Written on 6 February, 2011

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OST: Always Be My Baby by David Cook

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We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine


Kyu Hyun had held her hand 30 seconds too long, and Yong Hwa was furious.

“You should have stopped it immediately!”

“We were on stage”

“Still, you should have!”

“Stop being ridiculous” she warned with a flat tone.

“He had been hitting on you since forever! And you did nothing to make him stop!”

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s you! You always act so nonchalant. Those guys don’t get it, Hyun!”

“You don’t have to throw a fit every time a guy touch an inch of me!”

“What? Am I wrong to not want others to touch you?”

“Oh please!” she threw her hands in mock despair, “You’re furious even when a guy look at me too long! What kind of attitude is that? This is going too far!!!”

“I have a right to do that!”

“You have a right to do what, exactly?”

“To ask you to listen to me!!!”

Seo Hyun eyed him with rising anger. Something coiled in her stomach. Something dangerous that she knew she should swallow. But she didn’t and let it exploded.

“Stop acting like I’m your property!”

“BUT YOU ARE MINE!!!”

“To what extent?”

“Everything. YOU’RE MINE! I don’t want anyone to touch you! BECAUSE YOU’RE MY WIFE!”

“We were virtually married, Oppa! For a show. You don’t own me at all”

He stretched out his left fingers, “Then what is this ring I’m wearing then, huh? Will you keep on acting that we’re nothing to each other?”

“We’re not nothing” she responded, tiredly covering her face. “But I hate your possessiveness”

“Well, you better start to accept that side of me, because I’m not going to change anytime soon. And you should put more distance to those stupid fanboys of yours. They want you!”

“You speak as though I’ve been offering myself to the crowd!”

“Sorry, but today, I did not see otherwise!”

With that said, Seo Hyun started to shake with anger. She tried to remember when did someone make her this mad. No one actually ever did.

“You suffocate me!” she spat. “Really, you do, Oppa” she continued, as he stood in silence. “I feel like you bind me in chains. I can’t breathe with this. I can’t breathe with you. How much longer do I have to face this? Will this happen again in 3 months? 6 months?”

“Cut the crap and come to your senses, Hyun. You’re over dramatizing this”

“NO I’M NOT!” she screamed, “This—this obsession of yours scares me! You asked me to cover up myself, you checked my cell phone, you forbid me to take pictures with the fans…..How much more will you ask from me? If you’re angry with my dance with Kyu Hyun Oppa today, what more will come?”

“Hyun I—“

“NO, YOU HEAR ME! This. Us. This feeling. Me when I’m with you. I’ve changed so much. I don’t recognize myself anymore. You have turned me into someone else!”

“It’s called sharing a relationship, Hyun!”

“Let’s end this”

“SEO JOO HYUN!!!”

“I mean it. I can’t take this. I can’t take this whole—thing. Your jealousy. I don’t feel I am myself anymore. So let’s stop”

He stared at her in disbelief. She took off her ring and put it on his coffee table. And then she took her bag and ran out of his apartments.

He screamed his emotion and took the little wooden table and smashed it to the door, the way she went away. It crashed and broke, but she didn’t come back.

She didn’t come back.

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Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die
No!
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“Leave me alone, Unnie. Please. I don’t want to talk. Just please, leave me alone” she begged, everytime her unnie attempted to soothe her, or every time they tried to make her talk about what happened between her and her Jung Yong Hwa, she refused them.

Her unnies knew something was badly wrong. One minute they were saying I love you. The next time she was shoving his pictures to the darkest corners of her wardrobe.

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She’ll come back. I’m sure of it. She wouldn’t be able to live without me.

As I couldn’t live without her.

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One month of silence. No one had enough courage to lie down their pride.

Seo Hyun danced just a little ily, from the sways of her hips to the winks that were never absent in every recent performances.

He sang about wanting to find a new, honest love to his partner on the other show he attended.

She laughed freely without caution. A laugh so free it made Lee Teuk laughed too, and he was hooked, staring foolishly to her throughout Happy Together.

They passed each other on the hallway of SBS and he gripped her wrist, warning her in a low tone that no one could hear except her, “If you keep this on, I can hurt you more than you’re trying to hurt me”.

He let her go and his touch stung as Seo Hyun stood there, heart hammering, anger rising all over again. Her unnies insisted to her to say what the hell had happened but she waved at them in a hurry. It’s nothing.

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You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
 

Three days later, pictures of Yong Hwa and Park Shin Hye laughing together on a bar with alcohol on their hands and heads close with each other surfaced wide and fast on the internet.

People starting to be sure that there was nothing between Jung Yong Hwa and Seo Hyun after all.

Seo Hyun threw her netbook to the floor and collapsed sobbing on the floor. Locking the door so Hyo Yeon unnie won’t be able to come in.

They met at the backstage of Inkigayo, in an empty dressing room, Seo Hyun had her palms flat between Yong Hwa’s face as she cornered him on the door.

“I can destroy you, Jung Yong Hwa” she warned, eyes dark, voice sharper than knife.

“No, you won’t. We’re nothing now, remember?”

“OPPA!”

“I’ve had enough of you” he confessed coldly and pushed her off of him, opened the door, and banged it behind him.
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I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no
 

She felt her body shriveled as she ordered herself not to cry. There was never a time when Yong Hwa didn’t want her. He always wanted her, always loved her, had eyes only for her. 

Is he really stopping now?

I thought he would come to me and apologized but he didn’t. I went too far. He will start finding someone else.

That would be easy for him, like turning the back of his hand. God knew how many Korean celebrities were dying to have their taste of Jung Yong Hwa.

But I will not lose. No.

If he is going to throw me away, I’ll make it more painful for him.

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She drank a little too much and wore a dress a little too short, covering less than she usually allowed people to see outside the stage. She usually exhibited only to one person. But it seemed that Seo Hyun was taking back her words.

She leaned and smiled too much to Kyu Hyun, listening to everything he said, laughing to every joke he threw. The song turned into something slow and she danced with him, his hands rubbing all over her back, her eyes straight on his, with a small y smile she used to play when she’s on a grand concert with thousands of audiences. But that night she played it for Kyu Hyun, letting him moved a little bit closer, disappearing the small distance they had as they were then attached from thigh, hips, and chest, as he whispered something to her ear, and she laughed a little.

Yong Hwa wondered would Kyu Hyun succeed in taking her to his bed, something he never succeeded before.

True, he was trying to be the gentleman. But Yong Hwa regretted it that night, as he downed his wine for the fourth time. At least he could've been her first. How stupid of him.

Yong Hwa wished he could burn them both up in flames. Like how they burned his throat at that very moment.

He informed his dongsaes he’s going home to his apartment first, regardless that it’s the after party of Golden Disk Awards. Jong Hyun said he’d drive him home, Yong Hwa assured him that there would be plenty of taxis swarming around the city, preventing ed up people like him to die while driving with blood dirtied with alcohol.

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He fell apart. To pieces to pieces to pieces.

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You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
 

She covered herself with Soo Young’s unnie’s coat and shrugged off Kyu Hyun’s eager hands, cold shouldering him now that she knew he was not there to see the show she attempted only for him to see. She staggered to the hands of her waiting unnies.

She won. She won she won she won.

And that was exactly why Hyo Yeon unnie had to wipe her face that was wet with tears.

Because she won she won she won. She was at the top of the game.

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Time passed.

Rumors got around that he had let go of Seo Hyun, in change of Sulli from f(x). Who appeared to have been wanting him all along and patiently waited for him from a distance.

And Seo Hyun danced, and sang, and performed, and glittered.

No.

She was not breaking inside.

No.

She did not cry herself to sleep.

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“I can hurt you more than how you’re trying to hurt me” he had said. And that sentence was repeating itself in her head as she read the hot news that day.

Jung Yong Hwa was caught driving Sulli from f(x) to her apartment late last night.

It enclosed pictures of his car, and it was terribly hard not to recognize the dark blue Ferrari. Pictures of him together with Sulli at the lobby looked so black and white in her eyes.

Jung Yong Hwa and Sulli then appeared later this morning. They seem to enjoy their night together. He draped his hand on her shoulders and opened his car door for her. He was spotted wearing the same clothes he wore last night. They then proceeded to a 24 hour café to have breakfast together.

They seem to have no fear to reveal their relationship. Proving how in love they are and how genuinely happy they must have been. A new idol couple has born.

Seo Hyun digested every word. The picture of him this morning clearly showed him smiling broadly to Sulli, as they drank their morning coffee together.

Seo Hyun tried to breathe without letting the pain spread in her. Every breath hurt and she felt like she was going to hyperventilate. She stared at her reflection in the mirror. And then she started to throw every bottle of make up she had to it. Making it crack bigger and bigger.

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I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oooohhh
I know that, you'll be right back, babe
Ooooh! baby believe me it's only a matter of time

 

The bell on his door rang once, twice, thrice. Yong Hwa opened his eyes. He was idling in front of his composing devices. Trying to find some notes but failed miserably. He felt empty, thus he couldn’t concentrate.

When the bell rang for the fifth time, he got up to open it.

It turned to knocks. Fists banging loud on his door.

He had a good guess of who it would be.

He sensed her as he walked closer to the door.

He stood motionless and just contemplated.

If he opened the door…..the waves would start to come again and he would be drowned in it.

The knockings got more desperate.

Before she started shouting his name, he opened it.

Seo Hyun stood on the doorway. Face as pale as paper and blotches of tears messing her make up.

She walked past him forcefully, marching straight to his bedroom. She pushed the door open and finding it empty, she turned to him.

Yong Hwa stood in the middle of the apartment, not wanting to lessen their distance at all.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Did you sleep with her?” she asked, voice shaking and uneven, full of pain but clear enough it was almost a scream.

Yong Hwa ignored her and poured a glass of water for himself.

Seo Hyun burned him with her stares but he stood his ground. She walked to him.

“Did you sleep with Sulli?” she asked again, only louder than a whisper. “Did you sleep with her last night?”

“It’s none of your business”

“Did you sleep with her here too, in your apartment? You did not wait for her, like you waited for me, didn’t you?”

Her voice raised as tears started to fall. “Did you make love to her there, in the couch where I used to sleep? Or in your bedroom, where I stayed when it was late and you said I should rest before going back to my dorm?”

She knew it was stupid of her. But if she didn’t spill out all of her questions, she might die.

“Did she keep saying no like I used to do, or she said yes immediately?” she asked, approaching him as her voice raised more and more. “Did you sleep with Sulli, Oppa? DID YOU? ANSWER ME!!!”

“So what if I did?”

She slapped him as hard as she could. The sound seemed to echo in the room.

Yong Hwa’s head started to throb. He straightened up and took a good look at her.

“Get the hell out of here”

“No”

Silence.

“Then I’ll leave” he decided. He took his coat and car keys and left her alone.

She looked around and the room started to spin.

But he was not there to catch her.

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You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my my baby....
 

Something made her stirred and she woke up with a start.

He stood looming above her. Seeing she was awake, he kneeled and asked, “Does it hurt?”

Seo Hyun wanted to nod but then she stopped herself, confused whether the questions were about her fainting or about his relationship with Sulli.

She didn’t answer but sat up.

“Seo Joo Hyun,” he began again, “Does it hurt?”

She understood the question now.

“Yes”

He sat down on the floor too.

“Stop it” she ordered.

“Why should I?”

“Because I want you to”

“I don’t care”

She wanted to slap him again but he caught her hand, gripping her wrist and putting it down.

“Leave her”

“I better not”

“Leave her!”

“She said she would love me. She said she’ll listen to everything I want. She said she won’t let any other guy touch her”

Seo Hyun stared in horror.

“Except me”

Her eyes were immediately filled with tears again as anger seeped in. He couldn’t do this. He should stop doing this.

“How could you do this to me!” she screamed, hitting his shoulder. “Why are you torturing me like this?”

“What did I do to you?”

“You left me and slept with another woman!” she said bitterly.

“You’re the one who left me”

“But I—“

He gripped her arms, forcing her to pay closer attention. She gasped in pain but he ignored it. “You flirted with your SM Oppas to hurt me, right? So I did more to hurt you”

“That’s—this is too much! You’re too cruel!”

“I’m just letting you see how painful it could feel when the person you love is with another person, in any kind of contact. You said I suffocated you. I’m just doing exactly what you did”

“I never slept with anyone! They never touch me like how you think!!! It’s you who crossed the line!”

“Kyu Hyun must have touched you. You must have did something together with him that night after Golden Disk Award”

“I left him after you went home”

He tried to find lies, but could not detect it.

“You put on that show just to hurt me” he stated. “How did it feel, having another man’s arm all over you?” he asked, feeling he went crazy for asking that, because he craved to know. He needed to know.

“It was disgusting” she said bluntly, “But look at what you’ve done! You got over me very quickly!”

“You’re too naïve”

“What?”

“I’ve never slept with Sulli”

“You’re lying!”

“I’m not. I’ve never touched her. In fact, we’re nothing. Only friends”

“I don’t believe you!”

“It’s true”

“The pictures, Oppa! The pictures! You drove her to her apartment. You stayed there the whole night and you were with her this morning! It’s fine. What’s done is done! You don’t have to lie to make me—“

He shook her shoulders.

“Hyun!!! I’ve never. Slept with Sulli!”

“But you went to her—“

“I went to her apartment, yes. But we were not alone. Amber was there. And Jung Shin was there too. We just played some PS3 games”

She held his shoulders so tight it must have hurt.

“Are you telling the truth?”

“I’ve never lied to you. I never will”

She started to cry and hugged him. “I’m sorry. I was so stupid. I’m sorry I let you go. Please come back, Oppa. Please!”

He forcefully pushed her off of him, grabbing her chin to make her see him straight in the eye. “I’m going to ask a lot from you. Even things you’re not ready to give”

“That’s fine”

“What if I ask you to give yourself to me tonight? Will you do it?”

“I’ll do it. Take me. I won’t let anyone else anyway”

“Put every guy at a distance. Treat them coldly, you hear me?” he ordered, hands holding her head.

“Yes”

“Don’t you ever leave me again”

“I won’t!”

“You can’t treat me like this again”

“Never again, it hurts too much!”

“You’re mine, got it? Every inch of you”

She nodded.

“Say it, Seo Joo Hyun! You’re mine”

“I’m yours” she breathed in, “I’m yours Oppa!”

He gripped her face, “Don’t you ever try anything like this ever again, Hyun, do you hear me? You killed me several times already. When I saw Kyu Hyun danced with his hands all over you, I wanted to burn you two”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry” she choked, “Please forgive me”

“What have you done with him? Huh? What have you done with him after that party?”

“I’ve done nothing! We’ve—“

“Did he kiss you?” he asked in a low whisper that got the hairs on her hands stoodd up, the tension in his voice was horrible. She went limp as she realized how much she had tormented him and how utterly useless it was.

He almost strangled her when she didn’t answer.

“Almost, once but—“

“SEO JOO HYUN!”

“But I didn’t let him!” she rushed, “I never let him kiss me. Or touch me more than what you saw at that party”

He realized he was pinning her down with his body, his hands pushing her wrists on the floor. There were red marks on her neck and wrists because of him. That was why he sat up.

“Your revenge was so hard, Oppa. I almost lose my mind when I see your pictures with Sulli this morning”

“I wanted to make you mad and come begging for me”

“Chukkae, you got what you wish for”

Yong Hwa sat in silence, overwhelmed. He sat half a meter away from her, who was still lying on the floor.

It was Seo Hyun who sat up and crawled onto his lap, hugging him as softly as she could, though he was stiff and unresponsive.

“Forgive me. I understand now. Jealousy hurts so much. If it is true that you slept with her, I don’t know how I will survive”

He still said nothing.

She hugged him tighter and rested her forehead on his shoulder.

“You’re mine, right?”

“De”

“Will you do anything for me?”

“De”

“Will you give everything I want from you?”

“De”

“Hyun,” he paused, “are you sure?”

“De”

He stood up, carrying her in his arms and entered his bedroom. He laid her down and lying on top of her, he confessed, “I don’t want to wait anymore. I want you now. Please”

They looked into each other eyes. She knew all of his wishes and promises and was sure that he would be the first and the last. He knew all of her firm principles and beliefs and her walls and her insecurity.

It was a moment of no words, as he begged in silence and she considered everything. It was soul shattering because it means the world and there will be no going back. It was breath taking because they had come to this point, this close, this inseparable, this extreme.

“Yes”

And every missing piece was put together for them.

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Author’s Note :

I’ve always wanted to write angst. This was definitely hard to write. Set around two years from now, I felt I wanted to write a different Yongseo. They are always nice, lovely, and very kind. I want to imagine that they were not that, I want to write them darker, more selfish, that they won’t forgive each other so easily, and with lots and lots of stupid pride in the way. So this happened.

And I’m also having a difficult period in my life, just needed to vent my emotion into something productive.

I want you to feel you hate them, at a point when you read this. But, I also wish you could feel how much they actually love each other, despite the odds.

The insert lines are from David Cook's "Always Be My Baby" that I listened over and over again while I wrote this.

As usual, please comment if you like this. Do you know, that your comments could make me happy even in the most difficult times?