A heavy sigh escapes his lips as he slowly opens the door. It is cold as it is the season of winter again. He smiles when he enters feeling that he’s home. He’s finally home.

Roaming his eyes around the house he spent his years with, he feels a lump on his throat. He doesn’t know what to do. It’s been a month full of loneliness and regrets. It’s not like he’s literally alone, but the feeling like you are too guilty to talk to someone, open up, and tell him everything what you feel like is much more tragic, he thought. He has been constantly thinking of the possibilities, of the what if’s:  what if he never said those words, what if he just held everything in, what if he endured some more, what if he realized everything sooner, then it won’t be like this. It won’t feel like .

He fights the tears threatening to fall as he slumps his tired body on the sofa.

I miss him he thought, praying to the gods that he would hear it.

He is tired, but sure, he has to fight the sleepiness away trying to open his eyes, because tonight, he will try, this time, he’ll fix everything.

Dragging his heavy body, he made his way to the kitchen to cook something. He missed doing this, going home to a silent room and quickly prepares everything for him. For his husband.

Because for the pass months, he has been going home, directly going to his room, without even trying to do something and welcome him.

It is nearing ten o’clock, and he is sure that he would come home at this hour. He patiently waits for him to arrive hoping that they could talk, praying that he still stands a chance.

However, it is already quarter to eleven but the man still isn’t home. He is worried sick thinking of what might have happened. Is he alright? Is he seeing someone already?

Thinking the latter thought makes him flip his stomach. He can’t fathom the idea of his husband seeing someone else.

He wants to wait more, he can never let this pass for another day of awkward silence.

He doesn’t want the feeling of keeping his self from even hugging, kissing, telling ‘I’m sorry’ ‘I love you’ to his own husband.

He’s tired of it, and most of all, it hurts. However, his sleepiness doesn’t help him and soon, he dozes off to sleep.

A little while later, he felt a warm hand cupping his face. He could hear a deep voice calling him.

“Baek”

He’s now fully awake. He missed this. He damn miss his voice, that ‘Baek’, his warm hands cupping his face, everything. Just everything from his husband.

He is trying not to cry, he wants to hug him, burry his face on his wide-broad chest and say his apologies, his reasons, everything he has been keeping for a month. Tell him again the three words he has been dying to say and has been dying to hear.

He hears a loud sigh and then he feels his body being lifted up. Baekhyun knows at all, he knows what’s happening. His husband is carrying him as he tries to pretend he is in deep slumber. He’s good in acting, afterall.

He then hears a door being opened, sensing that he is in his own room. For a month, of messing everything up, they have been sleeping in separate rooms.

For about five long strides from his husband, like he is some precious gem, his husband lays his body to the bed. After awhile, he feels like him caress his head, paying his hair all over again. He wants to open his eyes but the feeling of someone staring at you, he loses all the guts he has.

“Were you tired? Tsk, you must be that you had even no time to change and even slept on the sofa” he hears him say as if mocking him for behaving like that. He knows why he’s been talking like that. He knows that for a month, only in this way, Chanyeol can talk to him like that. “Baekhyun-ah, were you tired of me too? Are you tired of us too?” he wants to scream ‘no’ but he hears a broken sob escaped through the other one’s mouth.

Was he crying?

He feels the bed move and an arm is suddenly secures his body. He slowly opens his eyes, careful that he might get caught but closed it again when he feels his head being brought to the other one’s chest, while Chanyeol’s left arm is holding him so tight afraid and aware that anytime, Baekhyun would leave.

“ I am sorry for taking an advantage to you everytime you sleep, but this is the only time and way I could do this to you, Love.” He feels him burry his face on his neck.

He was planning to just go on and continue pretending that he’s asleep when he felt like drops of liquid on his shoulders.

, he is crying.

He then hears him sniff then suddenly he feels so cold. “Good night, Love. And please stop overworking yourself.”  He slowly opens his eyes seeing only his back opening the door and was already ready to leave.

Panic immediately runs through his body. He doesn’t actually know what to do. What if Chanyeol decides to finally let him go?

He abruptly rises from the bed, frantically opens the door and ran through the stairs, unaware that his husband is looking at him confused. A scream is heard when he slips on the last step and fell down. “Be careful!” but he doesn’t care, what he needs now is to hug him, kiss him, and tell him everything is there he needs to tell him.

A concerned Chanyeol ran to him and crouches down holding him so gently. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

He pulls Chanyeol to himself  too hard and hugs him never wanting to let go. “Baek-Baekhyun, what’s wrong?” Chanyeol’s unsureness of his voice makes him want to scoff but instead a sob was released. He is clutching into Chanyeol’s shirt, still not answering him. Chanyeol pulled away Baekhyun doesn’t move an inch, instead just tightens his unto him. “Baek, please. Tell me what’s wrong so I’ll know what to do.” The shorter could only shake his head and still cries into him. He is still in deep emotion that he never noticed his husband is already carrying him like a child as the taller walks to the couch and settles him on his lap.

This time, Chanyeol forgot his distance.

And sure, after what he did, Chanyeol still loves him.

The taller cups his face for the second time of the night while frowning at him. “Did something happen?” the shorter shakes his head while looking at Chanyeol. “Nothing”

Chanyeol sighs as he hugs his husband while rocking him left to right. “Then why were you crying?”

Even after pushing him away, Chanyeol still cares for him.

He is ashamed to tell him his reasons. Why? Because Baekhyun regrets the day he told him to end everything. For awhile, he realized that Chanyeol would leave him. He is afraid that he would eventually sign those divorce papers he gave to him just last night.

I am stupid.

This time, it was Baekhyun who pulled away first and finally looks at his husband’s confused eyes. Those are puffy and red, obviously, he was crying. He looks at him as Chanyeol stares him back. And there, he saw Chanyeol’s eyes widen as the realization hit him that he is getting too intimate to him.

The taller attempts to carefully put him away from his lap but Baekhyun won’t budge. Chanyeol stares at him again, as if questioning him what’s going on. He felt the way his husband looks at him. It makes him feel so exposed but it feels comfortable as he is used to it. The nostalgia he feels, remembering all the good times he spent with him.

His eyes make its way to Chanyeol’s hand, which is holding his shoulders to prevent him from fallingand a lump of throat was again felt he saw the ring. The ring which is a sign that he is married to him. His lips quivered as he realized that Chanyeol doesn’t want to let him go too.

“Baek?”

“Do you still want me?” Baekhyun interrupts him from talking only further. He still looks at the finger that glimmers through the lights around the house. When he feels like Chanyeol isn’t going to answer him at all, he lifts his gaze and there he saw his eyes mixed with pain, confusion and-

Love.

The answer was clear.

But Baekhyun has to make sure. They hold each other’s gazes for a very long time. Chanyeol is still not answering and it scares the out of him that he never noticed a single tear escaped his eyes while looking at the taller.

I deserve it, afterall.

The taller brings his hands on his face wiping away his tears but Baekhyun is so stubborn that new tears would only stroll down his cheeks. “I do Baek, I still do and I am so ed up. Clearly, you don’t want me anymore and I can’t do anything about it.” Baekhyun cries so hard to that and it fears Chanyeol.

He doesn’t want his little husband to feel guilty for getting tired of their relationship,  for falling out of love for him. Would it be wrong to tell him that for a month, he’s been crying his heart out? Would it be a mistake if he tells Baekhyun that it scares him losing his husband? Would it be selfish of him not to sign those papers and fight back to this whole mess?

But it would hurt him see Baekhyun suffer, because what’s important for him is his husband’s happiness.

“You’d still want me even when all I did to you is to hurt you?” Chanyeol smiles gently at him but pain is still evident on his eyes. “Baek, I really have to admit that yes, I am. I still do love my husband even when how stupid he-“

Chanyeol doesn’t get to finish his sentence when Baekhyun brings his lips to his and kisses him. No words are needed as Chanyeol pulls his little husband’s legs up to his waist. Standing up, he feels Baekhyu runs his hands to the hem of his shirt. “Baek” Chanyeol was about to say something.

No this is wrong. I can’t do this to Baekhyun.  Chanyeol thought   

However, the shorter is so eager and beat it up to him and grinds his hips against Chanyeol’s hard member creating a friction. The taller made its way to his room still carrying him while giving sloppy kisses.

Baekhyun wakes up feeling a bit tired and heavy. He rolled to the other side of the bed but feeling that it was empty. He panicked afraid that, Chanyeol left him after the night they shared. He still haven’t told his husband afterall about what he truly feels. He rises up but instantly regrets it as he feels sore on his lower back part. Chanyeol isn’t beside him and he felt like crying again. But when he sobs hard, the  door is suddenly wide opened revealing a tall man smiling. The taller’s smile disappeared immediately as he noticed his little husband is crying again.

“B-Baek, why are you crying? D-Do you by any chance, regret it?” the shorter nods his head and Chanyeol feels like he was slapped hard on his face.

“oh” Chanyeol kept his distance but sure, he was disappointed and angry, not to his Baekhyun but to himself. For losing any of his controls last night. For him, it was made by love, but for Baekhyun, it was just for lust. And it breaks his heart even more.

For a while, he thought it was finally over. The grief, the pain, the betrayal, the lost, everything. He thought, that finally his husband is back, his Baekhyun is back. But no, his little husband regrets it.

The thoughts running through his head are cut off when Baekhyun scoots closer and makes his way to him  “I regret breaking it off to you, I made such a huge mistake of even thinking to divorce you.” Having said that made him relieve and then he hugs Chanyeol so tight, promising him that he would do everything to bring them, the old C&B, Mr. Parks back.

“I’m so sorry Yeol, I am so sorry for even thinking that I was tired, that I regretted the day I married you. I was so stressed, the pressure, the work, everything and I just put it all out on you.”

Baekhyun keeps on apologizing but what Chanyeol heardis enough. He pecked his little husband’s lips, it was short but sweet. “Stop apologizing , Love.”

“No! I did so many terrible things and this, me apologizing is not even enough.” Chanyeol kisses him again, it is long, and sensual. “Hubby, I think, we should stop kissing right now- OH GOD” Baekhyun immediately gets the blanket that is now on the floor. He totally forgot he is freaking and his hard member is showing all proud with his own glory. Chanyeol, for the first time, after a month, laughs. He laughs wholeheartedly and after awhile smiles teasingly when he notices his husband stares at him. “I have been seeing that a lot of times, Love and look! We need to do somehti-

Baekhyun slaps him on his chest while frowning “Shut up!”

They spent their time on their room cuddling. Baekhyun missed this, he missed his husband, he missed lazy mornings, he missed everything and right now, he looks at his husband smiling creepily at him. “What?”

“You thought I left, that’s why you cried?” Chanyeol hates to admit that he is happy, Baekhyun is afraid to lose him. However, the shorter does not answer to that because clearly, he really did. He feels stings on his eyes remembering how hard it was to breathe just thinking that Chanyeol really left him.

“H-hey, hey Baek, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it that way, I was just really at the kitchen cooking for breakfast. Love, please. Stop crying!” Chanyeol panics when he saw his husband’s face. He immediately hugs him assuring him he won’t leave.

“Baek, I love you, and no matter how many times you push me away, I won’t leave. You should know that, okay?”

“I love you too.” Chanyeol stils frozen at that. He can’t be wrong, Baekhyun just told him the words he was dying to hear.

“What?” He heard it loud and clear, but he just wants to hear him say again.

“I love you too, you .” Baekhyun scoots closer, as he gets Chanyeol’s arm to wrap it around on his waist.

“So the papers” Baekhyun sighed, the filing is still going and no, he is going to talk to his lawyer to tell it to her he backed out. That they both don’t want them separated anymore.

“I burned them” Chanyeol says nonchalantly as he tightens his hold to his now shocked husband while giving him a kiss on his temple.

Love is hard, but with Baekhyun, it is all worth it.