'In the end, wealth is only a fact of life that I am accustomed to.'

 

Though most of the Korean entertainment world knows about my wealthy background, the question still comes up in question from time to time. The last time this happened, EXO-K were guests on yet another panel show, one we hadn't been on before. As the host asked me about my wealth, I simply smiled and brushed it off. EXO had been around for a long time, we were all pretty well off, it wasn't just me anymore.

Though this may be the case, however, the members still came to me if they were ever short of money. Later on though, that became a rare occasion. I explained that Chanyeol often paid for things when we went on outings. Channie laughed as I made a joke about people only liking him for his credit card. That used to be my role.

"Do the members ever come to you for anything other than money, Suho?" The host had asked.

I replied, telling him that the members usually came to me if they needed something. Usually, if they needed to ask our managers something, they would ask me first. I'd then pass on the request or question to the managers and feed it back to the members once an answer was given. Even that began to seem like a distant memory soon enough.

"Sometimes in the dorm, it's as if I don't exist anymore." I wanted to say. But I didn't. I didn't because it wasn't my job to complain. As the leader, it was my job to come up with solutions.

During the last stage of our world tour was when things started to go wrong. Overdose was our final number, everyone was exhausted but pushed through nonetheless. But something wasn't right. My chest suddenly tightened towards the end of the song, I could hardly breathe, my legs were shaking. Hiding the pain was hard, but I kept going. I didn't want to worry the fans or the members.

However, as the song came to an end, air was struggling to reach my lungs. I wasn't taking in enough air; I physically couldn't. I felt myself becoming light-headed, and so I made the decision. It was either collapse onstage and worry everybody in the arena, or excuse myself and collapse in the safety of the medical staff backstage. Choosing the latter, I gave Minseok a pained look before heading off, just before the lights came back to full brightness. Minseok didn't question it, he just nodded to me before I left the stage.

The second I was out of sight, I collapsed. Medical staff swarmed me as I gasped for air. I remember one member of staff lifting me into his arms before being carried to a nearby sofa, where another member of staff pulled an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth. I lay there for what seemed like hours before my breathing returned to normal. The other members of EXO were ushered back into the dressing room after they had finished their goodbyes. Our manager had told them to give me space, to which I can only presume they all agreed to, as I didn't see the members again until we were heading back to the dorm.

 

'At this moment, lying on the sick bed and recalling my whole life, I realize that all the recognition and wealth that I took so much pride in, have paled and become meaningless in the face of impending death.'

 

The following day came and it was as if nothing had happened. I felt perfectly fine, if not a little tired. Dance practice came by and everything was normal. The incident I had the day before was put down to exhaustion by the medical team, but that didn't mean I could miss practice. Everyone else was just as exhausted, so we all had to deal with it.

The last thing I remember from that practice is my vision suddenly going blurry and the horrified screams of Baekhyun and Kai as I fell to the ground.

I woke up at the hospital. It was like a typical drama; the male lead having an accident and then waking up in a hospital with heart monitors attached to your body and an oxygen mask pulled over your face. I probably looked ridiculous, but idol image was the least of my worries.

There are probably a lot of words you don't want to hear in the same sentence at any point in your life.

'You have multiple tumours' and 'even if we remove them, it won't lengthen your life by much' were on my list of words I didn't want to hear.

 

'In the darkness, I look at the green lights from the life-supporting machines and hear the humming mechanical sounds, I can feel the breath of God of death drawing closer…'

 

The hospital gown was itchy, and being hooked up to several different machines that hummed constantly wasn't the most pleasant of experiences. The outfits during the wolf era were more comfortable than that gown. I would've burned it if I'd had the energy to do so. I hadn't slept that night; the words of the doctor had kept me up most of the night. I couldn't help but question what I had done wrong. What had I done to deserve this?

Baekhyun, Jongin and Jongdae came by that night to see how I was doing. Because it was past visiting hours, only three of them could visit at a time. They had agreed to take it in turns, which I thought was nice. At least they could organise themselves without me.

"Hyung, our managers have suspended our schedules until further notice," Baekhyun told me. That wasn't what I wanted to hear.

I shook my head and told him, "Tell the managers that Minseok can be the leader. Chanyeol can help him if needs be."

Shortly after the three of them left, I managed to fall asleep. However, my sleep was filled with nightmares. Staying awake seemed to be easier, and seemed to be the better option. Lack of sleep was draining me.

 

'Love can travel a thousand miles. Life has no limit. Go where you want to go. Reach the height you want to reach. It is all in your heart and in your hands.'

 

It wasn't long before the news of Kris, Luhan and Tao landing in Korea reached me. I hadn't seen any of them in quite a few years, so hearing that they were in Korea surprised me. They were probably there to film a new music video or drama, nothing new really.

The three of them had done well for themselves since leaving EXO. Though it pained us all to see them go, I was happy for their success. That didn't mean they weren't on my mind a lot. I always thought about Kris. I thought about him at least once a day.

He was a leader, just like me. And if he were still here, he could've lead EXO during their schedules. I know there were eight other members that could've taken my place as leader, but being the leader was a huge responsibility and a very difficult position. I wasn't sure if any of the others could handle it. Choosing Minseok as my successor made the most sense in my mind; he was calm, collected, and the oldest of the group. But he was quiet, that's why I wanted Chanyeol to help. They could lead together.

That night I was surprised to see Xiumin walking in with a bouquet of flowers. I was even more surprised to find out that they weren't from him or any of the other members. They had just been left in the dorm with a card attached that was addressed to me.

 

'What is the most expensive bed in the world? Sickbed…'

 

The longer I stayed in the hospital, the larger my hospital bill became. However, I knew money wasn't an issue. Everyone knew money wasn't an issue when it came to Kim Junmyeon. I suppose being short on cash was one weight I never had to endure.

All of the members stopped by to visit me that night; all except Chanyeol and Minseok.

"They had a fight. Minseok stormed out and Chanyeol went to find him." Jongin explained.

After hearing that, I was upset. That was the last thing I wanted to happen. I didn't want my members to fight. So when everyone else left, Minseok and Chanyeol decided to visit me. They felt awful for worrying me. I told them that whatever differences they had discovered, they should talk it out and not fight about it. They needed to act as one like they always had. They left that night with their arms wrapped around each other. We were all brothers. We were family. We were going to fight from time to time, but knowing when to apologise was the first step of being a team player.

 

'You can employ someone to drive the car for you, make money for you but you cannot have someone to bear the sickness for you.'

 

You don't realise how much you miss someone until they walk back into your life. Waking up one day to find the former leader of EXO-M asleep at my bedside was one of the biggest shocks of my life.

Kris was the last person I expected to see that morning. He hadn't changed that much since the last time I'd seen him. His hair was shorter, back to its natural colour, but it was still a considerable length. His head was resting atop his left arm, while his right hand was loosely clasping mine. I thought I was dreaming; that I hadn't actually woken up and I was still fast asleep. I hadn't realised I had begun to cry until a large hand was wiping away my tears.

Big brown eyes stared at me sympathetically. Kris' face was the same as I remembered; full lips, serious eyebrows that always made him look angry. But the one thing that had changed, was the sparkle in his eyes. They no longer held the regret of leaving the group but held the regret of leaving me to lead the group alone.

"I'm sorry." Was all he said before he wrapped his long arms around me gently. I weakly embraced him, resting my head on his shoulder and rubbing my cheek against his neck. I'd missed him.

When two more figures entered the room, I couldn't believe my eyes. Luhan and Tao. They were there. They were all there. I didn't say anything, but I welcomed them into a group hug. It then occurred to me that the flowers were from Kris. They had all flown to Korea just to see me.

 

'Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost – Life.'

 

A few weeks after the trio returned, my condition had worsened. My organs were beginning to fail. Visits from the members increased because of this. As much as I appreciated the company, I hated them seeing me like this. Seeing their leader so weak and helpless.

When every member of EXO came to visit, they brought along three old faces as well. They told me that the trio had rejoined the group, apologising to the company and requesting that they get back to working with EXO as soon as possible. I was overjoyed to hear this. We would be twelve members once more.

"Kris hyung has been appointed as the leader," Sehun told me. That was exactly what I had expected to happen. Kris was a great leader, and I knew he would lead the members well.

"We have new schedules now," Kyungsoo explained.

They were going to work again. They were going to perform again. My members would perform for our fans once more. But they would do so with a new leader. EXO would perform as eleven. It dawned on me that I was no longer a member of the group.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

 

'When a person goes into the operating room, he will realize that there is one book that he has yet to finish reading – Book of Healthy Life.'

 

Midway through EXO's world tour, the doctors told me that I could have an operation to remove the tumours. They said that it would lengthen my life by up to eight months, but removing one of them could potentially make me go blind.

I refused. Life wasn't worth living for another eight months if it meant I couldn't see my members again. The doctors tried to reason with me, but they eventually gave up. They couldn't force me to have the operation.

My time was almost up.

 

'Whichever stage in life we are at right now, with time, we will face the day when the curtain comes down.'

 

"I want to see them perform," I said for the seventh time in conversation.

The doctors were refusing to let me see EXO perform. They told me I was too weak to leave the hospital. I didn't care, I wanted to see them perform as eleven again, even if it meant being carried there on a stretcher.

It felt like I'd been arguing with them for hours before the managers turned up. They told me that EXO were outside and that they wanted to perform for me.

Being wheeled outside in a wheelchair was humiliating, but that didn't matter. Passing through the doors and seeing EXO standing in formation, all I could do was smile. No matter how sick I looked, they never mentioned it. They all smiled back before the music began to play. Seeing Kris, Tao and Luhan performing with them once again was the greatest gift they could've given me.

Tears rolled down my face as I watched what was the last performance I would ever see. In that moment I was proud. I was incredibly proud of them for performing with such precision despite the situation.

I was a very proud guardian.

 

'Treasure Love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends.'

 

 

You never really think about the day you're going to die. It's not something that most people think about. Living life is what is important. So when the day comes to pass on to the other side, it hits you like a brick wall.

I hated seeing my members cry. It was heartbreaking seeing them so upset, streams of tears rolling down their faces as they surrounded my sick bed. I didn't want to say goodbye. I hadn't even reached my thirties and my life was being cut short by an illness nobody could prevent.

"I'm proud of you a,l." I said. "Promise me you'll continue to live your lives to the full. Promise me you'll smile, especially for our fans, friends, families. Don't let anything stop you from achieving big things. I know you can do it. We are one. EXO I love you. I'm glad we could all be together again. Thank you."

As I took my last breath, I was happy, knowing that I passed on surrounded by my most cherished loved ones.

'Treat yourself well. Cherish others.'

The news of Suho's passing hit the fandom hard. Tributes and memorials were plentiful, and the remaining eleven members of EXO could not be more grateful for their condolences. Standing on stage without Suho was hard on everyone, but they all agreed that they would stay strong no matter what. It's what he would have wanted.

---

Sorry not sorry.