There are days, hours, minutes, brief seconds, in which I still hear your laughter.

And there are weeks, month, years, in which you’re completely silent.

And I swear on everything I’ve lost, I’d do anything to trade all the years I have left for a few more instants filled by your laughter.

You’re my favorite sound, my favorite subject, my favorite colour, my favorite number. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I still remember that breezy autumn day in which you lit up my world with the brightest smile I had ever seen on a human being.

You were wearing purple. Your hair was lilac. You smelt like violets. You were purple. I had never liked purple before that day, but you turned it into my favorite colour in a split second.

Your smile. The purest yet most dangerous thing I’ve ever met. It drew me near you, it overpowered me. You overpowered me.

I had already been conquered by a single smile, but you decided to open your mouth, and in that moment, my soul belonged to you. Never had a sound made me feel so enthralled. Never had a voice spoke so much to me with such simple and brief words.

Yet yours did.

You saved me from my own demons, when you saw me all alone in the park and introduced yourself. I never told you, but in that moment, I was thinking about ending it all. You suddenly came closer and I saw the beauty in things again. You suddenly spoke and I heard the birds chirp again.

Was it love at first sight? No, no, that’s too romantic. I wasn’t one to fall in love, such insignificant feelings were never my cup of tea. But I had always been able to appreciate beauty, in all its little yet magical forms.

I had never seen such beauty, such various kinds of art in a single masterpiece.

And I think, in that moment in which you my hair, you made me feel things again. You made me feel.

I hadn’t been able to feel anything in such a long time I had forgotten what it was like to feel the warmth of an hand on my skin. I had forgotten how reassuring a single touch could’ve been.

I had forgotten what it was like to see a sparkle in someone’s eyes, but then I lifted my gaze and there they were, two pearls right on your face, below your bangs.

You took me out on that same day, and you told me you had been wanting to get to know me since a lot of time and that you had just found the courage to do so. I didn’t believe a single word at first, I still thought you were an illusion, since I had never seen you around before.

But then you started telling me how you used to watch over me on my way home from college, making sure I wouldn’t notice because you didn’t want me to think you were a creep, when you just didn’t want me to do something stupid when I was alone. And in that moment I understood that if I was still there, it was probably thanks to two sparkly eyes who observed me in the dark and prayed every night for my safety.

You touched my hand at a certain point, and asked me if you could hold it with the cutest shy giggle ever. I agreed, and again I felt my skin burn from the sudden warmth your hand carried within it. It took me less than one minute to realize that’s exactly how a living body should feel, and less than three minutes of hearing your voice and holding your hand to feel my own become warm again, as if blood had just started to flow in my veins again after what seemed like ages.

We bid goodbye to each other that day, with the promise of meeting again the next day. I found myself looking forward to seeing you again, to holding your hand again, to hearing your voice again. I was excited. After years of numbness and dullness, I felt my heart pound in my chest whenever I thought of you.

That night, I tried looking out of my window, something I used to adore doing when I was just a kid, and yes, the stars were beautiful again.

I opened my art book and yes, the pieces were beautiful again.

I took my sketchbook and I drew you, and yes, I liked what I made. I liked that little you staring at me from that paper.

I went to sleep with the sound of your voice lulling me.

The next day, the day after, two weeks later, a month later, a year later, I was again at the fullest of my youth. I felt all emotions again.

The sky was beautiful again.

The stars never lost their sparkle.

The sun never seemed less bright.

Your voice had become my favorite melody, and god, whenever you sang, I could’ve sworn the angels were talking to me.

I loved you so much, so much it was painful whenever I thought that might’ve all been a dream. But then, I just decided I would’ve never woken up.

I remember the first time I held you in my arms, and I remember you were soft and still smelt like violets. I remember being able to feel our emotions meet each other in that hug and melt together in the most beautiful one: unconditional love.

I was crazy about you. You were the only thing I could’ve never done without.

I remember the first time we kissed, or actually, you kissed me. It was sweet, passionate, addicting. If I had to give our first kiss a colour, it would be red.

I remember the first time we made love, how you held me throughout the whole act, as if you were afraid I could’ve broken between your arms. But in that moment, I couldn’t have wished for anything better than breaking into a thousand pieces right there, in your protective wrap. I still remember how every cell in my body was screaming to be touched, owned, by you.

I remember we did it many more times, and each time none of our feelings seemed to fade. I still craved being yours, and you still wanted me to be yours and only yours.

I would give anything, and I swear, anything, to have one of those moments back. To have you back. I miss you as much as I love you.

It all happened in one day. In the morning, I sent you off to work with my usual morning kiss, and in the evening, I was crying over your lifeless body.

That day which teared my whole life apart, that day in which you, my one and only, the love of my life, the precious memory in which I hid years of happiness, you, Shin Hoseok, were taken away from me.

That day in which everything seemed too unreal to cry at first, but in which crying was the only thing I could do.

In the end, the stars did lose their sparkle.

The sun did seem less bright.

The colours did fade.

I did lose you.

My worst nightmare had become real, and all in a bunch of seconds, as you were crossing the street, a few minutes away from home.

I cried so much on that day that I haven’t been able to shed a single tear ever since.

It was all too sudden, all too fast, even now, I still don’t believe you’re really gone.

But I have to.

Because I can’t hear your voice.

I can’t see your smile.

Your clothes that I have desperately kept, are losing your scent.

You’re dead, Hoseok. And so am I.

I died the instant in which you did. My heart stopped pumping blood and it started pumping poison. I’m slowly losing my sleep, I don’t eat anymore, I can’t feel anything anymore.

It’s worse than when you found me, Hoseok.

I don’t know what to do, Hoseok, I know you’d want me to go on, but I can’t. Not without you.

Nothing is beautiful, pretty, colorful, bright, anymore.

The world has moved on, to the point that I’m starting to think you were only figment of my imagination.

And maybe you were.

Maybe you were a miracle, sent from the skies to make me see how beautiful the world could be. Maybe I was selfish for thinking you would’ve lasted. Other people need their angel too, it was obvious you had to go.

Even the prettiest flowers wither in the end, but you disappeared too soon, my love.

I have never loved someone as much as I loved you.

And the fact that I can’t even get a grasp of what I used to feel right now is killing me.

I’d be glad if my heart could at least remember how loving you was like. The faint reflection of that feeling would be enough to keep me alive.

But I don’t have it.

My only one, how could you be so mean that you even brought the sun and all the colours with you when you left?

I tried looking for the sparkle in the stars, the beauty in pieces of art, I tried listening to my favorite songs,

but no star could replace your eyes,

no piece of art could match your beauty,

no song could replace your voice,

but I swear I did try.

I tried for two years. For two years I desperately followed the shadow of what used to be my life, our life. But it was all useless.

And now I realize, that while I thought you were making things beautiful, you were just putting a bit of yourself in all of them to make them look beautiful to my eyes, and now that you’re gone, they’re all dead.

I only now understand that while I believed I had gotten my life back, I only had you.

And what do you do when everything you’ve ever had is gone?

They say humans can’t survive without an objective, a reason to keep breathing.

If my only reason is that I want to see you again, wouldn’t it be easier to end it now?

I want to hug you again. To kiss you again. To feel your reassuring warmth on my cold limbs again. To love you again. To live the beautiful shock you’ve brought to my life all over again.

In the end, what’s the difference between death and my actual condition?

I can’t feel any kind of emotion, I can’t speak, I can’t eat nor sleep, I can’t leave this house, this house in which we shared so many memories.

Perhaps I’m already dead. Perhaps this is my punishment for not appreciating the beauty of life when I could. Perhaps you were part of the punishment, and I’ve been dead ever since.

Perhaps you were never real.

But no matter how unreal you might’ve been, I know these feelings, the ones I can barely describe with words right now, I know they were more than real, they were everything I could ever have felt.

If you were a lie, Hoseok, lie to me again, please. Deceive me again. Make me fall in your trap.

I’m sorry I never got to see you make it big as a singer, which I know had always been your dream. I’m sorry you had to go so soon. I’m sorry about so many things, but mainly because I left you alone for so much time, you always disliked loneliness.

I wonder if you love me so much that you want me to join you or even more, to the point that you don’t want me to reach you.

The only thing I know for sure is that I, Chae Hyungwon, don’t want to live in this black and white world you left behind you, Hoseok.

I don’t want to live in this world so cold and empty.

I could lie awake for years, just to watch your chest slowly inflate and deflate.

But I know your chest will never move again.

I know your eyes won’t see nor the beauty nor the ugliness of this world ever again.

I know I won’t ever wake up to your soft whispers ever again.

I know I lost you forever.

I know you’re so far gone that my feeble feelings can’t reach you anymore.

But still, I miss you more than the beauty, more than the sun, more than the colors, more than the stars.

You were a miracle, sent from the skies to open my numb eyes on how this world works.

And I swear on everything you are to me, if I could choose to forget everything we’ve been through and get rid of this oppressing pain, I would still choose to relive all the moments we’ve had together and to suffer like this all over again.

Because I love you so much that I’d overturn the universe to bring you back here.

Because no pain could ever be stronger than my love for you, not even the one of losing you.