We were having a picnic under an old tree behind our house when I asked you if you believe in afterlife, you answered me with a 'no'. I asked you why, and you answered me with an 'I don't know', and shrugged your shoulders. I chuckled and ruffled your hair. You asked me why I suddenly asked a question out of the blue, I answered you with an 'I don't know' with the same gesture as yours. We shared a laugh after that.

 

Byun Baek, my angle, I love you...

 

We were comfortably cuddling while watching a romantic movie, when I asked you if you believe in reincarnation. You were still munching the popcorn when you answered me with a 'no'. I asked you why, and you answered me with an 'I don't know'. I chuckled and pinched your cheeks. You asked me why I suddenly asked you out of the blue, still busy munching your popcorn. I also munch a popcorn and answered with an 'I don't know'. You kissed my lips after that.

 

Oh, how I wish I can tell you. How I wish you knew.

 

The doctor was busy checking my vitals when you came to my hospital room, sweating and still panting, looking so worried. The doctor bid his goodbyes and left the room. You slowly walked towards me, you were smiling sweetly, but I know you too well.

 

You are worried about me, aren't you?

 

We were watching a funny movie when the doctor came, he said if he could talk to you alone, and you said yes. You looked at me before you left with the doctor, and I smiled at you. Maybe, that time, you were still clueless on what's happening, maybe you thought, I was confine because of some asthma problems again. I already knew what the doctor would tell you before you could even say the word popcorn.

You opened the door, looking so exhausted, but you still smiled to me.

 

Why are you pretending that everything's okay? Why are you still smiling? I know you are hurt, so please, drop the façade my love.

 

You were reading some fairytales when I asked you if you believe in afterlife. You stared at me for a moment before you answered with a 'no', you asked why I'm asking you again. I smiled weakly, and said, "Because if I die and is given a chance to live again, I want to see you again to my next life, to be able to love you again. It's okay if you won't gonna love me back, but I will still love you. I will love you even from a far, I promise."

 

and you smiled painfully.

 

You were my hair so gently when I asked you if you believe in reincarnation. You chuckled before saying 'no'. You asked me why I'm asking you again the same question a few months back. I chuckled weakly and said, "Because if reincarnation is indeed true, I want to see you again as you, and I want you to see me again as me. Maybe, our names will change, but I'm sure that our love won't. I want to be reincarnated as your lover again."

 

despite the pain in your eyes, you smiled to me, still trying your best to look strong, but your tears were saying the otherwise.

 

It was the day that I felt it, the urge of sleeping. I tried to stay awake until you visit me, and I'm doing great, I guess. You came with my favorite strawberries in your hands. "Specially fruit for a special day!" you cheered, swaying the basket before putting it to the table beside my bed.

 

Would you still say the same after I left?

 

You were busily chopping the strawberries when I spoke, "I pray for your next love that it won't be the same with us. I pray that what happened to us, to me, that it won't gonna happen again with the guy you will love, like how you love me." you stopped and stared at me, tears streaming down your face. You told me to stop saying things like this, but I said, that I can feel it. That it was finally my time to rest.

 

"If you love me again, I will be happy and grateful. If I love you again, be grateful too because someone like me even love you..." you chuckled dryly. I weakly reached your face and wiped your tears, "If we love again in our next life, I promise that I won't gonna let you go again, even when I have a cancer, or I'm near to dying again, I won't let you go, but this time, I'm sorry but can I rest now?" and for the last time, I finally saw how you cry.

 

Thank God, you'd finally drop that façade. Finally...

 

And then I smiled  to my very own death.

 

Until we love again, Byun Baek, my angel, my love...