it.

 

"Are you really going to come back next year?" He asked while we were waiting for the bus. There was a hint of hope in his eyes and it made me smile.

"Of course! Don't forget about my guitar, huh? Take care of it and don't ever sell it to others! I will surely comeback for it next year. Wait for me, okay? I'll comeback for you then we will play again." I took his pinky finger and sealed my promise. He smiled to me, and that's how we bid our goobyes.

 

Even after leaving, I couldn't forget the memories and the feelings I had that day. So I kept my promise and came back the year after. It was one Spring day when I managed to convince my mom to let me go to Daegu, reasoning that I badly need to visit my friend Joohyun eonnie before they take me back to Canada.

 

I have never ran that fast in my life as I did that night just so I could reach the music store before it closes. When I got there and saw a different guy manning the counter, I think all of my blood dropped at my feet. Where is he? Am I in the right place? Did he left already? With all my sweats and shaking limbs, I carefully walked to him planning to ask about Min Yoongi, but anxiety already found a crack in my head. What if he's no longer here? What if he is still here, but doesn't remember me? What if he already forgot about me and that day? What if he never waited for me?

 

 

"I'm sorry miss but we're about to close. Just come back tomorrow, okay?" the guy with a Kihyun name plate on his chest said.

 

"Aniyo jebal... I'm... I'm back for something. By chance do you..." Do you know where Min Yoongi is? That's what I really wanted to ask, but I couldn't. "Do you still have that light brown Fender acoustic guitar? I actually reserved it before..." I couldn't muster up the courage to ask if he knows Min Yoongi, afraid to hear all my what if's get answered right.

 

My question made him open his eyes wider and hurriedly excused himself. Huh? Maybe he'll just look for the guitar. Am I supposed to wait? I decided to stay and rest for a while, but I could see my hopes slowly shattering.

 

 

Min Yoongi. My most beautiful memory of winter, Min Yoongi. Had he become just a memory now? Will we no longer meet again? I know for sure, that one day I spent with him began a blooming spring in me and ignite a change in my life unexpectedly.

 

I was drowning in the memories of that day that I forgot to keep track on the time. The clanging of the wind chimes when the door of the store opened brought me back to my senses. I turned my head to see a boy in plain white shirt and jeans, drenched in sweat while catching his breath looking straight at my direction. He got the same haircut on his black hair like that of the guy I was waiting for, and he owns a pair monolid eyes as cute as those I've seen in Min Yoongi. His pinkish thin lips are parted as he breathes raggedly through it. He perfectly mirrors the look I had a while ago after running fast to get here... My mind must be playing tricks on me because he looks just like him!

 

The guy slowly took a step forward to where I am which made my eyes grew wider than it ever has. What the-- it's him! He's really here!

 

"Son Seunghwan... you came back." Min Yoongi, with an astound expression, whispered.

 

 

Since then, Min Yoongi and I became real friends. We spent few hours together in the small food park near the bus station to catch up before I left, again. I told him that my family will be going back to Canada, and that's when he asked for any of my contact details so we could keep communicating. Of course I more than willingly gave him my SNS accounts, home address and phone number because I too, wanted to continue being friends with him.

 

Even while living apart on both sides of the globe, Min Yoongi and I managed to get really close through our daily communication. Mostly we would talk about each other's everyday life; with me sharing all my school experiences, how my so-called friends would back-stabbed and enslaved me; and his barely-surviving situation in school with his one friend, Yoo Kihyun, and about the new melodies he tried composing. Sometimes I would patiently try and teach him English when we could talk via Skype, but he would mess it up and play just five minutes into it. Then we'd talk about our dreams and the future; about being the next biggest artists of Korea's music industry. He'd promise about producing the most beautiful songs for me, and I promise to sing it for him. We'd talk about the things we want to do if we are together and could spend every time with each other.

 

I was happy. I genuinely felt my heart fluttered and be at eased with every moment I'd spend talking to him.

 

 

Everything was good.

Everything was great until it wasn't. Until it all suddenly stop.

 

It was two weeks or more after his graduation when I couldn't reach Min Yoongi anymore. I tried to wait, and I tried to find all possible ways to know how he's doing. I tried to wait some more and gave myself all of the possible reasons why he wasn't contacting me. But he never came back and the next thing I knew, I had to accept that he completely disappeared from me.

He didn't even say goodbye.

 

 

 

So, I focused my attention to my studies and buried the memories of Min Yoongi behind. I convinced myself that maybe he wasn't really meant to stay in my life. No matter how blissful and complete I had felt with him, maybe our roads, like tangent lines, are only meant to crossed once and then never again. I made myself believe that in this life, we are not walking on the same path and he'll be just another childhood memory.

 

I tried engaging into different people just so I could forget that special magic our friendship had, but in every person I met and every relationship I build, there is always this void that needs to be filled. Something would always feel missing and incomplete; that is why nothing and no one ever really matched up and compared to how it was with him then, and how I am when I was with him.

 

 

Six months have passed and I was already doing well. I've met and made new friends both in Toronto and Seoul. I've moved on from that seemingly surreal part of my life and no longer felt attached to the magic I believed it had. And I've already completely erased the existence of Min Yoongi in my memories. Or so I thought.

 

 

 

It was Christmas of 2006 when my family came home to Korea and decided to spend the holidays here. One night, I joined few of my friends (who some are older than me) and we sneaked in to this underground club. Because I stayed and adapt to the foreign culture, I don't look like a typical 12-year old Korean. My physical appearance is a balance of my foreign and korean features but I'm completely dressed up as a disguised that the bouncer mistook me as a senior highschool student.

 

My friends had drinks and chill out with people while I chose to enjoy the music while sitting in our couch. I am not very indifferent to hiphop but this is my first time to have an underground club experience. The club we are in is very wide with high ceilings. It has two floors; first floor had an elevated mini-stage with a dj booth, wide dance floor and a cocktail bar. My friends and I are on the second floor which looks more like a mezzanine overlooking on the first floor; it is where most couches and lounges are.

 

There were different performance for tonight; from the DJ playing with the beat up to solo stages of gig singers. The acoustic session from this group called Urban Zakapa is my favorite, and the rap stage of a crew called Daenamhyup. I've never seen that many good rappers in one performance! But what really caught my attention was the music they've used, it sounded so familiar to me.

 

 

 

It was past 12 midnight when I decided to go home. So even if it's still early for my friends, I bid goodbye and told them that I'll be going first. As much as they wanted to accompany me being a minor going alone in the dark, I didn't want to disturb their happy time so I went alone.

 

 

Where did I got my courage to leave by myself? Honestly I don't know. I should afraid for my safety but I couldn't think straight at the moment. Hearing the melody those rappers used stirred up feelings in my chest that I couldn't name. I spaced out and became so distracted after their performance that's why I chose to go home and sleep this off. I momentarily forgot about the dark streets I have to pass by because apparently the club we went at is in the deep and hidden part of the city.

 

I was walking slower than my normal speed because of the cold wind and the slippery road because of the snow when a voice of a man called my attention.

 

"Oi, where is this pretty lady going alone at this hour? Let oppa accompany you okay?"

.

"A-aniyo. I'm fine." I manage to say and tried not to sound scared, hoping he will let me off but luck wasn't on my side.

"Oh come on it's dangerous for you to be alone. It's better if you'd come with me let's have some fun together." He advanced in my direction in a drunk manner and I wish I could run but he already had a grip on me before I could even step away.

"Please let me go. Please, please don't hurt me and let me go." I'm almost in tears while trying to budge of his hold but I know showing how scared I am right now would not be at my advantage.

"Oh sweetheart I won't hurt you, unless you're a you're surely get hurt, at first." He slurry spit his words and followed it by a sardonic laughter. I tried to scream the loudest I could when he tried to pushed his face on me. I put all force I have on my foot and kick him in the knee and tried to run, but the snow wasn't helping me. I slipped before I could even get a meter far.

"You !" He didn't even bother standing up, he crawled into where I was and caught my foot before slapping me hard that I could even taste blood inside my cheeks.

 

Someone, please help me.

 

"Oi, what's happening there?" A newcomer's voice intrude before the maniac could touch me further. Distracted by it, I took the chance when he was looking away to slip off and stand up. Then I saw a group of guys walking to our direction. It's them! Daenamhyup.

 

"Help me--" The guy who tried to harass me caught me by the neck before I could even shout for help. " off jerks. Don't mind my business with my girlfriend." I vigorously shook my head in disgust, hoping they could understand my SOS signal.

 

"She's definitely not your girlfriend, . Because that's my girlfriend that your harassing, you scum!" One guy from the group wearing a black beanie crossed the distance between us and land a strong punch on the guy that's strangling me.That started an unsolicited fist fight, while the other guys from Daenamhyup crew tried to stop them.

 

The guy who tried to harassed me fell on his back, black out. The one from Daenamhyup crew who had few scratches on his face stood beside me after. His black circle earrings shone when I peek at his side profile. The flickering streetlight behind him made him look like a silhouette in front of me, but when our eyes met... everything became clearer than a bright morning sky. I couldn't control my eyes from growing wider and my lips parting in surprised, just as how I couldn't stop this crazy fast beats in my chest.

 

 

For the second time, the winter winds blew and made our paths crossed once more. That night, the moon was shining bright; and I saw him again after almost six months. And just like that, it's as if a void space in my memories and in my heart got filled up. Even if I tried to deny it, my heart felt the happiest and most alive that night in six months time.

 

 

The guy who tried to harass me passed out not only because of the punch but because he was also drunk. The members of Daenamhyup who saved me surrounded that guy before the one in the middle wearing a dark hoodie with a big 'j' print looked in my direction. He flashed an amused smirk to me before looking at the guys beside me.

 

 

"Keurae Yoongi-ah, get your girl out of here first and we'll take care of this scumbag here. We'll see you tomorrow."

 

 

 

 

 

"Today the moon shines brighter
On the blank spot in my memories
It swallowed me, this lunatic
Please save me tonight
(Please save me tonight
Please save me tonight)
Within this childish madness
You will save me tonight"

- Save Me, Suga 2016