in which bad sarcasm is chaotic

it takes a lot of time for kang seulgi to decide on the kind of delectable she's going to make. 
 

it doesn't take long for her to completely up.

"-but i swear it said to put one cup of oil in it!" she protests loudly, as someone emits a sigh from her phone speaker. "it specifically - oh ity , it's looking really oily..."

"no, seulgi, i'm pretty goddamn sure it was supposed to be one third," says the person on the receiving end, her tone weary and exasperated. "well, the damage is done, so just make a new batch or something."

seulgi groans. "but wen, i worked so hard on this."

"well, you could give yoongi strawberry flavored, oil-ridden, cancerous brownies, which is not my problem - but it could be for you, if you know what i mean."
 

"wow, kid, you're so supportive," the other girl notes sarcastically. her friend snorts with equal ardor.

"thanks. and isn't it about time you checked the oven?"

a dramatic gasp escapes from seulgi's lips, and she dashes to the oven. thankfully, the brownies aren't burnt - or at least, they don't smell like they are. "they're not burning, thank god's saggy left-"

"don't finish that sentence," wendy interjects, her tone showing all the disgust in the world. "try them. are they edible?"

"you know, it's really nice of you to choose the word edible instead of good," mutters seulgi. still, she admits there's enough to her friend's reasoning. holding a knife, she cuts the baked good - and sighs in relief as its division is clean. she declares, "it's safe." 

wendy exhales. "thank the gods. does it taste as it looks? or at least as it should?"

"i haven't tried it yet," seulgi responds as she slices a piece. she tries to remove the slice, but it's stuck to the bowl as if there's some kind of magnetic attraction between them. "wait-" she digs the bottom of the bowl in a vain attempt to free the brownie piece. "it's stuck, what the-"
 

the only answer her best friend offers is a long, painful silence. "don't tell me you didn't-"

"KONNICHIWA ES," someone shouts loudly from the living room, as the front door shuts (god, she probably forgot to lock the stupid thing.) seulgi turns to squint towards the entrance. it's sehun - her next-door neighbor since sixth grade slash self entitled homie - and she groans. loudly. 

"don't look so excited to see me," the boy declares pompously, while seulgi merely pinches her nose bridge. 
 

"boy alert," she whispers to wendy, who guffaws in response. sehun stares at her with an indignant expression, but he recovers quick enough. instead, he sniffs the air, his eyes lighting up upon witnessing the pan of fluffy goodness in her hands. "damn," he whistles. "what's baking?"

"pot brownies," seulgi replies. her tone is so dull and nonchalant that she almost believes it herself. wendy's howls increase.

"oh, cool beans. save a few for me." the girl doesn't know whether he's kidding or not, but she still nods. "that's wendy you're talking to, right?" he inquires, nodding towards her phone. 

"yeah, how'd you-"

sehun snorts. "dude, she's the only one you ever talk to, aka: your only friend. besides me, of course."

ouch, seulgi thinks. his words sting, but they're true - somewhat. " you," she snaps. "at least i don't beg people i don't know on snapchat to like my instagram posts."

the boy looks incredibly affronted, placing one hand over his chest in mock disappointment. "i don't beg, i promote! besides, what's the point of having so many snapchat friends if you're not going to use it for the greater good?
 

seulgi doubts that snapping the school janitor for an instagram like is far from the greater good, but this is sehun we're talking about, so she knows this is just an abnormal normality. "you're such an attention ."
 

"i'm not a for attention, i'm a for an appreciated lifestyle."
 

"yeah, yeah, whatever you say. tell that to me again when your 8th grade halloween photos are leaked," seulgi responds offhandedly (ignoring sehun's vehement "".)

"leave it to sehun the to plot his own demise," wendy snickers, not yet recovering from her laughing fit. "you have my condolences, sehun oh. i'll be sprinkling salt at your funeral."
 

" you, wenson."

"okay, un, i told you not to call me that-"

"you know," seulgi interrupts irritably. "i might as well hand my damn phone to sehun, because if you two are going to scream at each other you might as well do it in the closest proximity." that seems to shut them up for a while. sometimes, seulgi really thinks she needs better friends.

"what's the occasion anyway?" sehun asks, nodding towards the disappointing batch of brownies in her hands. 

"just for someone," the girl responds. she tries to avoid the queer look he's sending her way, and instead focuses on oiling a new pan, so she can make a new batch with the remaining batter.

"oh jesus, don't even try being secretive, you're so goddamn obvious," sehun guffaws. "of course it has to be yoongi. if not, it's probably for that guy on the basketball team."
 

she looks up, confused. "what guy- oh. oh my god," the ire in her eyes is enough to make her friend cower slightly. "jesus christ, we are not talking about that."
 

"talking about what?" wendy voices - but then she pauses with realization. "oh , sehun, you mean her date with jongin?"

"hey, wendy," seulgi says dangerously. "now would be a really great time for you to shut your trap."

sehun ignores her. "poor jongin, honestly," he shakes his head. "he got used, not even knowing your ulterior motives."

"okay, first of all, he's in my physics class, and he needed a date for the movie night since soojung broke up with him and . and second of all, i didn't want to do it-"

"-but yoongi was invited to the party, and you just had to go, because dark rooms are just the perfect, y romantic settings," wendy narrates dramatically. 
 

"-right!" seulgi responds with false happiness, having already thought of a thousand different ways to torture her friend. "jongin invited me in the first place to make soojung jealous. he had his motives too. the only difference is that he was open with them, while i wasn't-"

"wait, that was why soojung punched you in the face like a month ago?" sehun interjects, looking fascinated. "christ, catfights are hardcore."

"she apologized. we're actually good friends now, for your information," the girl retorts. 

"my argument still stands."
 

"kind of a shame though," wendy sighs, and seulgi swears she can imagine her friend's disapproving look from miles away. "you could've snagged him if you dazzled him well at that party. a heartbroken man just needs proper guidance."

"and make myself the public enemy? no thanks," seulgi deadpans. "soojung's clique rules with an iron fist, you know. plus, did you forget i already like someone else?"
 

"why do you like yoongi so much anyway? i mean, no offense, he's a great guy, but i just don't see the appeal you're talking about." 

seulgi emits a noise of disgust and awe. "you've got to be kidding me. jesus, he's the archangel reincarnated." she thinks of his blinding smile - the way his eyes curve into small crescents when he does, the quirk of his lips - and his constantly changing hair colors - which he never fails to pull off perfectly. his latest hair color is a shade of light green - almost mint, with yellow hues. "and he likes star wars. anyone who likes star wars has to be a decent, if not superior, human being."

"thanks for calling me inferior," sehun grumbles.
 

"you like star ing trek. you're an abomination."

"okay kids, we're not doing this again," wendy intervenes almost instantly. "why don't we talk about something nice and relatable, like how hot the basketball team guys are?"

seulgi can see sehun rolling his eyes in disgust from a corner of her vision. "objection, your honor, they smell like and make a hobby out of thinking with their , not their brains."
 

"you know, wen, with the number of times you bring up the basketball team and how hot they are, one would expect you to have already hooked up with any one of them for at least once."
 

"oh, i haven't worked my magic yet," the girl trills. "but really, they're just eye candy. the actual hook-up part i'm not interested in. "

"you could try kim seokjin," sehun suggests. "half of the school population thirsts over him because he's captain, i'm pretty sure they have a damn club dedicated to making hook-up strategies with him in mind."

"well, too bad he has my nudes," seulgi responds sarcastically.

there's a beat of silence, until the oven dings, signaling that the brownies are done - simultaneously, wendy yells into the phone: " what". unfortunately, this goes unnoticed by seulgi, who's preoccupied with taking out her finished brownies.

"mhm, a whole bunch, new and hot," she hums as she takes the pan out, looking at the rather satisfactory pink-and-brown goodness she has in her hands. "wouldn't be surprised if he'd be dying to get some more of this, i swear."

"oh my god, wait, kang seulgi, the fu-?"

"talk to you later, wen, gotta take a picture of this," seulgi responds cheerily, ending the call despite the horrified protests of her friend. she peers at her phone, searching for the best angle to snap a photo - oh yes, this is definitely going on her instagram feed tonight. "ha! and she said i was ed."

sehun looks at her with a long, painful silence. "what?" she snaps. 

"okay, a) i didn't know you wanted to seokjin, and b) i didn't know you had that in you. what the hell?" he squints at her, almost guffawing. "who are you and what did you do to kang seulgi?"

she narrows her eyes at him. "what in the world are you talking about?"

"you sent your nudes to kim seokjin?" sehun's almost choking with laughter. "did you snap them to him or something?"

"i was joking! couldn't you tell how ing sarcastic i was?"

his sniggers die as she speaks up. "oh. shame, because that would have been pretty in' funny. also, you're horrible at sarcasm."

"i am not, you're just horrible at understanding it."

"yeah, well, ask wendy, because it seems like she's thinking the same. she probably thinks you were for real."

seulgi rolls her eyes. "she's not you, you know. not everyone is an idiot like you are-"

"i resent that," sehun interrupts.

"-and people who pour milk before their cereal don't deserve an opinion on things."

"i don't like my cereal hogging all the milk! and i'm serious, i think wendy actually believes what you said, you should call her back or something."

 the girl waves his comment away. "i told you, not everyone is like you," she sighs listlessly as she cuts the brownies into perfect squares. "and even if she does believe it, i can just tell her tomorrow anyway. what's the difference, today or tomorrow?"

her friend shrugs. "alright, your call. but you need to give me at least one of those brownies."

" off, get your own girlfriend."

"but he's not your boyfriend."

"shut up."

seulgi swears she can feel practically everyone's eyes on her as she walks down the school hall to get to her locker the next morning - are they whispering, too? no, it's just my imagination, she assures herself. 

that's when she sees a couple of girls and guys talking to each other. they stop conversing as she walks by, then resume their discussion in whispers instead. only they're not awfully good at the whispering thing, because seulgi can hear everything. 

"-yeah, that's her-"

"-who would've known, man-"

"-high school trope in movies achieved."

the hell does a movie trope have to do with me? she thinks irritably. it's a ing monday, i shouldn't be dealing with random bull. do i have '' tattooed on my face or something?

she checks her handheld mirror. nope, clean.

"'sup," someone else says behind her. it's sehun, looking quite frazzled - his pink hair is unkempt and sticking up in several corners. 

"jesus, somebody looks like a show," seulgi comments. then she leans in to hiss, "why the hell is everyone staring at me?"
 

the boy glances around. "they are?"

"yes, they are," she whispers. "what the heck is going on?"

"dunno, maybe people like your outfit."

she stares at him, unamused. "i'm wearing a ratty old jets hoodie and jersey pants."

"well, casual comfort is the new style."

the two arrive at their lockers to see wendy sorting her own textbooks into her bag (it's odd how the school assigned them consecutive locker numbers.) "wen, listen," the girl looks up, eyes questioning. "why the is everyone staring at me?"

wendy frowns. "what do you mean?" she surveys their surroundings, and sees other students staring at them somewhat indiscreetly. "how the hell am i supposed to know? erm, maybe your nudes got leaked?"

seulgi doesn't know if she's joking or not. "what the hell are you talking about? there are no nudes, remember?"

her friend gives her a , what the do you mean kind of face. "you told me yesterday that you sent your nudes to kim seokjin, don't tell me you're getting early memory loss."

"it was a ing joke! of course i didn't do it for real, i was being sarcastic!" wendy's eyes widen at this, and parts into a small 'o'. 

"what did i tell you," sehun mutters beside them. seulgi shoots a deathly glare in his direction.

"okay, there are no nudes. we got that cleared up, but that still doesn't explain why everyone is looking at me like i'm the newest clown in the circus?" she pauses. "unless one of you told someone else about this." the girl sends a menacing look towards sehun (who shakes his head and does the in the name of the father, son and holy spirit gesture.) 

there's a silence before wendy nervously speaks up. "...i might have asked hoseok for confirmation."

"you what?" seulgi shrieks. "jung hoseok? what did you do that for? you know he can't keep his trap shut for -"

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry!" her friend cries, looking terribly apologetic. "i just wanted to check if anyone else knew about it, and hoseok is literally the only person i know who's close enough with seokjin- god, i'm so sorry, i ed up-"

"you-" seulgi takes in a deep breath. calm down. getting mad isn't going to solve anything. "-jesus christ, wen, if we weren't friends, i'd punch you in the face."

wendy nods miserably with guilt in her expression. "no, i understand, i just asked hoseok if seokjin ever talked about getting intimate with you, he said no, so i just thought he'd forget about it - i'm a , i'm sorry."

"no, it's fine," seulgi says slowly. "it's a rumor, so we can debunk it by getting to seokjin himself. but you owe me fifty ice cream sandwiches, and an warrant to break hoseok's nose."

"deal."

"ah, a compromise," sehun remarks solemnly. "there's a reason you'd be good at politics."
 

"sehun, i swear to god, if you don't shut the up-"

"uh, is everything okay here?"

oh god. seulgi turns to her left, to see yoongi's concerned eyes staring into hers. he looks so gorgeous in a denim jacket and black jeans; the look really should be illegal on him. next to her, sehun whistles, while wendy grins wickedly.

he doesn't know about it, right? she stares at yoongi, but he merely blinks back confusedly. good. good. he can't know about this, no. it's just a rumor, but hell, she'd rather die than let him hear of it. "oh," she breathes, a nervous smile tugging on her lips. "hey...yoongi. yeah, we're alright." smooth, seulgi, real smooth. 
 

"you sure? seemed pretty intense, from the looks of it," he shrugs and smiles. "but if you say so, then i believe you." sehun and wendy take this moment to excuse themselves, leaving the two alone. 

"it's just sehun and his big mouth," the boy chuckles at her grumbling, and seulgi swears her heart is fluttering at an abnormal rate. "you need something though?" she asks, rather hopeful.

"oh yeah, i was actually wondering if you were up for filling in taemin's spot as guitarist in our band?" the girl blinks. "we have this gig next saturday, but he can't come, and you're the next best guitarist i know. no pressure, though," he adds quickly. "it's okay if you don't want to do it. but it would be awesome, if you could." he looks somewhat nervous, and seulgi feels like she's melting inside as what he said lingers in her ears. the next best guitarist i know...

"i'd love to, actually," she grins. "but when's practice?"

his brows furrow as he tries to remember his schedule off the top of his head, and it's just the most adorable thing seulgi's ever seen. "er, wednesdays and fridays, after school, at my house. is that okay for you? i mean, i can shift the schedules for you if you want."

the considerate offer makes her smile even more. "nope, i'm fine with it. i don't know where you live, though..."

"oh, that's not a problem," he laughs. "i can just pick you up when class is over, we can drive over in my car, you and me."

driving over? alone? seulgi hates acting like a lovestruck teenager, but it's hard not to swoon, and kang seulgi does not swoon. still, she suppresses the urge. "that sounds great!" why does my laugh have to sound so fake, she curses herself silently.

just then, the pre-bell for first period rings. "ugh, i'd love to talk more, but i have ap music theory, and the teacher hates it when we're late. so," he tilts his head in a playful way, a half-smile gracing his lips. "see you around?"

"definitely," seulgi utters as he walks off, despite feeling personally attacked by that dazzling grin. jesus, why does he have to be so gorgeous? she almost forgets about the fact that she has ap comparative governments first period, and that she has a bad joke problem at hand - until her cell buzzes with a message, that is. 

wandy: sEUL

wandy: i overheard yixing talking about seokjin's reaction

wandy: apparently seokjin confirmed the rumors???????

she drops her phone. 

what the ?

--

a/n: okay i officially have no idea where this story is going i just wrote as my hands took me i'm so shooketh wow i'm ashamed i need to go to my thinking corner
also wendyxseulgixsehun is the amazing trio here golden af