From Taeyeon to Jessica:

Four years have passed since I last talked to Jessica.

If I think about our relationship, it was never easy.

At first of course it was easy, we became friends immediately. The problem was (is) that I didn’t just see her as a friend, I slowly fell for her.

I admitted to myself that I love her the day we made our debut presentation, through the whole song all I could think was about her. I obviously kept those feelings to myself, that was the best option.

The issue was that someway, fans could tell. Most people called the fans delusional, but they were (are) so right. The little group of fans slowly grew, to the point they were bigger than Taeny shippers. I became afraid.

My first reaction was to avoid Jessica. The worst reaction, I know, but I was still young and insecure about everything, and the fact that I’m bad at sharing my feelings didn’t help at all. Therefore, I decided to hide, and elude my problems, which was Jessica. I was so subtle about it that she didn’t notice, until it was too late. I remember she tried sometimes to talk to me, but I cruelly ignored her. That was the best option, I thought.

In conclusion, our relationship got ruined because of me, even Jessica knew, but she never complained.

I avoided her for four years, until the Mr Mr era.

Why? Because after giving it so much thought, I realized how childish I was. I realized that I shouldn’t ruin our friendship just because I felt more for her.

I was no longer afraid of my feelings towards Jessica, that’s what made change my mind.

However, it took me some months to talk to her again. I didn’t know how to approach to someone that I have ignored for years without even giving them an explanation.

One day I just forced myself to do it.

I spoke to her about something so stupid. It was about my blue pillow, I told her lost it and I wondered if she has seen it. She obviously didn’t, because I never lost it, I just didn’t know what to talk about. Nevertheless, it worked, it only did because it was Jessica, anyone else wouldn’t have answered back.

That was a thing I couldn’t understand about Jessica, she never protested. I ignored her in front of people, even in front of our members, but she never once asked me why, she never confronted me, and when I decided I was going to acknowledge her presence, she just accepted it. Jessica was too understanding, even when she didn’t understand a single thing about me. She knew I had a reason of why I did everything I did, and she respected it. I find my reasons stupid, yet Jessica knowing there is no valid reason for ignoring your friend for years, she comprehends me and still considered me her friend through all that time.

All this makes me hate myself so much.

The day we got told she was leaving us, I couldn’t process anything besides the fact that she left us. I didn’t think about the fact that I did the same to her and worse, I didn’t think of her reasons, I just didn’t think. It wounded so much the fact that she left, that I lost myself in anger.

The worst was that I threw all that anger at Jessica.

She tried to explain me what happened, thinking about it now I understand her and don’t blame her, but at that moment I just couldn’t. It didn’t made sense to me that she decided to leave when we were fine, when I was so in love with her. I didn’t want to lose her again, and it angered me that it was her running away from me.

I said all those horrible things to her. She for the first time got angry at me, and told me what she truly felt.

I shout at her through the phone that she is ungrateful for just leaving us like that. I hear silence from the other line, I almost continue, but she starts shouting back at me.

“You say that?!” she starts, and it feels like a stab in my heart “Taeyeon, you ignored your member for four years, you didn’t give a crap about me, but one day, you decide that I’m back again. I didn’t ask you why afraid you might suddenly ignore me for our whole life, but I’m so exhausted, you exhaust me Taeyeon. Maybe, you are also a reason of why I’m leaving” she says, and I could feel the tears forming in my eyes, but another wave of anger hit me, and I shout back other horrible things.

I end the call.

When I end it, I realize what just happened. Now I cry, I cry my whole heart out because I lost her again. Once again, it was all my fault.

After that phone call, I fell into an hole of dark thoughts. I blamed myself for it, I still do, but I did in a way it was unhealthy. I didn’t eat, I refused to go out of my room, I didn’t let any member inside. I was rotting myself in my own room, and it felt right.

I should thank Hyoyeon who forced me out of that dark place.

“Taeyeon open that damn door or I’m going to open it!” I hear her shout as I lay on my bed. I continue staring at nothing as I hear the loud thumbs.

Suddenly the door opens. I look where the noise came, she didn’t break it, instead she used a clip or something like that.

“Taeyeon what the-, you lost so much weight” she says as she opens the curtains, I close my eyes as the sunlight hits my eyes. I honestly don’t know what day or time it is, my phone died a week ago (or more) and I haven’t charged it.

“You need-” and she stops as she stares at me, I could see the worry in her eyes, I don’t like it, so I avert my eyes. “First, to drink some water, then eat, and finally, we must talk” when she finishes talking she walks to the bathroom to get me a glass of water. She sits on the edge of the bed and gives me the glass, I drink almost all o