i.

 

 It's only been a couple of days since we broke up
But I can see you even clearer
As if you're right next to me

 

Wooshin sat up on his bed, in his house, with his parents. It was 2:30 a.m. and he can't sleep again. He kept thinking he was with the other guys, and that they had a schedule to prepare for. 

 

How can I forget you? How can I erase you?
After tonight, it feels like you'll come back and smile
It's that kind of night

 

Coincidentally Jinhoo was also not sleeping, just a couple of miles away on the same dark night. He would never admit it, but his thoughts were restless.  Searching for something, someone in his cold, lonely room.

He looked over at the other, perfectly made bed. And let his thoughts wander off again.

 

ii.

 

The sky is so blue today, it's making things harder
All sorts of memories with you
Beautiful recollections torture me
It's harder today

 

When they had to practice for Runner a couple days later, Bitto was completely out of it. He snapped at every little detail they missed and stormed out of the room when Minsoo bit back at him for missing a step himself. 

The practice room felt different, even though everything was still the exact same. It felt cold and tense. Maybe it was only because it was missing one more smiling face.

 

I'm sure you're doing well
I'm sure you forgot everything
But I'm still trapped in that time
I know, I'm regretting this too late
Tears fall without knowing

 

A whole month has passed since Wooshin moved out of the dorm. He told them not to call or text him, said it would only hurt him (and them) more. Sunyoul has been staring at his reflection on his mobile phone for a while now.

Contemplating whether it would be worth it to hurt himself even more. His eyes start tearing up, Sunyoul closes them and takes a deep breath. He has cried enough already, he says to himself. 

 

iii.

 

The clock ticking gets louder and I can't fall asleep
You torture me
I try laying on my stomach, I try closing my eyes
But you keep appearing, I think I've gone crazy

 

Hwanhee shoots up from his bed. Shaky breathes fill the room as he looks at Xiao beside him, he was still sleeping. He notices the dried up tears on his cheeks and on the gray pillow beneath his head. 

Turning away, Hwanhee remembers his dream.

He had just managed to fall asleep at 3 a.m. But the moment he closed his eyes, He seemed to regret ever trying to sleep. 

He had found Wooshin in the bathroom, dark red against pale white.

 

I knew this would happen
I regret it, I should've held onto you
I try to turn things back, I try
But I know it's too late now

 

The nine boys were walking around the waiting room, waiting for their turn to perform their new song Going Crazy. Kogyeol noticed Jinhoo counting them. He went up to nine and was looking around, counting once more. Then, he went silent as he realised and looked at his hands.

Kogyeol now hates the number nine more than anything in the world. He should've protected him more,  when he had noticed something was wrong. 

He hates the fact that when they do their cheer a while later, that they leave out a certain name, and just pretend that nothing is wrong.

 

iv.

 

I try to draw you out but you keep fading
Your beautiful eyes, nose, lips, face
Slowly, I'm forgetting them

 

Gyujin was laying in his bed, it was almost time to sleep. As usual, he was looking at the fancafe, reading the letters Honey10 wrote for them. Normally he would only read the ones addressed to him or Up10tion. But lately he has found himself clicking on the ones addressed to Wooshin. 

He tried to reaffirm himself. He had to confirm that Wooshin was still in fact there, still in Up10tion.

He looks at the pictures the fans uploaded of him smiling, and tries to engrave it into his mind. Who knows if he'll ever see it again in real life.

 

v.

 

I don't know myself, in dream
I keep dreaming of you
I thought I wouldn't be able to live an hour without you

 

Without even knowing, six months have passed. To Wooshin, it felt like a minute. Most of his days were spent sleeping or watching tv, hoping for his thoughts to go away so he could just return to where he belongs.

 

vi.

 

With the same words, same thoughts
I've changed so cold
We've grown so far, we can't even reach
It's the same between us

 

Xiao stopped caring. In the beginning he was always crying, always thinking.  Now, whenever he thinks about him, he urges the thought to go away. 

The last time he had heard from Wooshin was four months ago. He said not to worry, that he was fine and he would be back before they knew it.

Nowadays Xiao often finds himself going out alone at midnight, with a mask and cap covering his identity. He finds himself drinking more and more. Where did I go wrong?

 

vii.

 

I try to hold onto it stronger
But the dream gets farther away
I know I can't turn things back but I can't let it go

 

Wooshin sits in front of the psychologist, staring blankly at the white wall behind the man who forbade him from seeing his bandmates. 

He went to this appointment hoping for a 'You're all better, you can join the group again'  but instead he got a 'You are still depressed, are you sure you're taking your medication? '

 

viii.

 

I guess you're doing well, I see your SNS
Seems like you'll be alright
Even without me
These days, I smile like a fool, in case someone sees
I smile in case people around me talk badly about you

 

After turning on a Vlive with Kogyeol, Wei let him take the camera and went to sit in the back. Suddenly, Wooshin came into his mind. The last time they were in Tokyo, He and Wei had been roommates. 

Grabbing his phone in his hand, he looked at the comments. People had noticed his face had dropped. So he smiled and laughed at something Kogyeol had said, over exaggerating.

If he just keeps laughing, everything will hurt a lot less. Or at least that's what everyone always says.

 

It hurts because your empty spot is so big
I can't fill it up, whatever I do
If you give me one more chance
I would never let you go, never

 

Kuhn looked at the audience of Japanese Honey10's. They had just finished a performance Feel So Right. Even when they were practicing it a month ago, he could still see the tired, blank faces of the other members as they sang about being happy.

Kuhn looked to s as they automatically went to their assigned places. Between Jinhoo and Bitto there was a slightly bigger gap than normal. Whether it was intentional or not, he didn't know.

He saw that a couple of fans at the back saw it too, they hung their heads and were looking at their feet. Grim expressions on their faces.

 

ix.

 

I'm waiting for you, I'm believing you
I'm sure you'll think of me once, I'm sure you'll find me too
Just like you come to me in my dreams every night

 

Wooshin lied wide awake on his bed.  Today was easier than normal. It was also a huge relief to his parents to see him smile again. 

He went to the mall today and bought himself a bracelet, with promise  engraved on it. He hung around with his friends from high school. They went to eat at McDonalds together.

He was finally happy again, and he knew that his dream wasn't far away anymore.

 

x.

 

Baby I'm missing you
Falling in love with you
You can come back whenever
To me, who is waiting

 

The members of Up10tion lied wide awake on their beds. Today was easier than normal. Just before they went to bed, Jinhoo had called them all into the living room.

Then, for the first time since June 6th 2017 they had a talk together.

They called Wooshin and had a heart to heart. There were a lot more tears and apologies than Jinhoo had expected, but he was happy to have hope again.

 

For me, only you
For me, it's only you
I want to see you just once more,
Your smiling face