Trigger Warning: Mentions of Suicide

The idea itself sounds impossible right now. I stare at my door for an hour, time slips through my fingers like sand, before I know it, it’s dark. My jaw hurts as I open it, telling myself, “I need to get up.” It’s been two whole days since I’ve been to work, since I’ve been outside, since I’ve talked to another, since I’ve eaten anything. My fridge is empty, heavy limbs have kept me from buying anything for it, my bed has kept me prisoner and my mind has formed a fog, crowding my mind with nothing but reasons not to get out of bed.

So I haven’t.

But my stomach tells me it’s time. It cries and aches and begs for something other than another glass of water. I push the thick covers off me, forcing myself to get out of bed for the first time in hours. I find whatever pants I can claim are clean enough before pulling on my boots and heading out of my apartment. The chilly night air nips at my cheeks and seeps through my clothes, making me regret coming outside in the wee hours of the dark morning.

The convince store is only half a block away but it feels like a mile as I shuffle down the street, thankful for the empty sidewalks. Any kind of care I’ve ever taken in my appearance has been neglected these last few days, resulting in a loose bun of greasy black locks and unwashed bare face. I looked in the mirror at home but couldn’t get myself to fix either, unable to care enough, but now the idea of having another person look at me with disgust makes me want to cry. I almost hesitate outside the glass door to the store when a group of men meet me at the door. The tallest of the group grabs the door and holds it open for me, I look up at him only to be met with fake blue eyes. The rest of his face is covered by an expensive leather face mask, his eyes crinkle on the sides, the only sign that the nice man is giving me a genuine smile.

I want to return the action but I can’t get myself to do anything else but mumble a quiet thank you and go inside, the men follow in behind. They talk amongst themselves, chatting happily about something, their voices fuzzy to my ears. I scan the cold food in the containers organized so perfectly. I pick up one with just rice and vegetables, figuring it’s good enough for now. Heavy feet shuffle me to the cash register where a young man greets me in English. I say nothing as he scans my food, I pay, pick up the container, and spin around to walk away when I bump into the man who held the door for me, opening the container and spilling it on the floor.

I’m not sure if it is the way that the cashier cursed at me in Korean. Or how upset the man looks. Or that fact that my food is now all over him and the floor. Or that the other five men have all came over to stare. Or that my depression has reached it’s absolute low but I start crying. I crouch down, wrap my arms around my knees, burry my face there and bawl.

“What the hell is wrong with this crazy woman?” The cashier snickers coming around the counter, still speaking as if I can’t understand.

“You should watch your attitude,” The giant snaps as he brushes the rice off of himself.

“It’s not like she can understand.”

“That shouldn’t matter,” He snarls back. Crouching down to my level, or as close as he can get, he softens his deep, bear like voice, “Are you alright?” His accent is thick in the English words but I understand him fine.

“I’m okay,” I respond in Korean automatically.

“Do you speak Korean?” He asks.

I nod, peeking up from my arms I see him glare daggers at the cashier.

“Are you sure you are okay? I’m sorry about your food, I can get you another one.”

“No,” I wipe my face, ignoring the tears that are still pouring out. “Thank you but I’m just going to go home.”

“Soo-ya,” The giant calls over his shoulder, “Can you grab one please?”

Looking at his wide eyed friend I realize who is crouching in front of me right now. I scan over the other covered face, cursing myself for not realizing earlier. Kyungsoo rushes back to the cold section and comes back a moment later with a few containers.

“Since you caused a scene you at least owe her a few,” The large eyed man decides, setting the containers on the counter.

“Thank you,” I sniffle, “But I’m fine, really.”

The giant, Chanyeol, doesn’t believe, “You guys go ahead, I’ll see you later.”

“You sure?” Baekhyun questions.

Chanyeol looks into my eyes for only a moment before nodding, “I’m sure.”

The boys pay for their food before heading out, bidding their friend, and I, a good night. Chanyeol pays for my things that Kyungsoo picked out and a few snacks for himself.

Outside the store he stares around awkwardly, “Would it be alright if I walk you home? I promise I’m not some predator,” He confesses out of nowhere.

“You don’t have to do that, I’m not worth your time,” I answer honestly, taking my things from his hands. “I appreciate the food, thank you.”

“How about a walk or something?”

I stare up at him, “I don’t want your pity, I know I look like a wreck right now but I’ll be fine. It’s just one of my lows.”

“Do you usually go really low?” The giant asks hesitantly.

“It’s just part of the cycle, I’ll be jumping off the walls in a few days or weeks.”

He blinks at me for a few moments, “I don’t want to leave you alone.”

“Why?”

“You look like you need a friend.”

“Do you want to be my friend Park Chanyeol?”

He gulps, but nods, “I can be whatever you need me to be right now. I can just sit with you for awhile or something.” With a deep breath the tall man sits down on the curb and pats the spot next to him. “At least for a couple minutes, please. What’s your name?”

I give in, “Haley.” I’m not in any kind of rush to do anything right now. I sit down about a foot away from him, my arms wrapped tight around myself to stay warm. Neither one of us says anything, I’m sure the busy man is regretting his offer and is trying the think of every possible way he can get out of this. I don’t blame him, I don’t even want to look at myself, I can’t imagine how terrible I must look in his eyes, how worthless he must think I am. My eyes burn with held back tears, a few slip through though, forcing me to wipe them away quickly.

The window blows the cold air around us, I curl around myself tighter, Chanyeol surprisingly scoots closer towards me, his arm goes out for a moment before tucking back in against his side. “Are you cold?” He asks.

I nod.

“Would you like my jacket? Or if you want you could scoot closer, I’ve been told I’m good at blocking wind?”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Please stop saying that, I’m not doing it because I have to, I want to, you look cold.” His kind eyes beg me not to argue about it, I sigh and scoot a little closer, he follows suit and slides next to me so our sides are pressed together. Warmth radiates off the giant even through his thick winter jacket. “Do you mind my asking of what made you cry in there?”

I shrug, “It’s the depression,” I answer honestly. “This has been a bad couple of days for me, when it gets bad I just kind of start crying for no good reason.”

“I’m sorry if I triggered something for you.”

“You did nothing wrong, it could have happened if I had dropped a candy bar or something.”

“Is there anything I can do to make you feel any better?” His question throws me off. No one has ever asked me that before. I’ve been told I will feel better soon, that I will manage to pull myself up by my boot straps and get better. But I can’t. Not when all I want in life is for it to be over. Not when the idea of laying in the middle of the road waiting for a car sounds better than walking up to my apartment just to lay in bed for a few more days. I look at Chanyeol.

“Can you tell me not to kill myself?”

“What?”

“I see things online and read things in pamphlets but it’s different when someone tells you. The words feel less hollow.”

“Were you going to?”

I shrug, “The walk home isn’t long but a lot can change in a few steps when your mind is the enemy. There have been days when I’m walking to work and I’m standing on the corner of a busy intersection, cars zoom by. I think to myself that I could take two steps and…” I can’t finish my thought when I look at Chanyeol and see tears streaming down his face, eyes pink from holding them in.

“Please don’t kill yourself.”

A smile spreads across for the first time all week, “Thank you.”

“Can I give you a hug?” He doesn’t wait for an answer, his long arms scoop me and pull me into a tight hug, like we are friends reuniting after years apart. It lasts for a long time, like he forgot time was even a thing. When he pulls away he is sniffling, “I’m sorry, I just, I just really needed a hug.”

“That is the least I owe you.”

“Do want to go eat something?”

I stare at the food sitting next to me on the curb.

“I mean do you want to go get something to eat at a restaurant?”

“You don’t have to be worried about leaving me alone, your words can get me home.”

“I’m not worried about you, I don’t want to be alone right now,” He tells me with a small smile. “Last night I spent two hours crying alone in my car. I sat there thinking over my worth in life, wondering who would really miss me if I was gone. Then it got worse when I realized how ty it must sound for me to think like that, I’m surrounded by millions of people who would want to be my friend or lover but when those people are around me it feels so hollow.” Tears are streaming down his face making my heart ache.

“You can be surrounded by people and still feel alone, that doesn’t make you a bad person when the connection just isn’t there.”

Our bloodshot eyes meet, I try to show him as much understanding and warmth as I can, letting him know that right now, he’s not alone but it’s hard. It’s hard to give advice and encouragement to others when you barely have enough to keep yourself alive.

“What if I said I feel a connection now?” He wonders.

“I would say that is good because so do I.”

His eyes crinkle, “Does that mean I can have a little more of your time?”

“You can have my whole morning if you want it. I’m not in a big rush to get back home.”

“How about some breakfast? Something actually fresh?” The giant gestures down the street towards shops that should be opening for the day soon.

I nod, “But can we sit here for a little while still?”

He smiles, “Of course.”

I slowly wrap my small arms around his and rest my head on his strong shoulder. I’m not sure if what I’m doing is alright but when he leans his down to rest on top of mine I smile, “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” He chuckles, “I feel so light right now. I can’t remember the last time I cried and actually felt better when I was done.”

“Same here.” My heart feels so much lighter, though the fog in my mind lingers, it’s not as thick. Chanyeol’s presence and warmth help keep the darkness at bay for now. As we sit there I begin to feel Chanyeol shift next to me, I look at him confused.

The giant shifts on the curb, trying to reach his pocket to pull out his phone. “I don’t want to forget to do this,” He mumbles mostly to himself. He holds out his phone to me, “Is there any chance you would want to give me your number?”

I blink at him, “For what?”

“You will see.”

I hesitantly take the device and type in my contact information before handing it back to him. He then holds out his hand, requesting my device in return. I once again obey, I watching him type quickly before returning it.

“Don’t look just yet.”

He picks up his phone again and types for a moment or two before looking up at me expectantly. My phone buzzes in my hand, I laugh, actually laugh, at the message that lights up my screen.

From My Loveable Yeolie Reminders:

Good morning beautiful!

Your first reminder is that your life is worth living and that you are not alone! I’ve got you!

-Yeolie

“Now I just feel like an idiot for putting my name,” I grumble with a smile still on my lips.

“Oh, I changed that!” He turns his screen toward me, “It’s the same, my loveable Haley reminders.”

“This is for whenever we are feeling down?”

“Or happy, or excited, or angry, or lonely, I’m here when you need me.”

I smile, “Are you trying to make me cry again?”