The night was still young as it can be in Hongdae. Clubs filled with teenagers and youngsters. The shop here and there still had light reflecting from them, everything as crazy as before however in all this commotion there was a small café far apart from the crowded and alcohol reeking club places.

When seen from outside anyone can notice the obvious difference the café holds in, calm and serene mature vibe is what whispers when you get in and maybe that is why Jongdae prefers it. It always managed to give him some time alone to think over things let it be serious or lighthearted whether his mood was bright or down and upset.

There are times when his group of friends insists on coming with him. He wasn’t the type who can refuse people’s requests but he doesn’t want to get in childish arguments with them anymore over being accused of having a girlfriend but not introducing her to them. And maybe that’s why even if sometimes he hates their over active personalities he lets them tag along.

Tao and Kris were sitting beside Jongdae both trying their best to engage with their thoughts but Tao was surely having a harder time staying quiet because that just wasn’t him. This kind of place suffocated him. He preferred naughty and loud places like the place two blocks away but he couldn’t refuse when Kris asked him to accompany him. He knew Kris wasn’t the type to sit and go over things he had done either, the thoughts of it makes him laugh even, but he just couldn’t decline because he knew Kris was tagging along with Jongdae because of the major changes noticed in the latter life lately.

Jongdae was different. Everyone around him has seen the changes but not even one dared to speak of it cause the reason was as obvious as it can get. The sudden death of his father. Well…not many can say much about one’s loved death, can they? His friends have seen what he went through and the fact they can only stand by his side and do nothing else pained them more.

The calm vibe that surrounded all three of them was still deep, the youngest still struggling, when Jongdae’s phone broke the silence. He snapped out of his thoughts and answered it.

“Hey, Taehyun hyung.’’

As the seconds went by Jongdae’s face was rapidly changing from normal to shock then to utter disbelief of reality.

As soon as Jongdae finished his phone talk he got up from his seat abruptly, his eyes filled with tears and losing hope, making the others follow his lead and get up from their seat too.

“What’s wrong hyung?” Tao asked his voice trembling by the sudden change of the older one.

“They say Moonri was in an accident.” Jongdae answered barely able to get his voice out of his throat. And in a matter of seconds he found himself sprinting out of the café. It would be entirely false if it was said Jongdae running out like maniac didn’t surprise Kris and Tao but they knew better than to stand where they were, stunned, and leave him alone so they followed his lead once again.

It didn’t take long until both caught up with Jongdae, whose face was immensely and simple terrible, managing to stop him.

“What the hell are you doing Kris? Let go of me.” Jongdae cried out not liking one bit of the fact they were delaying him from going.

“Listen to me Jongdae! Running won’t get you there fast so…listen to me.” Kris snapped when Jongdae tried to run again while his hands were still latched on his wrist.’’ I will take you there. Get in the car.”

That however still didn’t make Jongdae believe taking the car was the fastest way even if his rational part did whisper to him it was indeed so. Before he even got the chance to contemplate, Kris’s voice laced with order boomed “Get.In.The.Car, and Tao, call the others.” and drove away.

Kris knew he was driving over limit but sometimes there are things that are wrong but are not quite wrong, in a complicated way. He also knew if some other thing was also meant to happen to Jongdae’s family again as much as crazy and sick as it sounds Jongdae might not be sane anymore so the only option left on the hand was to get there fast and find out what the heck happened.

On the passenger seat, another person was beyond shock, trembling. He just couldn’t seem to understand why the journey is taking forever. Even though he kept telling himself nothing would go wrong, he was not able to stop himself from imaging ‘worst-case scenarios’. He banged his head against the window every time he caught himself thinking of the worst possibilities.

As soon as Kris halted the car in front of the apartment building Jongdae unbuckled his belt and ran off to the gathered crowd. He started pushing people from the crowd praying so hard the girl lying on the ground was not Moonri. It couldn’t be her.

Kris got out of the car as soon as he could be joined by his group of friends. Minseok and Luhan were in front breathing heavily from running followed by Tao and Yixing at the back. Luhan was the first to speak “What is going on? Tao said something was wrong with Moonri?”

“I don’t know the details either. Jongdae went that way so let’s follow him.” Kris answered in a rushed voice and all of them went in pushing the crowd aside mumbling incorporated apologies.

Once Jongdae escaped from all of the people he pushed he saw that the thing that should never happen has happened. Moonri was the one lying flat on the ground with her head bleeding still bleeding. At that moment Jongdae was faced with a harsh realization knowing there was no going back. No more Jongdae who could laugh and blend in with people. Replaced with the broken and unfixable one. His world crumbling on top of his head and falling on him causing every cell in his body to ache and be in pain.

His eyes filled with tears in matter of micro seconds and his entire self-shaking. His legs unable to hold up himself anymore and immediately feeling like sinking on the ground. His knees were scratched in the process and stringed him but that was nothing compared to the pain he was feeling in his heart. His lungs were struggling to keep up with his heart rapidly beating making Jongdae run out of breath for a few good seconds.

There were a lot of emotions tied to his heart but there was nothing close to the grief. It was more than that in thousand different ways.

But there was some hope left behind that kept his heart beating others might call it false hope but to Jongdae that was all he had left; his last straw before sinking to madness, insanity.

He got up slowly and crawled to Moonri. As he got closer by inch that spark of hope began to deem. Reality slapped Jongdae across the face but he was in no position to keep the reality and fantasy apart. In fact, he didn’t want to acknowledge the difference between fiction and nonfiction or truth and lies. At this point, he would grasp anything if it could wake Moonri from the deep sleep she was in. He was still in denial.

“Moonri it’s your brother. Wake up!” Jongdae whispered.

There was no reply.

“Moonri! Moonri! I am here now.” he tried again but his plea lead to no answer “You do know this isn’t funny, right?”

He was getting impatient. Moonri was a light sleeper but there were times she used to make fun of him by acting she was asleep but now wasn’t the exact right moment for that.

“Moonri, both you and I know I am not a patient person!” his voice was getting louder.

“Oh for Christ’s sake Moonri wake up! Wake up and tell me I am ugly! That I am nothing close to Kris when it comes to looks! How much I resemble camel! Come on tell me Moonri I won’t hit you with any pillows!”

No replies.

 No witty comebacks.

Jongdae wanted to scream. He was feeling insecure and reality was dawning on him however he couldn’t give up. How could he? She was his little sister. He was supposed to be protecting her.

“Please Moonri! I am begging you please! I will do whatever you ask! I will go wherever you want! Please! Moonri please” he begged, cried and shouted in vain.

Kris and the others tried to tell him, get him up but there was no use. He got angrier each time they touched Moonri but the unavoidable came. Ambulance came and tried to take Moonri’s body but he wasn’t ready to back off yet. “Where do you think you are taking her? Don’t you dare touch her!” he shouted but his friends held him at last, each of them in tears.

“Don’t hold me back Luhan.” he snapped at first but then he realized he won’t let him go so he began pleading.

“Please…they are taking her away…oh God she isn’t dead…” Chen chocked.

“Moonri…Moonri…oh please…Moonri…” he clung on the last thread. He was frustrated. No one was seeing it from his point of view. She wasn’t dead to him. Not now. Not yet. 

“Moonri uunie!” a female voice hollered from behind gaining everyone’s attention. There stood Minyoung looking thunderstruck, jaw dropped and eyes filled with tears as she realized the scene in front of her.

Jongdae stopped struggling right away from his friends’ hold and ran to Minyoung. He held her tight and started her hair as she whimpered and cried her eyes out.

“Everything is going to be okay. Everything will be fine.” he whispered. He didn’t know what took over him when he saw Minyoung but something inside him snapped. Some realization dawned on him. If he was going to let his delusion run his life and stand there without Minyoung in his embrace telling her she has him by her side, he knew he will lose another dear person in his life once again along with the fact that he wasn’t ready for that.

       *Today could have been the day

               That you blow out the candle

                   Make a wish as you close your eyes”

Jongdae walked to the cemetery with a book and two flowers in his hand. He may have been a total mess for the last eight days only wearing a white V-line T-shirt and black jeans. He tried to look decent, at least in front of his late sister and father. He put the flowers both on each grave and whispered, “Happy birthday Moonri.” He put the book on her grave that he bought last month for her birthday to give her. He wiped his tears with his shirtsleeves ad sniffled trying once again to look fine. He was broken. There was no question about that however he had tried his best to look strong whenever Minyoung was around because after all he was the elder one.

He had felt miserably guilty for the past week to the point he couldn’t hold it anymore and visiting Moonri her grave on her birthday, the guilt resurfaced again but when he saw Minyoung approaching he wore his façade again.

“Jongdae oppa you don’t have to act tough whenever you see me you know.” Minyoung spoke in a low tone when she saw the change of her brother’s expression.

Minyoung indeed changed a lot but who didn’t? She was a lot mature now. She is no more the girl she used to be two months ago. A risk taker and careless too if it has to be mentioned nonetheless she never failed to smile whenever she talked about Moonri. “You can cry when you feel like it I can lend you a shoulder.” Jongdae smiled at his younger sister seeing how much she matured in such a short time and nodded.

“Wait is that ‘deep sky wonder’?” Minyoung asked surprised seeing the book in Jongdae’s hand. “She would have loved it. You know she had been looking for it for ages.”

Jongdae nodded once again. Moonri’s love for stars was a secret the whole world already knows and he knew that she was even thinking about graduating astronomy. He just didn’t know she would be taken away from them this fast, this soon.

                        *Today could have been the day

                           Everybody was laughing

                               Instead I am here and crying*

As they went back, both of them were swimming in memories of their sister. “Jongdae oppa you know Moonri uunie would have loved having a party today. Yeah, she might have said things like I hate crowded people and all but I know she always used to enjoy playing cards with all our friends in the evening. She would even smile to herself. I have caught her multiple times.” Minyoung grinned remembering the times they played games on her sister’s birthday.

However, for Jongdae it was getting harder to breathe, the repetitive usage of past words kept giving him reality check, which right now he wanted to avoid at all costs.

“You know what Minyoung? You go ahead. I will come after taking some fresh air.” he said. His eyes were burning, tears threatening to fall. Yes, Minyoung did say she is okay with it but he wanted to be the reliable brother, not the crybaby one.

Minyoung knew he was pushing her away again. Not letting her see his tears but she didn’t want to pressure him so she nodded and showed him a tight smile before letting him go.

                           *I am always asking why this

                             Crazy world had to lose

                                 Such a ray of a light we never knew*

As Jongdae and Minyoung parted ways, the latter went straight to a park nearby. He took a seat on one of the benches and started observing every scene that came into his view, children playing, adults looking after them and lovers everywhere which it all began to make his rage boil up. He felt angry and unfair by the fact no one really cared about what happened to other people except for their loved ones.

It may not be healthy or right, the fact that he is feeling outrage cause of this but at the moment, that wasn’t visible to Jongdae. He was just feeling resentment to the society he lives in, as they are oblivious to the hurt that lives around them. He was feeling the growing of frustration by the environment he is born and lives in because of their ignorance of the lost people who could have saved the world one day.

They could have been the sun but the society ignored it once again and that irritated Jongdae. Yes, he did know eventually he had to move on. Live his life twice or thrice harder than before to make up for the lost beautiful rays but it just felt like it wasn’t yet the time.

 Yes, he is hurt.

 Minyoung is hurt.

 Everyone who lost their light are hurt but nonetheless they must keep on living whether for themselves or for their loved ones.

Jongdae got up from his bench as his resentment subsided and his spark of hope lighted little better. He walked to his home and tried his best. As he opened the door to their home and went to his room, he saw the family portrait hanging on the wall.

Nine days have passed since Moonri died.

Forty-two days have passed since their father died.

All those days might have passed and most of them might have been filled with despair, grief, sorrow and remorse, but they were still days filled with memory and thoughts of them.

Every one of us fears death and feels panic taking over us when our loved ones are gone but we all know deep inside they will always be with us. It is just a matter of time until we realize that some of us take a shorter time like Jongdae while some others take a while longer like Minyoung who still can’t face her dread but either way we still think of them as a part of our life.

ALWAYS.

*Not a day goes by

    That I do not think of you

         You were just

               GONE TOO SOON…*

A/N -phew that was long and it was emotionally challenging writing it because I never really had lost someone that close to me so it was all purely based on my imagination and broken pieces of obstacles I had to overcome. I really hope you could understand what I tried my best to relay. The struggle to forget yet not to forget, the fight against accepting the reality or run away from it. “Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget.” this line from Twilight helped me a lot as well. It says what I wanted to say in just two phrases *the difference between me and Stephenie Mayer*

 Ah and the entries under ** were song lyrics taken from songs that inspired me for this particular spin off and the title was also taken from it. Thanks Christopher* /winks/ and here is our main lead for this spin off Kim Jongdae or as we all call him Chenchen Dooly the Dinosaur.

XO.