Those who come and go as they please, those who come and go only came when they needed something, those who never been there when i needed the most. Friends that i already consider as a friend is actually not.

I left people who willing to give their hand to me when i need it, yet.. i ignore them.

I regret it. A lot. I guess regret is a word that fits with me right now. 
Would those who i left are going to welcoming me back after what i did to them? No.. right?
After this thing happened it'll be hard for me to trust people, not because i didn't trust them, it's because i didn't trust my self. I'm afraid i'm going to make the same mistake. But, i lie if i say i don't need a friend. I do need a friend.. 
Those who i left..they look happy without me, and i like to keep it that way.
I learned from my mistake that being with friends is not always about material, is about who will help you when you in your worst time, who will catch you when you're fall, who will have your back when you need a support.
Hmm.. i used to sit here at a coffee shop near the large window with a book in my hand but today, i don't feel like i want to read. I just want to pay attention to people here. There's a guy who read news paper while waiting his order. There's an old man who smilling and laughing to the lady who happened to sit in front of him is his wife. And there's a bussiness man who grin at me because he spilled his coffee to his laptop and i stared at him for too long.. waaaay to long, i hope his laptop is okay. 
And there's a couple on the line. They look romantic, holding hands and she put her head on his shoulder. I smile while looking at them and start thinking when will i be able to do it? 
Well.. i did like someone before but that was long time ago and i can guarantee that is not love what i felt. Been busy with the job till you almost forgot that love is part of our life too. I heard people say about love is beautiful, love is blind, love is peace but sometimes love is hurt, is hurt so much that you will cry a river and having hard to breathe.
But for loving and caring that much.. i even asked the question for myself, am i willing to do that? Caring that much to one person? I don't know, like i said before i didn't trust myself. Sometimes i do wonder, when will my prince is coming? Dreaming about prince and live happily ever after, i know.. there is no such thing as happily ever after. Its just a standard fairy tale ending phrase. And my life is not as beautiful as a fairy tale.
But i'm hoping someone will walk into my life tho.. and he can make me feel special, and accept me for who i am. I know its such a cliche thing to say but, 'accept me for who i am' is the most basic requirement for a couple.
Life is not easy, But i'll stand and learn.
For my future friend, best friend.. or lover.. whoever you are, help me.. teach me so that i can understand. And i hope you won't leave me like what i did to those who i left before. And to those who left me.. thank you, i learned so much from you.

Can i have best friend and lover at the same time??


Ps : to the guy who spilled coffee before, is there something on my face?! Can you stop staring at me?!!!