Sunflower

Everything has its beginning but Seungyoon never thought his own would be this sudden, coming out of nowhere, but all beginnings hold in them their own end and, after an end there is always a new journey and, aware of this, he smiles, waiting for his blossoming period to arrive, waiting for his own start. He leaves all his sorrows behind and embraces what is ahead of him with a pounding heart, expecting excited.   

Being around Seunghoon makes him feel at ease: he can act like the maknae that he is and not be ashamed of it, he doesn’t have to force his image, to be someone else, a reliable leader to put all the burdens on – Seunghoon grins and takes them away with softness and kindness. He always treats him well, caring for him in a way that makes his flustered and warms his heart; sweet and witty, he constantly manages to make him laugh and Seungyoon loves been with him, orbiting around the shinning, silver moon that Seunghoon is for him; he enjoys being under his eternal beams, even when his moods are constantly changing, swinging, he likes revolving around the compassionate presence that is him – there is always something to learn, something to find amusing and enthralling, there is always something new to discover when he is with Seunghoon.

He likes the way he always takes care of him, cooking and making sure that he doesn't overwork, that he isn't staying awake until late and having too little sleep in his head. In a way, he is like his family, more than a friend and he loves it, the freedom but also all the love that he gives off - it's like living under a permanent summer and, when Seunghoon smiles, truly happy, his heart expands, bathed with the light that he emits. It means nothing but Seungyoon is blissful to be under his spell, glad and pleased to share his life with such a great person despite not telling it to him – because it’s cheesy and this is not how Seungyoon is, really, but he thinks that Seunghoon is the sun, the moon and all the stars hanging in the infinite universe and he looks at him with stellar eyes.  

Seunghoon feels like home – and Seungyoon likes it, to rely on him and feel content, to be taken care off, to have someone who looks after him like a mother would, even if when he glances at him the revelation is shocking (Seunghoon is long and slim and wonderful, with delightful legs and lustful neck with that prominent Adam’s Apple bopping when he gulps and it’s something so attractive that not even him can’t take his eyes off; he should feel regrets later but, instead, he recreates into the image of it as if his dirty, secret pleasure). Is then, while staring curiously at him while playing with both of their puppies – Seunghoon beams under the sun, smiling big, genuinely happy, that it falls into him, like a drop of rain, sinking into his blood torrent without much notice, as if a secret that will bloom unexpectedly, greatly and beautifully, taking away his breath.

He coughs and, with it, crawling up his throat, spitting from his lips and falling on the floor, there are sunflowers; an intense yellow brightening the ground and leaving a soft taste in his mouth. The petals, long and soft and slender is beautiful, flavoured like summer and fun and he thinks that they are just like him, who have sown them in his inside with candid smiles and lovingly acts that have managed to take his heart when he wasn’t aware. He has always thought that Seunghoon was someone incredible, interesting but never had he believed that, one day, he would fall for him so hard, growing flowers that represents what he means for him: adoration, admiration, caring, happiness.

He is awestruck to find out that he has developed the Hanahaki disease just because he thinks greatly about Seunghoon – that he is handsome and elegant, with legs that carry him with grace and a neck he finds enchanting, glancing at it bobbing when he swallows fascinated, hypnotized, that he is always in his mind unintentionally. – He does that but it doesn’t mean he is in love – because he isn’t – but he coughs again and the same petals fall, gently, reaching his hands and he stares at them for a moment, tempted to take a picture and show to everyone that he is, indeed, in love – they are so pretty he wants to share it, the revelation that he has fallen into pieces for his hyung in such an unexpected way that has come to him unnoticed.

In the end, it just lasts a month; after it, he breaths fine again and those sunflowers, as resilient as they are, have been dried and removed, out of his system by themselves – he hasn’t done anything at all, just stare at Seunghoon and think about him all day and night. Seungyoon is sure that his feelings haven’t changed his heart races whenever he is near and his cheeks are coloured in shy scarlet if he compliments him; he still feels the imperious need to check constantly on him when both of them are home and that is something he has never done before.

 It’s late and the house is in silence, he enters cautiously and walks under the moon. He lives at night and sleeps under the sun while Seunghoon beams better at the morning after coffee so; when he comes home he is sure that his hyung is sleeping soundly. Tiptoeing, he sneaks into his room; he is sleeping, curled under the blankets, the small light coming from the open door illuminates his figure lying on the bed. Seungyoon smiles, reassured, contented to be able to see him. Carefully he comes closer until his fingers, trembling, dare to touch his skin – he has done that before, he has brushed his flesh but never like this: feeling butterflies and hummingbirds caged in his chest. He is so soft and warm that Seungyoon feels it covering his mind, a sudden rush to snuggle with him, hug him and lull his dreams, to caress his silky, ink hair and kiss the air that keeps them apart. This is the first time he sleeps with him; he counts up to 2444 seconds before leaving this spot that smells like sunflowers and fun and all that is good in the world.

He slips away to there the next day, and the next one, expecting nothing but his heart to be contented however it has never enough of his presence, when Seunghoon is not by his is side he feels at lost, missing him like a scared kid trying to find his mom; Seunghoon has converted into his sky, the star that guides him home, the only place he craves to be, longing for his voices and laugh and stupid things coming out his mouth – that he wants to taste, kiss his lips.

When he thinks about the significance after the end of his bloom, of why his flowers, the ones carrying his love had died long ago but leaving behind his fluttering feelings intact, he wonders if he likes him back, if there is a chance for him, an opportunity. He sighs loud when he realizes, later on, that he stands no chance with him at all, not when he looks at Jinwoo adoringly, holding all the love in his eyes, talking to him as if he was his sun – Seungyoon is not jealous, only disappointed with himself for grasping into tiny air, for believing that he could be loved.

The motion doesn’t stop him, though, creeping into the night like a robber, staring into his dreams as if able to read them on a script. He doesn’t know why but he looks soft and relaxed and adorable like this, giggling as if happy as if having a good reverie; he smiles with him, brushing away the hair covering his cheek.

Tonight, when he comes home, Seunghoon is waiting for him, blankets pushed away, making room for him, inviting him to come in. He doesn’t ask, taking in the invitation, this rare opportunity – deep inside he wonders if everything is alright if Seunghoon needs his company because he is scared of the dark.

When he lies there next to him, his hands secluding his waist gently, his breath swinging his faded blue hair, his heart screams his name. He turns, then, to face him; Seunghoon’s eyes are sweetly closed and his nose can brush his own, his piercing shining under the moonbeams lovingly – he doesn’t gawk at it awkwardly, in love.

“I like you” he murmurs, fingers travelling to his face, lingering in his skin for a second that feels too long, like eternally.

“I know” he replies, simply, lightly – Seungyoon’s heart breaks apart, sinking into his blood. He seems to smirk in his sleep and Seungyoon can’t read what the hell does he mean.

“No, but – hyung – I really like you” he repeats automatically, his cheeks the colour of shame, biting his plump lips nervously, stressed out.

“I told you that I know. Now, sleep” he says, again, moving painfully slowly his hand until cover his cheek, warm and hot and red.

“Hyung, I mean it!” his voice is loud this time, pitched. Seunghoon raises his eyes browns and caresses, idly, his flesh – under his touches, his chest shakes.

“I know” he replies for the third time as if losing his patience. With his other hand, still holding his back, he pushes Seungyoon closer, kissing him. It’s slow and calmly and it makes Seungyoon’s heart space race. It’s perfect and wonderful and all the words that he would put into a song. It’s all he has wanted and it is flavoured like sunflowers and summer and Busan and his own home.

“I love you too”.