Don’t Follow Me

 

The day was extremely beautiful and I wish that I could enjoy it better, but I didn’t knew how to put a sincere smile in my face. For many times I took pictures, that I could see the untidy bright reflecting in my eyes. While one eye would be bright, the other one would be completely dim. But in this day, I could see that they both were not shinning by any reflections.

 

When they turned fully dark, my smile disappeared too.

 

Every little thing was part of a silent process.

 

I slowly let signs, so my future self would notice.

 

Notes in the drawer.

 

Photo captions.

 

Poems.

 

Scrawled drawings.

 

Music letters everywhere, these are the easiest ones to notice.

 

In that notebook with white sheets, but dark cover, I’ve draw in just five pages. Reading these ones today, in three of them I was announcing the despair that I would face after the end of my relationship. The end was not the one to blame, but knowing that it would come made me realise something I have forgotten for nearly two years.

 

It made me remember that I wasn’t enough for anybody, including myself.

 

It made me recall, as well, that it doesn’t matter if I keep spending all my money into things that could make me happy. I could give myself all the pleasures I wanted and, even still, it wouldn’t be enough. My happiness was shattered in many things, and I could never reach it no matter how hard I try.

 

I would cry.

 

Suffer.

 

Wish for the dead to find me.

 

I would remember about those lips, that I couldn’t even recall the taste.

 

I would collect all of my mistakes.

 

And wish that I could repair every one of them.

 

I would listen to songs that could cheer me up.

 

I would play all the games I like.

 

I would watch the broadcasts of my beloved idols.

 

And, it wouldn’t be enough.

 

At the end of this day, I would cry myself to sleep again.

 

Or, if the tears wouldn’t fall, the feeling would be exact the same.

 

There is a hollow inside of me and nothing can fill in it. I was someone searching for resemblance, for answers and satiation and someone like this could only break anything that touches. Because the happiness wouldn’t be here for long, because sometimes I couldn’t even remember what was to be happy and no one could understand someone like me.

 

People would often ask me why I kept myself in silence, why I shut myself to them. I wondered too. Then I started to fight back, and told them that I had never shut myself. They were the ones that never wanted to listen in the first place. No one could understand how cruel it was the reality inside of me, without thinking that it was just madness. And I never wanted to face that reality, so I masked my outdoors with fake smiles.

 

I lost every friend I had. They were dragged away slowly by a hangover ocean. But I was happy, when they left, because I made sure that they believed I was happy when they landed on me. It’s really a shame when they go away. It hurts me so much to let them. But it’s better this way. Their lack of understanding would only give me more pain. So I cut all my friendships, when they got to this turning point.

 

I was really, really afraid.

 

I was afraid of any kind of relationship, but I always took the first step when I saw someone as lonely as me in the distance. Maybe I could save a good soul, maybe someone could come and save me as well.

 

If I haven’t broke down with my girlfriend, she could have save me. Maybe our feelings could grow strong enough to prevent me from strangle myself. Even if that relationship was also choking me. But I did, I destroyed it until there was nothing left than broken shards. It wasn’t that hard, anyway. She didn’t put any barriers, I was grateful in my thoughts.

 

Since that day I’ve decided that I was the only that would dictate my future, until the day of my death. I’ve decided that I would do anything that I found useful then I would go and see my end. I had to avoid a simple path, because I was still afraid. But I was convicted, I wouldn’t go leaving anything without a closure.

 

I didn’t schedule it, I let myself have all the time that I wanted so I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. I was trying to forget what I was going to do, keeping my mind always busy. Then destiny, as it was always a good friend of mine, started to give me signs that I was right in my decision. But the timing was wrong.

 

Anyway, I was always patient, I could wait.

 

When I finally realised that nothing would be enough, that was foolish to wait for a proper time. I left everything and made things the way I always do, I thought about it for one second and in the other I was already with my ticket for Japan in my hand. I wanted to know that land with all my strength and I would be doing that before my heart stops beating.

 

It was a sunny day, I couldn’t even look to the sun’s direction blame the photophobia caused by my migraine. I left the subway and stopped by a coffee nearby. That was the only place that looked quiet enough for me.

 

My japanese wasn’t really good, I haven’t practiced my speech that much. But at least I could got a coffee, to easy my migraine, and a sweet made of rice. Some minutes after I was served, a brunette girl entered the shop. I just took a fast glimpse at her, she looked pretty even if I saw just her back. But I didn’t think it would be polite to keep on staring at her, so I never looked to her again.

 

I had to follow my path just after, slowly walking in the crowded street, when I finally found the way to the forest. I had to grab strongly in the strings hanging from my bag, then I took a deep breath before taking the red tape I’ve bought. I had to focus on it, so it took me awhile to turn my gaze back in front of me. There was a dark and silent forest, like no animal was living there.

 

Everything was grey, dark green and brown in it’s inside.

 

Just like me.

 

It seems like the sun went hiding, as soon as I put my feet on that cursed ground. The sky was fully covered by the high trees, but I could sense when started to rain. I tied the tip of the tape in a tree nearby and started to move again. The walk was harsh, because I wasn’t there to follow the trails. I would make my own way, until the end of that tape.

 

The rain was weak and slim, but the floor was slippery and I could only smell something so incoherent that I couldn’t understand it myself. Beauty couldn’t be found in that place, lost shoes and belongings everywhere. Not only that, corpses where all over too. I didn’t need to see them, I knew they where there hiding, maybe looking at me as I make my way through them. Some still had the rope around their necks, while hanging from the trees. Other ones were lying on the floor, becoming one with nature.

 

I was afraid.

 

I thought about running my way back and pretend that it never ever happened, that I never was there.

 

But I couldn’t change my way.

 

And I knew it that the end would be painful and ugly.

 

I knew it very well.

 

Still, I couldn’t avoid it.

 

I was almost at the end of my tape, when I realised that someone has been following me. For sometimes I thought that was only the forest looking at me, because everything looked like it was moving. But the person showed herself when my eyes finally landed on her direction, and I was relieved that it wasn’t just the forest looking directly at me.

 

“I heard about you.” Not her, I didn’t knew her. I heard about people like her, the ones that would volunteer in that forest.

 

I walked past the brunette girl wearing a black cap.

 

“You’re marking your way. Why?” Her soft voice came smoothly in my ears. I could see her taking a step in my direction, but she soon stopped as I glared at her. “You don’t need to talk with me, if you don’t want.” She said bowing in my direction. “But I’m here, I can listen to anything you might say.” I could see how scared she was, even if she wasn’t stuttering.

 

“It’s been some time, since I last talked with anyone.” I took a sit near one of the trails.

 

The girl came to sit with me. We kept ourselves in a strangely comfortable silence. She didn’t dare to ask anything else and it took me a little while to realise that I haven’t answered her first question. Maybe she thought that would be rude to ask yet another thing, or she was thinking that I wasn’t in a place to answer or talk about anything at all.

 

But I was sitting there, wasn’t I?

 

“I really don’t know, why I’m marking my way. I just felt like it, so I’m doing.” I said in Korean, thinking that she wouldn’t understand a single word.

 

But she did understood and clearly spoke with me in the same language just seconds after.

 

“Maybe you want to go back? Or maybe you want somebody to find you?” Her voice was low, but I could hear her clearly in that silent forest.

 

That wasn’t the matter though, I was pretty sure I could her her even in a crowded place.

 

“More likely the second…” I said vaguely. “Why are you here? Do you think you can save somebody’s life?”

 

“Save somebody? I’m no hero…” She smiled, a weak and sad smile if that’s possible. “But help… maybe I can help those confused and desperate that often get lost in here.”

 

“I’m not confused, nor desperate.”

 

“I can see by your eyes.” She told, firmly staring deep in my eyes like she could read my soul. “That’s why I wanted to understand why you were marking your way.”

 

“This tape leaves a mark in everything she touches…” I said looking elsewhere, back at the way marked behind me. “I envy her, because I don’t know if I could do the same in the path I’ve made in my life. I pushed back all my friends, I don’t know if they’ll ever kindly remember me. I don’t even know if they’ll remember me at all. I don’t know if they’ll notice when I’m gone.”

 

“I’m pretty sure you’re especial for a lot of people, your lost will cause them too much pain. I suppose you know that.”

 

“Do I really know?” Even the smile creeping in my face, he was tired as well. I was just fake smiling again. “I think about my mom a lot, and I think about me too. I was always the most hopeful person I’ve ever met, and I laughed at everything back then. The “smiley girl” my friends would call. And I never believed that I could have the guts to do this, but I’m here. Ain’t I?”

 

“It doesn’t need to be now, just because you’re here. This doesn’t need to be the end.”

 

“I know that this pain I’m feeling, it will go away just like the other ones did. Tomorrow I can forget that I came here, like I forgot worst things.” I took a deep breath, I was nearly crying, I could feel the knot in my chest wanting to be released by my throat. “But after this pain vanish, I know that other ones will follow. And I also know that someone could come and make me forget, for a minute or for years, this emptiness I feel. I don’t want this again, I don’t want to live through all of this again. This pain… I can’t endure the same pain I once felt, I don’t want my life to be struck about the same thing over and over again, I don’t want to be tied in these useless patterns. I can’t handle this.”

 

“Life may be hard, but you’re way stronger than you think. Everything that you ever had to witness is important to your future, it can always bring you to new discoveries.”

 

“Some months ago, I realised that I was dead already. That person I once was, she doesn’t exist anymore. And this me that everyone ignored, this me that I’m today, it lived inside of me all along. Today I feel myself chewed, this black dog got nourished of all the bad thoughts that wouldn’t leave my mind. They say that it’s a brain disorder, I don’t know. And yes, I tried to fight against it. I got profissional help, I took all the pills and I’ve tried my best. But you can’t bring back what is already dead.”

 

“If you’re still breathing, you can’t say that you’re dead. You just need to keep breathing and release everything that’s tearing you apart.”

 

“You remind me of my ex-girlfriend.” I gave a sincere smile at her direction, I wasn’t sure. “Maybe she could have saved me, she did that for almost two years. She got me so busy, that I didn’t got time to face the bad feelings for some months. But she didn’t care enough, to accept and understand this other side of me. If it were not for her, maybe I wouldn’t be this torn.” I could feel the tears finally falling. “She got me well distracted, but she helped to destroy the remaining parts of that other girl I was.” I realised that I was openly saying about my same- relationship to a total stranger, and I couldn’t care less if she would judge me or not.

 

“Can I hug you?” She asked, all of the sudden.

 

I looked at her and saw red eyes covered in tears just like mine.

 

She was different, that girl. I could see, in her worried eyes, how much she could notice that I was so in need of that hug.

 

“Y- yes.”

 

“My name is Mina.” She told, before she embrace me with her arms, almost whispering in my ears. “I thought it would be weird, if I didn’t introduce me better before hugging you. They said is dangerous to hug strangers.” She was smiling, I could see even if I was only staring at the forest behind her shoulders.

 

I let her embrace me with all her strenght, I was a hug lover afterall. With a embrace like that, I could really feel that someone would indeed miss me somewhere. I could feel that I was indeed living, that I had one place I belonged in the world. One place that was warm and lovely, even if it lasted for just a glimpse of time.

 

I knew, though, that it wouldn’t last more than this.

 

It would fade like every other good feeling I once had.

 

“You will always have someone that cares about you, someone that will be by your side, someone that will understand you with an open heart and arms.” She said, once we got apart.

 

I smiled at her direction.

 

The last fake smile I had.

 

But she was wrong or, at least, I couldn’t feel that she was right. I always felt myself misunderstood by everyone. All the people I had open up myself too, every single one of them, feared everything that was inside of me and I couldn’t blame them.

 

This black dog was indeed harmful.

 

And this duality that I was, lived in no one else.

 

“Thank you Mina, it was a pleasure to meet you.” I took the scissors that I’ve bought with me and cut the tape.

 

In my bag, now, was only the rope laying there.

 

“My name is Kim Dahyun.” I said. “Please, don’t follow me beyond this point.”

 

The day was still beautiful, even when the rain grew stronger and follow along with the tears in my face.

 

The path I chose, I just wished I could tell to no one else follow.

 

That girl, Mina, she was right when she said that it’s never too late if you keep breathing.

 

You just have to keep breathing.