Sunrise never failed to wake me up everyday. The sun's morning rays are peeking through the holes of my white tied-up window curtains. As it sways with the wind, I would have a glance of a man about my age, sitting with his pencils and papers, and occasionally looking up at the sun rather intently. I always get worried about him staring directly like that so I'll walk towards my window and warn him about it from my room at third floor, wishing he heard me from across the building's fourth floor. Sometimes I would also warn him how dangerous it was to sit at the edge of his terrace, but he would just smile at me. Half glad that he heard me but I'm still worried he didn't move back at least a bit. 

 

Every nine o'clock, a woman would knock on my door and talk to me for minutes. She talks gently, and she is nice. She would clean my bed sometimes and ask me about my day. I'm glad she understands me unlike the man on the fourth floor who'd just smile at me whenever I tried talking to him. His smiles are nice though. It felt warm. 

 

After having lunch, I would go outside my room and roam around our building to kill some time. We're not allowed to go outsude the building though. But that's fine, our building is full of things to keep me distracted. I spend at least an hour outside then head back to my room, wishing that the man will be back on his terrace so I could see his warm smile. He always made me smile. Like the sun that shines bright, his smiles are also bright. So I decided to call him Mr. Sun. Mr. Sun who stays up through the morning on his terrace just to see and admire the sun. But I've always wonder what's he doing on his papers. 

 

I get to see Mr. Sun everyday except when it's rainy. He never gets out of his room during rainy days. He must've hated the rain because he couldn't get to see the sun. When the sun is back, he's always there. With his papers and pencils, and that bright smile of his. 

 

One day, he's on his usual spot and I'm at my window looking up on him. But there's something strange, it's windy. His papers flew because of the wind. I saw the horror on his face and his expression became darker. I got worried that I suddenly got up and sprint outside my room and downstairs to help him get his papers back. I know he can't last a day without it and his smiles would be gone. I don't want that to happen. Just when I was about to get near the building's main door, two men stopped me and that woman was with them. They asked where I was going but I'm in a hurry that I refused to answer them. I tried to get pass them but before I reach the door, everything went dark. 

 

I woke up on my bed with a headache the next morning. I looked around and everything is very bright. The walls and my things are all white, I just noticed it all now. Was white my favorite color? The curtain swayed sideways and I remembered Mr. Sun and his papers. I immediately walked towards my window and looked up for him. His smiles are back and so as his papers. I sighed with relief and thanked that woman, she must've been the one who helped him get his papers back when I fainted. A few moments of earning a bucket of courage, I tried to talk to him again. I wanted to ask how he's feeling. I wanted to hear his voice. It's almost nine and I'm nearly yelling at him but he wouldn't even look at my direction. The distance of this building from his aren't really that far. So I always assume he could hear me. That's what I think, at least. The door opened and the woman was back. She's asking me things again and I would answer like usual. Then I asked her about the papers of the man from across the building. I'd pester her about the man across my building sometimes. Usually she'd just shrug and leave but today she deeply sighed and faced me like she's finally done with me asking her the same question. With full curiosity, I smiled at her, anticipating her answer. 

 

"There's no building across ours, Chanyeol." 

 

My face went blank and all I feel was confusion. I frowned at her and chuckled a little bit. What is she saying? I can clearly see the building from here. It's white. And I can also clearly see Mr. Sun. Can't she see what I'm seeing? Or was she just lying? I'm not too sure anymore that I started laughing. 

 

She turned her back on me, went out of my room. She left me laughing. The woman must be playing with me. I calmed down and looked out of my window again. After a while, she came back. And she's brought something with her. A photo album. With a solemn and as if she felt so sorry face, she placed it on my bed and left my room again. She never came back. Everything she did today made me so confused. I grabbed the photo album and opened it. Photos of Mr. Sun are in it. He's smiling in every picture, I smiled while looking at it. My smile faded when I saw a certain picture. It was Mr. Sun and he's with a man. My heart started racing and there's a sudden pain in my head. I don't understand. Why is this happening? Why is Mr. Sun smiling so brightly and standing beside this man?

 

And why is this man looked so much like...

 

....me? 

 

My breathes became heavy that I find in hard to breathe and my head is so light. Suddenly I felt hot tears rolling down my cheeks and I dropped the photo album. I can't breathe. Why? What's happening? My heart ached so much that I held my chest so tight and dropped on the floor. I cried so hard as flashes of memories came back. I cried and cried and everything hurts. The door opened and I can't clearly see who went in. 

 

Everything hurts. And I'm going insane all over again. 

 

 

 

 

 

一一

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyday Chanyeol blamed himself since that day. He blamed himself for everything that had happened. Byun Baekhyun was an artist whom he fell inlove with. They met while admiring the sunrise one day and eventually fell inlove with each other. Being the great artist Baekhyun was, he could sketch or paint different kinds of sunrise and Chanyeol loved it. Every single art is a masterpiece. When they decided to live together, they picked an apartment and room which had the best view of sunrise in Seoul. They settled in a room with a terrace at the fourth floor. At the terrace, they would sit side by side, watching the sun rise every morning. Baekhyun has a habit of sketching it in any art form he liked. And Chanyeol would hang it on their wall. Then everything would feel warm all day for them.

Until one day, Baekhyun went out of the terrace alone while Chanyeol was still making their breakfast that morning. Knowing Chanyeol and his love for surprises, Baekhyun planned one. He wanted to draw Chanyeol's portrait for a surprise. Chanyeol was clueless about Baekhyun's plan while he hums happily to their song. A moment later, he heard a woman's scream from outside and somewhere near. He got curious and wondered where that shattered sound came from. He stopped cooking for a bit and called for Baekhyun, asking what's the commotion outside was about. Baekhyun didn't answer. He started getting nervous. He looked for Baekhyun at their room but he's not there. 

 

Terrace, he might be in the terrace. Chanyeol immediately went to the terrace but to his surprise, Baekhyun was not there. He only saw a circling pencil on the floor and a missing pot of plant he was growing. The wind was acting strange, it felt cold against Chanyeol's skin and it makes his heart race for some reason. The commotion got louder from below. Chanyeol looked down from their terrace and there he saw the love of his life. Sprawled out on the ground, with papers, and blood and his pot of plant, now broken. He couldn't believe what he was seeing and decided to walk away from the terrace. Not sure if he's ready to accept what he just saw, he stumbled on his feet and fell on the floor. Chanyeol started crying. 

Some witness from across the building stated that Baekhyun tried to catch the paper when it flew with the wind but unfortunately he had slipped, lose balance and fell from the fourth floor. Chanyeol was absent-minded when he heard the witness's statement. He just couldn't grasp what just happened and still refuses to accept it. Though there's only one thing on his mind since he saw Baekhyun's lifeless body on the ground.

 

It's his fault. Everything was. Maybe if he hadn't made breakfast, he'd be with Baekhyun at that time. Maybe if he hadn't loved sunrise, Baekhyun wouldn't come up to the terrace to sketch it for him every morning. Maybe if he hadn't like surprises, Baekhyun wouldn't plan one. Maybe if Baekhyun hadn't loved Chanyeol that much, he wouldn't sketch his face. Maybe if there's no sunrise for them to admire, things might've turned differently from Chanyeol's awful reality now. Maybe he's dreaming. And maybe laughing would make him feel better. 

 

 

 

 

 

一一

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure if I'm dead. All I see is white from the moment I wake up. Everything is white, the walls, the door, but there's no windows, no fourth floor, no curtains, the woman was not here, no photo album. There's only me and this white bed. But I'm guessing I'm not yet dead because everything still hurts and i find it funny that I'm still not dead from all the pain. My heart, my head. Baekhyun is gone. Because of me. Tears rolled out like waterfall on my cheeks again and every pain is coming back once again.

 

There's only one thing I am thankful for that its presence wasn't present, that made me half glad and laugh for the rest of my worthless life here in this asylum...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There will be no more sunrise. 

Maybe that's worth laughing for.