Nepenthe - medicine for sorrow

It smelled like disinfectant. Much too sterile as compared to the filth and rot Taekwoon had gotten used to over several months of training. Did the afterlife really smell like disinfectant?

“He’ll make it.” Taekwoon could hear a male voice say “He got bashed up pretty good, but he’ll make it. Kwon, go check his bandages out.”

“He looks rather grotesque. It’s a little off putting Doctor Lee.” A lady’s voice reached his ears as he inhaled deeply, brain still scrambling to figure out what exactly was going on. Was the after-life such a rude place as it was sterile?

“Good lord Kwon, you can’t afford to be choosy,” the Doctor’s voice grumbled “Kim, at least check if he can hear us. He really looks like he’s been bashed up, I’m surprised he’s still breathing.” Taekwoon felt a soft hand grasp at his holding his calloused palm gently as a new voice made acquaintance with his ear which somehow made goosebumps rise on his skin. Her voice was deep for certain, but something about it felt solid enough to grasp and soothed his frazzled senses.

“Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”

Her hand was warm and supple, gentle and caring against his calloused ones. Taekwoon squeezed and felt her hand on top of his head, brushing the overgrown hair away, her finger’s meeting with the scalp of his head and the other gently reaching under the fabric of his uniform to test the skin on his stomach.

“He can hear us well enough. No fever caused by an infection. Broken ribs. We’ll need to clean him up and assess for any other internal damage.”

“Efficient as always Kim. Get him in and we’ll handle the rest. You’re in charge of him…since everyone else seems too put off by the bandaged head. ” the other voice came in.

“God Jaehwan, you make me sound terrible.” the initial voice that had called him grotesque grumbled as the person called Kim called back an affirmative as Taekwoon felt himself being wheeled somewhere. He hadn’t let go of the person’s hand, it was the only thing that told him that everything was real and whatever he could smell and hear beyond it was just as real as the hand that was holding his. He could feel the figure close to him, so incredibly warm, disinfectant masking a certain fresh scent lingering underneath.

“I’m Minah, once we assess what the damage is, and you can speak, you can call me that.” her voice was just as grounding as the warmth of her hand. Taekwoon wished he could taste her name on his tongue. But it felt heavy, like a piece of lead in his mouth, so he squeezed her hand in response and heard her let out a laugh. Just like fresh air filling his lungs, her short, soft laugh filled his senses and he held on. He let her take care of his bruised and broken body because he knew she would, he knew she would not let go.

Taekwoon didn’t know he could form a bond of trust with someone simply holding his hand. But here he was, placing his life in hers with the utmost faith that she would make things alright. That she would be the drug that would dull the suffering.

He felt her soul reach out to his to pull him out of the void of darkness. Maybe it was a figment of his imagination, but he felt his body relax to her voice. Things would be alright.

Maybe that’s what kept him going through it all. Minah was incredibly patient with him. She fed him with care, changed his clothes without complaint, sat through all the examinations holding his hand because he’d reach out for her. Sound tried to gurgle past his throat, but she’d hush him, ask him to take some time.

“Write on my palm,” she said as his index finger drew across her open palm deftly “Taek…woon, that’s your name isn’t it?” She said, smoothing his hair back from the heavily bandaged face “they’re going to fix your nose tomorrow Taekwoon. Then you’ll be able to speak again. They got the best surgeon for you. He said they’d give you a celebrity’s nose. God knows what that means, but we’ll be able to get the  bandages off you.” She laughed again, before  sighing “ Now, I have to attend to another patient, so I’m going to give you a dose of the painkillers for your ribs. Try and get some sleep alright?”

He liked that she made it a point to speak to him. That she talked him through everything she did as she injected the painkiller into the intravenous tube. Even in his drug induced drowsy haze Taekwoon tried to imagine what Kim Minah could look like. Would her features be sharp and defined or would they be mellow and pleasant? The pain in his chest dulled into a throbbing somewhere in the distance. What could a person who had given his frazzled senses such instant relief possibly look like?

“Had I know I had such a handsome man in my care I’d have put a barricade around you earlier.All of the nurses want to take care of you now.” Minah sounded amused as she unravelled the bandage around his head a week later. He blinked into the darkness. He had regained his voice, but not his sight.

His voice came out hoarse, shaky without use, his throat parched. Almost instantly a glass was held to his lips as he gulped down the cool water and cleared his throat.

“Thank you.” was the first words that left his lips after two weeks of silence. Minah smiled, setting the glass on the table beside his bed.

“You have Doctor Jaehwan and Wonshik to thank…is there anything you need? Something to eat maybe?  After that considered asking you if you’d like to write a letter home… your family might be worried. If you need me to be your scribe, I can…” she bit her lip, maybe she had said too much. She didn’t know how Taekwoon was as a man, but she thought he would like to send a note home “I’m sorry. I probably said too much. We’ll take it one step at a time…”

“I would like that.” Taekwoon’s voice didn’t match his face, but Minah found it incredibly pleasant.

“I’ll fetch your lunch and some writing paper then.” He could hear the smile in her voice and the sound of her footsteps leaving the space before returning minutes later with the scent of hospital food and the rustle of crisp paper.

It became routine soon after. In her breaks she would keep him company, feed him, fix his bed, write his letters.Sometimes, when Taekwoon would feel lonely, he’d tell her about his home and she would tell him about her hometown, just so he wouldn’t feel like he was just a person there. Taekwoon was known to be silent, but sometimes, the lack of conversation unnerved him. Especially when all around he could here was sounds of sickness and death mixed with the scent of piss, vomit, and disinfectant.

She’d sit with him through all the follow ups that Doctor Jaehwan conducted. The blindness was temporary, she told him, it was caused by a blood clot. Something that couldn’t be easily dissolved. They’d have to wait for his body to recover before he could do an invasive surgery to fix that problem. Taekwoon found himself placing his hands on his blanket as she scribbled away at his letter to his mother. The question bubbled past his lips.

“Will you be taking care of me till the surgery then?”

He heard her sigh, the rustle of papers being set to the side as she placed her hand on his giving it a gentle squeeze.

“I will take care of you for as long as you want me to Taekwoon.” she said, a moment of silence followed as Taekwoon blindly looked to the side.

“Do you think you could read to me?” he asked, wondering if it was too much to ask for, she felt like the only person who was his friend here and the reading would take his mind off things as they were, provide a short escape from the reality of himself  “that is, if you don’t mind.” He added quickly. The silence he got in response made him worry a little.

“If you don’t mind me reading to you after I get off work. I have no problem reading to you. Is there a specific title you have in mind?” Minah replied, ending the silence between them and Taekwoon smiled. Minah found that his smile was almost stark against the background of the war torn world. But there was a sweetness to it that made her return it, knowing well that he couldn’t see it.

Soon Taekwoon found himself looking forward to the evenings when Minah got off work, wondering what new story she brought with her. She always brought something cheerful, full of hope, set somewhere away from reality. Her voice carried him there, like a steady dream. Sometimes he would ask her to read the news to him, her voice sounded far more soothing than that which crackled through the transistor. She would always make it a point to ask him what he thought of the story and would discuss it with him till he fell asleep.

She was strong enough to lift his body, gentle enough to tend to his every hurt. Taekwoon wondered if he was becoming far too dependent on Kim Minah or whether he craved her company because he had no other. But things cleared up with the Nurse Kwon came in place of Minah. He felt frazzled and awkward as she fixed his pillows and shifted the stand holding his intravenous medication.

“You’re a handsome guy, I feel bad for turning you down when you came in” she stated, as Taekwoon gazed into the distance, lips pressed tightly together “oh, so you’ll only speak to Kim, eh? I see how this is. Well too bad, she had to abandon you because Jaehwan wanted her to assist in a complex surgery.” she grumbled, unaware how uncomfortable he felt. He felt a pang of worry. Would Minah truly abandon him for a new patient? The anxiety that had initially started off as a flicker, burned through his system. His chest hurt, and he wondered whether it was his healing ribs crying out in pain or whether this was what they called heart ache. Other nurses came through the day to fill in for Minah, they were all pleasant with him, sufficiently so. But nothing seemed to ease the ache, nothing seemed to fill the void.

Until he heard her say “I’m sorry I’m late.” every bit of tension had felt building over the day, eased. He heard her footsteps towards his bed and she fixed his pillow just right “I thought you’d be asleep though, it’s rather late.” she whispered. Taekwoon shook his head.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Did the other nurses give you a hard time? Or did you give them a hard time?” Minah asked as she sat down, sounding rather amused as Taekwoon pursed his lips.

“What did you bring to read today?”

“I take that it was the latter. I picked out a short story since it’s late.” she laughed, thumbing the pages of the old book in her hand. Taekwoon sank back into his pillow as he heard the chair next to his bed scrape against the floor as she drew it closer to him. Taekwoon found himself focusing more on her voice than the actual story. There was a certain rhythm to it, rising and falling like a melody. He closed his eyes, savouring it. He could hear the voice lull, as her own eyes drew shut as she leaned forward into his sheets. The exhaustion of the day finally catching up. Taekwoon started at the sudden loss of sound, but the warmth of her skin seeped through the sheets as she rested on his thigh, heavy breaths escaping her as she dozed.

His shaky hand reached out and placed itself on top of her head feeling thick and heavy hair as he smoothed his hand down the thick braid it was twisted into. The strong Kim Minah braided her hair, he noted, filing away the information somewhere in his brain. The same part of his brain formed an image of her. Beautiful, strong, kind, angelic. He smiled, eyes drawing shut again. She had long thick hair too.

Minah was surprised the next day when Taekwoon stopped chewing on the rice she had just fed him and asked “Is it possible for this surgery to go wrong?”

The silence told him that she was thinking and she sighed “it is possible for you to permanently lose your sight, yes.”

“Can you describe yourself to me?”

He heard the sound of hesitance at the back of followed by the sound of her setting the bowl on the bedside table.

“I’m no good with words.” Minah sighed “ So asking me to describe myself to you would be of no use. Instead, you’ll need to learn a skill. If you do lose your sight forever, you’ll need to depend on your other senses.” she said, her hands reaching out to grasp at his wrists and placing it on her face. Taekwoon gulped, feeling how soft her skin felt under his fingers. Her face was rounded under his touch. It moved when she whispered “draw a mental image of me, use your hands.” His fingers trailed over the flesh, feeling high cheekbones under her round cheeks, her eyelashes tickled the tips of his fingers as they trailed down the bridge of her nose. His thumb trailed over the swell of her lower lip which puckered under his touch.

“You’re just as beautiful as I thought you would be.” it slipped past his lips almost inadvertently, yet he meant every word. Her lips twitched upwards under his thumb.

“You know my favourite part of you, Taekwoon?” she deflected “you say things with such conviction,” she said, brushing his hair off his forehead “and I really love this birthmark. Right under your eye.” she said, her finger grazing right over the spot gently.

“You’re the first person I want to see when I get my sight back.” Taekwoon said as Minah looked at him fondly.

“Why is that?”

“Because you saved me.”

“You’re too nice to me Taekwoon. The doctors saved you.” Minah laughed, amused. Taekwoon’s hand dropped from her face, reaching to grab hold of her hand.

“This hand held me through the whole thing. I want to see the person who made this suffering dull.”

Gently pulling her hand away, she linked her pinky to his.

“I promise, I’ll be the first person you see when you wake up after the surgery. If you cannot see, I will still be the first person you hear and touch. You have my word.” she said with conviction that Taekwoon pulled her hand against his chest.

“Cross your heart and swear to die.”

“I cross my heart and swear to die,” she laughed as she leaned over to hug him. The fresh scent that clung to her filled his senses. He pressed his forehead against her shoulder, their linked hands between their chests “ I promise I won’t let go.”

He lifted their hands to his lips and sealed the promise with a kiss.

Taekwoon wondered about the gravity of their friendship. Minah had left to attend to another patient and Taekwoon could already feel his heart hurting. This was definitely not pain in his ribs. Minah not being around was causing heartache and Taekwoon, the ever guarded Taekwoon, wondered whether this was love. To find every second with her precious, to feel like she brought value to his life. To find that she was the only light he wanted to see. That he felt so safe in her presence even if there was a war being fought around them.

Maybe this was the new meaning of love in the face of war. It wasn’t just attraction. It was feeling safe in the face of anything. It was trust beyond words. It was friendship, care, and love. Minah gave him all of these and he hoped, beyond all hope that he made her feel the same way.

But Taekwoon never rushed into action. He always mulled over his thoughts, refining them until he was sure of everything. The war had changed his life even before he could take part in it, it had taken away so much, but it had also given him a new meaning of love. Maybe it didn’t count for much in magnitude, but it did count for something very valuable and that meant enough to Taekwoon.

What if this was just a utopia contained in the small space assigned to him in the hospital? he wondered. Because that was all he seemed to be doing now that the pain in his ribs had subsided, he was recovering quickly. What if this would all just be a memory after he leaves the hospital, with or without his sight. But he realized, as he fiddled with the sheets that covered him, that it was no point to constantly puzzle over something he would not know the answer to unless he asked.

“Minah,” he began as she drew the curtain around his bed, she hummed, acknowledging his call

“Your surgery is tomorrow, are you feeling alright?” she asked as she set the basin down on his bedside table.

“I wanted to talk about something.” he said, feeling the bed sink as she sat down in front of him, reaching to the robe they had clothed him in. This was a daily routine, but she slowed down her pace almost as an indication that he should speak.

“What’s wrong Taekwoon? Are you worried about the surgery?” she asked, hands sliding the robe off his shoulders, checking his skin for any signs of infection, fever, or bruising. Taekwoon wondered what would be the best way to address the person in front of him.

The warm sponge in her hand went over his long legs, cooling it while cleaning it. She shifted, knowing he was grappling with something and was trying his best to articulate it. Running the sponge over his skin, she wondered what would happen when Taekwoon would leave this hospital. The care and love he showed for her would simply be a memory of a friend he had made back when he was fighting the war. What if he didn’t make it? She worried, what if the man she had grown to love would not see the other side of the war?

“Would it be too selfish of me to say that I want to see you even after I’m better? Wanting to be a part of your life even after I leave the hospital?” he said feeling the cool sponge which had been travelling down his arm pause. It slid back up his arm and over his shoulder. Circling the smooth rounded surface of skin, Minah bit down on her lip.

“No. It would not be selfish. I would like that too.”

“Even if it means writing you letters every week?”

“Of course. I will write back to you as well.” she laughed,  sponge going behind his neck as she carefully maneuvered him forward, exposing his back to her. She gazed at the broad expanse of unmarred skin wondering where he was going with this conversation.

“What if at the end of the war, I come here with a ring for you?” he mumbled as she froze, sponge still in her hand.

“Are you proposing to me, Jung Taekwoon?” she asked, sounding a little incredulous as Taekwoon smiled into his lap as the sponge travelled down the dip of his spine shakily.

“I’m telling you I love you.” He said, looking up now, knowing that she’s sitting behind him. “If you will have me. Broken, bruised, and possibly blind.”

Yet again he was met with silence. For a moment, he thought he had ruined whatever they had between them. But her arms wrapped around his waist and her head rested against his back as she nodded into it. A shiver ran down his spine when he felt her figure against his, warm and soft. His hands reached to hers and he pressed fervent kisses on them, trailing down her wrist, only letting go as he felt her lips against the base of his neck, trailing kisses down his spine, whispering promises into his skin.

“I will love you, whether you’re bruised, broken, blind, whatever it may be. As long as you’ll keep me and have me.”

“Minah,” he whispered, skin burning under her kisses “Minah come closer to me.” he called, as her skin left his tingling and empty for a few moments before he felt her settle closer to him, forehead resting against his, their breaths mingling. Her hand caught hold of his and guided it to her face as he instinctively cupped her cheek, pulling her close to press his lips against the side of . She turned, ever so slightly, and he revelled at how soft her lips felt against his. He pressed a kiss against her lips, before placing another and realizing how addictive it was, kissing her. It was almost like he had found an oasis in the middle of a desert and he drank her in, chaste kiss deepening as his tongue trailed over the swell of her lip and he could hear the sigh at the back of as her lips parted and her tongue met his. Her fingers gently tangled themselves in his hair.

She felt his hands trail down her side, gripping, sensing and feeling, as his fists bunched at the pristine white of her uniform. It was almost a relief, kissing him. She felt like she had waited for this her entire life, and now, kissing Taekwoon made her heart want to explode just like the explosion of spots before her eyes. It was almost like they had waited for too long for this to happen. This wonderous moment where their bodies met, the moment where they stopped toeing the line between friendship and love and dove headfirst into the latter.

His lips chased hers hungrily, he would consume her whole and she didn’t mind at all. She wanted him to, she wanted him to take her soul and meld it with his and the heat of his touches going under the fabric of her uniform and dancing over her skin made it feel like it was entirely possible. He groaned softly when her lips met the column of his neck spreading heat with her hands. His own shakily wandering over her bare skin, trying to bare her soul to him, trying to memorize every inch of it so he could burn it into his memory.

The night before Taekwoon’s surgery, they made love for the first time, stumbling in their own darknesses, reaching for each other feverishly, falling asleep under the same sheets with their arms around each other.