I don't know if Life is just messing with me or it hates my whole existence. Though my life in the society is okay. You know, having parents with stable jobs, having a sister who is so caring and friends that loves me. But even having all of these, I'm still dead inside. I guess this is what I'll get when you'll just bottle everything up. Growing on a house that will only take your words lightly I guess it was ingraved in my mentality to just shut up and move on. During those times, I always think that these will just pass by but little did I know those feelings and problems is eating up everything leaving no happiness inside. At first I thought I was just being lazy and just get on with it. I remember I was still on high school. But as time goes by, I realized me being lazy is actually a reaction of my tired mind. My mind is just so full of negativity that it even takes away my energy and even my social life. I've been locking myself in my own room afraid that my family will see me crying my balls out without reasons. I'm unhappy. I'm unmotivated. And that affects everything about me. This goes for how many years and I'm failing as a good and smart daughter. That triggers my depression to worst. It gets worst that I just want to die instead of having this feeling. At first I was just digging my nails on my wrist to feel pain. Everytime I'm depress, I am always looking for pain to soothe my mind. As time goes by, I'm not contented with the pain Im feeling with my nails so I looked for any sharp objects around me and used it to slit my wrist. It's funny actually, when I try to slit my wrist I'm being careful not to cut deeply, afraid that if I do and bleed all over the bathroom, my family will know. I don't want them to know. I know I should let them know but I don't want to. I don't want them to feel burden and dissappointed about what's happening in me. And I don't even know how they will react on finding that their daughter who is smart, who has a lot of friends, talented and always happy is deppresed, has anxiety and having suicidal thoughts. Haha. Well, I guess thats just how my life is. Along with my depression comes my aloofness to people. When I'm depressed I don't want anyone near me. I don't want peoples' advice. I don't want someone who will tell me that everything will be alright coz I know it won't be. I just want to be alone and quietly find reasons for me to hold on and realize my worth. For 4 years, that's how I lived my life. Outside I'll be as happy as a sunshine like their's nothing wrong. It comes naturally, developed as a defense mechanism of my fear on people knowing. Sometimes, I can't tell if I'm being genuine on my happiness coz Im so used on faking it for a long time now. Im getting tired actually, I was on the edge and all I need is a little push and everything will be gone. 

But then, I discovered a rapper with a very interesting song. I'm not really into raps but he got me hooked into him that I forgot my depression, anxiety and my suicidal thoughts. His music are beautifully crafted , his voice is just heavenly amazing. The main reason I got so hooked up to him is his lyrics. He talks about his own experience and how he battles depression. The first thing that I felt from the time I heard his lyrics is understanding. I felt understood and that made me cry for hours. I listened to every songs on his mixtape. Every songs touched my heart in every possible ways giving me feelings that I didn't felt for years. From then on I lived my life for the better with his music and his group. I actually figured out he is part of a group that I eventually love as well. The thing about thei