Tik tok tik tok.

The sound of the clock and the sound of breathing fills the room. Jin stares at the ceiling above him. He listens to his own heart beat. It thumps from his chest and resonates through his whole body.

He shifts sideways looking at the man who used to make his heart feel like it’s running a marathon. He closes his eyes again listening to his heart beating. Listening. Hoping that it’ll beat fast again. Nothing.

A shiver runs through his body and his eyes gleam with unshed tears. His heart constricts. He looks at the man in front of him examining the face that he’s memorised for three years.

Yes, three years. It’s been three years since he’s had the privilege to call the man in front of him his lover. He closes his eyes and wonders how long he can keep this up.

He wonders how long he’ll have to keep the “in love” act going. He sobs. Tears spill from his eyes, cascading down to his pillow, falling sideways. Short quiet sobs escape his mouth and he covers it with his hand. He looks at the man hoping that he doesn’t wake him up. He looks at him and feels nothing, Longing replaced with the need to get away.

—

Jin was a sophomore in college when he met Namjoon. He was at a college party hosted by Jungkook who was in some of his film classes.

The party was filled with all types of students ranging from the typical social butterflies to the nerdy types of people you’d see lounging inside the library during vacant time. Jin was amazed at the variation but what amazed him the most is the tall attractive guy who may have been stealing glances at him for quite a while.

He catches the taller man staring at him and he shivers thinking about the darkness in the stranger’s eyes but that doesn’t stop him because he excuses himself from his friends and approaches the man. “Hey!” He greets him with his smile and boyish charms and the other nods at him, eyes still dangerously staring at Jin.

Jin bites his lower lip and the stranger’s gaze follow it. He mewls softly as he crosses his leg afraid that he might scare the handsome stranger. He asks for his name and learns that the man’s name is Namjoon. It all happened very fast because the moment Jin excuses himself to go to the restroom, Namjoon follows him and they start making out in one of the cubicles iginiting the start of their rushed relationship.

—

He chuckles bitterly as he remembers how they met at Jungkook’s party. They were so young that time. So young and so in love. They were so blinded by love that at that time Jin thought that everything would be alright as long as Namjoon was beside him. Jin even daydreamed of growing old besides a wrinkly Namjoon and their dogs but life doesn’t work that way. Not for two dreamers who just weren’t destined to stay together. Not for two people whose paths were only destined to cross but not align.

Jin used to look at Namjoon with longing. His lover, the same. They used to ignite the spark from within each other but as sparks ignite, flames begin as a result and their love was warm in the beginning. It was a burning passion to be near each other, to keep the other close to them, afraid that the warmth emanating from each other would perish.

Their love was a burning flame, undying at one point. It engulfs you into the fire and keeps you comfortable, dependent to the warmth and that’s what they became. Dependent.

He doesn’t know when it started feeling like an obligation to love. It just suddenly did. One day it just felt like a duty to care for his lover. Suddenly praises and promises didn’t feel good anymore.

Jin did love Namjoon. He really did. At the beginning. He dreamt about a future with him but along the way, he realised how he had just went with the flow because at that time, he was broken and lonely. He wanted something to make him feel. He wanted love. He was blinded by the thought of being in love.

Assurances spoken in between them feels like a thousand stabs to his heart. He doesn’t know how this happened. He used to feel like the luckiest person in the world whenever his lover would praise him or tell him he loves him.

His heart would constrict in a good kind of hurt whenever Namjoon would praise him. Now, words they exchange to each other and promises to love feel like another step closer to the deep side of the sea, drowning voluntarily, air escaping his lungs.

I love you’s feel like another lock added to a cage that caves in further everytime they exchange sweet words that leaves the lips that Jin once believed to be the only lips he’d ever kiss until he grew old.

Maybe he’ll never know. Maybe he’s been thinking about this for a few months already. Maybe their love was already ending just like fire going out. Maybe their love is already over but none of them wants to admit it.

His sobs escape his mouth and he shifts away from his lover and turns to the other side. His body shakes from the vibrations of his cry. Strong hands make its way to his waist and he can feel Namjoon’s firm chest against his back closing the distance between them.

He sobs even more and he can feel Namjoon’s thumb brush over his belly. How can a gesture that’s supposed to be calming make you feel like losing all the air inside your lungs? How can a familiar touch feel so foreign? How can someone you care about touch you and feel so wrong?

Tears continue to fall from his eyes. He knows he can’t do this anymore. He can’t live another day looking at Namjoon and pretending like they’re happy. That they’re happy.

“Hey.” Namjoon starts, kissing his shoulder and he flinches from the contact. Jin shifts to create a gap between them. He knows his lover is confused by his act. “What’s wrong, Jin?” He continues to sob.

“I...” Jin’s a breathing mess. He tries to get the words out of his chest. He tries to. He needs to get it off his chest. “I c-can’t do this anymore, Joon.” He manages to say in a whisper hoping that it would be loud enough for his lover to hear because he doesn’t trust himself to repeat it.

He feels Namjoon tensing up behind him and shifting until he’s sitting on the bed beside Jin. A few minutes pass. Silence is all that’s heard in the room again but Namjoon gets up and walks to Jin’s side of the bed and Jin counts the steps that his lover takes. One, two, three, four, five, six. Namjoon turns on their bedside lamp and dims it as he searches to catch Jin’s eyes, helplessness evident in his own.

Namjoon looks at Jin crying while covering his mouth, afraid that his cries would be louder. It pains him to see the state Jin was in. He knows they have been feeding off from each other’s warmth and that this shouldn’t continue but what could he do? Even though he admits that he might not love Jin anymore, he knows he’s helpless and that he needs Jin to tell him that he’s doing fine to keep him sane. To keep him going.

He needs Jin to tell him that he’s doing okay. That everything will be okay. He needs Jin to tell him the right words to comfort him when life gets tough and sing him to sleep. He needs Jin to keep him going but he needs Jin to be happy too. “Say it in front of me” He says. No response. He waits for a few minutes deciding not to push it.

Jin’s sobs fade and he gathers up all his strength to say the 5 words that he desperately wants to say. The same 5 words that has been threatening to slip out of his tongue for a while now. He looks at Namjoon and sees how hurt the younger is just as him.

He uncovers his mouth and wipes his tears from his face then inhales deeply. His eyes are full of sorrow and so are his lover’s. “I can’t do this anymore, Joon.” Jin says not looking away from Namjoon’s eyes, staring at them. Making sure that he gets the message across. Hoping that his sorrow reaches Namjoon’s eyes but his lover turns to his right, avoiding Jin’s gaze.

Namjoon exhales. “Oh wow.” Is all he can mutter to say while shaking his head and he turns to look at Jin again. He reaches out to cup Jin’s face with shaky hands. He’s holding his breath as he searches Jin’s face for something. He doesn’t know what. Just something that would tell him that they can work this out. That this isn’t what he’s been afraid of.

But there’s nothing there. Nothing. There’s nothing in Jin’s face that tells him that there’s hope. He even looks at Jin’s eyes but all he sees are two orbs devoid of emotion staring at him. Eyes begging him to let him go and that’s it for Namjoon.

He sighs deeply. His hands begins shaking and a tear rolls down his right cheek. He closes his eyes and more tears follow. His body starts shaking little by little and Namjoon breaks down in front of Jin as he withdraws his hand away from his face and grips the matress.

“I’m really sorry, Joon. I’m sorry.” Jin hugs him as his body trembles from grief. Jin keeps repeating the words to him and it doesn’t make Namjoon feel better because all he feels is how unlovely he is.

He cries harder and he can also feel Jin’s tears for a wet patch on his shoulders. His heart hurts so much. “Why Jin?” He manages to croak out breathless. Jin hugs him tighter but doesn’t respond.

Jin doesn’t even know why himself. He doesn’t have all the answers to the feelings he feels at the moment. He just knows that he doesn’t look at Namjoon the way he used to anymore. He just knows that Namjoon’s the same. He just knows that they’re both not in love anymore. That this relationship is already going toxic and that both of them are only staying for the convenience of it.

He knows he’s being unfair but he knows this is for the better. He’d rather let Namjoon go and be the first one to find someone else. He knows Namjoon wouldn’t be able to take it in if Jin was to find someone else. He wants Namjoon to find love. A love that’s real. Not this superficial love they kept holding on to just because they’re both comfortable with it and that they grew accustomed to. He wants to find Namjoon to find that love because he himself wants the same for himself.

Both of them could only cry, darkness their witness to this unfortunate event. Both of them know that they’ve been holding onto this for too long. Both of them know that they’re not truly happy anymore. Both of them know that this is the final goodbye.