What’s it like to be in love you say? I wouldn’t know because I still haven’t seen the world and experienced enough yet. From what I heard, love is something magical, love is when everything around you seems so much brighter than it already is; the yellow of the sunflower and the blue of the sky, everything is suddenly more intense. Love is apparently also something that makes you all warm and fuzzy inside, like drinking a cup of warm hot chocolate, snuggled up in your warm blankets on a rainy day. Love is also apparently something that makes you dizzy, weak in your knees, bringing constant smiles on your face, even when you have nothing to smile about. Did I feel any of that when I saw him? I wouldn’t say that. But if you ask me how exactly I felt when I saw Jungkook that day, I would say that yes, it did feel like finally I may have met the person who will make my mornings delightful and my days more meaningful.

Jungkook had been that ray of sunshine that came into my life when I was feeling lonely. My parents had just divorced and as a 21 year old adult, I was left with the responsibility of taking care of my 2 younger siblings while my parents moved on to greener pastures. Don’t think I was sad or anything, I was actually happy that my parents had taken the step to find their own happiness but it still hurt knowing that my family would never be whole again. I had the support of my bestest bro, Park Jimin, who stayed with me thoughout my toughest times and helped me out as much as possible (renting me a room in his apartment when I was kicked out of my house was just one of the many sweet things he did for me). It was good to know I had someone to rely on as a platonic soulmate during my tough times but really after being a hopeless romantic for the entirety of my life, I still yearned for my Juliet. It was getting silly actually that I placed so much emphasis on my so-called future romance to the point that my poor best friend had to suffer through listening to my depressing self as I waited on for my prospective love.

So as I was saying, Jungkook came at a time when I really was desperate for love. The new transfer student from Busan had walked into my Chemistry class that day. He had looked very shy then, with his head bent down and a large hoodie that did shame to the possibly (surely, definitely) lithe figure under it. He had looked so small, innocent and adorable, that it had made me believe that love at first sight was in fact an actual thing. He had mumbled his name to our Chemistry teacher (a too-young-to-teach-us Kim Namjoon) in his melodic voice, a voice that made me fall deeper in love with him. Park Jimin, being my bro, and my best man had snickered and whispered to me, “I see that our Romeo has finally met his Juliet”.

I had finally mustered up the courage to talk to Jungkook one week into his transfer. I had walked into class to see that my bestest mate had abandoned our usual seat at the front of the class to sit beside his long time crush, Min Yoongi, the school’s resident bad boy, near the back. I had sent a glare over at Jimin, who had just raised his stupid (unfortunately perfect) eyebrow at me before he had turned his back (the audacity) at me, resuming his one sided conversation with a stuttering Yoongi. It was cute how flustered the school’s most notorious troublemaker became when Jimin so much as looked at him. It was true that Jimin was the school’s sweetheart, what with his bright smile and an equally bright and loving heart. His kindness had been what had attracted Yoongi to him and had made the impossible happen, which was to get Yoongi to turn over a new leaf and attend every single (only Chemistry from what I heard) class.

Seeing that I had very limited options as most of the seats were already full, I had taken in a deep breath before making my way over to where Jungkook was sitting. I had stood awkwardly in front of his desk, biting my lower lip, before clearing my throat and finally blurting out,

“Hey anyone sitting beside you?”

Jungkook had looked up from his textbook to give me a dazed and confused look through his round glasses (and honestly I was really trying my best to not coo and pinch those adorable cheeks because ROUND GLASSES?!) before widening his eyes and staring as if I had just talked to him in English.

“Uh… if the seat is already taken then its alright I’ll just sit somewhere else it’s ok” I had muttered, hoping he could not hear the disappointment in my voice.

“No no no! The s-seat is n-not taken! S-sorry about the mess ya I’ll just clear up one sec…” Jungkook had exclaimed, before muttering under his breath and hastily trying to remove his materials to clear up a space for me to sit. I had smiled at how adorable he looked, scrambling like a cute bunny while trying his very best to not let the glasses drop from his face.

Once he had cleared up enough for me to take a seat, I had smiled at him and thanked him before getting ready for the class.

“I’m Taehyung by the way. Kim Taehyung. Nice to meet you Jungkook!” Oh great, now he is gonna think you are some creep stalking him and knowing his name before he introduces himself I remember thinking, while mentally slapping myself on my forehead.

Either Jungkook was still confused or he chose to ignore the fact that I already knew his name as he suddenly stood up and exclaimed “I’m Jungkook. J-Jeon Jungkook. N-N-Nice to m-meet you!” before bowing a full 90˚. To say I was shocked and endeared at the sudden explosive greeting would have been an understatement. I’m definitely getting Diabetes at the end of this I had thought before giving him my signature box-smile as a way to acknowledge his greeting.

From that day on Jungkook and I had become extremely close (much to the chagrin of Park Jimin), what with the fact that we shared a lot in common. He was still shy but was getting bolder and more open as the weeks passed by. I had introduced him to Jimin and the two of them had instantly clicked. It was fun watching Jungkook tease Jimin about his height and refuse to call him Hyung (forgot to tell you guys that Jungkook was 2 years younger than us but being the smart bunny he is he had managed to skip grades and join our class) because who would call someone who looked like a mochi ‘Hyung’? Jimin would go red in the face and the usual bickering would start again with him claiming that he was born in Busan first and that he had eaten 2130 bowls of rice more than Jungkook. I would just stare on in amusement as the two went back and forth until it ended predictably with Jungkook sliding up to me and pulling at my elbow all while whining “Hyung Jiminnie is being mean again!”

I secretly cherished these moments when Jungkook would disregard his shyness of physical contact and wrap himself all around me. The warm fuzzy feeling that crept up in my chest just went to prove how absolutely, 100% whipped I was for the boy.

This went on for one whole year with me getting more and more impossibly endeared by Jungkook. I would constantly look forward to meeting Jungkook, with his cute bunny smile that got wider when he spotted me and his sweet musical voice calling me “Hyung!” I always loved it when he would smile and wave excitedly at me, completely disregarding the conversation he was having with his fellow classmate to come bounding to me and give me a warm hug. It felt great knowing that he would always put me first over the others and this just helped boost my already big ego.

As graduation approached, I had come to realise that soon my cute bunny will no longer be with me, moving on to the biggest university in Seoul, all while leaving me behind. He had been so excited when he had gotten his acceptance letter stating that he could now officially study the course he had always wanted to do, Medicine. Why was I not surprised to know that my bunny was someone who would always put others first and would take any opportunity to help people who are sick and hurt? Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t unhappy or jealous that he got in, I was so proud of him, but it still hurt a little knowing that I may not see him around or hold him close or go out for coffee breaks (dates) with him as much as I wanted. He had become a constant in my life and I had only now realised how much I had come to depend on him as my personal pill of happiness.

That was when I looked back on our relationship and his value in my life and it dawned upon me that I was scared. Scared of losing him, scared that he may move on from me, scared that he will find a nice girl who more than deserved him, fall in love with her and marry. All while I watched and regretted the delay in asking him to be the love of my life. This realisation shook me through the core until I woke up in cold sweat one night and pulling on the first articles of clothes I could put my hands on, I had run to Jungkook’s dorm.

A good 10 minutes and 3 stumbles later (stupid of me to wear slippers that were too big for me anyway), I had found myself panting in front of Jungkook’s door. It’s all or never I had thought to myself before I knocked at his door. I should have prepared my mind a little bit more before I did this because what I had seen in front of me had caused all the brave words in my head to disappear from my mind like quicksand. I remember audibly gulping as I took in the state my Jungkook was in, running my eyes from the cute socks on his feet (Ironman so predictable), to his deliciously bare legs (and no I was NOT having inappropriate thoughts right now), his oversized hoodie (looking closely I had realised that it was MY oversized hoodie… now it was REALLY getting hard to keep those inappropriate thoughts from my mind) and to his cute swollen face with his eyes still partly closed from sleep and his crazy bed head. How would you have expected me to think clearly when all I had wanted to do was devour him right then and there?

Rubbing his eyes with a closed fist (how can you not coo at that?) and suppressing a yawn, Jungkook had finally managed to open his eyes and stare at me.

“Tae-Hyung, its 2am in the morning what are you doing here?” he had asked in his husky voice. God what wouldn’t I have done to hear him moan my name in that voice!

“Hyung? Are you alright? Are you locked out from your dorm room or something?” he had asked when he realised that I hadn’t spoken for a solid minute.

Clearing my throat, I had said “Uh J-Jungkook! I actually need to talk to you very urgently and it cannot wait until tomorrow! Can I come in?”

Jungkook had stared at me like I had gone mad but he had still stepped aside to let me in. I remember looking around his room and thinking how meticulous he was, a complete opposite of me. Perfect for me.

“Take a seat Hyung. Do you want anything? I only have water or milk in my fridge though sorry about that,” he had said as he shuffled around trying to clean up an already neat room.

“It’s alright Jungkook, just take a seat. So sorry to trouble you this early in the morning,” I remember saying, feeling guilty for having woken up Jungkook so early when he had classes the coming morning.

“It’s alright Hyung I am awake now!” He had then slowly made his way to his bed and sat down while staring expectantly at me.

Looking at him like that and knowing that we would likely not see each other in the future had given me the courage to blurt out “Be mine Jungkook. I have been in love with you since the day I saw you coming into our Chemistry class in that oversized hoodie of yours, drowning in it and looking absolutely adorable. You had made my heart skip a beat and made me realise that though love is hard to find, but when you do find it, its like all the wrongs in world right themselves. I don’t have much experience in love Jungkook, but I am sincere in what I feel for you and…and I am willing to learn to love you the way you want me to. You are the light of my life Jungkook and when you leave for university, I want to be sure that I will never lose that light. You have made life so much more bearable for me and I love you for that. Please be mine Jungkook, I’m asking you from the bottom of my heart.”

I remember now that Jungkook had looked stunned and had stared at me wide-eyed for so long that I had started to feel uncomfortable. “Jungkook, sweety, don’t feel uncomfortable ok? I…I understand if you don’t feel the same…” And at that precise moment, it felt like the world had ended. I had stared in horror as my sweet bun broke down in tears. I had immediately stood up and made my way to the bed and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him in to rest his head on my chest as he grabbed on to my sweatshirt like a lifeline. I had made quiet shushing sounds in his ear, rubbing his back slowly and whispering that it was okay in his ear. The tears slowed down in a while to quiet sobs until he was just breathing quietly, occasionally sniffling and rubbing his nose against my sweatshirt.

I had caged his face in both my hands and made him look up at me. “Kookie, sweetie are you feeling better now? Do you wanna talk?” I whispered, dreading the rejection that I knew was to come my way. Because why would someone so sweet and so kind want anything to do with the imperfect me?

“Hyung, can I be honest with you?” At my nod of approval, Jungkook had sighed and brought both of his (warm) palms to cover my hands framing his face.

“Hyung, I…I am so in love with you too. I cried because you finally had confessed to me and it felt like a dream come true! I may not have loved you for as long as you have loved me but Hyung believe me when I say that my love for you stems from every molecule of my being. Now I don’t have to worry about you finding someone else to love when I move away to the university! I would love to be yours Hyung, I already am all yours,” he had said while smiling a watery smile.

I had stared stunned at him, was this real? Had my sweet Kookie just agreed to be all mine? I had watched in silence as he started deep into my eyes and soul, before he leaned in and softly pecked my lips. I had watched in fascination as his cheeks warmed under my palms and he started to blush, trying to avoid eye contact by looking anywhere but me. That peck had woken me up from my daydream as I had grinned widely and went in boldly for one of the multiple kisses I would come to share with my bunny.

Life is unfair don’t you think? When all was going well and you couldn’t be any happier than what you are, life brings you back to reality. You come to know that nothing lasts, happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment, nothing. Everything comes to an end or rather blends in with another emotion. The same happened to me in the end. I was fooled into thinking that my happiness would last forever. That I could forever hold Jungkook close to my heart at night and feel his warmth the coming morning.

It had all happened 3 years, 7 months, 12 days and 4hours ago. I had woken up feeling all warm because of the body lying almost on top of me. My bunny had moved to sleep on my chest through the night with his arms loosely wrapped around my waist. I had smiled looking at his slighted pouted lips, open and with drool coming out of it and staining my sweatshirt. I had kissed his soft brown hair before manuvering him with great difficulty onto the bed before I got up and make my way to the bathroom.

After freshening up, I had walked into the kitchen only to be greeted with the amazing sight of my boyfriend dressed in my baggy white shirt that reached his midthighs, and did little to cover his hickey-covered neck, and boxers that I knew were underneath it, and walking around the kitchen making our morning breakfast. A sight I would not have mind waking up to every morning. I had stood at the kitchen doorway quietly watching him with a smile on my face until he had turned around and given me the biggest bunny smile I had seen on his face. Grinning back I had walked up to him, wrapping my arms around his small waist, and kissing him good morning that left my Kookie breathless and wishing for more. So as you can tell, it was a perfect morning, a morning that for years to come I would remember with fondness.

That day, my Kookie had decided that he would surprise me by making me lunch and visiting me at my university. A kind thought from a kind bunny. Oh how I wish he hadn’t thought of it…

I snapped out of my reverie when a felt a hand on my shoulder. “It’s time to go now Taehyung. We will come back again next week if our schedules permit. Please, Tae lets go,” pleaded Jimin as his eyes slowly filled with unshed tears. Yoongi slowly slid his arms around Jimin’s shoulders, pulling him closer to his side. A spark of jealousy shot through my heart at the gesture, but I squashed it down because who was I to judge my best friend’s love? Just because I was unlucky shouldn’t make me a monster, cursing one and all for their happiness.

I turned back to the tombstone that I had been sitting in front of for the past hour. “Sorry Kookie, I have to go now. I miss you so much… I love you, now and forever” I said while placing the bouquet of his favourite flowers, pink hydrangeas, on the tombstone.

Standing up and dusting off my clothes, I smiled down at my bunny one last time before I turned towards Jimin,

“Let’s go Jimin”