A/n: There are three different fonts in this fic. Normal fonts is told by the perception of the narrative- it's in the present. Italics are what is written in the diary. Bold is the scenario of what is happening in the diary. Hope it isn't too confusing!

W h y   i t   n e v e r   w o r k e d

I had always wondered why my father had that silver ring around his finger. It hadn’t belonged to my mother, because I had asked her once when I was fifteen. She hadn’t even an idea that such ring existed. I asked my father, and whenever I did, he’d brush me off or show annoyance. I hated my father. He was strict and harsh. Growing up, I never had the luxury of playing with toys, or watch TV. I never had outings as a family with my father. It had always been only me and my mother.

I wondered why he had been so cruel. Why he stayed if he hated me that much. My mother would consolidate me every night: ‘Papa’s just tired today.’ She’d whisper as she kissed my ear and tucked me into bed. He never hurt me or mother, in that sense. He simply isolated himself from the entire world. Including his family. Even so, I hated my father. I hated that he was never the father for me.

And that’s where it led me. To this very moment, 20 years later, as I am 40 myself, with a wife and children. I refused at first, I had no reason to see a father who never seemed to see me as his own son. But here I was, standing blankly in front of the white door, hesitant to enter and be hit with the true reality.

“Father.” I’d said, standing beside his bed. His skin pale and grey, lacking in elasticity. He looked tired. He looked frail, weak, pitiful. His breathing was rapid, fogging up the oxygen mask with every breath. The beeping of the monitor in the background, rhythmic, as though lulling him to sleep, his eyelids tried to fight the fatigue.

“What are you doing… here?” He gasped between breaths. Cold as always, even on his deathbed.

“I’ve come to see you. I wanted to see how you are doing.” And maybe have you see how I am doing.

He nodded, resting his eyes momentarily. His lips opened slightly, as though trying to utter words, “How…are.. Minkyu, and Jinhoo?” He rasped. My eyes met his, as he stared. An emotion in his eyes that I could not deter. I had never told my father about my children. When I had left the house I had once called a home, I never turned back. I hadn’t spoken to my father, nor had I even glanced at a picture of his. It had been a surprise that he took the time to learn about the children I had.

“They’re good. I’ve been a good father to them.” I replied, bitterness dripping through my words unintentionally, as though to spite him. He replied with a sad smile, as he closed his eyes again.

“I’m… glad…” He began, taking in another raspy breath. “That you… are showing them the love… I never showed you.” He said, sparking my interest.

Love?

~

“I am sorry. For hurting you all these years. I don’t… I don’t expect… you to forgive me… Son.”

~

My mother had given me a old, crinkled book. Its once white pages were stained a yellow tinge, with age. They were fragile and with any force, could tear the paper. She had apologised to me. Told me to never speak about this to my father. I hadn’t understood why she had given me this moments before his death, but she had said that it would give me the closure that I had craved.

My fingers lingered over the title of the book. I hadn’t realised it but I was frowning. I was nervous, and I didn’t know what to expect. I figured that the book would give me the answers to my father. To how he was. To why he had never loved me the way my mother claimed that he did.

The Love of my Life.

Kim Myungsoo.

I contemplated throwing it out. I didn’t want regrets in my life, and if I had known just why my father treated me like this, I was scared that I regreted not seeing through him.

To my beloved wife and son. I’m sorry for not being there for you.

To my one and only. I’m sorry for not being strong enough to fight for us.

~

January 27^th, 1925

It’s been 246 days since I had graduated. I refused to go home and admit defeat to my parents. They would mock me and would send me back to university again to do what they wanted. No matter what I would never follow them anymore.

“This is my thirteenth gig, Jong.” He whined, “I didn’t sign up for this.”

His friend was on the floor laughing, “Oh man, that’s just hilarious.”

“Shut up.” He grimaced, “All I wanted to do was tour the world. I wanted to be famous. But here I am, playing the same goddamn wedding song at the 13^th wedding.”

“Why not just go home, Myungsoo. If you hate it that much then you should just-”

“Don’t you dare.” He interrupted, “You of all people should know why I’m never going back.” Myungsoo said, laying on the bed, as his legs dangled off from it. “I’m never going to look at those judgmental expressions anymore. I’m tired of it, and I’m going to make them regret ever mocking my dreams.”

Sungjong sighed, packing his bags, “Well you better be prepared for this gig then, before you get fired.” He muttered.

Myungsoo hated weddings. He hated seeing couples. He hated seeing his parents’ relationship, which although seemed like so perfect to the outside, had been filled with alcohol, abuse and pain. He vowed to never get married. He vowed to never fall in love. What was love anyways? It was just a feeling. An emotion that comes and goes. Simply like happiness, sadness, anger. It’ll dissipate into thin air eventually.

He huffed and kicked his legs up, forcing himself to get up, before letting out an audible groan.

~

“Are you Kim Myungsoo?” A timid voice called from behind him. He twirled around to see a short lady in an extravagant white dress. He plastered on a smile and nodded.

“Yes, what can I do for you ma’am?”

“Thank God!” She exclaimed in relief, “I have a new piece that I want played at the wedding. It’s a song of me and my fianc- husband.” She giggled, “It’s really special to us, and I really want you to play it when I walk down the aisle.”

Myungsoo looked down to look at the foreign piece. He inwardly sighed, knowing that he had 3 hours to practice this new piece off by heart, but nonetheless, he nodded and smiled, “No problem, I will make sure it’s perfect.”

“Excellent! Thank you so much.” She gratified, before turning and muttering, “Now, what else? Ah, cake!” Myungsoo stared with a sigh, watching the lady retreat to the next person to perfect. His eyes trailed to a jolly looking man. Tall and young, maybe around his age. He had a sweet gummy smile as he held up an extraordinarily large cake, making the bride clap in glee. Myungsoo cocked his head to one side, intrigued. Something about the strange lanky male interested him and he wanted to talk to him.

The man was funny, unproportionate. His chummy smile and the way his eyes turned to curves whenever he laughed was annoying. He never fitted society’s definition of beauty, and seeing his face separate from his skinny arms, his flat torso, his stretched out body, he wasn’t the best looking guy out there. But for some reason, when I saw him, now writing this, I think about it, and realised that he was my definition of beauty.

~

January 28^th, 1925

I had spoken to the man today. His name was Lee Sungyeol. He was cheerful and hopeful for his future. Something that I wasn’t. He spoke about his love for his parents. His dreams to get married. His dreams to fall in love. I thought it was pathetic. He was a dreamer, naïve to the world. He didn’t understand the harsh reality. The cruel world.

I wanted to help him see just how bad the world could be to people like him.

Myungsoo arrived at the ceremony hours before it commenced. He sat on his piano chair, preparing himself for a warm up. He closed his eyes, calming himself and getting himself in the mood.

“Hi!” A cheerful voice called from behind him. He turned, greeted by the tall cake man from yesterday. He smiled.

“Hello.” He replied, “Did you need help with anything today?”

“No, no! I was just seeing how you were doing. It’s a bit hectic today isn’t it?” He asked, chuckling slightly, “I’m not sure if I’ve made enough cake for today.” He mumbled, rubbing his nape, as though thinking out loud.

Myungsoo let out a low chuckle, “I’m sure you’ve made enough. It looks plenty, and very beautiful too.” He complimented, making the man beam.

“I’m Lee Sungyeol! I’m a caterer.” He smiled, extending his hand for a handshake.

Myungsoo smiled and accepted, “Kim Myungsoo. I’m a pianist.”

It was the day I met him. Little had I known the affect he would have had on me.

“Has it always been your dream to become a pianist?”

He nodded, “I just loved music, and I love how the piano can be played in so many ways to express how you feel.” He smiled, “I never thought that I’d be playing here though.” He chuckled.

Sungyeol cocked his head to one side in curiosity, “What was your dream?”

“I wanted the world to see me. I wanted to play for the Queen and meet the Prime Minister. I wanted to prove my parents wrong.” He grimaced, realising that he had spoken too much about himself.

“I’m sure your parents are proud of you.” Sungyeol replied, “My parents were always strict to me, but I realised just how much they simply wanted the best for me. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here living my dream.”

Myungsoo smiled sadly, his eyes dropping to the floor, “I don’t know if they are the same.” He replied, “If I was a parent, I would never allow my children to suffer the rejection I felt growing up. I would show them as much and affection as I could.”

I snorted, as I read my father’s diary, unintentionally. He had seemed so different to the man that he was growing up with. I refused to believe that this man was the same man who isolated himself from my mother and I, and who never spared me a glance until his very death. It couldn’t possibly be.

“Is catering at weddings a dream of yours?” Myungsoo asked in curiosity after a moment of silence.

The man’s smile reappeared as he nodded enthusiastically, “Yes, I absolutely love it. It brings me joy and happiness seeing being enjoy my food. And there’s just something about weddings that give me a warm fuzzy feeling.” He dreamed, “I wish I could get married one day. I really do.”

Myungsoo mentally scoffed. The man was the total opposite of himself, who had wished to never get married and miserable, yet he wanted to keep the conversation going with this very intriguing man. “Have you a lady?” He inquired.

Sungyeol smiled sadly, and shook his head, “Unfortunately no. I have a disease.” He said. Myungsoo stared. A disease? “I know that look,” He chuckled sadly, “It’s nothing bad. It’s just that I don’t feel attracted to women, rather I do towards men.” He stated, “Mother said that I should never tell anybody about this disease because they’ll lock me up, but you seem very trustworthy.”

Myungsoo blinked, he had never met a man who was attracted to another man. He had heard tales of people like this, however his father had always told him that such human shouldn’t exist. “I would never tell a single soul, don’t you worry.” He smiled warmly, “It’s pretty brave of you to tell me, Sungyeol.” He said, and he had meant it.

His disease should have disgusted me. I should have spat on him and walked away. I was to never associate myself with people like him. Father had always said that it was contagious, but something in me had told myself that if I were walk away from this very man, I was going to spend a life long of regret, I was impressed by him and I wanted to stay with him.

As friends.

~

I looked up, “I don’t understand, Mother.”

She turned to me, her eyes red and puffy, “What do you not get, dear?”

“This can’t be written by father. Who was this man? Why is he talking about him as though he was so special in his life? Why hasn’t he ever mentioned him to us?”

“You’ll see, sweetie, you’ll understand everything.” I frowned, dissatisfied by the response, but decided to keep reading.

~

February 13^th, 1925

It had been almost a fortnight since we had met. He was much more different that he was from my first impression. Although he showed a cheery and carefree demeanour, something about his slight hesitations and little twitches told me that he felt vulnerable and ostracised from this society.

“Woah woah, okay, wait. So you’re telling me you’ve never fallen in love?”

Myungsoo shook his head, “I don’t really believe in those kinds of things. It all seems really stupid and silly.”

Sungyeol pouted, crossing his arms, “Well I’d like to argue with you on that.”

He raised his brow in question, “Do you not agree?”

“Of course not. Love is a magical thing. It changes you. It makes you feel all kinds of crazy things.” He smiled blissfully, “Just imagine getting married, having children, growing old with the one person you love, and dying within the arms of each other.”

Myungsoo snorted, “I’m never going to get married.”

He pouted, “You never know.” He whined, “You might not feel it now, but one day you’ll meet someone so special, nothing else matters. You’d do anything for them.” Sungyeol grinned, laying onto the green grass. He stared at the clouds above him. Myungsoo noticed his left eye begin to twitch slightly, and his smile faltering into a sadder one. “I can’t wait to fall in love.” He sighed.

The man was ridiculous. Sungyeol seemed to certain that the entire world was easy and full of rainbows and butterflies. I couldn’t help but feel some sort of endearment to him. He seemed to innocent, and so naïve, I wanted to protect him to the cruel world who would try and tear people like him down. I didn’t want him to feel the sense of hopelessness that I felt in this world.

But at the same time, deep down, I knew that I was being a little selfish. I knew that part of the reason why I wanted to stay with him was because I craved to feel the happiness and carefreeness that he felt, and I wanted him to teach me how to love again.

But I would never admit that to myself.

~

March 25^th, 1925

He comes over to my place too often. He states that it’s because he feels too lonely by himself, and frankly enough, I too felt lonely. Sungjong never came home anymore because he had found a permanent job offer in the countryside, and it had been too hard and tiring for him to come back every night. I told him that I was fine paying for his share of the rent, but it was only so that he could be less stressed than he already was.

In truth, I had given up on my dream, and began to take up part time jobs to pay for mine and his share of rent. I had to have been working at least 5 different jobs. Any type that would accept a music graduate like I. I hadn’t told Sungyeol about this. I didn’t feel the need to, as we were only acquaintances at the time.

“How are you able to live in this huge as place by yourself and not get lonely.” Sungyeol asked, as he laid comfortably on the couch.

Myungsoo had his back facing him, frying some eggs and cooking rice. It had been the only thing he could afford, without being short on the rent payment. “My friend lived with me, but he found a job somewhere else. I’m looking for a smaller place though.” He shrugged.

Sungyeol sat up and looked at him, “Are you having trouble, Myungsoo?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you able to cover all your living expenses?”

Myungsoo forced out a short laugh, “Of course I am. It’s not that difficult with the money I get from my gigs.” He lied.

Sungyeol stood up, walking towards the man, “Are you sure? You can tell me, Myungsoo. I-I can see that you’re struggling.”

“I’m really not. It actually pretty fun.”

“Myungsoo… If you need help, I can help you. I have some savings that co-”

“Why can’t you get it, Sungyeol?” Myungsoo burst, “I said I’m fine, alright?! If I needed your help I would’ve asked, and if you haven’t noticed, I’m doing just fine, alright. I’m trying to live my life peacefully and you’re just here every single day. You might as well just live here and leech off me for all we know!” He yelled. His mind was in a muddle, and his voice was quivering. Myungsoo came back to a sense of reality, realising what he had done. He looked at the other, wide eyes, as he saw Sungyeol’s left eye twitching again. He looked frightened and scared. He was shaking. “S-Sungyeol. I-I didn-” But before he could utter another word, the man had left, leaving Myungsoo alone and guilty.

I had hurt him.

I could never forgive myself for what I had done. I hated myself so much for hurting him. I hadn’t known it, but I was too stressed, but my pride was too high. I didn’t want anyone to see me suffer. I didn’t want to admit that my parents had been right about my failures. Seeing how Sungyeol, who I had held close to me as a friend, realising the struggles I was going through when even my best friend hadn’t, made me feel as though I was failing to even keep up a lie.

I had been too stressed.

And because of my problems I had pushed away the only person who supported who I was.

I should have followed him right there when I realised everything, but I didn’t. And that was reason number one, why it was never possible.

Why what was never possible? I pondered, flicking forward into the diary. The curiosity about who the man was, was overwhelming and I needed to know why my father had cared about him so much. “When did you and father meet?” I asked.

“A long time ago.” My mother replied, smiling, “He was a gentleman, although very quiet. He had sad eyes, which he tried to conceal with a goofy smile, but it was too obvious.”

“Did you love him?”

“I still do, even to this very moment, sweetie.”

“Did he love you?”

My mother simply smiled and nodded, “He said he did, and that’s what I’ll believe.”

~

April 3^rd, 1925

It had been an excruciatingly long one month. I hadn’t seen Sungyeol since the fight, and I was longing for him. I wanted to tell him my problems. I wanted to debate with him about our different perspectives on life. I wanted to go on little picnic outings with him. I wanted to see him again.

It was because he was my only friend. I had told myself. And I really did long for one.

Myungsoo counted. 1 knock. 2 knocks. 3 knocks. 4 knocks. 5 knocks. 6 kno-

“What.” The door swung open revealing the man, glaring at him. His once cheerful, gummy smile had been replaced with disappointment and sadness.

“I’m sorry.” Myungsoo blurt out. “I-I really didn’t mean to yell at you like that.

Sungyeol scoffed, “So you decide to come back a month later?”

He looked down, “I… I was going through a lot… but that doesn’t give me an excuse to leave you like that.” He said, “I just…I realised that I really wanted to be your friend, and in that month where I didn’t see you, I realised how special of a friend you were to me.” He added looking own in shame.

The door opened wider, Sungyeol’s stern look softening into a small smile. “I knew it.” He said, “I knew you were stressed, I just. I guess I thought that I was special enough to you, that you’d tell me your problems as well, instead of just me blbbering on about my life. I over-reacted as well.” Sungyeol admitted, making the other look up confused. He smiled, “I knew what you were going through.” He whispered, “Well, maybe not all, but I knew you gave up on your piano, and your eviction letter. I overheard you.”

“I-I’m sorry.” He muttered, “I should have told you everything, but I was too scared. I wanted to be perfect, and I wanted to show my parents and the world that people could live their dreams.”

“You are perfect, Myungsoo. You might not see it but people around you do.” He said. Something in the man’s words made his heart burst in joy, and Myungsoo smiled and genuine smile.

“Thank you.” He breathed. “If I could repay you-”

He shook his head, “No need. All you need to do for me is to smile more. I want you to be happy, Myungsoo. I want you to tell me when you need help, and I want you to trust me.

We reconciled that day.

That day, I found a true friend who I knew would stay with me.

That day, I felt a burst of happiness.

That day, I felt an emotion I had never felt before.

~

April 20^th, 1925

It’s been the 13^th time I had seen him since our reconciliation. I had told him everything. We went to the park together almost every single day. It was my favourite place to be. I loved the peacefulness and the way the leaves rustled and danced to the waves of the wind. The way the children could be heard gleefully giggling as they chased the birds who waddled away near the pond.

The soft tweeting of the birds above up, singing as the grass danced melodiously to it. I loved how I could feel like there were no problems in the world, and I loved home Sungyeol would reread his favourite book out loud, never failing to giggling at the line in page 57 of Chapter 6, “It will never be useless, just like how a sheep without legs will simply be a cloud to shelter us from the sun.”

I never understood what that meant, nonetheless, I would smile whenever he had read that aloud, simply because he giggles were a sort of melody to my ears that I craved to hear.

“This is the best bit.” He gasped, clearing his throat, “It will never be useless, just like how a sheep without legs will simply be a cloud sheltering us from the sun.” He read, giggling at the end.

“What does that mean?” Myungsoo asked. He was laid on the grass, eyes closed with a smile as he basked in the sun’s warmth.

Sungyeol grinned, “After all these days and you still don’t understand?”

He shook his head, “I never learnt to read literature.”

“It means that nothing can ever be useless. You can be a sheep without any legs but then people will see you as a cloud, and clouds are useful for cooling us down with the sun is radiating its heat. No matter how useless you think you are, someone else would think that you are anything but.” He concluded.

Myungsoo smiled. He felt as though the words spoke to him on a different level. “Thank you.” He said, looking up at Sungyeol who was sitting upright, smiling back.

On that very day, he had made me decide to follow my dreams again.

“Play me a song, Myungsoo.” He excitedly said, resting his head on his hands.

Myungsoo grinned and began to play a soft melody. His slender fingers glided across the keys, producing a harmony that blessed the ears. By the time he had finished, Sungyeol’s smile had faltered, and he seemed frozen, almost shocked. “Are you okay?” Myungsoo asked, poking the man.

“That was amazing.” He breathed out, “How do you even do that?”

He blushed at the compliment, “Was it that good?”

“Of course it is, are you kidding me?! If I was that talented I would probably show off to everyone I meet. Oh my god, that was amazing!”

He made me feel special. He made me feel like I was able to do anything. He made me believe in myself.

~

I sat in the hospital beside my mother. I felt as though I was invading my father’s personal life, reading his deepest thoughts. “Have you read this before?”

My mother nodded, “Too many times.” She whispered. She had been emotionally exhausted.

“Why had you never shown me this?”

“I wasn’t even meant to see this myself.” She replied, “I found it by chance while I was cleaning. I wanted to confront him. I wanted to ask him what it was, but when I began to read I couldn’t stop, and I felt so guilty. But I’ve read it probably an infinite amount of times by now.”

“Does he know you have it?”

She shook her head, “Till this day, he’s never touched it, and never mentioned it to me. His last entry was the last time he had opened the book.”

I looked at my mother who had an undistinguishable look on her face. “Did…Did you know about him?”

She looked down, fidgeting slightly, “I knew about him. I…” She paused, her hands began shaky, as though she was nervous, “I knew about him.”

~

May 3^rd, 1925

I had hurt him again today.

I could blame it on him but in truth I knew it was my fault as well.                                   

It had been a cold day that day. Although they were in the middle of Spring, they had been huddled up in front of the fireplace.

“I don’t think even Winter is this cold.” Sungyeol commented between his gritted teeth. He had fallen ill that week and the sudden change of weather had made things worse. The man couldn’t open his eyes, he found it difficult to annunciate words properly. His gummy smile had been replaced with fear that he was going to die.

Myungsoo knew he needed medicine, but even with his and Sunyeol’s money combined, there simply was not enough. “I’ll be right back.” He whispered. Sungyeol opened his eyes slightly.

“W-Where are you going?” He rasped out.

“I’m going to get you medicine.”

“N-No, Myungsoo, you can’t. We don’t have enough.”

Myungsoo shook his head, “I have some savings you don’t know about.” He lied, “Don’t worry, it’s enough for everything.”

“Myungsoo…” He objected weakly.

“Shhh, stay put, I’ll be right back.” He replied, quickly leaving to avoid the other’s refute.

“How much?” Myungsoo asked, sliding the medication to the counter.

“30.” The cashier replied. Myungsoo looked down to count the 25 he had in his hands.

He looked up and smiled, “I’ll be right back.” He responded, careful to not look at the other in the eye, before leaving and walking around the pharmacy for a short period of time. The cashier followed him with his eyes, knowing that he was looking very suspicious with his hat covering the majority of his face. As soon as Myungsoo saw the man occupied, he quickly slipped the medication under his coat and grabbed an inexpensive packet of lollies. He approached the desk once more with a smile, “I didn’t bring enough money with me, so maybe this will do.” He stated. The cashier stared at him, suspicious, he looked up and down to see if MYungsoo had done anything, but with confirmation that he didn’t, he ndded and smiled.

“That’ll be 5,” He said, accepting the cash.

Myungsoo muttered a thank you, before heading to the front door, feeling the other’s eyes still on him. As soon as he was outside, he let out a shaky exhale and pulled out the stolen medication. He quickly sprinted home, praying that his friend hadn’t gotten worse.

“Sungyeol?” Myungsoo called out to the eerie silence. His heart pounded, praying that nothing happened. A soft groan was heard in the living room, and Myungsoo scurried next to the laying man, who opened his eyes slightly. He smiled weakly.

“You’re back,” He groaned.

“I got the medication.”

He frowned, “Myungsoo-”

“It was enough.” He lied, “See? I even have 20 left over.”

Sungyeol smiled, “That’s good.” He whispered, closing his eyes again.

I had never stolen anything. Not for me, let alone anyone else. It was a crime that could earn me my life, but for some reason, none of that mattered if it meant that he could live.

The morning after, Sungyeol’s body temperature seemed to have gone down a lot, he was able to stand and walk around without collapsing or fainting. Myungsoo was relieved, and Sungyeol was forever thankful.

“Are you feeling better?” Myungsoo mumbled, still half asleep.

He nodded in response, “Thank you so much, Myungsoo. I owe you my life.” He grinned.

Myungsoo chuckled, “Just get a bit more rest, you’re still not fully recovered.” He yawned, not noticing the solemn look Sungyeol was giving him. Instead, he got up and stretched his limbs, before brushing his teeth and proceeded to make breakfast for the both of us. He came back a few moments later, leaving the egg and rice meal onto the table. “You should eat this while it’s hot.” He said, pulling the blanket over him.

As Myungsoo stood up and turned to leave, he felt a small tug pulling him by the hand. He turned, so see Sungyeol staring back. His eyes showed fear and sadness. “Are you…” He began before halted by a forced pull, making him fall on top on the taller male. Sungyeol continued to stare at him with the same expression before kissing him. Myungsoo was caught off guard. What was happening hadn’t process in his head, and when it finally did, he quickly pushed him away, frightened.

Without realising that his actions hurt the other, he quickly wiped his lips with the back of his hand, making the other visibly flinch.

Myungsoo ran out.

I hadn’t run away too far. Only outside the house, before I realised what I had done. I heard sobs following that.

I had made him cry. Because of my stupidity.

But I couldn’t turn back. Like before, I had been too much of a coward to turn back.

I ran away.

That was another reason why.

~

My eyes widened, rereading the passage. “Had this Sungyeol man been father’s lover?” I asked my mother.

She didn’t respond, instead she looked down and fidgeted her fingers.

“Mother.” I said again.

“I can’t answer that. It’s best if you continue reading.” She responded before standing up, “I am going to get some water. Would you like some, dear?” I shook my head, eyes fixated on the diary.

~

May 26^th,1925

Almost two weeks had passed. I hadn’t stopped thinking about the incident. I hadn’t realised that I was leading him on, and I had forgotten about his disease. I told myself that I should have been disgusted by his act. That it was good that he was out of my life.

But my heart ached as I remembered the sounds of his choked cries. My heart pounded as my mind trailed back to that very moment.

It was disgusting. He was disgusting. I would tell myself.

But my heart disagreed.

Myungsoo stared at the ceiling. The ceiling he had stared at for the past three days. He couldn’t move. He was not motivated to do anything. He’d close his eyes, and before he knew it, his mind would trail back to when Sungyeol had kissed him.

It wasn’t like it was his first. He had kissed many ladies, however none had made him feel this way. He figured it was because the latter was a man. It was just disgusting. But why… just why was he missing him?

Myungsoo knew in his heart that he needed to apologise. To tell him straight up how he felt and clear the misunderstanding, but he also knew deep down that it wasn’t what he wanted to do. His heart ached when he heard the man’s uncontrollable sobs, but his brain rationalised that it was the consequence of having such a disgraceful disease.

He never believed that an attraction towards one of the same gender was a disease. He knew that society had deemed it to be, however, wasn’t attraction just… attraction? No matter what race, gender, belief, attraction was just an emotion. And he knew that he was consciously calling it a disease because he wanted to be normal. He was not ready for the judgement that a gay man loved him.

Yet at the same time, his heart didn’t care.

Because that very same gay man had taught him how to let loose and be happy.

He taught him how to care for ot only himself but also for other people.

And honestly, he knew that he would do anything for the man. Heck, he risked his life to steal a medicine bottle.

He would do anything for the man, because he was his best friend.

He was his confidante.

He was the one who supported his dreams and believed that he was able to do whatever he wanted to do.

He was the one there for him.

He was… Myungsoo sat up rapidly, his heart pounding, the blood in his head, gushing down making him dizzier the more he came to the realisation.

He was the one that taught Myungsoo to believe in love. Because he was the one who made Myungsoo fall in love.

Myungsoo had loved Sungyeol.

I had fallen in love with him without even knowing it, because I was too caught up in myself.

~

I was shocked. I never realised my father had been gay. I felt as though there had been some closure, but now I felt even more confused because why would he have married my mother?

My mother had come back with a glass of water, shakily carrying it to her lips as she took a small sip. “Have you gotten to the part yet?” She asked in a quiet voice.

“Father loved him?”

“Oh, more than anything.” She smiled a solemn smile, “He loved him more than his own life, but he never realised it. He was too stubborn.”

“What happened to them? Why did he end up marrying you?” I inquired.

She took another sip, gently placing it on her lap, before sighing, “This was almost 80 years ago, sweetie. Would they have ever worked out, when even almost a century later, it’s still looked down upon.”

“So he never loved you?” I spat back in retort, “He just married you because he was selfish and wanted to be accepted? If that’s the case then he never did and never will respect my respect for being a coward.” He ended bitterly.

My mother simply smiled once again, “Keep reading dear.”

~

May 30^th, 1925

I had been watching him live his everyday life. Going grocery shopping, smiling at a small jewellery store, as the blacksmith greeted him daily. I saw him calmly approach his workplace, rolling up his sleeves, washing his hands, and beginning to bake and cook little gems for his customers. I smiled whenever he did, and my heart pounded harder whenever his laugh.

Although my feelings were exploding, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of sadness, as I watch him, different from before. More calculated, less carefree. Less…naïve. As though my goal to keep the cruel world hidden from his innocence was destroyed by…me.

He never saw, at least I didn’t think that he did. I didn’t want to bring him heart ache to see me cowardly hiding in the shadows, admiring him from afar.

He darted into the shadows, as he saw Sungyeol look out the window. His heart was racing, he felt as though he was doing something illegal, but technically following someone could have been considered illegal. Myungsoo sighed, it was ridiculous. He desired to speak with Sungyeol. He craved his touch and wanted to express his emotions. He wanted to tell Sungyeol that he felt the same. But it was probably too late.

He had hurt him to no return, and if Myungsoo could try and rectify everything, it would probably lead to failure.

“Never succumb to the darkness of failure.” Sungyeol used to say to him. If he were here, he would tell Myungsoo to have courage. To fight, even when there was no hope. He took a breath, his head dropping down, realising that he wasn’t that strong, no matter what he had told himself.

“M-Myungsoo?” A small voice called from behind him, making him jump.

Myungsoo twirled, his eyes widening to see the lanky man before him, “S-Sungyeol.” He breathed out. His heart raced faster than ever, making he slightly dizzy. “H-Hi.”

“Hi.” He replied, his brows furrowed in confusion, “What are you doing here?”

“I-I um… I um, I was looking for a place to eat!” He exclaimed, immediately groaning inwardly. He had missed his chance.

“Oh, okay. Bye then.” Sungyeol replied, clenching tightly onto his tray. His tone was dripping with disappointment as his eyes trailed down to the path.

“W-Wait! Sungyeol!” Myungsoo shouted, making the other halt and look back. “Do you… Can we um… do you think we could….” He took a deep breath, closing his eyes calmly, before opening them once again, “Do you… want to have dinner with me?”

And there was another opportunity opened for me

It had been weeks later before Sungyeol decided to find the time and finally agreed to have dinner with him. Myungsoo, although losing hope, continue to wait patiently, praying that he could change the way things were. It was exactly 18 days. Before he had received a letter from the man..

Without a single bit of hesitation, or a ‘what if I screw up?’ moment, Myungsoo hopped out of his bed and cleaned himself up.

He washed, showered, scrubbed himself clean, and once he was finished with that he proceeded to shave the little stubble that he had grown, and then combed his hair. He winced in pain, as the knots in his hair refused untangle, and before he knew he shakily reached for the metal scissors that sat temptingly in front of him. “I can’t” He muttered, “I’d look like a fool.” He said, retracting away, and quickly sprinting to his kitchen to find an oil or any other sort of lubricant. Finally untangling his mane, he looked into the mirror, flashing himself a large smile before realising the greasy residue the oil had left in his hair. He groaned aloud, frustrated at his failures, before heading back into the shower to re-wash his hair.

By the time he had finished, the sun was already setting, and Myungsoo was feeling very under pressure. He fled his house without a second glance, before jogging to the local florist, and picking out a single intricate red rose.

“Have you been here long?” He asked.

Trying to calm his rapid breathing, Myungsoo shook his head and smiled, “I just got here. H-Here. This is for you.” He said, making the other smile slightly.

“Thank you.” He responded, accepting the rose. “Why did you call me out?”

“I um… I wanted to talk.” He said cautiously.

“Look, Myungsoo, if it was about the other time, I’m-”

“It is! And don’t apologise, Sungyeol!” He interrupted. “I just, I wanted to… If you like me, I just wanted to say that I liked you too.” He said sheepishly, his eyes averting to the ground as he began to fiddle with his fingers, “I um, I’m sorry for pushing you away. I was just scared.”

Unbeknownst to Myungsoo, Sungyeol’s eyes were wide in shock. His pupils were dilated and his heart raced, as he tried to comprehend what the musician was saying.

“I-I get that I was too late, and if you don’t want to see me or talk to me anymore, I get that.” Myungsoo added softly, praying that that wasn’t the case.

Sungyeol shook his head, “It can’t be.” He muttered, “You were fine, weren’t you? I-I must have transmitted my disease to you. You were fine before I met you?”

“You don’t get it, Sungyeol. You don’t have a disease.” Myungsoo said, “I should have told you before, but I’ll tell you now. You don’t have a goddamn disease, Sungyeol. It’s just a feeling. And emotion. One that other’s rarely feel. And because they can’t feel the way you do, they become selfish and deem it abnormal. Don’t listen to them. Sungyeol. Listen to your heart. Listen to what’s right.” He replied exasperatedly.

He had smiled and told me he loved me as well. He told me it was never going to work, and that it should be the last time we meet before our ‘disease’ becomes worse. I grasped onto his hand and pulled him towards me, planting me lips against his. My heart was racing. I could feel stares on us, hear screams and gasps. But at that moment I didn’t care.

At that moment, all the frightfulness and the feelings of conformity went away.

At that moment it was only him and me.

Finally.

­~

August 20^th, 1925

I loved him with all my heart. We had spent every single day together, and not once had I doubted my decisions.

He had been the first decision I never once regretted.

My guards were slowly collapsing, and my view to the world was much different than before. It seemed more beautiful. Brighter. Happier.

I knew that this blissfulness was too good to be true. These 2 months of just being together and in each other’s warmth, I knew that something, or someone was going to try to break us apart. That was the cruelty of life. I was just praying that it was going to happen later than sooner.

I woke up to a letter in the mailbox.

Somehow, my parents had found out about where I had lived and asked me to visit them.

I didn’t want to at first, but something had told me that maybe they would have changed. Maybe I wanted to be accepted by them again. Maybe I wanted to show off that I was happy. Or just maybe, just maybe I craved the love they never gave me.

Myungsoo took a sharp inhale, as he stared at the small cottage by the lone road. Memories flooded back, and his heart pounded in anticipation. He steadily approached the door, knocking loudly, before waiting patiently as his parents answered.

He was greeted by them and eventually led to the small dining table he grew up with.

“Son.” His father said, giving him a short nod, before returning back to his paper. He nodded back. So cold. Nothing had changed.

“How are you, dear?”

“Fine, mother.” He responded, “And you?”

She nodded in reply, “It has been a long while, hasn’t it? How are you? How has your occupation treated you?”

“Are you still working in your field?” His father asked, still judging.

Myungsoo nodded, “Yes. I enjoy it very much and I earn a lot of money.”

“How is Sungjong?” His mother asked, handing him a cup of tea.

“He has left for the countryside. I no longer keep in contact with him.” He replied.

“Oh, what a shame.” His mother replied, shaking her head slightly before sipping her beverage. Myungsoo looked around, nothing had changed, his eyes lingered to his mother, who had aged. She seemed more tired, more fragile. Her face showed a fainted bruise, obviously healing, but still quite recent. He shifted to his father. His eyes still fixated on his boring paper. He hadn’t flicked the page. It was as though he was just staring at the piece to avoid conversation with his son. He glanced down, capturing the bottle of alcohol beside him. Myungsoo scoffed, earning the attention of both parties.

“Is there something wrong, dear?” His mother asked.

He shook his head, “Nothing has changed around here.” He stated, “Nothing at all.” His parents smiled, obviously hadn’t understood the meaning behind his words.

“I just- We just, wanted you to come home and remember things as it was.” His mother replied, his father nodding shortly, still reading his paper.

“Would have been better if you had come home with an actual job too.” His father added strictly. The house became silent, even the gentle breeze could be heard, rustling the leaves. Myungsoo’s eyes darkened, knowing that it was always going to be the same conversation with his father.

“I’m sorry father, but I don’t think that’s how you’re supposed to treat your guests.” He responded through his gritted teeth.

His father scoffed, finally flipping to the next page of his paper, “You are no guest.” He spat out, “Only a disappointment of a son.”

Myungsoo clenched his fist, he tried to calm himself, taking in deep breaths, he couldn’t leave on bad terms with his parents. Not again.

“Am I wrong?” He asked, “You’ve disappeared on us to pursue that stupid music dream. Your friend had left you for a life. You haven’t even married. No kids. What of use are you?”

Myungsoo glared back, he knew that there was no turning back and that he was going to be permanently erased from the family. “I am. Getting… married.” He retorted.

His parents looked up- his father from his paper, and his mother from her now cold tea. Both were shocked, “What?” His father asked.

“I am getting married.” He said, more confident, “That’s why I agreed to come. Because I’ve come to say goodbye.

“Son, who is this woman?” His mother asked, “Why are you saying goodbye?”

He smirked, “I am getting married to a man.” He said, visibly seeing the soul leave his parents.

“E-Excuse me?” His mother asked, clenching her chest.

“Get out.” His father snarled. “Get out of my house now you .”

Myungsoo stood up, still glaring at his father, “I hope you rot in hell.” He said, before glancing at his mother and giving her a short nod in farewell.

With that he left, his heart beating erratically, he could feel it falling in pieces as he heard his father snarl to his mother: ‘Burn everything of his.” And with that, smoke began to escape the house through the chimney.

In some way or another, I felt relieved.

Myungsoo?”

The said man turned, to see the lanky boy walk into the dim lit kitchen. “Are you alright?” He asked.

Myungsoo nodded, he had been numb ever since he had left his childhood house. He had thrown away the people who had raised him. “I saw them.” He said in a shaky voice, “I told them… about us.”

“Oh… Oh Myungsoo. What did they do.”

He tried a smile, a broken smile, “I don’t know how I feel. I should be happy that they’ll never see me again, but I… I…” He broke down. It was the first time he had cried in front of his lover, “My mother must have expected so much of me to find a way for us to escape that monster, but I disappointed her and left her with that thing for the rest of her life. I wanted to bring strong against him but I just left like how I did the other times.”

Sungyeol hushed him, Myungsoo’s face was buried in the man’s shoulder, as though embarrassed to let him see him cry, “You’re okay, Myungsoo, stop beating yourself over something you had no control over.” He said sadly, softly patting the man’s head in comfort.

“I just… I just feel like I could’ve been so much more for them.”

“Don’t you dare say that, Myungsoo. Just because your parents disapproved of your choice, does not make you any less than you are. It does not make you a bad person.” He whispered, hearing the other sniffed softly, “Rejection is so painful, and being rejected doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you at all. You’ve made the right decision, Myungsoo. Yes, we can go on about how they were your parents and you are supposed to love them, but even if they are your parents, they are still human, and some humans- whether or not doctors, mathematicians, teachers, musicians, caterers, parents- some of them are horrible people you need to distance yourself from. Evil isn’t discriminatory.”

I had learnt a great lesson under that flickering, yellow light that day. I was more than anything would ever say that I was. I had made the right decision, and I wasn’t going to let my guilt blind me from my potential.

“Sungyeol?” Myungsoo whispered. They were in bed, Myungsoo could hear to slow ticking of the clock outside, as the crickets tirelessly cooed outside. He was wide awake, staring at the blank ceiling. His mind filled with thoughts and troubles.

“Hmm?”

“Are you awake?”

“Hmm.” He responded in a muffle. He felt bad, because Sungyeol had been asleep. He was exhausted, yet Myungsoo felt lonely. “What’s wrong?”

“I just… I just wanted to talk.” He heard a sharp inhale before a slower exhale, as the man sat up and the lamp.

“Of course, what do you want to talk about?” He asked. Myungsoo fiddled with a box that he had been clenching in stress that night.

He sighed, “I don’t know.” He mumbled, turning towards the man beside him, who had slipped back to his resting position. Their faces were at proximity, and Myungsoo felt his heart pound as he analysed the man’s features, “When it’s allowed, do you want to marry me?” He whispered.

“Myungsoo…” Sungyeol whispered back, shocked.

“You don’t have to say yes, but if I were to marry, you would be the only one I would want to marry.”

“Of course, you silly.” Sungyeol breathed out, “You’re the person I would want to marry as well.” He smiled.

Myungsoo smiled in relief, “Here.” He said, pulling his arm out from under the blankets, revealing the box that he had been fiddling with. “It’s for you.”

“What is it?” Sungyeol asked in curiosity but accepting it. He opened it to reveal and simple gold band. He gasped.

“I saw you looking at it the other time at the blacksmith.”

“But I haven’t looked at it since…”

“Since when I was trying to make things up to you.” He smiled. “Thank you for everything Sungyeol. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

Things were all supposed to end with a happy ending. That’s what fairytales told us. Sungyeol and I were supposed to have our happy ending.

~

November 6^th, 1925

The day had been blissful, similar to all the other days that I had spent with him. Today wasn’t going to be any different. We would wake up, get ready, drink our coffee, and go about our day, before coming home and falling tiredly in each other’s arms.

Only today, however, it was different. We had been drinking our coffee before a letter had arrived. A letter of urgency.

“My sister… She’s at the hospital.” Sungyeol said, his brows furrowing. Sungyeol had never mentioned his family, let alone a sister. Myungsoo looked at him.

“Is she alright?”

“She’s… giving birth.” He whispered.

“Then you should go and see her.” He replied, grabbing his coat, “Here, take this, it’s cold today.” Sungyeol nodded and rushed out.

“I’ll see you tonight.” He yelled, as he left.

The minutes till night felt longer than ever. But eventually, the rattling of the door could be heard in the quiet house. Myungsoo stood up and jogged to the door, to see Sungyeol’s tired and rather…solemn look.

“Are you alright?”

He was silent.

“Sungyeol?”

The man didn’t reply. He simply replied hugged him. “S-Sungyeol?” Myungsoo asked again, confused.

“She gave birth.” He whispered. “I…I’ve made a horrible decision, Myungsoo.” Myungsoo’s heart pounded, as he waited for the man’s explanation. “She… she had slept with a man who had drugged her. She hadn’t told mother or father, because they would kill her.”

“Wait, so the child is fatherless?”

He nodded, “The child is fatherless, and she is unmarried.” He said, his eyes widening, as though reality had hit him once again, “They’re going to kill her, Myungsoo. My parents will kill her, and if anyone else knew she’d drive herself to death too. I can’t let her die. Myungsoo.”

“So what’s going to happen? Does she have a place? Will she live with us?”

“She does, but… the thing is… she’s bound to meet father and mother soon. People are going to see her. This isn’t a large town, Myungsoo. No one will marry a mother, let alone an unmarried mother. She’d be shamed. And the child, Myungsoo, he’d be unregistered because of her status.”

“But you have a solution right?” Myungsoo ask, the man had a sense of hesitation. Sungyeol’s left eye was twitching again- something Myungsoo had learnt he unconsciously did when he was nervous. “Right?” He asked again after some silence.

“I-I… I can’t let her live her life like this.” He whispered, as though in shame.

“Sungyeol, calm down, what did you do?”

Sungyeol pulled away from his lover, before pulling for his bag, pulling out documents, “Sungyeol what are these?” He asked.

“Marriage.” He said simply and quietly.

“What?”

“Myungsoo, you have to marry her.”

And there it was. The last reason why we could never be together.

Myungsoo took a step back, “No, no no no, I can’t do that. Not to you, not to us.”

“Myungsoo, you have to, please. It’s for the child. It’s for her. It’s just written on paper.”

He shook his head, “Sungyeol you don’t get it do you? I don’t want to marry her, I want to marry you.”

“You know that’s never going to happen.” Sungyeol snapped back. It had been the first Myungsoo had seen him this angry. “If that were ever allowed we’d be spat on, we’d been caged like animals. Myungsoo, come to your senses. You keep dreaming about this, but what if we don’t work out? You said it yourself. Love is just an emotion that you’re bound to get over.”

Myungsoo let out a dry laugh, “, Sungyeol. It isn’t an emotion. It was a choice. I chose to do this. To love you. To spend the rest of my life with you because I love you. It wasn’t just some stupid feeling that I was going to get over. I made a choice to love you and to cherish you until I die.”

Sungyeol stared, tears b in his eyes, as he shakily lifted his hands to his face.

“You were the one who taught me to love. Taught me that it wasn’t only an emotion but something you had to commit to. You can’t just leave me like this. You can’t, Sungyeol.”

He left. So goddamn coldly. I couldn’t hate him. No. Never. But I should have followed him, but like the other times I had left him, I was too cowardly to go after.

He had left the documents on the bench. The room was quiet. I wanted to cry. To shout in pain, but everything was too numb. Everything seemed surreal.

It couldn’t be possible.

Not after everything.

Not after what I had risked.

But why couldn’t I hate him for being so selfish?

Because it was I who had let my guard down. I had been right about how cruel the world could be.

~

November 15^th, 1925

I had met her. The woman who I thought broke me and Sungyeol.

She was polite, kind, sad. She rejected my advances.

“Who are you?”

“My name is Myungsoo.” He replied with a chummy smile, “I saw you the other day, and couldn’t help but admire your beauty.” He said. His heart was in pain, but he knew that he had made the right decision. Sungyeol was cruel that night, but what he was doing had been the best for him and his sister. He knew that through the year that they met, Sungyeol had been hit with the realisation that life had been cruel. That it was never rainbows and butterflies like he had anticipated.

“I’m sorry.” She replied, “I have a husband.” She lied.

Myungsoo smiled, “What is your name?”

She hesitated slightly, “Lee Minhee.” She said timidly.

“That’s a beautiful name.” He said, “My proposal still stands to take you out, Miss Minhee.” He straightforwardly said politely, before turning and readily leaving.

“W-Wait!” She stuttered, making Myungsoo turned, “I…I don’t have a husband.” She confessed.

Myungsoo grinned, “May I take you out then?”

“I…I have a son.”

It had seemed as though she hadn’t known of Sungyeol and his relationship, as she keenly accepted his request. Myungsoo felt like he was doing something illegal. He felt as though he was cheating, deceitful. He felt guilty, but he knew that it was the only way the woman could live her life freely.

I would have lied if I said I never loved her. I did, but not in the same way as Sungyeol. I couldn’t love anyone as much as him.

~

I had to go to the bathroom. My head was spinning. I ignored my mother’s protests. He wasn’t my father. He never was my father. He loved my mother only because he loved her brother.

~

January 28^th, 1926

It had been a year. A year since I met him. A year since I had fallen in love.

I loved him so very much. I met him, as though like strangers, when she introduced me to her family.

He acted polite, and kind. It had pained me to see him pretend to unnoticed me, but I could see the pain in his eyes, as he saw me with someone who wasn’t him.

We got married today. I watched as my bride walked up the aisle, led by her brother. I couldn’t help but stare at him. And imagine just what could have been if we were born in a different era. A time where we were allowed. A time where our love could be celebrated.

My heart raced as I kissed her. I knew I loved her. But I felt guilty because I knew deep down I still loved him too.

It ached, because I knew I was living the dream he wanted. I got married and was happy.

~

The boy was a dream for me. I love him as much as his mother. I tried to show him my love, but whenever I did, my guilt and deception overpowered me.

I loved him with all my heart.

He was my son.

~

“You have to know that he loved you.” My mother said in the silence. I turned to her blankly, my head still spinning, “There had been a time where I wasn’t a good mother to you. I found out about them, but I never told him that I knew. I got into alcohol and I was stressed. I treated you poorly.” She said ashamed, looking down. I stared as her wrinkled hands fiddled together, “He was the one who took care of you during those days. He was the one who had put sense into me and told me it was okay.”

“Did he actually love me?”

“More than anything.” She replied, “He may have loved you as much as he loved Sungyeol. He was strict in front of you, but behind the scenes, he wanted you to be happy. He was the one who bought you your favourite things. The toys that I had said I bought for you. He was the one who had gotten them all for you. When you had left 20 years ago, he’s hung up pictures of you. Of us.” She said with a reminiscent smile, “He’d drink his coffee and admire the pictures. He’d proudly show off your children to his friends. I had never seen him smile that genuinely since I saw him with Sungyeol on our wedding.”

“What happened to Sungyeol? I had never met him. He would have been my uncle right?”

She nodded, “He passed away a few years later. He had always had bad lungs. Your father still blames himself for not being by his side when he died.”

I looked down. I didn’t know what to feel.

“Mr and Mrs Kim.”

We looked up, faced with a doctor with an expression of sorrow. “I’m sorry.” He said, extending his arm towards the door my father was behind. We bolted up and ran.

I had swung open the door, faced with my father’s tired and pale face. Although he looked weak, I couldn’t help but stare at the small smile that lingered on his lips.

He was finally at peace with his love.