Lee Jieun's pov

Was it my heart that had gone cold, or had the warmth of the sun just disappeared? Why was I so cold again, I wondered as I dragged my heavy legs forward, step by step. It was funny how familiar it seemed; the numbness of my heart, the steps, the dried tears on my face and the coldness inside of me. 

Hadn't I promised myself that I'd be happy this time around? Or was that just something I made up to comfort myself, knowing what was about to happen? 

I sighed as I ran a hand through my hair. It felt like I had aged years in just one day and gotten my heart broken more than enough for it. 

But like the stupid girl I had been through all my life, I still couldn't let it go. I didn't even know if you could blame me, it was just today that I finally walked away, knowing there was no hope left for me.  

The way Sooyoung's one call could wrap her finger back around Joonmyeon and snatch him away like it was nothing, the way Joonmyeon just blindly defended her without hearing me out first… I didn't seem to be worth anything. Maybe I wasn't. I didn't seem to matter at any point, I was always just pushed out of the way. 

It was better than living in a lie, no? Or was it? I wasn't so sure anymore. Would I even mind the lie if I could convince myself that I was happy with it? Probably not. But I couldn't care at the moment, I just wanted to try, I just wanted to be happy.

Maybe I should turn back. For how long had I aimlessly walked around, crying my eyes out? Shouldn't I just get back home and see if anything happened between the two after all? Joonmyeon was nice guy, he wouldn't just throw me out. From Sehun I could actually believe and expect that but Joonmyeon? 

No… Not Joonmyeon. He wasn't like that. Or what did I know, I couldn't say I knew him at all anymore. I couldn't even be sure if I ever did. Was our love a lie, too? Did neither of them actually love me at any point? So many questions, so many options. I hated it. I hated thinking about it, I hated having to deal with all of this and I hated being a part of it. 

But did acknowledging any of this actually help me in any way? Hell no. It didn't mend my heart and cease the pain because I was freaking in love with Joonmyeon and Joonmyeon was... Well, Joonmyeon had been there for me. For a while. 

Maybe we weren't meant to be, if I was to believe in such thing as fate. Maybe I just wasn't meant to be happy or have a great apartment or or or a good job. Maybe I was meant to live my life alone in a ty apartment with a ty pay. 

I didn't even used to think my apartment was that bad or that my pay wasn't satisfying. But look at me now, I turned to a greedy little woman so sudden that I was almost scared of myself. Was this why no one really loved me? Was I too greedy? Since when? How did I not notice? 

I scoffed. Maybe I was greedy because no one ever gave me what I wanted. No one wanted to love me when that was all I asked for. I must have been a fool to believe someone would love me enough to stay. And who knew, maybe the next guy I’d meet would fall for Sooyoung without even ever having met her. I let out a cynical laugh. Yeah, that sounded like my life all right.

First I was completely let down by Sehun, getting depressed and learning how harsh self hatred could really be after the excessive self pity left room for it. And then I foolishly thought that Suho, the guy that had gone through exactly the same thing as I, whom I never thought would be able to do it to me because of his own experience, the guy I thought would never ever hurt me that way, did exactly that. And there I was, having been changed for the same freaking woman again.

Was I really that horrible?

As if to add salt to the wounds, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t chase away the happy memories of me and Suho having a good time, when we were still ‘in love’ with each other, even if it was just for a short while.

All those moments we laughed, joked and just chilled together without some Sooyoung stepping between us. We – or, well, I – had been happy. Really, truly, happy. It had been such a long time after Sehun that I had felt this alive.

And it didn’t mean I hadn’t loved Sehun – I had, that should be obvious already, but having Suho with me just… had felt like more. I had been happier with him, and Suho had been such a good guy, too. A gentleman, but even he could pull a good prank every now and then even if I always got him back for it. But I couldn’t even tell if I knew Joonmyeon at all anymore. How could he just throw all that away in a blink of an eye? 

I really loved him, I really loved Suho. It was a fact I had to bitterly swallow as I willed myself not to cry anymore.

I loved him. 

But it seemed like to others I would never be more than a trash bag that could be kicked in the streets. No one seemed to think I deserved anything. And that . It really, really . 

I was so sick of this.

Was I never enough to anyone? Would I always have to suffice with the spot number two, like in high school all over again? What was I, a replacement?

I shook my head, pushing the door to Highway open. I wasn’t that surprised that my feet had brought me to the place I worked at again. After all, instead of working, I could now drink all I wanted and I already had the menu memorized, so I didn’t even need to bother thinking what to order.

“It’s your day off, why are you here?”

I looked up and saw my friend slash coworker behind the bar's counter, eyeing me with puzzled, worried eyes. 

“You don’t look too good,” she added after a while.

“Just give me something strong to drink, please. I don’t want to talk.”

Inna gave me a scrutinizing look before just nodding and getting what she thought I really needed. Sure, drinking my problems away wasn’t that ideal, but frankly, I couldn’t give a at this point. I just wanted to forget all of this, even for one day.

“Pure vodka?” I asked when I saw the shot glass being placed in front of me, eyeing my friend with disbelief. Inna if anyone would know I liked my stuff sweet. She sighed before leaning over the counter, looking deeply into my eyes. 

“We both know you aren't in the condition to reject this. You don't need the sweet stuff, honey. You need this, trust me.” Someone called for her attention from the other side of the room. Inna sighed but cut me one more sharp glance before leaving, “Take it or leave it.”

I sighed, looking down at the poison in front of me. Oh, the hell with it. It would help me forget, no? 

But sitting alone was a mistake. I couldn't stop thinking, playing with my thoughts and all the old memories, torturing myself with questions like 'maybe I was too harsh on him'. It took me three years to get over Sehun, could I really blame him? But what did that make me? What did he feel for me then? Had I not suffered enough by now? Why was this so painful? What was wrong with me? 

I was on the brink of breaking down in sobs when Inna finally came back, her presence comforting me for reasons I could not understand. 

“You wanna talk about it?"

I groaned, “No.” I came here to forget, not to talk about it. “I should just get going… “

She huffed, resting her arms on her hips as she silently wondered what she could say or do to make me feel less like trash. 

"I'm not sure I should let you go," was what she settled with. I rolled my eyes, trying to pretend like I wasn't shattering inside.

"Please, I'm just fine," I assured as I started looking around, looking for my bag. I could feel her worried eyes lingering on me but I had a hard time focusing on making sure I seemed fine when I realized I couldn't find my bag anywhere.

Oh .

With an awkward laugh and smile, I slowly looked up to her, “I think you need to cover for me, Inna. I’ll pay you back, I promise.”

“What?”

“I left my wallet home.”

“Do you want me to call Suho? I still have his numb-”

“No,” I cut her off sharply. “Don’t… don’t call him.”

A soft smile took over Inna’s features as she finally caught up. “Do you have a place to stay at?”

“No…”

“That's settled then! You can come over to my place. I don't have a roommate and it's not too far from here. I mean, compared to Chen’s place.”

I raised my brow at that, “Chen’s place?”

“Oh, please. You would have asked him for a place to stay at if I wasn't here, don't think I don't know how good of friends you two are.”

I hummed. That's true, I would've probably asked him for a favor, and if he'd have refused, I would've reminded him of all the times I had carried his drunk over to my place because he couldn't get back home. There was no worry we would hit it off, he was gay af and his roommate, Minseok, was a force to be reckoned with. If he'd ever cheat him, he'd have one he of a beating waiting for him. 

Maybe that was the kind of guy I needed. Someone who hated cheating so much that they would make it clear it would be over with just a snap of their fingers if you'd ever do it. Maybe that was how I should make myself to be. Clear. I would make sure they would regret it. That they shouldn't even dare to think about it. Maybe I needed to change. 

“Come on, let's go. You need some space to think.”

I mindlessly nodded as Inna took my hand, guiding me away from Highway, and I just let her drag me. I could trust her with my life and if following her now would mean the end of me, so be it.

It would all be just so much easier for me. 

How's that for a beginning? I'm so rusty, gosh. I had the draft written in the third pov, but since the earlier parts were written from Jieun's pov, I changed it to fit them. God, I need to edit the out of those, so don't go reading them now, all right?

Anyway! I hope you enjoyed, subscribe to stay tuned and see you the next time!