Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong

It's a quarter to three when the doors of the Jeongdong Cathedral opens.

Ayeong's head lifts up, fists clenching the Stephanotis bouquet of flowers on her hands and with a shaking heart, she enters the Cathedral. She hears the wedding march flowing smoothly in everyone's ears. She sees everyone's faces sigh in awe as she walks painfully slowly in the Cathedral.

Everything is in her favorite velvet and white colors mixed elegantly. The women are mostly wearing their velvet wine dresses and the men are wearing the Velvet Wine red tuxedo. Everything is ready and this is it, Ayeong. This is it.

At the altar, there he stands in his Maroon wine burgundy three piece suit. Dashingly breathtaking as he smiles and waits for her at the end of the altar. She takes a deep breath. He's always taking his breath away just like the first time they met each other, nothing has changed.

He is still the Kim Jonghyun she's learned to love.

Or is it?

She halts on her place and stares at the man she's loved for the past five years. Is he still the same man she's loved all this time? Are they still the same person all through these years?

Jonghyun's face turns into a worry that moment she stops on her place and everyone's faces are encouraging to go ahead, Ayeong, walk to him. You can do it, you can do this. You'll be both happy with each other.

“What are you doing, Yeong?” Her brother who is walking her to the altar whispers.

Her right hand, which was seconds ago is on her brother's, suddenly is not around him anymore. She looks straightly into Jonghyun's awaiting confused eyes and closes them with a deep sigh.

There are murmurs of what's happening, what is she doing?around her --- them.

The tears slip from her eyes and when she opens them, she knows that Jonghyun's begging face will haunt her for the rest of her life. It's twisted with pain and confusion and betrayal and Ayeong cannot take it anymore.

It feels like there's a gun pressed on her forehead, ready to blow her mind out.

I'm so sorry.

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street

Choi Ayeong seeks thrills and excitement in her life. She likes her adrenaline rushing in her body, she likes the mere thought of freely falling and flying in the sky. It gives her the idea of still living ---- of being able to feel. She's tried numerous adventures in her life --- dangerous adventures that not anyone would have dared to do.

“I can do this! I can do this. I can do this!”

Ayeong looks at the guy muttering words of encouragement for himself. She smiles at his frightened state. He's quite cute, she thinks. He keeps wandering around the tower here and there, still fearful for his life.

“You're next!” One of the guys tell him.

The face of the guy pales and she can't help but smirk. She watches as the two guys tuck the scaredy guy well for his bungee jumping experience. He looks like he's about to faint as they securely tuck him well.

Ayeong walks forward, nearer them when she hears one of the guys ask. “Why are you even doing this if it's scary for you?”

He looks at the guy offended. “I just --- need to face my fear.” He takes the deepest breath as if it's the last.

She nods at his answer. “Would you like to face your fear with me?” She interjects. She offers him with a warm smile as he contemplates.

“Please?” She pursues. The two guys are looking back and forth when the man nods back at him. “Great!” She excitedly says. “Ayeong .” She offers her hand to him.

The man takes and shakes it. “I'm Kim Jonghyun.”

The two other guys takes and tucks her well beside Jonghyun. He doesn't look that scared anymore. She looks down and shakes her head. The height is weak, at least for her.

“What's your biggest fear?” She asks him.

Jonghyun looks taken aback by her question as he faces her. “I'm scared of things that are outside of my control. I'm scared of falling and I'm scared of being left alone.”

“Then, let's face it.”

She's not sure why but Jonghyun holds her hand as the two guys push them off. She watches as Jonghyun's face becomes of worry to fear to sickly to relief as he shouts his lungs out of himself as they hang on their feet in a 63 meter high bungee jumping.

Her hand is turning pale because he's holding her hand real tight but she guesses, it's okay, as long as he feels he's not alone today.

Ayeong has seen different beautiful scenery from her various adventures, she flies through different scary rides, she takes various thrilling rides in all her life, but as they hang on their feet, she thinks seeing Jonghyun's innocent relieved face turns with a smile and laughter resounds in her ears is becoming her most favorite adventure so far.

Kim Jonghyun blends in the color of nature: green for right now he symbolizes growth and safety with her hand clasp around his.

“Congrats, scaredy cat, you did it!” She shouts at him.

Jonghyun laughs in return, sounding music in her ears. The first genuine laughter and smile she's seen him since the moment they have stepped on the bungee jumping platform. She isn't regretting to take this jump with him.

Gravity holds no responsibility for her own heart beating faster than it should be.

(But Kim Jonghyun is a broken man inside.)

Faster than the wind, passionate as sin

She isn't exactly sure why she's here, of all places. She's not used to this kind of surrounding. Dimmed lights with different colors and blaring music are not her thing. Nature and adventures are her thing. So why she's inside this high-end club is beyond her imagination and she has her brother, Minki, to be blamed.

In fact, her brother is dancing in the middle as if no one's watching.

“I didn't picture you as a girl who likes to hang out in places like this.” There's something about this voice which sounds familiar. Ayeong turns to look at that person and sees Kim Jonghyun sitting beside her.

He's wearing a white t-shirt and black leather jacket and his hair gelled showing his forehead. Damn, he looks so attractive and ravishing at the moment. There's something in his white t-shirt that gives him this innocence inside.

Ayeong shakes her head with a gentle smile on her face. “And how do you picture me then, Sir?” She turns to look at him, her hands under her chin as if she's challenging him.

Kim Jonghyun bravely faces him, eyes glossy. “In my bed. And in white.” He says, putting his glass up for a cheer.

She puts a knowing face, drinking her own alcohol, eyes still on Jonghyun.

They can feel it --- what they usually call chemistry. It's strong and powerful and neither wants to resist this feeling. For Ayeong, it's new and vague and she has never felt this much urge to be close to another person --- another man, in particular. Only Jonghyun. Just Jonghyun.

“It's not going to be hard to introduce you to each other, I guess?” Minki's voice distracts them. He puts his hands on Jonghyun's shoulders. “This is my workmate, Kim Jonghyun... and... this...” He has his arm on Ayeong's neck and she pretends to bite it off which earns a glare from Jonghyun. “this.... is my sister, Ayeong.”

Jonghyun's mouth turns to an “O” shape after Minki's words and smiles really big. “That's... perfect. More than perfect.”

Minki smirks and whispers, “That guy, please teach him how to live again.”

She looks at Minki with a questioning look. He only shrugs and goes off, leaving her confused. She faces Jonghyun again and decides that maybe --- just maybe they can teach each other of things they have never explored before.

White, Ayeong decides that for tonight, Jonghyun looks majestic in white.

Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall

“Unbelievable.” Jonghyun's breath is not stable as he lies on the peak of Bukhansan. “I can't believe you've made go hiking! I should have stayed at home and played video games instead. Ha! That would be what I call fun.” He puffs his cheeks in disbelief.

Bukhansan's night view has been delighting at its most. The lights of the buildings are very attractive and the wind touching not just her physical body is healing. She closes her eyes and open her arms and spin around on her feet.

Jonghyun watches her in fascination and sits up. She looks majestic on her own, emitting her own sunshine in his lone darkness. And he needs this --- needs her --- needs to heal to be able to feel once more.

He stands up, her still spinning until she becomes dizzy and falls in his arms. He hasn't experienced this --- of being able to fall freely without worrying of burdening anyone or someone. Without pressuring him to do his best and to be the best.

“Who hurt you, Jonghyun?” She questions in vexation.

Jonghyun withdraws his arms and sits on the ground once more. “I don't know what you mean, Ayeong.”

Ayeong huffs at him and slumps beside him. “It's written all over your face.”

“What is?”

“Help me. I want to break free.”

Her answer ceases anything that he has in mind for a clap back. Because it's true. He wants to somehow forget and to heal. And he wants to let Ayeong inside his world. He needs the optimism in his life.

“Have you ever been hurt so badly before?” He inquires, she shrugs her shoulders. “I think she has.” There's a sigh coming from her. “I think she has me broken.”

Ayeong faces him. “Aren't we all broken inside?”

Jonghyun's face looks at her befuddled. “What--”

“It's a matter of choice, you know, to let that crack be just a simple crack or let it be the biggest part of your life. Why let it the biggest hole of your life when some things or someone can fill up that crack?”

He sighs. “I don't think you know what happened to me. You don't understand.”

“Make me understand, then?” She asks softly.

Ayeong knows he's struggling inside and it's painfully obvious right now. If his head isn't buried in between his hands is not already an indication, then what else? There's something black clouding his presence and Ayeong does not like it --- does not like Jonghyun hurting but if he doesn't let go now, when will he ever let go?

“Three years.” Jonghyun heaves a deep sigh. “Three – it's been three years. Twenty-two was too young, I guess? But I asked her to marry me after the graduation. She agreed. But there was too much pressure --- I was too burden --- and fast.” He stops and meets her eyes. They're glossy, Ayeong notes.

It's like living inside the solar system with stars around you.

“I wanted to stop.” Jonghyun admitted. “And she left me.”

There's a painful silence, only the murmurs of the crickets can be heard.

Ayeong smiles at him and stands up, offering her hand at him. Jonghyun looks disbelieving at her.

“What.” He deadpans.

She pulls him up then they sway and sway and sway.

Left. Right. Left. Right. Forward. Backward. Left. Right.

There's a nonstop music in their ears that nobody else can hear. It's like a private song meant for them. Maybe it's the beautiful silence of the world or the loud swaying of the trees dancing with them or perhaps the soundless sound of the city lights twinkling for them but having his hands on hers --- seeing him smile and his eyes light up like the first lighting of a Christmas tree, maybe she wants to believe, too.

“Fall in love.” Ayeong whispers.

“With you?”

“With the new beginnings. With hope.” She winks at him.

It's like falling in a cliff head first.

“Go and get a room.” Another hiker shouts at them.

Jonghyun rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “Maybe.” He whispers back, clipping her chin in between his fingers. “Falling... yes.”

The both of them is covered with silence. It's comfortable.

Until Jonghyun breaks it. “Please?”

(And they did --- falling for each other.

So, date me?

What?!

From all the previous taunts you've had, Missy,it seems like between the two of us, you're the real scaredy one.

I'm not!!!!

Then date me?

No waaaaaaay!!!

Wow, I didn't know ---

Shut the up, Kim Jonghyun!

But they started dating when Choi Ayeong swooped in to kiss him.)

Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you

“Come on!” Jonghyun whines, pulling her out of his car but Ayeong has a firm hold on her seat. “It's going to be fuuuuun!” The child in him is kicking.

Ayeong sighs. It's been two years since they have started dating and slowly, she's seeing the whole broken facade of Kim Jonghyun. Contrary to their first meeting, Jonghyun is like a child. At heart. The whole mysterious Kim Jonghyun is gone.

Orange. Kim Jonghyun emits the orange color in him --- it's something fresh and youthful compared to his previous black one. And Ayeong likes it very much. She likes how Jonghyun's eyes light up not with fake happiness but of true ones.

But she's not sure why and how Jonghyun drags her here --- sitting on the right side of this rail bike. Sure, she's like nature and such but pedaling on Gapyeong rail bike in a cold and windy day? She must be dreaming.

Ayeong cannot help but sigh once more.

“Stop that!” Jonghyun says and smiles foolishly at her. Ayeong needs to hold her heart down cause she thinks one of these days, she's going to get a mini heart attack from him.

“Be thankful you're cute.” She mumbles under her breath, only for her to hear.

Of course, Jonghyun has a good listening skill. “I heard that!”

“Just pedal!” Ayeong complains.

Jonghyun cannot keep his on his seat as he continues teasing her. “So I'm cute?”

Ayeong wants to take it back! She likes a black Jonghyun better!!!!

“No, you're not!” She contradicts.

And cue Jonghyun's cute laughter with “hahat” and Ayeong's heart is melting even more. There's something about this short distinct laughter that makes him more appealing. Ayeong wants to keep Jonghyun inside her pocket and it's not like she could but she would had given a chance.

Ayeong crosses her hands and looks away when suddenly the rail bike stops in the middle of a tree where leaves are falling then Jonghyun swiftly stretches his hands and turns her around and Ayeong is not ready when his lips are on her forehead and then on her left cheek then on right. Slowly, Jonghyun meets her gaze lovingly and wordlessly, his lips has found hers.

It's excruciatingly slow and painful at the same time it feels like it's still the first time. Sweet and pure and soft. His lips are soft on hers.

“I --- I'm in love with you.” Jonghyun admits.

She flushes and tries hiding her smile. “I think I am, as well.”

“Please?” The way he says it is soft yet unsure, lips jutting out.

She taps his cute button nose with her index finger, answering. “Please.”

“MOVE ALONG!!!!” Another biker yells at them.

Both of them smile and hurries themselves before they get their heads bitten off.

Sneakily, Jonghyun clasps his hands on hers --- tightly, fingers intertwine like missing pieces of puzzle solved together and Ayeong cannot help but let the butterflies inside her stomach fly freely the way they flutter when she's flying in extremities.

Jonghyun, she realizes, is all that she needs to make her feel alive.

Like the colors in autumn, so bright just before they lose it all

“Who is she?”

There's something icy in her voice which makes her almost jump on her seat and makes her almost wanting the Earth to swallow her. She avoids the glare Jonghyun's Mom is giving her and she can't help but feel intimated.

Yet here Jonghyun is and he's squeezing her hand. “Ma, this is Choi Ayeong, my girlfriend.”

“Girlfriend?” His Mom hisses. “Since when?”

“Three years, Ma. And stop it.” Jonghyun answers stubbornly.

“What do you do?” Mrs. Kim inquires.

“I--” She's about to answer when Jonghyun cuts her off. “Stop that, Ma!”

“But --- how about Yerim?”

“Ma!” Jonghyun yells and Ayeong thinks this is a different Jonghyun. He's never been this riled up. He angrily pulls Ayeong away from his parents and into his car and he heaves a heavy sigh once inside.

And it's frustrating that Jonghyun is silent at times like this.

With a huff, Ayeong leaves the passenger seat and opens the driver seat.

“Let's switch. I'll drive. Please?” She says understandingly. She pushes him gently and when they're both settled, she looks at him. “Are you ready?”

“Where?” His voice is low.

Yet she never answers.

“Ma! Pa! Hello!” Her voice is cheery, she needs it for the two of them.

Kim Jonghyun is still silent but his eyes are taking in the surroundings. It's a sea, the waves are greeting her back. Jonghyun stands still on his place and looks confused, stunned even more. He reaches for her hand which is shaking wildly here and there.

“Oh, there they are!” She says, pointing at nothingness in the sky.

Jonghyun looks at where she's pointing at. “Huh--”

“My Ma and Pa are dead.” Ayeong informs with a smile. “It's been five years since they died. Car accident.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Why? Did you kill them?” She jokes.

He shakes his head, nervously stretching his face into a smile. “Just...”

She laughs at him and punches his arm. “It was a joke, Jonghyun, loosen up.” The guy beside her exhales loudly. “But, I'm sure if they're here, they would be happy to know you.”

He eyes the sky then envelops her in his embrace. “I would be glad too. They have an amazing kid.”

Ayeong puffs her chest. “I am.”

“I mean, Minki.” He exclaims.

She lightly pinches him on his arms which earns a snort. “Mean Jonghyun.”

There's laughter between the two of them. Jonghyun embracing her tightly.

“I'm still sorry, you know.” Jonghyun whispers on her ear.

For everything. For my Ma.

Ayeong lightly taps him on his arms, reassuring him. “You don't have to be.”

Because I love you and that's all that matters, Jonghyun.

Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer

Kim Jonghyun's birthday party is one grand celebration.

It's in Shilla Hotel, one of the most famous hotels in Korea and admittedly, Ayeong has never set her foot in any hotel such as this. She checks herself in the mirror one last time --- she's wearing her high-low gold evening dress, her brown hair in a braided bun. She's going to be okay.