---

 

"If there was a single word, or phrase, that you could use to describe your relationship with TOP, what would you say would be the very first one that comes to mind?"

 

Jiyong choked on the water that he'd been sipping on in the midst of the question.

 

For a moment, he was knocked off balance, which was a rarity in itself, because he was usually in possession of a near flawless poker face. He also tried not to focus on the fact that it was their comeback interview, and that several million people were turned in to watch it. No, he was really shocked, because it had been nearly ten years since he'd been asked a question that was so profound, and one that was dripping with the potential for so much comprising danger, that he actually had no script to fall back on.

 

He was barely into his thirties, and if this was how they were going to go, he knew that they were going to be just as interesting, if not even more dramatic, than his twenties.

 

The reality was that there were many, many, many words that came to mind when he thought of Seunghyun, and when he turned his head to lock eyes with him, he let a smile come to his lips. The other man looked at him with an expectant gaze, and Ji pleasantly noted that the look was genuine, it did reach his eyes. The other man was just as curious to know the answer to the question, just about everyone was, really.

 

It only served to put more pressure on him to find a diplomatic answer.

 

Best friend?

 

There had been a time when that was true, and to a certain extent, it still was.

 

But it didn't quite fit what they were anymore, they'd moved beyond that a long time ago.

 

There had been a few steps back, but ever since that day that they'd first met as kids, it had been mostly made of dramatic moves forward. So, in a way, they were still best friends, in the same way that he was with Yongbae, but their bond ran far deeper, deeply engrained.

 

Perhaps partner?

 

There were many ways to apply that word to them in the long evolution of their relationship. Seunghyun had been both his greatest creative muse, someone that he could bounce ideas off of, and return with the perfect solution, and the only partner he found that could energize him with a mere look. He'd known the other man for so many years, and he stood alone, completely alone, in that distinction, above everyone else.

 

His eyes flickered down to his cup of water as he chewed over another possibility.

 

It was one that he couldn't possibly utter aloud, but he'd already opened the can of worms, and Jiyong was relying on his quick thinking to try and pull a useable one out.

 

Seunghyun could quite possibly be considered the greatest disappointment of his life.

 

There had been a time, a very long time ago, where he let his attraction to the other man get the better of him, and Seunghyun hadn't exactly rejected him. They'd always been aware of the rumors, and the ideas that there had been something between them, and in their personal lives, they might have toyed with the idea, but it had never went any further than a few intense make-out sessions, and -fests in the dark. It wasn't until many years later that he understood why they stopped before they got further.

 

In those days, Big Bang's future had been perilous.

 

And while South Korea hadn’t been, and still wasn’t, a beacon of progressivism, in those days, revelations like that would've ended it all before it could being with any zeal.

 

Coupled with the pure integrity of the band's working relationship, Jiyong had let that dream go, because if things hadn't worked out, it would make working very awkward.

 

The truth was that he loved Seunghyun, he couldn't say for sure if the feeling was mutual, at least not in the way that he loved him, but he knew where he always stood with him. To this day, no matter how old they got, Ji was sure he'd always carry a little flame around for Seunghyun, a little piece of him to quiet that feeling of discontent.

 

The first boy he ever loved, the first boy he'd ever kissed.

 

Maybe his first love?

 

His first real one at any rate.

 

And that brought about another perspective, because Seunghyun had always been the source of an intense hatred for him, hatred, laced with a burning sense of anxiety.

 

Because in the many years since they flirted with the idea, he'd been forced to watch Seunghyun go through girl, through girl, through girl, and pretend like it didn't tear him up inside. He liked to think that Seunghyun never did it on purpose, but it didn't change the fact that he was doing it, and Ji hated him for it.

 

He hated him for not falling on his knees, and begging him for a chance to see what they could become.

 

He hated Seunghyun for his presumption that he could try and take his own life, several times, and that there wouldn't be anyone that wouldn't be destroyed in grief.

 

He hated Seunghyun for his presumption, for his ego, his pretension, and attitude.

 

Or maybe he loved him for it, for it all – that was why he loved him as much as he did.

 

And like a light being flicked on, the phrase that fit what they were the best was drawn to the forefront of his mind, and he knew that it would be intrigue viewers, and amuse Seunghyun. Maybe it would be safer to call Seunghyun his best friend, even though it wasn't the truth, because if he did that, it wouldn’t create half the problems that his first choice would.

 

But Ji knew that now that the real phrase had come to mind, he couldn't lie.

 

He locked eyes with Seunghyun again, before turning back to the MC.

 

"I'd say soulmate," Jiyong murmured, that tone, at least, was very much real.

 

Soulmate.

 

The audience expressed their delight with a various cacophony of noises, while the MC looked pleased to draw such a wonderfully provocative answer out of his guest.

 

The boys looked to be in various states of comically done-up disgust.

 

And when Jiyong risked a look at Seunghyun, his sharp features were perfectly stoic.

 

Save for the slight upturn at the corners of his lips, and his twinkling eyes.

 

Jiyong smiled patiently, and turned away, all the while knowing two things:

 

With three words, he'd just reignited all of those old rumors about him and Seunghyun with an almost effortless . He wasn't quite sure if he was more amused by that, or tickled, and he'd be lying if he hoped that it grated on whatever female Seunghyun was taking to his bed.

 

The second, and most important part, was that he knew he'd just reopened the wound.

 

Seunghyun was smart, he knew how to read between the lines, and he'd want answers.

 

---

 

It wasn't that it was getting too hard.

 

That wasn't it at all.

 

Even though he knew well enough to know that it wouldn't last forever, he had just as much energy, and drive, to continue at his relentless pace as he did when he was twenty. It wasn't the physical side weighing him down, as much as it was the emotional side – and in many ways, that was far more terrible. He could sleep with a headache, or an aching ankle, that type of pain could be snuffed out with an ice pack, or a small pill.

 

There was no way to rip his emotions out.

 

Sipping on his wine, he looked out at the gleaming lights of Tokyo, and frowned.

 

He liked to think he had no regrets, and he didn't, for the most part, but there was something about that damned question that had unearthed things that he thought he'd left buried in the past. Under a seemingly endless amount of hurt feelings, bitterness, anger, and pining, he thought he'd left those feelings locked in a box, and buried six feet under. That had been the only way that he'd been able to press on from Seunghyun and be near him, it had been the only way to get him through the usual grind of their lives.

 

Without ramming a microphone through his skull.

 

Or pining him down, and begging him to him until his eyes crossed.

 

A knocking at his suite door drew him out of his reverie, and he knew exactly who it was, because he'd been expecting it from the moment they'd left the television studio.

 

Seunghyun was nothing but punctual, but he also thanked his heaven and stars that he also valued privacy. Whatever the other man had to say to him, it was best said in private, good or bad, and Ji had to admit that he didn't have a clear bearing on the turn that this conversation was going to take. Ever since they'd gotten back from hiatus, behind the scenes, things had been awkward, stiff, hesitant between the two of them.

 

There was still quite a bit left unsaid between them after what happened.

 

As much as he'd been relieved to know that Seunghyun would make it out alive, there was still quite a bit of resentment buried there. He'd been going so fast that he never had time to slow down and deal with the fear that him nearly dying had unleashed.

 

How could you do this to me?

 

How dare you think it's okay for me to put you in the ground without knowing the truth.

 

Jiyong had spent years rehearsing what he might say when the opportunity arose.

 

you.

 

You selfish bastard.

 

I love you so much, it hurts how much I love you.

 

Don't leave me.

 

And in all of the infinite possibilities, Jiyong had never managed to find the winner.

 

He could honestly say that between the time of Yongbae's wedding, and the day that all of them reunited at YG to begin mapping the new album, they hadn't had a single conversation. They had tried to get together before hand, to settle things, but that meet-up had been as stiff as possible, and ruined by overzealous fans and their cameras. The conversation that they had at the wedding had consisted the usual hollow pleasantries, and thinking about that encounter, to this day, made him cringe.

 

He set his wineglass on the small end table near the window and spun on his heels.

 

Padding along, he feeling the carpet between his toes, he found that his heart was racing as he approached the door. He knew it was Seunghyun, he was only three rooms down, his staff had standing instructions to leave him alone until the next morning, and even if the sky was falling, they knew to text or call him beforehand.

 

Arriving at the door, he took a single second to look through the peephole.

 

And his heart began to pound faster at the sight of Seunghyun.

 

Ji wanted to slap himself for his stupidity, for the quaking ball of anxiety that had formed and lodged in his stomach. All of the bad feelings aside, he had to remember the reality of what the man on the other side of the door meant to him.

 

Other than his parents, other than Yongbae, there was not a human being alive that knew him better than Seunghyun. Seunghyun might judge him, yes - but he would never judge him, and think less of him as a result of that judgement. They'd have an argument, they'd fight for a few days, and then either he'd feel guilty, or vice-versa, they’d apologize,and then all would be well.

 

Seunghyun was no threat to Ji, because Ji had never been a threat to him.

 

He had to remember that.

 

He could be vulnerable with Seunghyun, the other man wouldn't take advantage.

 

Taking a deep breath in, he steeled himself as best as he could, and opened the door.

 

Pushing it back, and blinking past the rush of noticeably colder air that was coming in from the corridor, he, and the object of his obsessive thoughts, locked onto each other.

 

There were no words spoken between them, that wasn't what the moment was for.

 

Ji leaned against the doorframe, and folded his arms over his chest.

 

Their industry had the reputation for going to whatever means that were needed to preserve youth and beauty, even when it wasn't need. It never mattered if it was makeup, or a special kind of lighting, or even cosmetic surgery, name the solution, and he could name dozens of people that had opted for every option. As he looked into Seunghyun's eyes though, he reflected that either he was so in love with him that he was delusional, or that the other man hadn't aged so much as a day in many years.

 

Maybe it's the light.

 

Or maybe he'd gone ahead and had the plastic surgery.

 

Not that Ji thought he needed it or anything, even in that rough year, he still looked like the Statue of David. His eyes might have betrayed just how tired he was, but looking him now, even the indescribably tangible sense of exhaustion, had been eliminated.

 

"May I come in?" Seunghyun's voice was rough, as if he'd just woken up.

 

Ji nodded without a word, and stepped back to usher him into the room with an arm.

 

Seunghyun blinked at him at him, and wordlessly stepped through the threshold.

 

Standing there, he looked at the empty space where Seunghyun had been standing, and then turned to look left down the hallway, and then to the right, before turning in.

 

He couldn't help but feel that something very important was about to happen.

 

---

 

 

"You want a drink?" Ji asked, walking around him to the end table.

 

On the sleek varnished table sat the crystal tumblr filled with the bitter brown liquid, and Jiyong idly wondered if he should take the initiative and refill his wine. He had no idea how this was going to go, if it was going to be a boring talk, or an explosive one. It wasn't a good idea to probably have an argument with him while he was drunk, but, and maybe it was out of sheer habit, he had to have something to give him a backbone.

 

"No thanks, I gave it up years ago," Seunghyun dismissed, and Ji couldn't help but choke on the lump that appeared in his throat, and looked back at him in disbelief.

 

Seunghyun merely blinked back, stoicism still firmly in place.

 

He couldn't help but smile at the mask, and laugh as he set the tumblr down, and grasped his wine, "I guess we all did some maturing on our time off? Don't you say?"

 

"I agree," Seunghyun spoke so softly that he was practically murmuring.

 

When his glass was sufficiently full, he placed the bottle back, and took a deep breath.

 

There was no use in beating around the bush.

 

"What brings you here this late?" Ji asked.

 

"I had the feeling that we need to settle a few things," Seunghyun replied, and Ji carefully kept his back to the other man to hide the expression that came over him.

 

The way he said it, with such a tone of finality, it was like a stab to the heart.

 

Finality. Seunghyun.

 

He couldn't help but flash on the days when he would have to go out on stage, pretend that all was well, and then go back to his hotel suite, and stay up all night waiting for updates. There was the hellish week where he had braced himself for the phone call that would tell him that Seunghyun was dead, and he could could safely say that as long as he lived, that week, among all of the other weeks, that would be among one of the worst.

 

"You say that like this is the end of something?" He probed gently.

 

His back was still carefully turned towards the window.

 

"Maybe it is," His cryptic response was the only response that he offered.

 

And that destroyed whatever basic control that he had over his temper, because without warning, he slammed his wineglass down on the table, and him.

 

"If that's the case," He folded his arms over his chest. "Say what you've got to say."

 

Seunghyun raised an eyebrow, "You first."

 

It was a dare, he was bluffing, and the both of them knew it too.

 

One day, Jiyong supposed, people would tell stories about them, and the lives that they led, and he wondered if those storytellers would be able to properly convey just how stubborn the both of them were. If he was only less stubborn, he would've been run out of this business years ago, and Seunghyun might've never have even entered it. Maybe they'd both be stuck in some middle management civic-job, bobsledding faster and faster towards middle-age with more grace than they were doing right now.

 

Or maybe they would've gotten together years ago, and not have wasted all this time.

 

"I want you to know how terrified I was when I thought you were going to die," Ji hissed, and as he had feared, when he began to actually vocalize the words, the dam burst. "Those first two days, I didn't sleep at all, I was sure that I was going to get a call telling me that you were dead, and I want you to know how ed up it was of you to let them get to you. Even when all of that bull was going on, I would've thought that you would know that your death would destroy me, it would be destroy a lot of people."

 

The other man was painfully silent, but it was clear that he was listening.

 

At least he was doing that much.

 

He hadn't blinked since Ji began his little rant.

 

"And over some girl too - I'm still not sure why that annoyed me more than anything. I thought you were smarter, I thought you were smarter than to be done in by some you were chasing," Ji was hissing at this point, and Seunghyun still hadn't given him any indication that he was listening. " you - you have no idea how much I-..."

 

He couldn't finish the sentence, and before he burst into open tears, he turned away.

 

Fighting back the tears, he shook his head, and tried to regain some composure.

 

All the while, he found that he simply couldn't look Seunghyun in the eye and say it.

 

"I guess, what I'm trying to say is that we're not kids anymore," Ji said.

 

Seunghyun's quiet chuckle drew him back around, and Ji was monetarily frozen by the look of amusement on the older man's face. Raising a brow, he couldn't quite help but poke a stick at whatever possibly was making Seunghyun want to laugh about this.

 

"What's so funny?" He snipped.

 

"You make it sound like we're ancient," Seunghyun replied.

 

"We're not teenagers anymore."

 

Seunghyun stood up from the chair, and placed his hands on his hips, "And we're not dead either. But you are right, we aren't getting younger - and instead of doing it on television in front of millions of people, I feel like we should be honest with each other."

 

With every syllable, with every word, Seunghyun encroached further and further into his personal space, taking every bit of breath that he had in his body with him. Seunghyun had violated his personal space so much that he was only stopped when he found himself backed into the end table. He might have even let out a gasp when he felt his bottom bump into it, and he knew he gasped when the other man slapped his hands against the window behind them, trapping him, giving him no opportunity to run away.

 

"I-..." Ji's voice failed him as he locked eyes with Seunghyun.

 

Their eye contact didn't break.

 

Seunghyun seemed to convey what they both knew he had to say.

 

The gleam in his eyes being the push that he needed to just come out and say it.

 

"I love you," Ji said breathily, managing to find the courage to say it a second time, and with remarkable clarity, all things considered. "I'll never love anyone else like I love you, and I'm so ing angry that you could've died and I would've never have told you."

 

Finally.

 

After all the years that they'd known each other, he'd admitted it.

 

He'd known Choi Seunghyun for over half of his life, and he'd finally been able to dredge up enough of a backbone to admit to the other man that he loved him, Ji only wished that he'd done it earlier, under better circumstances.

 

Ji wished that he could go back in time, to the days when things were simpler between them, where he could just say it.

 

But he was reminded again, that in those days, such things wouldn't be permitted.

 

Seunghyun was remarkably composed, even as the corners of his mouth drifted up.

 

Things were ed up, things were so ed up between the two of them that Ji felt himself stupid for even considering that things could go back to normal, or even progress forward, like it would with normal people. Their relationship had been, throughout its long existence, both a battlefield, and a paradise, and no matter how calm, or destroyed, it was, there were always hidden landmines lurking in the ground.

 

They were always waiting.

 

Just to blow up, no matter how good or bad it was going.