Memories, surging back to me but my brain is suppressing them because, what? This does not look anything like that stupid boy.

I am standing in front of a commercial building in Shibuya, craning my neck to get a view of the huge poster hanging from the skyscraper.

ONE OK ROCK, three bold words right before my eyes. And there he is, not losing the crazy in his eyes. I would be lying if I said I never watched any of his music videos.

Of course I did. This is what you do in the middle of the night when news of your ex-tutee flashes across the television in your bachelorette home and you're sitting alone in the dark with only the lights flashing from the laptop and the television. They are a big thing now, apparently. I am absolutely jealous. That stupid punk who throws a tantrum over a simple math homework, now a huge rock star with crazy fan girls chasing after him.

How long was that ago?

How big are they now that they have to ruin my weekend night with their giant-size poster for an enormous concert-- unbelievable I tell you. The me a few years ago would have scoffed and shook my head if you were to tell me this stupid kid will have sold-out concerts in Yokohama stadium. I will laugh til I drop dead in my grave.

I stood there for a good five minutes, looking up to Takahiro's grown-up face. That burning look he dorns on, yelling out his song into the microphone, this is the side of him I didn't see in his adolescent days. He was like a buzzing hornet, angry and always knocking down everything before him, because he didn't have anything to work hard for. He had no aim, he only had desires which are different from ambitions. 

I'm reassured. Even though that is totally none of my business now. 

Those responsibilities have expired more than eight years ago.

I was looking for a more flexible job out of the tuition centre where I had to deal with a class of hyperactive kids and rebellious teenagers. Be it fate or whatever star signs took over my destiny that day, I found a home tutor position through a colleague. I had high hopes because she told me they were rich and were willing to pay a huge sum for the position.

I went for the interview the next day. They were urgently looking for a "home tutor to guide their teenage son". I saw only the mother in the large mansionette. It was all quiet and empty except for a goofy golden retriever sitting in the front yard. Otherwise, it was dead quiet. A classical piano sat in the far end of the living room, looking unused and lonely.

The woman in her forties, looked like she was only in her thirties. She wore a smile, a polite one that most Tokyo dwellers would put on in front of guests. It was merely polite, without any genuine joy in her eyes. I bet she practiced that a lot because I knew who she was. Taka's mother was a enka singer, had a name in the Japan music industry that time, his father too. They were celebrities and she confirmed that in our conversation. That was why she only looked for tutors through word of mouth, through people she trusted. 

She was fine with my portfolio and wanted me to start immediately. I was bewildered by the quick recruitment. She only met me for ten minutes and decided to employ me. I thought there would be more questions since they had all the reason to be more cautious since they are celebrities and extremely wealthy. Their children must be of utmost priority as well. But she only asked me if I wanted to start this evening. I wanted the money and the timings were good enough compared to the tuition centre. I gave her my contact number, email, address, everything she needed to make sure I did not take advantage of their privileges. In fact, I seemed more worried about me scamming them or using them for some fee through a tabloid magazine than she is. All I got from the meeting was that they desperately needed somebody to tutor their eldest son.

Taka was sixteen years old. I was young too. That year I was only twenty-two.

The sixteen-year-old did not like the twenty-two-year-old very much.

That was the first time I met him, he had short cropped hair, wore a glum look which immediately turned aggressive and hostile when Mrs Moruichi introduced me to him. He just got back from school, wearing his uniform tucked out, a punk-y earring on one ear, and a pair of glaring eyes he would continue to use to throw daggers at me for the next few months. Years.

He went up the stairs without even greeting me. He only left a look of distaste. I didn't feel welcomed on my first day of work. 

Mrs Moruichi left moments later, leaving me staring eye to eye with the housekeeper who gave me a sorry look like I was digging my own grave. I had bad vibes. I should have known there something wrong about a high-paying home tutor and one in such a rich family. That kid must be spoiled as a rotten apple. 

He was. The little Moruichi was the worst kid I have ever met in my short teaching experience. Nobody has beaten him from his title ever since. 

He gave no s to whatever I said. He would sit down at the table in the living room with me as I try to tutor him. He would follow for the first half an hour and then he would make sure I finished talking about all his homework in that short time period before he closed his books and went back upstairs. I was supposed to be with him for three hours but he only makes me work for one-sixth of my pay. I would hear his stomping footsteps followed by blaring music with the bass shaking the ceiling on top of me.

The housekeeper was the only person who spoke to me throughout my first two weeks here. She let me in and out the house, and told me about the Moruichi family. She said the parents were hardly ever here, Taka had two more brothers whom the parents send to daycare and supplementary lessons. I didnt see them because they would only come home after I leave. Taka was the eldest and the most rebellious. He defied any commands to go for classes after school. He didn't need any supervision after class and he didn't want any lessons. I was only here to make sure he isn't doing anything funny after school when nobody's at home. 

I started bringing him small snacks and candies but they failed to hold his attention. He would exhaust my loot for the day and disappear back to his room. I felt foolish for letting a kid climb over my head. Even at a supple age, Taka already had intimidating eyes. I got scared of him at first but when I realised I was not going to be a pushover no more, he too realised I am not going to let his antics go easy.

I started bringing him magazines and CDs in exchange for 15 minutes more of his attention. He was sloppy in his schoolwork and always felt somewhere else. He was also extremely quiet. He was unfriendly but not through words. Perhaps he was warming up to me after a few weeks. He began to sit with me for at least an hour and a half. It was unusually good performance for somebody who would disappear within an hour. Maybe my persistence moved his thick skull or maybe, he just realised he found somebody to play pranks on.

Yep. That was when he put ink over the chair i would sit on and get my trousers painted in disgusting purple. I only realised that on my way home. I was furious but did not know what to do about it. There was no way Taka would accept my punishments meekly. He would not even bother.

As days passed by, my bank account got fuller but my mental well-being was deteriorating. I had no idea how to deal with Taka. He was very independent and built fences around himself. He was resistant to dominance and was shut off enough to be immune to gentle coaxing. A very obstinate child. His spirit would have been put to good use if he was actually sure of himself that time. I was frustrated, felt like a pushover. Ultimately, I was not achieving my goal of converting him to a good kid.

Most importantly, I knew he was intelligent. A stupid punk would never be able to hold up his front for so long. Taka knew when to hold himself back in order to not get into trouble. He knew the limits but was constantly pushing them, expanding his space of freedom. He was somebody with brains but he was using them in the wrong way. I knew he had something in him, he was smart enough and sensible yet held back by his rebellious teenage cells. I didn't get what was his problem. 

Until. 

Until I slowly became a babysitter instead of a home-tutor. 

Taka got bad enough to chase away the housekeeper. I knew he did, even though Mrs Yamata told me she was going on a break, a holiday trip. I saw the smug look in his eyes and knew what was happening. He didn't chase me away so he poured all his tricks on to poor Mrs Yamata. 

I gave him extra homework and forced him to finish it. He didn't have enough school work to do, not for his thick skull. 

At that time, I was already a little closer to him, having resisted his ways of making things difficult for me. He probably thinks I'm a challenge and he wants to keep trying for a while. Otherwise, he just does not give a . 

When I said I got a little closer to him, that means he starts drawing faces on the books and showing me more smug looks of triumph whenever he makes snide remarks or just anything to annoy me. It was not any better to my mental health but I knew that was a sign he was opening up. 

"What's your name?" he asked one evening. I was so surprised, I took more than a minute to process my thoughts. I sat in my chair, staring back at him like a goldfish in a bowl. 

"What?"

He had bright puppy eyes which were equally stunned as I was before he rolled his eyes and spoke again in half the speed,

"What-- is-- your-- name--?"

He was still rude.

"I'm sorry, I just didn't believe that you would actually speak to me, wanting to know of my name." I didn't bother introducing myself in the first lesson. I knew he wasn't interested. I just had to get through the lessons before he ran off.

He stared back with a quirked brow, waiting for his answer.

"Kobayashi. Kiyoe Kobayashi."

"Such a common name." He mumbled.

It was true. Many people are called Kobayashi. Inside, I was ecstatic he actually started speaking to me. I was hoping for better improvements so we could finally do our lessons proper.

"So, you have two brothers?"

He stopped talking to me.

That day, I walked home after a quick take-out dinner, thinking about what I asked earlier, full of disappointment. I wasted the chance when he opened up and asked the wrong question! He didn't want to talk about his family, not at all. I should talk about music next time, ask him whats that blaringly loud song he liked to play all the time.

I began to pack dinner for him when I went over because Mrs Yamata was not coming back and he always skipped meals. Probably explains why he's not very tall now. Oh right, that was when he would be the one to let me in and out of the house. Sometimes, he would throw his little tantrums and not come open the door for me until I stood my fill outside the house. I hated that. He was always moody and unpredictable. I didn't like that.

That was also when I learned that he did not like cheese and milk. Right, explains the height. He was only slightly taller than me the first time we met. He grew a little over the months until he was looking down to me whenever he comes to unlock the door. Taka was a little popular in school. I saw his love letters when he would haphazardly place all his bag's contents on the table. I a little and he showed a little shyness which was so rare to see from him. Boys are still boys I guess.

Whenever he was opening up, there bound to be something out of the blue which would jolt him back to his own distant self again. We were just talking about commercial songs the day before and the next, he's all closed up again. It was as if the funny boy yesterday was not Taka, probably his brother which I mistook for. 

At that time, my hours were extended just so I could keep an eye over Taka since Mrs Yamata was no longer working for the household. Mrs Moruichi didn't really especially like me, but she had to give me the keys so I could come in and keep Taka in check. She was extremely scared Taka would go out and make trouble. But I always left before eight at the timing we agreed upon. I bet Taka goes out after I am gone but, I am just glad he didn't get into any trouble. I still had the trust in him, he was sensible enough not to harm himself.

Over the months I spent with him, Taka got tattoos, more piercings, dyed his hair and spoke a few vulgarities in front of me which I chided him sternly for. This boy could not sit still. He gave me a bad surprise one afternoon when he called me on my phone, which he never did. I was at home and stuttered when I picked up, unsure of what I had to deal with.

"Come to my school. My principal wants to see my parents." He spoke impatiently.

"I'm not your parent?"

"Come. They are not around." I could hear the dissatisfaction in his tone.

I knew he got into trouble and I was not going to let him find a way out so quickly. I wanted to make him a little more worried.

"I can contact them for you, if you want." I pretended to be helpful but the last thing he wanted was his parents to turn up.

"Just come, would you!"

Usually, when he's at this peak of his temper, he would walk away. But I hear his breathes over the phone. He was desperate for me to play guardian. 

"Beg me then. Plead and I will come."

There was a silence, I could see how his eyes widened in disbelief. I heard a exasperated sigh.

"Please come."

"What?"

"Please come. Please."

"Are you sure I'm your best bet, Taka?"

"Just come already would you! Please!"

I was satisfied with how desperate he sounded. It was like seeing another side him, collecting his emotion cards. I enjoyed it.

I went to his school and found him beaten up with another bunch of boys standing in the principal's office. I regretted going. He got into a fight over god knows what and he's wearing a bruise on the side of his lips and eyebrow. I gave him a glare and he averted his eyes, hiding an eye-roll.

I spoke to the principal, pretending to be his guardian, an aunt of his. They were fighting over something somebody said, nobody have no idea what happened exactly except for the boys. I bet it was some stupid remarks they made about each other. That's how teenage boys worked anyway.

"Moruichi has been inattentive in school all this while. There are flaws in his character and attitude. There needs to be changes. I hope you can see to that."

Even though I am also a teacher, I could see that Taka hates the principal more than usual. I could almost feel the simmering heat from his anger. The boys are standing in a straight line in the principal's office. The parents and guardians are standing on the other side. Before they were dismissed, I heard the principal calling them delinquents under his breathe. And Taka's face had the worst expression I have ever seen.

"Thank you Mr Principal." I dragged him out immediately before he could start another fire from his anger.

He shook my hand off when we were in the corridor. He glared at the floor and stalked off quickly, leaving me chasing after him.

"Oi, Takahiro!"

I yelled at him but he ignored me.

I shoved him to the direction back home when we reached the school gate. I was not going to let him go anywhere with the injuries. He seemed keen to get away, to somewhere but I bet he knows nowhere to go to because he meekly followed me home after a few forceful coaxings.

The dog greeted us when we got home. Momo was the only person-- animal, that's there all the time. Otherwise, it was just Taka and me in that goddamn house.

It leapt ontop of Taka, aware of his owner being hurt. Taka only gave it a brief on the head and pushed it away. I apologised for him by petting it a little more than usual.

For the first time, I went up to the second level to knock on Taka's door when he shut himself inside again. 

"Hey come out. Don't be a baby. You need to clean your wounds."

There was a pent up silence and then a, "I'll do it myself!"

"But I have all the medicine and plasters with me!" I yelled back at him through the door.

I waited for a five more minutes and began knocking again. The way to deal with Taka is to be persistent. "Oi, hurry up will you!"

I heard his frustrated groan and his footsteps before the door swung open. His hair was wet and a towel hung over his neck. He was only in his shorts so I averted my eyes quickly. 

"Come downstairs." I ordered him before going down myself.

He sat obediently at the table as I inspected his face. The bruise is already turning a little purple. He reluctantly sat facing me, turning his face away, eyes distractedly scanning everywhere except me. I set the first aid box down purposely loud and planted my hands on two sides of his face, forcefully turning his head back to face me. He jumped a little from the noise and my brute force. I grabbed his towel and rubbed it over his face to his hair, drying the stray droplets on his face. 

I opened the first aid box, looking for cotton buds and ointment. He started shifting around, rubbing the towel over his shoulder uncomfortably. I dabbed the cotton bud with the brown ointment. He grimaced at the colour. 

"Come." I pinched his chin, turning his cheek to me so I can dab on the bruise near his eye. He winced as the ointment seeped through his wound. We in cold air through our teeth together at the same time. He tried to twist his chin over out of my hold from the pain. I held his face so he couldn't move too much.

"It's painful!" He kept saying that throughout, behaving like a child with his unsuppressed complaints. It was the first time I made contact with him. I remember his face being soft to the touch because he was still chubby. It was cute, the way he winced and the way his eyes looked tearful. That boy had perfect eyes, really large and watery, the ideal puppy eyes which looked even more pitiful when he's in pain. He refused to get a plaster because it would look bad on his face. He was already vain back then.

I spun him around, checking for more injuries. There were some bruises and abrasions on his chest, back and elbows but he refused to let me tend to them. He clumsily took care of them himself. He probably didn't want me to touch him anymore. He was already blushing in his ears when I finished the wounds on his face. I decided to pretend he didn't. It was natural for teenagers to be shy of physical contact. It was a sensitive age and Taka didn't like intimacy. 

Besides, it was inappropriate to have any physical contact between teacher and student. It was already strange he was sitting with me without wearing a shirt. I had a few glimpses of his skinny frame. Taka always looked like a malnourished kid even though there's always a lot of energy gleaming in his eyes.

He went up to his room again and I followed him upstairs. I needed to know what happened in school.

I stood at his door while he laid upside down on his bed. And his room was huge, the kind of luxury average kids wouldn't have. It was still messy, like an average boy's bedroom. His guitar was sitting in a corner, books in the shelf I bet he never reads. Clothes were on the floor. And he was ignoring me.

I invited myself in and pulled his chair to his bed, sitting down. I stared down at him. He realised I wasn't going to go away. I started coaxing him gently and he tried to patronise me but soon got fed up with trying and spilled everything out. He hated being singled out for having celebrity parents, as if him being a failure in school is being amplified just because he has parents who are celebrities. He gave me the impression that he hated being labelled, and is ashamed of his parents' fame. He felt looked down I know. 

He put an arm over his eyes and asked me to go out. He said he wanted to rest. I obliged and left because somehow, I felt he needed the privacy to shed a few tears. I gave his pride some space and left. I bought lunch and left early. He didn't come down from his room when I left.

The next day I went back to his house, he was playing loud music so I had to go upstairs to knock on his door fervently to get him to come out. He obediently took out his school work but looked absolutely down. He had that sad puppy look which got the better of me. I said let's go out for dinner.

He tried to be cheeky and asked if it was a date. I said yes. He looked scared.

I let him pick a place and was little afraid he would choose an expensive restaurant his family probably patronises all the time. I didn't have the money. To my relief, he was extremely drawn to a nearby udon stop and wanted to eat there. He led the way and I paid for the meal. He stared when I did. 

"What? Think I'm too broke to pay for another person's meal?"

He didn't make any expression and turned back to his food. It was a small store, we had to sit at the high table side by side, a little cramped up. He ate quickly and I tried to catch up to his pace as he fiddled with his phone. On the way back, we had to squeeze into the train because I didn't want to waste the taxi fare. It was too expensive. 

It was peak hour, the trains were packed. I stood side by side with him, our arms squished together. I realised our true height difference for the first time. I had to crane my neck to look at him. I didn't manage to make any conversations throughout the ride. He was quiet and avoided eye contact.

When I walked him back home, he told me out of the blue that in fact, his two brothers are not with him. Their parents separated and they are staying the father. I was taken aback by the news and the fact that he would tell me something so private. 

"I kind of miss them." He said.

"Call them up then."

"Nah. I wouldn't know what to say."

He spoke fondly of his brothers and seemed like he wanted to see them badly. I was a little heartbroken, my maternal instincts riled up. Poor boy, I thought. I patted him on the head and he took a step away from me. He was shy.

I was glad I went to see the principal for him. It seemed like he trusted me more after the incident. I didn't even know why I was so keen on rescuing this poor soul. I was only there to play babysitter on the pretense of being a tutor. Maybe I took pity on Taka, that's why. It felt a little sad if I gave up on him too.

But I soon got a call from Mrs Moruichi thereafter, saying that she wished to terminate my service. It was already more than 6 months of time spent with Taka, I felt a little disappointed by the news. I was upset but kept my stand professional. I wished her all the best but couldn't stop thinking about it when she said the reason was because Taka was going overseas to study.

Alright, I'm never going to see that boy again, that's what I thought. And the next thing I need to do is to find another job. 

Two weeks after that, I spotted him loitering around the tuition centre I used to work at. Our eyes met and I knew he was looking for me. I went up to him, wanting to make small talk but his expression seemed heavy.

"You going overseas soon?"

"I don't want to go." he said firmly. "I'm not going."

His eyes darted around. 

It was already nine. I asked him to go home. He didn't say anything and shifted his feet.

"Do you need me to send you home?"

"No."

He looked down at his feet.

I had no idea what's with this boy.

"I like you."

"What?"

"I like you."

"Um... Takahiro, I..." My face was probably contorted trying hard to figure out the words to say. It was difficult to respond to a confession by a seventeen year old boy. I didn't know the right words to say without hurting him or giving him the wrong idea. While I was battling between my emotions and logic, Taka interrupted my turmoil and said, "I'm kidding."

"What?"

"I'm kidding! I want to go for ramen! You're paying!"

He walked off in a huff. What a difficult child! I followed him, walking at the back. 

I was dealing with a chaotic mess in my mind. I'm kidding? What did he mean by that? From my instincts, I knew he was lying to get himself out of the awkward situation. Maybe he just wanted to say it before he goes overseas...

I didn't know if Taka was serious or just playing a prank on me for the last time.

We went for ramen. I didn't have appetite, my stomach was still flipping from Taka's bomb of a confession or prank, I have no idea what.

I walked him to the subway station. I didn't have any courage to send him all the way home. My nerves were everywhere.

"Alright. Goodbye Takahiro. Be good for now."

I waved at him and he just stared expressionless with a subtle frown on his face. I was scared he was going to do something out of the line again.

But he did. He leaned forward and planted a kiss on the corner of my lips, really hard like he needed to make sure it couldn't be mistaken for something else.

He tapped his card and disappeared into the station amongst the crowd.

I stood there for a few minutes before leaving for the bus station.

I cried on the bus. I don't know why but I felt sadness, anger and happiness at the same time. Taka taught me what was bittersweet. It was unexplainable.

I didn't get myself either. He was just a stupid kid.

I thought that was going to be the last time I saw him until a few years later I bumped into him in Asakusa. That was the last time I saw him, the time when I finally saw him smile easily. That time he was already in ONE OK ROCK and had some fame. I don't think he was reminded of that day unlike myself. I bet he must have already moved on. I was just a passing chapter in his youth, a part of some stupid thing he did when he was young. I'm insignificant.

Yes, I'm a salty. Give me back my sentimental tears, you little brat.

Oh, and I found out he didn't go overseas at all. 

ONE OK ROCK's poster is staring right back at me. I check the calendar on my phone.

I wonder if I could still get tickets.