WHEN IT HITS TOO CLOSE TO HOME

written in Chan POV (point of view)

I've been thinking about my life

Is it better if I die?

Before I fall asleep forever

I'm trying to find feeling in this nothingness

I've been thinking about my life

Is it better if I die?

~*~*~*~

I've been running all this time. No end in sight. No final line. Just me and my dream. My desperation. Why? I ask myself the same question over and over again. Why? It's okay to dream when you are a kid. It's okay to chase after your dreams. To be stupid and reckless. But even when I exchanged classrooms for music studios... Even when instead of fooling around with my friends, I kept practicing... Even when I was drenched in sweat every single day... No break. No free time. Even when I gave it my all... the chance hasn't come. I saw my friends leaving one by one... Debuting or giving up. Doesn't matter. All the familiar faces disappear and I am still the only one left with a dream too big for me.

~*~*~*~

Every day is the same. Tomorrow blends with yesterday. Wake up. Practice. Practice. Practice. Sleep. Repeat. Like a machine. Insanity feels too familiar now and I ask myself... What am I doing? Years go by and there is no change. No hope. The company seems ignorant to me. Am I not good enough? Is it my looks or my skills? I can't pinpoint the problem. They say, if you work hard, you will make it... We need to see your effort. How much harder must I work then? Are they blind? If they can't see my effort now, what more is there for me to do? Should I just drop dead before them? Will they notice me then?

~*~*~*~

Time doesn't stop and with each passing day, my existence fades away. I am loosing sight of who I am... I don't know myself anymore. Nothing makes sense and I give up on them. If I continue like this, one day I won't even know my name anymore. Before it's too late, I wish to save myself. So I look for them. I look for my members. My group. If the company can't make one, I will do it for them.

That's how 3RACHA is born. It gives me hope. My life jacket. I pour my soul into our mixtapes and the songs just keep coming out. There isn't a day when my muse would be silent and my members are spitting fire with every beat I make. So much talent. So much reality. It scares me how much the lyrics they write connect with mine. Soul connection is clear. We are 100% in sync. Our flow, our feels. I feel liberated. The road, I've walked alone was hard and desperate but with them by my side everything is different. 

I find others as time goes by. At first, I wanted to make a group of 5. Five is a good number. However, the groups that debut nowdays have more members. So I think seven. Just like GOT7, seven seems like a lucky number but as I train with my group there is still something missing... We went from three to four and five... than six and we finally reached seven members but... There is still something not right. And as I keep meeting the new trainees, I find the missing pieces to the puzzle. Nine. My nine precious boys and the image, I haven't know I've already painted in my mind comes to life before my eyes. It makes my heart pound, my soul sing and I know, this is it. This is what I was waiting for.

~*~*~*~

Our first showcase and I mess up. I keep giving advice to the others, reassuring them everything is fine. Everyone makes mistakes. I know. I make too many of them. I pretend it's okay but inside I am breaking apart. I pretend to be strong, the best captain of this boat, riding on my experience... I pretend I can lead them well because I know, what I am supposed to know and I can make them big. It's all an act. Pretense. I don't know anything, that's why I am still here and not on the stage. The mistake proves it. I pose as a pro but I am an amateur. It's the first time the responsibility comes crashing down on me.

Before it was just me. Just my life on the line... My dreams at stake but now... Now, I have eight others in my hands. I thought, I would be helping them but what if I am wrong? What if this was a mistake and they fail because of me? When I fall on the stage, their expecting eyes flash before my eyes and I don't care about the pain, I keep going, praying the mistake won't effect the final results. When the boy group is confirmed for debut, my heart is ready to burst. 7 years. I've been waiting for these words for seven years. I want to cry my eyes out. It's finally happening and I am too overwhelmed to pay attention to the possibility of dropping out some members. I don't want to worry about that. I don't believe it will happen. It's obvious we are team. We are gonna debut together.

~*~*~*~

The missions come and I burn myself. In my desperate need to make everyone shine, I forget about myself. I try to create the best song, the best stage. When criticism comes my way, my heart breaks and I curse myself. So stupid. I train and train and train but there is no improvement. I am still mediocre. Still not good enough. I was so sure about this but when I hear JYP speak... My dream castles shake in fear. 

The public response is good. The song is doing well and I am happy. It gives me a strange peace of mind, that with this we proved our worth. That all nine of us are important. But then it happens... I kept thinking, they are just scaring us. They won't break my team for real. It's just for the show. Just for the audience. They just want us to be scared. To work hard. But he really does it. He eliminates Minho. My dream shatters to pieces right then and there. What have I done? I see everyone crying and breaking down. I caused this. It's my fault. I should have tried harder, work harder. How could I not forsee this? Minho is the best dancer but his rapping and singing... I should have trained with him more, give him more tips... How could I let this happen? I tremble. When I pull him in my embrace, I never want to let go. I pray, it's just a nightmare and I will wake up any time soon... It's not and I am left with a hole in my heart so big, an ocean would fit in. 

~*~*~*~

I clench my teeth and continue to work. The show is not over. I can't let this happen again. I can't let my members down again. So I work an hour more each day and I am meaner and harder on the members than ever before. I can't let them slack off. I see a bit of hurt and worry when I continue to scold them but I have to. I need to save this team. We already lost Minho, his absence is still too fresh, we cannot loose another member. We won't be Stray Kids anymore. 

However, the nightmare repeats itself. With Felix elimination, my will to debut goes to hell. I feel betrayed. Lost. And so sorry. What have I done? How could I hurt them so much? I shouldn't have recruited the members in the first place. I should have known the standard for debut. It would have been better if I didn't give them this chance, if I didn't make them all dream the same dream. I don't know what to do. I destroyed them. Nothing good will come out of this anymore. Even if we debut as seven, the places of two missing members would be too painful for all of us. Everyone cries and breaks down once more and I wish to die. Not one of us would be happy to debut as seven. I just cursed us all for eternity. The day, that should be the most happy experience will be too painful now. What about Felix and Minho? How can they fit in any other team now? There aren't even any other teams... what will happen to them? I promise Felix not to leave him behind but it's yet, just another lie.

~*~*~*~

I don't stay in the dorm with other members. I know, I should. I should be their support but I can't. I am too afraid to see them. I lock myself in one of the studios in the company and cry. I haven't cried this hard in years. The tears I shed with the cameras rolling are nothing compared to the sobs that wreck my body. I've never felt more hopeless. They saved me when I was drowning. They were my last chance. My last shot at this. They were my cure but I became a poison to them. I shouldn't have encouraged the teamwork, the friendship. I should have kept it more professional. If I didn't made them feel as one... as one body... it wouldn't hurt this much. Ah.

I curse the company, the show... Park Jinyoung PDnim... how could he? After all these years of me pouring myself to this company, after me preserving on empty promises and spared glances... after everything... this is my reward? I did everything on my own and this is what I get? Seven years lost and I never got anything. He still robs me of the one thing that made me feel, like it was all worth it... that it wasn't all in vain... How can he not see it? Not feel it? We, as nine, are something. I felt it every time we practiced together. Every time, I compose I have nine voices in my head. It's all there... or am I just lying to myself again? Believing in something so badly that it makes you feel like it's real but it's just wishful thinking?

I pull my knees up. I feel so small. In this whole big world... this scary dark place... what am I trying to achieve? Should I beg? Should I try to go to the PDnim? Won't that make him agrier? I feel so sick. My insides are burning and churning. I don't want tomorrow to come. I wish to stay curled up like this. Hidden. I don't want to see the others. I don't want to perform again.

However, as night turns to day, I lock my demons again. My team still needs me. The boat is sinking and the captain should be the last one on board. Even if I drown, I should at least save as many as I can. 

With strenght I didn't know I posses, I pull the team together. As their anchor, I fix the songs again, I change the choreos and the time in practice room has never been more painful. Everyone says to never give up... that nothing is hopeless... But what am I supposed to do when the chance they gave me has crushed me more than no chance at all?

JYP brings them back but I am more scared than ever. I am happy but I can't really feel the thrill. Their positions are still uncertain. No final decission has been made. I am grateful that at least for one last time we can stand on stage together before our fans but... If they don't let them debut with us, I am not sure we can handle the heartbreak again. As always... we have no choice so for the last time... I put on my brave mask even though I am sure, everyone can see the cracks.

The lyrics of our songs have never hit closer to home than that day. It's heaven and hell. Everything is so intense. My emotions are swirling out of control and I am only half present there. My mind is blank. I don't remember the stages clearly. I am not sure what was being said. I only engrave the words "Congratulations. Stray Kids will debut as 9" in my heart. I finally understand... it's not until you fall, that you can fly. That night, I swear, I could touch the stars.

~*~*~*~

There were moments

I wanted to die

But at the end...

There was something

I wanted more

~*~*~*~

THE END

A/N: the lyrics are from the song 3RACHA 42.