It’s foolish of her.

Right now as she prepares to go in for surgery she shouldn’t be thinking about him, the one that got her into this situation. (Her lids are heavy and it feels like her bones are being weighted down by metal. She should be sleeping by now.)

But she does, because this is the last few moments she’ll ever spend with unrequired love for him.

Unrequired love for Jung Jaehyun.

The one who made flowers bloom in her chest. So beautiful, but yet so deadly.

If she could, she would have rather lived with her love for Jaehyun kept hidden away in her heart forever.

She remembers the first time it happened, two years ago, back when he first started dating Taeyong.

She should have expected the outcome, Jaehyun had always treated the older boy differently from her. With more purpose, more thought and more feeling. At the time she had brushed it off. (Maybe she just didn't want to admit it.)

And then one day he was coming to her and excitedly announcing that he was dating Taeyong. Nausea had climbed up so rapidly at the news that she had bolted from him.

As she laid hunched over the third-story toilet bowl with white flowers escaping out of her, she had cried. Loud and wailing because it confirmed for her just how Jaehyun could never love her in the way she wanted him to. 

After all she was only ever just a friend to him. (She had went back to him later that day and apologised for running, slapping on a smile as she congratulated him, and on they went, acting like everything was fine.

Things changed of course. Jaehyun spent less time with her and more with Taeyong, and she had been left to stare after the both of them longingly as flowers grew in her chest.)

She remembers the first time they met. Back when they were five and Jaehyun was gutsy enough to stand up to the boys bullying her at the playground and getting beat up for it.

She had asked him why he had done it, and he smiled brightly, declaring that to him, friends were the most important. (She wonders if he still thinks the same.)

Maybe if she had told him that she didn’t like Taeyong, he would have probably never even dated him in the first place. (She doubts it thought.)

Maybe that’s why Taeyong’s always so scared of her. The way he looks at her like a cornered animal, because he knows that she can take Jaehyun away so easily.

It weighs heavily on her, because she could never do it. Taeyong is a part of Jaehyun’s happiness, and there is no way she will ever take away even the slightest fraction of it.

Everything will be better this way.

The both of them can keep on being happy, and once it’s over she doesn’t have to hold in the pain from seeing them together. 

She can be truly happy for Jaehyun after this.

Even if it means giving up her own.

So she takes this one chance to remember the way her pulse would race at the sight of his smile, the way she would redden at how he would lean in so close, and the happiness he gives her every single moment.

And it isn’t like everything is going to be lost forever. Jaehyun is more than just her first love, he’s family to her. Giving up this one thing will mean she can keep a whole world of other firsts.

In the end her body still trembles, her lips still shake, and her eyes still tears. (She's scared, though she will never admit it.)

But it’s fine.

Her lungs had been burning for him, and that was enough to make her happy.

(She gets out of surgery and is back to normal within a few days.

She doesn’t find as much interest in Jaehyun anymore, nor does she linger any longer than normal on the couple.

Everyone asks her what happened because she never told them.

She smiles, saying that she got over him. Everyone's a little suspicious, but still Yuta hugs her, stating it was for the best.

It's true. And her smile comes out sincere but empty at the same time.

She's happy.)