The aroma of newly brewed coffee hangs in the air. The smell of freshly baked pastries linger in the room. Years have pass but the place stays the same. The arrangement of the furniture, the paintings on the wall, the mini garden by the window. Everything stayed the same. Well, except for one thing.

*****

It’s been 10 years since I started working in this café. I was a university student back then and I needed money so I can continue my studies and so I started doing a part time job as a waiter in this café. I always loved the smell and taste of coffee, so working at a café is something I enjoyed. After working as a waiter for 2 years I eventually became a barista here thanks to my co-workers who taught me everything I needed to know. I really enjoyed working here and so even I finished college, I kept on working here full time.

But as years pass by, I grew tired of how my life was going. Every day the same thing happens. It’s like I’m living my life repeatedly each day. I wanted to quit at some point and find a new work that would somehow put some excitement in my life. But then that changed when one day you walked to our café.

I could still remember that day. How could I? When that day I have laid my eyes on the most beautiful being in this world. My co-workers told me that you’re a regular here, but I didn’t seem to notice you. Well, guess that’s true since everyone, except me, know who you are. How could I even miss someone like you? I’ve been working here for years and this is the first time I saw you. And ever since that day, my world seemed to change.

I wake up every day with a smile on my face. I feel excited to come to work and wait for you to come. And they were right you’re a regular here. You always come by at 3 in the afternoon, order your favorite drink and pastry and sit near the window at the corner of the café. You stay there for hours, looking at the outside view, sometimes writing something on the notebook that you always carry. You smile from time to time. And oh how I love that smile. It was so pure, so innocent, and so beautiful.

I can’t help but stare at you while you stare at the window. You look beautiful as the sunlight rest on your flawless skin, as it reflect on your sparkling eyes. You look like a work of art. An angel from above. I didn’t notice that just from observing you from the counter that I would fall for you.

You haven’t done anything but somehow this heart of mine beats crazily fast by the mere sight of you. Also, I was someone who didn’t believe in love at first sight but you changed that. When I thought I couldn’t fall for you even more, I saw something that made me realize you’re the one for me.

It was a Sunday. I have no work so I decided to have a walk in the park. And there I saw you, there were many kids surrounding you. You seem to be having a good time with them. You smile. You laugh. You even play with them. I can’t help but smile by the sight.

A tap on my shoulder took me back to reality. It was one of my co-workers. Apparently, he was walking by and saw me staring at you. He keep on teasing me and I felt embarrassed. He just laugh seeing my reddening face. But I’m thankful because he told me things about you.

According to him, you’re a model and a blogger. You model for famous designers and you were also know for the volunteer works you’ve participated in and apparently you are now starting your very own foundation. Wow. You truly are an angel.

I can’t help but smile while listening to all the things he was saying. But that smile faded when he said that if ever I feel something for you I should just hide it because rumors say that you’re already dating someone. I don’t want to believe it. It’s just a rumor and I never saw you with anyone. In the end, my co-worker just wish me luck and told me to act fast.

I spend that night thinking of ways for you to finally notice me. I even called my sister for advice but unfortunately she just teased me. I really thought she could help me. As I plan to go to sleep I noticed the picture of lotuses that hang by my door. And that gave me an idea.

Fortunately, my origami skills didn’t fail me. That afternoon with the help of my friend and co-worker, I asked him to give you the paper lotus along with your order. Of course I told him to not say my name. Inside each lotus are small notes. I can’t help but smile as I see you read each note and smile. Sometimes I even saw you blush and that boost my confidence that maybe, just maybe I might have a chance with you.

I did that for a year and I told myself that I would finally confess on Valentine’s Day. I prepared everything for a month. I can’t wait to finally say all the words I wanted to tell you. I can’t wait to let you know that this heart beats for you and you only.

It was a week before Valentine’s when you stopped coming by the café. I thought it was just for a day or two but it wasn’t. Valentine’s Day came and I could see any trace of you. It went for a month and still there was no one coming, ordering his favorite drink and pastry, and spending the afternoon by the corner of the café.

But I never give up and still believe that one day you will again enter that door and I could finally see you again and this time I won’t hide behind those paper lotus and will finally say what I wanted to say with my voice and not with those notes.

That day finally came. You came back. When I saw you standing by the door my lips automatically formed into a curve. This is it. This is my chance. I started to collect every courage I have in my body. I can finally say how much I love you. Finally.

But that was just a short-lived happiness, because as you walked through that door, you weren’t alone anymore. Your hand is entwined with someone else’s. The two of you walked pass me and went to your favorite spot – by the window at the corner of the café. I saw how he treat you like a princess. How you smile at him. How he make you laugh. You seem happy with him and so does him with you. You looked good together. The sight breaks my heart into a million pieces. And I didn’t notice that tears started to fall.

I excused myself and ran outside. I can’t take it. It hurts so much seeing you with someone else. I know you aren’t mine. You weren’t before and there’s no way you’ll ever be. If only I just asked you personally. If only I just straightforwardly talked to you. If only I wasn’t a coward then maybe I am the one doing those things to you and not him.

When I returned to the café, you weren’t there anymore. I feel relieved, because I still hate the sight of you being with someone else. What I thought was a one day event became an everyday torture. You came to the café everyday just like before but unlike in the past where you came here alone, you now go here with him and each and every day I need to see that sight of you with someone else. I thought I would get used to it and will eventually move on. But I was wrong.

As days pass by, I can see you get closer and closer. How sweet you are to each other. How you share those smiles and laughs. You seem happy with him, as much as I know that I can make you happier, I am not someone who will ruin a beautiful relationship just to get what I want. I wasn’t like that and what if I was wrong and I couldn’t make you happy then I would hate myself more.

Valentine’s Day came. It’s almost a year since you and he keep on coming to the café, and as much as it still hurt, I get used to the sight. At least I can still can see that beautiful face of yours, your smile. At least I can still see you. But then I never saw this coming, I came to the café early because I wanted to ask if I can take the day off. I just feel that I’m not ready to see you with him today, especially when I planned to use this same day last year to confess to you. But apparently things won’t go as plan. The manager told us that we need to work for the day since the café was rented by someone and we need to work to prepare the café for something that will happen tonight. Other employees started to suspect that someone might propose here tonight and they all smile at the thought. I also can’t hide my smile, thinking that someone would be this sweet and do all this effort for his special someone.

We are all excited when the manager told us that the one who rented the place was here and we should do our best to accommodate the things that he wanted. We all promised to do our best. The manager called the person who we will be working for. And my world shattered by the sight of the man that entered the room. It was him.

Apparently, he chose the café for your date tonight since it was your favorite café. And to make things worse, he wanted to decorate the café with lotuses. Just great.

Apparently, you partner told him that you used to receive paper lotuses whenever you goes to this café before and he wanted to surprise you with something like that because according to him you really loved those paper lotuses and the sweet notes within each one, and you used to keep them and you he still do. Also he said that you misses those paper lotuses and was quite sad when you didn’t receive another one ever since you came back here.

My heart skipped a beat as those words enter my ear. Did I hear it right? You loved my paper lotuses and keep my notes? You misses my lotuses and notes? I sigh. No I can’t feel something like this now. That was all in the past. You already have someone by your side and it wasn’t me.

As we start our work, I was given the task to make the paper lotuses since they know that making origami was my hobby. As much as I didn’t want to do it I have no choice.

As I was folding each paper, he came closer to me. He ask me if I can teach him how to do it. He said he wanted to learn how so he can make it for you every day and make you smile.

“Is this how you do it?” he asked.

I just nodded. He’s doing great actually.

“You know what, I’m not really good at things like these. But if it can make him smile, I’m willing to master this.” He said.

“You really do love him, don’t you?” I don’t know why I even ask such a thing.

“Of course. I love him so much and I’m willing to do everything for him.” His smile never left his face while saying those words.

“You know what, I never thought that I will have a chance with him. He was a famous model. He’s beautiful. He’s nice. He’s an angel on Earth. He’s totally out of my league. But one day I took the chance and confessed. Then we started to go out. At first I thought I was dreaming but I wasn’t. I’m really dating the man of my dreams. And ever since that they I promised that I will love him forever.”

“That’s why you’re doing all of these for him?”

“Yes. I wanted to make him feel the same feeling he felt during those times that he received those paper lotuses. Actually there are times I get jealous to whoever that was doing that paper lotus, because he always talked about how that someone made him smile, and sometimes he tease me that if that someone confessed to him before me, then I wouldn’t be where I am now.” He said that and I can sense the sadness in his voice.

“But good thing, he didn’t confessed right? That’s why even though it hurts, I’m thankful to whoever that was because he let me be with him.” He continued.

“By the way my name’s Minhyun, Hwang Minhyun and you are?”

“Jonghyun. Kim Jonghyun.”

“Well, Jonghyun. Thank you very much. I’m sure Minki would love these.”

“I hope he would.”

As he walked out of the room, I can’t help my tears from falling. It hurts. You blew your chance Jonghyun. You blew it. If only you weren’t such a coward. I thought seeing him with someone would be the most painful truth, but apparently it wasn’t. Knowing that I almost had the chance, if only I confessed earlier, I could be the one on Hwang Minhyun’s shoes. I should be the one preparing all of these for you, and I wasn’t just one of the crews that is helping in the preparation. It could have been me. It could have been us.

It was 7 in the evening and the preparation is complete. The café looked beautiful just like you. When you entered the café, you looked so surprised and I can see the tears that slowly forming by the side of your eyes.

“Surprise my love. Happy Valentine’s Day.” Minhyun said as he give you a beautiful bouquet full of flowers.

You didn’t say anything and just hugged him. You seemed so happy. You gave him your most beautiful smile. That smile that I adored for so long. That smile that I wished to be the reason behind. Unfortunately, that would happen now, because you already have someone that could bring that beautiful smile on your face.

Everything went according to plan. You two had the night of your lives, while I’m here, just like before, observing you from afar.

I need to stop torturing myself. I decided to go home early but before I could step out of the café, Minhyun came to me and bring me to your table.

“Minki, I would like you to meet Jonghyun. He’s the one who made these beautiful lotuses and he also taught me how to make one.”

“Hi Jonghyun. I’m Minki. And thank for making all of these.” You flashed that beautiful smile at me. “You don’t know how I love lotuses. So thank you.”

“It’s nothing. The one you should be thanking is Mr. Hwang here and not me. He prepared all of these for you.”

“I know that, but still thank you. It must been hard teaching him to these kind of things.” You and he just pout.

“It wasn’t hard actually. He’s really good.”

“Really? Don’t be too nice to him.” You laughed.

“Yah. Why don’t you just believe in Jonghyun that I can be good at things like these?”

“Because I know you’re not. And I’m really wondering why would you go this far.” You kept on teasing Minhyun.

“It’s because I love you so much and I’m willing to do everything for you.”

“Yah. Stop being so cheesy.” You hit his arm and hide your reddening face.

“I don’t care if you find it cheesy. But I’ll never get tired of telling you how much I love you Choi Minki.”

“I love you too, Hwang Minhyun.” You smiled at him. You looked at him with those eyes full of love.

You seemed too immersed into your own world so I just excused myself. Both of you apologized and thanked me once more.

With that I decided to go home. I don’t have a role here anymore. Before I could leave the café completely, I saw how you two got closer and closer and shared a sweet kiss. I didn’t realized that tears are slowly falling while I stare at the two of you. I can feel my heart breaking into a million pieces.

No Jonghyun, this was all you fault. You caused this pain because you were a coward. You don’t have the right to get jealous, or to get hurt. This is all your fault. If only you were braver. If only you acted faster. If only…

After that day, I decided to resign and move back to my hometown. I wanted to leave everything behind. I wanted to forget everything. I planned to give you the paper lotus I made for my confession, but I decided not too because even if I give it to you now, it won’t change anything. It won’t turn back the time. It won’t change the fact that you’re not mine and will never be.

From now on, I just want you to be happy even though I won’t be the reason for your happiness, I want you to live a happy life being loved by the one you loved, and that is Hwang Minhyun. I can finally let you go, knowing that there is someone who will always be by your side and will make you feel loved.

*****

After years of being away, I finally came back to this old café. The café where I first fall in love. The café where I experience my first heartache. This café hold so much of my past.

I am now a successful business man. I have expanded our family business when I decided to go back to my hometown. Everything seemed okay. I have a stable business. I achieved my dreams for my parents. But there’s still something that’s missing and that is someone to love.

It’s been years but I still couldn’t find someone who could replace you in my heart. Yes, I’ve dated other women and men but still, this heart won’t beat like it did for you. I guess after all these years, you still own this crazy heart of mine.

I wonder how you have been for the past years. I haven’t heard anything about you since that night. Maybe you and Minhyun got married already, and is now having your own family, while I’m still here looking for someone to love.

I entered the café, and what caught my eyes was a figure by the window at the corner of the café. Could it be? Is it even possible? Is it really you?

I walked closer expecting to see a certain someone. But I got closer, what I see wasn’t the one I was expecting. Sitting on your favorite spot was him, Hwang Minhyun.

“Minhyun?” I asked and he looked at me.

“Jonghyun? Is that you? Long time no see.” He smiled at me.

“Yeah. Long time no see. Can I sit?”

“Yes. Of course.”

“You alone?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Where’s Minki? Why isn’t he with you?”

You didn’t answer my question and just look at the cup of coffee in front of you. I feel that something’s not right.

“Is everything okay?”

You keep silent and won’t look at me.

“Yah. Hwang Minhyun. I’m talking to you.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just that… Minki, he’s…”

You can’t continue your words as tears fall from your eyes. I knew it something’s off.

“Minki is what?! What happened to him?!” I didn’t realize that my voice got louder.

“Maybe it’s better if you would come with me.” He got up and walked out of the café. I followed him.

He drive us into a place I don’t even know existed. It’s somewhere far from the city. We pass by a cemetery and start to become nervous. Minhyun seemed to notice.

“Don’t worry he’s not dead.”

I feel relieved by his words but still I can feel something is wrong. We arrived at what seem to be a hospital. We walked inside and went straight to one of the rooms at the end of the hallway. There at the door your name was written.

He opened the door and let me it. As I entered the room, there I saw you. You’re lying on the hospital bed with your eyes closed and with different machines connected to your body. My body couldn’t move. I can’t believe what I’m seeing.

“He’s been in coma for two years now.” Minhyun said. Sadness evident in his voice.

He move closer to you and patted the chair next to him. I sat there, still looking at you with disbelief. How did this happen? Why of all people it had to be you?

“How?” That’s the only word I could say.

“Remember that night that we spend our Valentine’s on your café, we went there the next day to thank all of you and we noticed that you weren’t there. The other employees said that you resigned and went back to your hometown. He felt said that day and said he really wanted to thank you and want to learn how to make those paper lotus. But still we keep on going back to the café because it’s our favorite and somehow hoping that you’ll visit. Then came a time when I needed to go out of town because of business and he had to go there alone. And that was the time that he knew about your secret.”

I looked at him, surprise is painted on my face. “My secret?”

“Yes. He learned from one of your co-workers that you were the one that had been giving him the paper lotuses. Your co-worker slipped and have told him how you planned to confessed to him. How you loved him from afar for a year. And when I came back I saw him arranging his things, planning to see you. Of course I didn’t allow him too. Why would he even do that? Then he told me that it was you, the one whom had been giving those paper lotuses. But what he didn’t knew that I already know that.”

“You knew?”

“At first, I wasn’t sure but when I saw the one’s you made for that night and the one’s he’s been keeping, I can see the similarity. And then I tried asking the workers at the café, about it and I got the confirmation I need. I never told him that, afraid that he would leave me if he knew. I know I’m selfish for doing that but can you blame me? I love him and I know he loved me, but still I know that deep down his heart, there’s a place that belonged to the maker of those paper lotuses, there’s a placed that belonged to you. I knew that. I could feel that. That’s why I wouldn’t allow the two of you see each other again. But he insisted. He even pleaded and said that if I really loved him, I’ll let him. So, even I didn’t want to, I finally let him. I realized that I couldn’t force him to stay with me if his heart belonged to someone else.”

“You let him go? But I never once saw him.”

“That’s because he never made it to where you are. His car got involved in an accident on his way to your hometown. He got hurt badly but fortunately the doctors saved his life. But still even though the surgery went well, he hasn’t woke up since then. And I’ve been taking care of him since then with his family. And every day I went to that café hoping that you’ll come back.”

“But why?”

“Because I wanted to take you here. That maybe if he could hear your voice, if he can feel your touch, he would wake up. I don’t care if he won’t be mine once he wakes up. All I want is for him to wake up, to see him alive and smiling.” He’s crying while saying those words.

“You really do love him, don’t you? Don’t worry if ever he wakes up, I won’t interfere to what you guys have. He’s yours and not mine.”

“I loved him but he’s not mine, he’s not entirely mine. Because that heart of his is yours. Well I think I’ll just leave him with you.” He said and patted my back and went out of the room.

I can’t believe I’ll be seeing you again. I can’t believe that I could hold your hand like this. I touch your face, feeling your flawless skin on my hand. You look so fragile. You look so divine.

“Minki-ya. Please wake up. I’m here now. I thought you wanted to learn how to make those paper lotuses. How could I teach you if you’re just lying there? Come on wake up. Please wake up.” I didn’t realize I was crying.

“Do you know much I waited for this moment? That I can finally hold your hand that I can finally talk to you. Do you know how much I loved you and I still do? I fell for you the first time I saw you walked through the door of that café. I’ve been giving you those paper lotuses because I’m too scared to face you and confess. I planned to confess but you didn’t come that day on the café, and when you came back you already had Minhyun by your side. Do you know how much it hurt seeing you with someone else? But I can’t blame you or him because it was my fault. Because I was too scared to tell you how I felt, you fell for someone else. But I’m here now. I’m finally brave enough to tell you how much I love you. I’m not scared anymore. I’m ready to make you feel the love that way long overdue. So please wake up and let me take my chance to make you happy. Please.” I can’t help the new set of tears from falling.

I squeezed your hand and I could feel your hand moved. I looked at your hand and looked at your face. Your eyes are slowing opening. Tears keep on falling from my eyes. You’re awake. Finally, you’re awake. I was about to call the nurse but you stopped me.

“No. Don’t call anyone. It’s okay. I’m okay. I just want you to stay here.”

I nodded and stayed by your side.

“Do you want anything? Food? Water?”

“No. I just want you to stay by my side.”

“Okay. I will. I won’t ever leave you again.”

“Jonghyun-ah. I’m sorry.”

“No. You don’t have to apologize for anything. I wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I got too scared. But I’m not scared anymore. So now all you need to think about is yourself and that you need to get better so we can make up for the years that we missed.”

“Jonghyun-ah. I’m sorry. As much as I wanted to do that I’m afraid that I can’t.”

“What are you talking about? Of course you can. You’ll get better. I promise you that.”

You touch my face and flash that beautiful smile of yours. I never thought I could see that smile again. And I promise from now on I would do everything to keep that smile.

“Jonghyun-ah. I want to thank you for all those lotuses and notes you’ve been giving me. You don’t know how it made me smile. And it made look forward to each day. During the first time I went to your café that was the day I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. During that time I thought I wasn’t the person that deserved to be loved but then the paper lotuses started to come and with each note that come along with it, I feel loved. I could feel that there is someone out there that will love me. It gave me a reason to believe in love again. I keep on waiting for the person sending them to finally come out. But a year had passed and there’s no trace of who that person is. And that time Minhyun was one of my suitors and since he have showed me so many times how much he loved me, and seemed like the maker of the lotus doesn’t have the intention to reveal himself, I decided to give Minhyun a chance. I didn’t regret that decision. He made me feel loved. I did love him. But when he surprised me that night with all those paper lotuses, I remembered those times I’ve been receiving them. And then Minhyun introduced you to me. When I saw you I felt something weird. But I ignored it. And then I learned that you were the one. You were the maker of those paper lotuses. Then that hit me, even just through those lotuses, those notes, I’ve fallen for you. I wanted to tell you that so I planned to follow you. But things took a wrong turn and I ended up here than into your arms.”

“We both have our own regrets and what ifs, but let’s not think about that anymore. What’s important is that you’re awake now and I’m here. I will never leave you again. I promise you that.” I smiled at you.

“But Jonghyun-ah I don’t think I can do that. I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing. You can do it. We can do it.” I smiled at you. But I can’t help but feel something’s bad is going to happen.

“Okay. I’ll try.” You smiled at me and somehow I feel relieved.

“Now do you want to eat anything?”

“No. I think I’ll just rest for a while.”

“Okay. Rest well my baby. I’ll just be here.”

I smiled and you smiled back as you close your eyes.

The next day, I wake up early and ask Minhyun to look at you for a while. I wanted to buy you your favorite drink and pastries from the café so I can surprised you when you wake up.

I drove to the café and bought all your favorites. I drove back with a smile on my face imagining how much you’ll love tasting these again, you must missed it.

That smile faded as I enter the hospital and see doctors and nurses running towards your room. Bad thoughts start to creep in and I rush towards your room. But what welcomed me was the sight and sound I never wanted to see and hear.

You’re there lying on bed, not moving and inch. I move closer just to hear the doctor say. “Time of death, 9:06 in the morning.”

I feel my knees get weak. My hands are shaking. I just heard it wrong right. You aren’t dead. You aren’t. No. It can’t be.

“Jonghyun…”

“No. Minhyun. This isn’t true right. He’s just joking right.”

“Jonghyun.”

“Doc, you’re just kidding right? He’s going to wake up right?”

“I’m sorry but…”

“NO! HE’LL WAKE UP. HE TOLD ME THAT HE’LL TRY. THAT HE’LL FIGHT. YAH. MINKI-YA. OPEN YOUR EYES. YOU TOLD ME YOU’LL TRY RIGHT. PLEASE WAKE UP. I STILL HAVEN’T TAUGHT YOU HOW TO MAKE A PAPER LOTUS. I STILL HAVEN’T SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. YAH. WAKE. PLEASE WAKE UP.” I don’t care if I look pathetic, I just want him to wake up.

“Jonghyun-ah. He’s gone. I know it hurts. I know it’s hard but we need to accept it. He’s gone. Minki’s gone.”

“THAT’S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY! YOU HAD HIM FOR YEARS. YOU’VE SHOWED HIM HOW MUCH YOU LOVED HIM AND HE LOVED YOU BACK. WHILE ME, I’M JUST STARTING. WE STILL HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO. I STILL HAVEN’T SAID ALL THAT’S I’VE BEEN WANTING TO TELL HIM. I STILL HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY. I STILL HAVE SO MANY THINGS I WANTED TO DO FOR HIM. I STILL…” I can’t continue my words, and just cried instead.

Why must you leave me now? Why now that we got a chance to start all over again? Why?!

I cried and cried for I don’t know how long. I didn’t eat for days or was that weeks. I don’t know. I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t have the will to live. Now, that he’s gone what’s the purpose of living anyway?

I wanted to end my life but Minhyun stopped me.

“What do you think you’re doing?!”

“WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE?! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“DO YOU THINK THIS IS WHAT MINKI WANTED? NO! HE WANTED YOU TO BE HAPPY AND NOT LIKE THIS.”

“IF HE WANTED ME TO BE HAPPY HE SHOULDN’T HAVE LEFT ME!”

“That wasn’t his choice Jonghyun-ah. He would never leave you if he could, but we don’t have control over one’s life and death. I know it hurts but do you think he would be happy if he see you like this. No, he wouldn’t. What he want is for you to be happy. Maybe that’s the reason why he woke up that day, so he can say all those things to you. So that he could finally say that he loves you.”

As much as how painful, Minhyun’s word are, but he is right. This kind of thing is out of our control. And as hard it maybe I need to finally let you go. I need to let you go for the second time. It hurts but I must accept it. That you’re not by my side anymore but you’ll always be right here, in my heart – where you’ve always been.