I aint mad 

I aint mad 

Rolling Stone (Six60)

-

 

I watch you enter the room, escorting her. Your wife. You smile shaking hands with those who greet you. She holds your arm. I stand where I am, with my brother and his wife. I feel a hand on my shoulder. 

It's my brother, Gongchan. "Shall we get some food?" 

I nod wanting to escape the room. Whenever you're near I hate it. I hate the fake smiles you portray the affection you give to her. The affection I once had. 

But it is not her I hate. She didn't ask for this. You did. You're the one I hate. 

-

-

"Seung Yeon. It's good to see you." You say, but you don't quite meet my eyes. 

I smile, but it doesn't reach my eyes like it used to. It is only the purse of my lips. "Kim, Joohyun." I hate saying your name. So I settle for your last name.

"You look great! I watched your movie just the other day with Junmyeon!" She exclaims. 

I force another smile. "I do hope you enjoyed it, I worked hard." 

You clear your throat. "You did well." 

You look at me. I look away. 

"I'm going to get my brother." I say, not wanting to be with you any longer. "Enjoy your night." 

Joohyun says goodbye, but you stay silent. Is it that hard to talk to me? 

Weren't you the one who cheated me?

-

-

| 2 years ago |

"I can't believe you Junmyeon." I say, wanting to rip your eyes out. "You're the biggest prick out there you know that?"

"Seung I can expl--"

"I don't want to hear it Jun. I think Joohyun told me enough." I take my things, and make for the door. 

"Seung I can explain! It's not what you think!" You say, desperate.

I turn around, fed up with your pleading. "You have a minute to talk before I'm out so you'd better make it fast." I fume.

"We were childhood friends. We've always been destined to marry for business sake. I didn't mean to drag you into it, it's just that, I love you so much--" 

"Enough!" I shriek. "That's enough! Why tell me you love me when you're just going to marry her anyway?" With that, I leave. 

I was hoping you'd follow me. 

I was hoping you'd tell me you wouldn't marry her. 

But you didn't.

Because you love your position more than you ever loved me.

-

-

She invites me to your wedding. 

My brother tells me to go, but I don't want to. 

I don't want to watch you wait for her. 

I don't want to watch you recite your vows to her. 

I don't want to watch her walk towards you. 

I don't want to see you looking at me. 

But I go anyway, because she is my best friend.

My best friend of nine years.

And I am the bridesmaid. 

-

-

I was never angry at Joohyun. 

I was angry at you. 

Because you're a liar. 

And you hurt my best friend. 

You hurt Joohyun.

Did you know that?

Or are you too caught up in your business to care?

-

-

She doesn't tell me things anymore. 

Joohyun doesn't trust me anymore. 

We don't talk that often either. 

She doesn't say it, but I know it's because of you. 

Because you broke her heart, just as you did mine. 

You lied to the both of us. 

I hope you know that.

-

-

You married the woman you didn't love. 

You abandoned the one you did love. 

Are you happy now? 

I hope you are. I hope you're not regretting anything. 

Because I'm happy. 

I'm getting married. 

Should I invite you?

-

-

I don't love you anymore. Maybe I never did. 

But I don't know. 

I love him though. 

He treats me nicely. 

He doesn't lie to me.

He isn't afraid to hold my hand in public. 

He's nothing like you. 

Maybe that's why I love him. 

-

-

You come to my wedding. 

You're in the front row, watching as I recite my vows. 

Watching as I walk down the aisle.

Watching as I hold my father's arm and look into his eyes. 

Watching as we kiss. 

When I look at you, you look angry.

You look pained. 

Have you not moved on yet? 

Do you still love me like you said you did?

Please don't love me. I love someone else now.

Move on. 

It's not healthy for your wife's child.

It's not healthy for Joohyun.

It's not healthy for you.

-

-

"Congratulations." You say to me. "On your marriage."

We are alone at the table. Joohyun is talking to someone else on the other side of the room. 

I reply sincerely. "Thank you. And thank you for coming. I'm glad you accepted my invitation." 

I know it wasn't you who accepted, I think. It was Joohyun, my bridesmaid. 

You shift and I know you are uncomfortable. Is it because of me? 

"You're welcome." You respond, looking past me. 

"Are you happy with her?" I ask.

You look at me, and I already know the answer. I can see it in your eyes.

No. 

"Yes." You say, smiling.

You've always been a liar. 

"That's great." 

-

-

Joohyun pats her round abdomen. 

"How many more months?" I ask. 

"Two more." She says. 

"Is it a boy or a girl?" 

Joohyun smiles. "It's a girl."

-

-

You stand outside the birthing ward, pacing back and forth. I sit down, watching you. 

"Junmyeon sit down." I order after I can't take it anymore. "Pacing the floor won't bring the child any faster."

You look at me for a second, confused, and then you sigh. "Alright." You sit down, but you leave a space between us.

Are you still uncomfortable with me? 

I move closer, closing the gap. When I look at you I see the dark rings under your eyes. You seem to squirm at the distance between us. 

Why?

We're both married are we not?

"You should sleep." I blurt out.

You let out a small laugh and I am glad it's not forced. "How can I sleep in this situation?"

"Easily." I say. 

I grab your head and force you onto my lap. You are startled and surprised, so it is easy. You try to sit back up but I hold you there. "Junmyeon don't." 

Once you stop fighting against me, I begin to your hair, just as I used to. You stiffen and I know it is because you are surprised. 

"I've forgiven you." I say, staring straight ahead. I do not want to see your expression.

You don't answer. 

"I know I was hard on you. It wasn't your fault. You had a company to run." 

You still stay silent. I continue to play with your hair. 

"So, please stop being uncomfortable around me. I want to be friends. I want Joohyun to be happy with you. I want you to be happy with her. I want you to be happy with your children. I don't want you to think about what you did." 

I hear a sniffle and you sit up. You look at me. 

There are tears in your eyes. 

You lean forward and you hug me. Tight. 

I hug back. 

"Thank you." You whisper softly. "Thank you Seung." 

I smile at the use of my nickname. You haven't called me that for four years. 

-

-

You hold the child in your arms and there are tears in my eyes. 

It is truly a beautiful moment. 

-

-

"Why can't you tell me?" I ask Joohyun.

She shakes her head. "We're revealing it tonight Seung. Just be patient." 

-

-

You hold her in your arms and everyone holds their breath as they wait for you to announce her name. 

"Her name will be Kim Seung Yeon." 

-

-

"Why did you name her after me?" I ask you.

You smile and take my hand in yours. "I named her after my first love." 

"Or maybe you want me to name my son after you." I joke. 

You shrug. "Maybe, you'll never know." 

I laugh and kiss your cheek. "I'm honoured Jun." 

"You should be."

-

-

"Do you still love me?" You ask one day. 

"Of course I do, you're one of my best friends."

You shake your head, "No not like that I mean--"

"You mean as a lover?" I ask

You nod slowly. 

"I really don't know Jun. Maybe I do. But that's in the past now....wait. Do you still love me?"

You don't answer me, and instead you kiss my forehead. Pulling away you say, 

"I still love you, but only as a friend. I have a family to look after remember? And my lovely wife." 

I roll my eyes at you. "You're lucky to have Joo otherwise you'd be a mess." 

"I'm lucky to have you as a friend."

"You should be honoured." 

"I am."

-

-

I ended up naming my son after you after all. 

His name is Kim Junmyeon. 

Minseok asked when you were getting back from holiday so that the two of you could go and play some golf. 

My husband does love playing golf with you. 

Maybe it's because you're not very good at it. 

-

-

Minseok and I are doing well. My second child is on the way and I just finished filming my drama.

It airs in a few months. 

I'm hoping to have a baby girl. 

Myeon asked where his 'uncle and aunty' were. 

Hurry up and finish your holiday so that he can play with Seung Yeon. 

Those two really like each other. 

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