TAEKWOON

“You really shouldn’t work here, I have heard the people here are kind of dangerous” there were times in which I talked more than usual and the occasions whenever I was with her, I could bring myself to talk more than I regularly would . I could open to her without problem, with no hesitation, smiling back at her just like she would at me, “I can help you look for something else”

“And what would that be?”

“Barista? You would do well”

A sudden outburst of laughter always followed whenever I brought that up as the most logical suggestion that I could think at the moment, “Do you like my coffee that much?” and I can still hear the sound of her laugh, I still can remember the brightness in her eyes. I still remember her, even when I try not to, I still do. It would be a lie to say otherwise, even if lying to spare me some sulking would help me greatly, it would just be a string of half-truths that would just attempt to make me turn a blind eye to the root of the problem: my inability to forget someone who disappeared from my life without trace.

“It’s always on point” it has been long since I have had someone prepare coffee for me with the same care that she would. I haven’t been able to indulge in something of that nature in quite a long time, it has been more than a year if I want to be precise, “And from the place where you would least expect it” It always replays like a film which scenes always fly by as though I was fast forwarding them myself.

“You are odd, you are dropping by more than your friend” It was strange to know that that place felt like home, or that maybe, most likely, she was the one who felt like home to me.

There are occasions in which I just can’t drift off in dreamland as easily as I wished to, when the clock marks every hour and reminds me of the precise time from that day more than a year ago, a day I wish I could go back to if I had the opportunity, if I was given the chance. During those occasions I can’t bring myself to fall asleep, I just aimlessly walk around my flat and in direction to the kitchen—I am under the belief that drinking coffee at this time of the night will just ease my soul that still keeps asking my mind ‘What if she had stayed?’. It resonates in the farthest corner of my mind, a thought that insistently shows up and when it does, it ends up wrecking me, stripping me from any calmness that I have managed to achieve.

One of the worst feelings in the world is when people disappear from your life without notice, and another one is to know that you weren’t able to do a single thing to prevent it from happening. And those are the same feelings that make me sink in my sofa as the lights are dimmed, sink and try to forget, sink and attempt to ease my uneasiness.

A silly thought hits me unexpectedly from time to time, that I should probably quit drinking coffee if it brings so many painful feelings. However, I can’t and I don’t think I will ever and it leads to me ending up tossing the idea aside as soon as it comes. ‘Where are you?’ I whisper, but there won’t ever be a reply. A sip of coffee and it makes me wonder if maybe one day I will write a song about this, about missed opportunities and what ifs, to make sure that I don’t ever forget those feelings and that maybe they reach her. However, that is probably just wishful thinking from someone who can’t get over a few memories.

Silly useless thoughts that hit my soul at the very dead of the night. Silly useless thoughts that don’t leave me no matter how badly I try.

While I was sitting on my sofa, I was brought back to reality by the incessant buzzing of my mobile phone, it kept on blinking endlessly and I couldn’t be bothered to pick it up straightaway. I just had a feeling that it wasn’t good news, but it wouldn’t stop, the calls just wouldn’t stop. When I picked it up, I noticed the great amount of lost calls that I had and had failed to notice and also the notifications from my kakao talk chat room. The last message was what prompted me to answer once the phone rang again, ‘Hyung please don’t ignore me’ it read. I sighed and ended up picking up the call finally. I can’t ignore him at this time, I thought.

“Hyung, are you awake?”

That voice that I was accustomed to hearing on a daily basis spoke to me the moment I had accepted the call, he spoke the minute I had answered, not even allowing for me to properly answer. He asked me the usual question he would ask whenever something happened to him. I rubbed my temple while feeling slightly bothered the moment I glanced at the time on my screen. It was Wonshik, my roommate and friend—we had been living together for some time ever since I decided to move from my house after I had graduated earlier on the year and he had made a habit to make me rush to aid him whenever he got himself in the weirdest situations one could imagine and on the weirdest times as well.

“Wonshik—just why are you calling me at 5.00 am?” I answered, wondering what had happened this time for him to call me at this time of the night. He should be sleeping instead in the room next to mine and not be out who knows where and in what situation.

“You see…” he began to say, a little hesitantly, pausing a bit as he spoke, “I went out and while I was at some place…” I kind of had a feeling of where this was going, but instead of just lashing out by hanging up on him, I decided to let him continue his explanation. I just had to give him a chance to prove my assumptions wrong, “Hyung I lost the keys to my car and I can’t go back to our flat” I brought a hand to my face in frustration the moment I heard him say that. Typical, I said to myself—just why am I not surprised? What I had assumed, was correct.

“Where are you right now?” I immediately asked. I just wanted the information at the time and nothing else, I just needed to know whether he was in trouble or if he could make it back home on his own to be able to evaluate if it was wise to go to where he was at or not.

“I was celebrating that I had some producers interested in some of my music so…” he explained; surely, he just had to go celebrate his achievement but seriously? Until 5.00 am? Wonshik could hear me sigh in disappointment and he decided to stop talking because he could tell from my lack of response that I wasn’t pitying him in the slightest, “Hyung, just come and pick me up!”

“Just what number—“

“I have a spare copy in my room come on, go and pick it up—I can’t leave my car” he rapidly said and I shook my head as though he was able to see me disapproving of this. He wanted me out at this time of the night because of a mistake he himself had made and he wanted me there.

“And you think I can leave mine?” I questioned. I mean, I wasn’t going to drive at this time of the night to hand him his car keys and risk my own car because who knew what psyco on the wheel I could run into while at night, or maybe a burglar could break into our house while I was out and only because he lost the keys of his own car and I had to go hand them to him.

“I’ll send you a taxi” he replied.

“…no” was my simple response.

“Come on hyung—I mean I don’t even have an idea why these things happen to me gosh—“

“You probably deserved it”

I said as I hung up on him and stood up. I walked towards my closet and took a coat out of it so I could go out and I rapidly opened the door to his room and searched for Wonshik’s car keys on his drawer, shaking my head at the sight of it. What number of time is this that I have to go out this late and why do I keep doing so?

I walked out of my flat and in direction to the street after having ordered a taxi to come and pick me up. The car started as I showed the driver the address Wonshik had sent me on kakao. It was on a really busy part of the city where there were nightclubs, discos, restaurants and other businesses, in a part of the city that never slept at all. I hadn’t been in that side of the city for some time, and it felt nostalgic to remember the times I used to go for a while in my last years of college. Those memories that I wanted to lock inside my heart and mind were showing up and I just didn’t want to break down while out, so I tried my best to suppress them. It’s okay Taekwoon, you will be alright, but it had been more than a year and I still wasn’t alright.

The neon signs out there just made the nostalgia reappear and my remembrances all the more vivid and it was starting to affect me greatly as passages of those months flashed in my mind in an instant and I could only sigh as though I had been defeated by the memories once again, sigh and then try to remember what I was out for, the reason why I was out at 5AM wasn’t to be sulking in a taxi, but to bring Wonshik back—and I had to repeat that to myself plenty of times until the memories stopped showing up like a movie playing in front of my eyes. The car stopped at the address Wonshik had given me through our personal chat and I hopped out of the car after paying the driver for the ride.

I thought the street would be empty but in fact, there were many people walking back and forth, coming in and out of establishments rapidly. I was right, this place never slept. As I walked along the street I could finally make view of Wonshik’s car and I finally saw him there, leaning against his vehicle with his arms crossed over his jacket as he seemed to have a frown on his face. His own fault really for being so careless.

Bad things always happened when he went out so late at night and he called me to go pick him up, the keys, lack of gasoline for his car, forgotten wallets, forgotten phones, almost being pickpocketed along many other things. I sighed from afar and walked up to him so he could finally go back home and so I could try to fall asleep. I took Wonshik’s car keys out of my coat, stretching my hand out to him, he seemed to not have noticed my presence at first but the moment the keys were right in front of him, he finally looked up, “Here you go”

“Aren’t you the best hyung I could ever have?” he said to me, a nice compliment, yet I couldn’t help but to roll my eyes. What ticked me off wasn’t that I was right here saving him once again but the fact that passersby were kind of gazing at me a lot and my lack of sleep didn’t allow me to feel at ease with that. I ended up snapping.

“Why do you always make me race to save you from whatever situation?” I asked.

“Oh come on”

“You always end up making me race all over Seoul—and especially at nights, picking you up from bars and clubs while you are partying and I’m left at home composing and—“

“You are surprisingly talkative today, huh, must have had a lot of caffeine” he joked around and I shook my head in disapproval at his poking fun of me when I had been the one to go out at 5.00 am with his spare car keys.

“Oh come on, you would be so bored if things like this didn’t happen” he tried to find the positive in this situation as he took the keys from my hand and opened the door to the driver’s seat. I tried not to say that much any longer because I didn’t feel like trying to get my point across anymore.

“Besides” he slowly said as he gave me a curious look, “It's not like the times you pick me up bad stuff happens you know"

The moment he said that, my mind took me back to the memories that I had been trying to suppress during the ride at the car. I gazed at the ground as those thoughts started invading me once more, “No